Bi friend going through divorce

  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Feb 25, 2010 11:27 PM GMT
    I have a married, openly bi friend who has been having heated arguments with his wife over his interest in men. At first I don't think it was problematic, but as he started to hookup with guys without her it became more of an issue. He tried to bargain with her... swear off guys for no more arguing, but it obviously was not enough for her. I gave him the advice that she married him for all his aspects (she knew he was bi before marriage), and that he shouldn't have to repress that part of him to make the marriage work. Now, two months later, they're splitting. She's moving several states away. I don't know how hard he's taking it. And I don't really know what to say to him because I think it's for the best. He's my age, attractive... he's got a whole other life to live. He lives 5 hours away so I can't see him. Any advice?
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    Feb 26, 2010 12:31 AM GMT
    well, it's not entirely her fault here.

    Admittedly if she knew he was bisexual and accepted that (and I mean truly accepted this fact) then she was a strong open minded women.

    However, the husband should never have slept around behind her back, if sexual monogamy was part of the agreement to there coupling then what he has done is wrong, his sexuality is not part of it, he was simply breaking a promise that he made to another person, be broke his word and her trust.
    To me, breaking another persons trust AND/OR going against my word is probably two of the worst things I can do to another person.

    If they had an agreement in place that allowed him to go and meet other men for sex then that's one thing, but it'd doubtful there was.

    Some people will try to develop lots of complicated ideas and theories on it being okay for this man to have done what he did, following his "sexual urges" and "being true to himself" which at the end of the day is an entire load of bullshit so big that it blots out the sun and is merely an attempt to placate there's and others guilt over what he did

    What your made did was wrong, what the wife is doing is what she feels is in the best interest for herself emotionally and physically, the wife is not the "bad guy" here and there is nothing you can really say to your mate to make him feel better, he has to suffer through this for himself and hopefully learn from his mistakes.

    What he'll learn who knows, he might realise he wants to develop a whole, strong relationship with a women, he might want it with a man, he might want a relationship that allows him to explore all facets of his sexuality or maybe he just wants to have sexual freedom that no relationship will allow him.

    Or maybe and possibly more likely, he may continue to try and be the man others want him to be all the while fighting against what he really wants and constantly battling himself for it.

    having said all of this, I don't know the full story behind there relationship and I haven't been able to hear both sides of the story, until I or all of us did we can't really comment specifically.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Feb 26, 2010 12:52 AM GMT
    Well, I don't know the whole story either nor have I met his wife. Regardless of his wrongdoings, if any, I'm concerned with how he is now, and I should say to him. My thoughts were to encourage him to learn from it and move on... but that's me. I don't know if that's the right thing to say at this point.
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    Feb 26, 2010 1:29 AM GMT
    Probably not the right thing to say since he probably wont.

    you can't really say much in this circumstance, he's put himself there and he probably (or hopefully) knows it, so all you can really do is just be there for him when he talks and be willing to just listen to him until he's done talking.
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    Feb 26, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    My first reaction is mainly to the "he lives 5 hrs away so I can't visit."

    Is he a dear friend? 5 hours isn't that far, see if you can dedicate a weekend.

    The only advice is just that, be there for him in person on the phone somehow. He needs to know that his door isn't closing, but that it is opening for him.
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    Feb 26, 2010 1:43 AM GMT
    slickguystyle saidI gave him the advice that she married him for all his aspects (she knew he was bi before marriage), and that he shouldn't have to repress that part of him to make the marriage work.


    Remind me not to ask you for advice, I find what you told your friend completely in the wrong. Marriage is about trust and exclusivity, there are rare instances where open marriage exists, but I doubt that was the case here.

    A real friend would have held him accountable for what he did, molly-coddling him wont do him any good as a person.

    What he did was wrong, he needs to be told that and learn from that, not, "you have the urge to suck cock, your wife should have accepted that because you told her", there is no lesson in a cop-out, which that is.

    If he got married and had a crack addiction which she knew about, would you be supporting him for lighting up a pipe?



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    Feb 26, 2010 2:02 AM GMT
    RST2009 said
    slickguystyle saidI gave him the advice that she married him for all his aspects (she knew he was bi before marriage), and that he shouldn't have to repress that part of him to make the marriage work.


    Remind me not to ask you for advice,

    I have no reading skills, I misread that part completely. This situation changed drastically.
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    Feb 26, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    Pinny said
    RST2009 said
    slickguystyle saidI gave him the advice that she married him for all his aspects (she knew he was bi before marriage), and that he shouldn't have to repress that part of him to make the marriage work.


    Remind me not to ask you for advice,

    I have no reading skills, I misread that part completely. This situation changed drastically.


    Maybe not, but you have mad hand gesture skills.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 26, 2010 2:47 AM GMT
    He did say that she got mad when he hooked up with guys without her, which implies they had a 'play together' rule he broke.
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    Feb 26, 2010 2:51 AM GMT
    Can't really say I blame the wife's reaction to this situation.

    The husband is not the victim but rather the villain since it sounds like he cheated on her. In my opinion (or rather understanding of open relationships) when you are in an open relationship it means that you and your partner are comfortable with sleeping with others so long as you do it together or have knowledge of who they are sleeping with and come to an agreement that is ok with one another.

    Clearly the husband didn't give the wife the knowledge of his affairs and it sounds like she found out in the worst way possibly. She shouldn't have to bend over backwards to understand his feelings because he didn't make the effort to understand hers. It sounds like she was ok with him being bi and she accepted it or tolerated it to a point but he crossed the line when he basically cheated her. He lacked trust and tried to keep secrets and deceived her.

    He was in the wrong and he shouldn't use his sexuality as some sort of an excuse to weasel his way out trouble. He should just accept the consequences for his actions and man up to the responsibility he has a man and as a husband for what he has done to his wife who clearly gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to meet him halfway with sexuality.

    No sympathy or pity points for your friend. Be a good friend and let him know he fucked up. Do not baby him or sympathize with him on this. Granted he may not want to hear but he should from a from a friend and hopefully he'll understand what he did and try to fix the problem. I bet if he owns up to what he did she'll make the effort to forgive him.

    Trust is hard to build but easy to destroy and once gone it's never quite the same.
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    Feb 26, 2010 2:52 AM GMT

    Why not just call him up, let him know you know that he's separated / divorced, etc and ask how he's doing. There doesn't have to be any agenda here besides letting him know you're thinking of him, and that he can talk to you.

    You may need to read between the lines a little bit as he may tell he's fine, etc when he's not. Sometimes it helps to open the door a little with something like 'Wow - if I were facing the kind of relationship break up you are, I'd be a basket case. I'm amazed that your holding it together this well.'
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    Feb 26, 2010 3:04 AM GMT
    RST2009 said
    slickguystyle saidI gave him the advice that she married him for all his aspects (she knew he was bi before marriage), and that he shouldn't have to repress that part of him to make the marriage work.


    Remind me not to ask you for advice, I find what you told your friend completely in the wrong. Marriage is about trust and exclusivity, there are rare instances where open marriage exists, but I doubt that was the case here.

    A real friend would have held him accountable for what he did, molly-coddling him wont do him any good as a person.

    What he did was wrong, he needs to be told that and learn from that, not, "you have the urge to suck cock, your wife should have accepted that because you told her", there is no lesson in a cop-out, which that is.

    If he got married and had a crack addiction which she knew about, would you be supporting him for lighting up a pipe?





    I completely agree with RST2009 on this. You could be there for him as a friend, but he needs to learn from this.
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    Feb 26, 2010 3:17 AM GMT
    The topic piqued my interest when I was scrolling through. But I actually don't think it's an issue of sexual orientation.

    I'm bisexual and have been open about it with the people I've dated. They seem to fall into three categories: (1) Some are ok with it and hang around, (2) some can't deal with it and immediately move on, and (3) some pretend they are ok with it, but are ultimately bothered enough to move on.

    A lot of the people who are horrified by the idea of dating a bisexual -- the second and third groups -- think that we can't be faithful because we'll miss sex with the other gender. This irks me because it implies that we are dominated by our sexual desires -- more so than the rest of the population. That's not true -- we just have a different set of temptations, so to speak.

    Your friend cheated... and he happened to be bisexual. But, from the info we have, I don't think anyone can fairly pin this predicament on his sexual orientation. In fact, that's probably one of the least important factors.
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    Feb 26, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    I'm not gonna pin his actions on his sexuality. I'm gonna pin it on his lack of self control, self discipline and responsibility as a husband.

    His "set of temptations" got him in trouble. Simple as that.
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    Feb 26, 2010 3:38 AM GMT
    This situation is really no different than if he was straight or gay, or whether the relationship is open or exclusive.

    He cheated, and killed trust.

    -us

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    Feb 26, 2010 6:55 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidI'm not gonna pin his actions on his sexuality. I'm gonna pin it on his lack of self control, self discipline and responsibility as a husband.

    His "set of temptations" got him in trouble. Simple as that.


    Yep, right on brother.

    Prevention is better than a cure too.
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    Feb 26, 2010 6:56 AM GMT
    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife; marring you has screwed up my life.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Feb 26, 2010 7:57 AM GMT
    RST2009 said
    slickguystyle saidI gave him the advice that she married him for all his aspects (she knew he was bi before marriage), and that he shouldn't have to repress that part of him to make the marriage work.


    Remind me not to ask you for advice, I find what you told your friend completely in the wrong. Marriage is about trust and exclusivity, there are rare instances where open marriage exists, but I doubt that was the case here.

    A real friend would have held him accountable for what he did, molly-coddling him wont do him any good as a person.

    What he did was wrong, he needs to be told that and learn from that, not, "you have the urge to suck cock, your wife should have accepted that because you told her", there is no lesson in a cop-out, which that is.

    If he got married and had a crack addiction which she knew about, would you be supporting him for lighting up a pipe?


    I asked for advice on what I can say now, not a critique of what I previously said, and certainly not a personal attack... implying that I am not a real friend. You completely lack perspective on our relationship. Moreover, great friends can give bad (or what others perceive to be bad) advice... that doesn't mean they care any less or that their heart was not in the right place. You might have meant this a sassy retort, but it is out-of-line, and irrelevant to the discussion. Disturbingly, you equate by metaphor sexual orientation with drug addition... as if being bisexual was a problem. Being the good friend that I am, I recognize that this is not the time to chastise him for past mistakes, but to help him move forward.

    To clarify for everyone else who left helpful comments: He hooked up with guys with her knowledge and permission. As the frequency increased (and it wasn't high to begin with), so did the arguments. I'm sure there were a few lies and omission of facts, but I think the overall dealbreaker was that she wanted to move towards a completely monogamous marriage and he didn't.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Feb 26, 2010 8:03 AM GMT
    He's a grown man. Let him make up his own mind. A friend is just that a friend. Just be his friend, and support his decision whatever that might be. Never get in the middle of a married couple-you will end up in blame!
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    Feb 26, 2010 4:31 PM GMT
    The story is an old one: she married him, thought she would change him. When that didn’t happen she dumped him.
    All you can do is be there for him in a nonjudgmental way, mostly just listen and encourage him.
    Try not to bad mouth the ex, because they too often don’t remain the ex.
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    Feb 26, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidThe story is an old one: she married him, thought she would change him. When that didn’t happen she dumped him.
    All you can do is be there for him in a nonjudgmental way, mostly just listen and encourage him.
    Try not to bad mouth the ex, because they too often don’t remain the ex.



    Dustin's got the right advice. I have a family member who's been married for several years and recently admitted she's been having an affair with another guy. I think she made some terrible mistakes, but it's not my job to tell her what they were, it's my job to be there to help her pick up and move on. She needs unconditional support from the people who care for her. Period. Your friend deserves the same from you and the others he is close to. I suggest talking about the future with him, not the past. Ask what his plans are, next weekend, next month, next year... let him talk it through with you. Keep your conversation with him forward-looking, even if he tries to talk about his soon-to-be-ex wife. It's the best you can do for him.
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    Feb 26, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    Er, it's been touched upon by others, but unless they had an open relationship, he's in the wrong, whatever his orientation.

    And if he's truly "bi" how comes he hasn't been shagging random women, too?
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    Feb 26, 2010 4:58 PM GMT
    Brit_Bloke saidEr, it's been touched upon by others, but unless they had an open relationship, he's in the wrong, whatever his orientation.

    And if he's truly "bi" how comes he hasn't been shagging random women, too?


    Because he's already getting pussy from his wife. She has no dick, he likes dick, he's allowed to go get dick.


    GOD that was vulgar, even for me.

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    Feb 26, 2010 5:01 PM GMT
    Hmmmm .... I'm almost scared to write this because it's touching upon a topic I do have rather strong views on (unlike most of the other shite I bandy about on here), but here goes ...

    Are we ever likely to see a gay man divorce his bisexual husband/civil partner because said partner can't give up his "pussy"?
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    Feb 26, 2010 5:04 PM GMT
    Brit_Bloke saidHmmmm .... I'm almost scared to write this because it's touching upon a topic I do have rather strong views on (unlike most of the other shite I bandy about on here), but here goes ...

    Are we ever likely to see a gay man divorce his bisexual husband/civil partner because said partner can't give up his "pussy"?



    What's your point, exactly? Different strokes for different folks.