The Loss Of A Parent

  • NyRuinz

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    Feb 26, 2010 9:49 PM GMT
    A close friend of mine recently lost his grandmother, and even though he is devastated I have seen some positive changes in his personality. He use to be very passive and somewhat naive, but now he seems more aware, mature and wise. There is a book called "Death Benefits: How losing a parent can change an adult's life for the better by Jeanne Safer Ph.d, has anyone had a similar experience?
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    Feb 26, 2010 11:59 PM GMT
    Yes, and for the reasons the book description states:

    "...she also relates anecdotes from patients and 60 interviewees whose parents were critical or rejecting, or who significantly impeded their children's happiness and personal growth."
  • NyRuinz

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    Feb 27, 2010 12:18 AM GMT
    wrestlervic saidYes, and for the reasons the book description states:

    "...she also relates anecdotes from patients and 60 interviewees whose parents were critical or rejecting, or who significantly impeded their children's happiness and personal growth."


    wow my friend always told me his adolescent years left him with a lot of insecurities.
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    Feb 27, 2010 12:22 AM GMT
    I dunno about this. I still miss my late parents, my mother dead now 17 years, my father 13. Sure, we fought like cats & dogs at various times, especially when I was living at home growing up. But most of my adolescent angst had to do with me, not really them.

    My parents both advanced me, and perhaps held me back in some ways. Who can say in hindsight whether they benefited me or hurt me overall? All I know is that I'd give anything to see them again, to talk with them once more, to tell them all about what I've been doing since I last saw them, have them back in my life.
  • NyRuinz

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    Feb 27, 2010 12:31 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidI dunno about this. I still miss my late parents, my mother dead now 17 years, my father 13. Sure, we fought like cats & dogs at various times, especially when I was living at home growing up. But most of my adolescent angst had to do with me, not really them.

    My parents both advanced me, and perhaps held me back in some ways. Who can say in hindsight whether they benefited me or hurt me overall? All I know is that I'd give anything to see them again, to talk with them once more, to tell them all about what I've been doing since I last saw them, have them back in my life.


    Despite what you guys went through you, of course you will still love and miss your parents. I know my friend misses his grandmother terribly, but I have definitely noticed some changes in him.
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Feb 27, 2010 2:25 AM GMT
    My Father died 3yrs ago last December. It was very sudden. I was living in Maine, he in Florida. I made it to him. I miss him terribly. My Father is my Hero. My Dad and I were very close. He accepted me after years of fighting because I would not back down..........he was going to accept me for exactly who I am. And he eventually did. He became an advocate for Gay marriage. Since my Dad has died, I realize how very much like him I am.........and I think that was his whole plan. He just didn't realize my sexuality had nothing to do with being just like him.
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    Feb 27, 2010 2:44 AM GMT
    myklet1 saidMy Father died 3yrs ago last December. It was very sudden. I was living in Maine, he in Florida. I made it to him. I miss him terribly. My Father is my Hero. My Dad and I were very close. He accepted me after years of fighting because I would not back down..........he was going to accept me for exactly who I am. And he eventually did. He became an advocate for Gay marriage. Since my Dad has died, I realize how very much like him I am.........and I think that was his whole plan. He just didn't realize my sexuality had nothing to do with being just like him.

    Your story touched me very much. I flew down to Florida from Seattle when my father had his first heart attack. His doctors told me either incurable heart disease or advanced cancer would take him first, at most in a few weeks.

    I spent his last 6 weeks with him, the best I ever had with him, and I hope for him with me. I went through 4 more heart attacks with him, had to revive him myself, and ride in the ambulance with him. At the hospital the doctors scolded me, said why are you bringing him here? He's about to die, just let it happen. And I snapped back at them, this is my father, and that's nothing I will ever allow. He still wants to live, and I simply can't let him die in front of me.

    His 6th heart attack took him during his sleep, without my knowledge. I found him the next morning. But I'd had those last days with him and for that I was grateful.

    I have mixed feelings about my father. A cold & distant man to me as a child, but also with many admirable qualities, and certainly having accomplished more in his life that I've done, or ever will. My Dad may not be my hero, as yours is to you, but he sure was a better man than me.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Feb 27, 2010 11:12 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    myklet1 saidMy Father died 3yrs ago last December. It was very sudden. I was living in Maine, he in Florida. I made it to him. I miss him terribly. My Father is my Hero. My Dad and I were very close. He accepted me after years of fighting because I would not back down..........he was going to accept me for exactly who I am. And he eventually did. He became an advocate for Gay marriage. Since my Dad has died, I realize how very much like him I am.........and I think that was his whole plan. He just didn't realize my sexuality had nothing to do with being just like him.

    Your story touched me very much. I flew down to Florida from Seattle when my father had his first heart attack. His doctors told me either incurable heart disease or advanced cancer would take him first, at most in a few weeks.

    I spent his last 6 weeks with him, the best I ever had with him, and I hope for him with me. I went through 4 more heart attacks with him, had to revive him myself, and ride in the ambulance with him. At the hospital the doctors scolded me, said why are you bringing him here? He's about to die, just let it happen. And I snapped back at them, this is my father, and that's nothing I will ever allow. He still wants to live, and I simply can't let him die in front of me.

    His 6th heart attack took him during his sleep, without my knowledge. I found him the next morning. But I'd had those last days with him and for that I was grateful.

    I have mixed feelings about my father. A cold & distant man to me as a child, but also with many admirable qualities, and certainly having accomplished more in his life that I've done, or ever will. My Dad may not be my hero, as yours is to you, but he sure was a better man than me.


    How insensitive and cruel, I would have went off!
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    Feb 27, 2010 11:58 AM GMT
    You don't think it's cruel to keep a person alive through to suffer through 6 heart attacks if their prognosis is certain death because you're the one who's reluctant to let go.


    But to answer you're question my mom died when I was an infant, my farther went into denial mode of her existence, up and moved as far away as possible and we were yelled at for ever mentioning her icon_neutral.gif
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Feb 27, 2010 7:32 PM GMT
    MsclDrew saidYou don't think it's cruel to keep a person alive through to suffer through 6 heart attacks if their prognosis is certain death because you're the one who's reluctant to let go.


    But to answer you're question my mom died when I was an infant, my farther went into denial mode of her existence, up and moved as far away as possible and we were yelled at for ever mentioning her icon_neutral.gif


    You are right to be reluctant to let go. I am glad it was sudden with my Dad. He knew how much I love him. But........when my best friend of 20 yrs was dieing of AIDS in 1989 and had no one to take car of him, I quit my job and moved to Tampa, FL to take care of him. I just couldn't let go. The poor guy was just rotting away before my eyes and still I use to say...........Dale, you only have to breathe. I will do everything else for you. He hung on for me longer than he would have and looking back I do have guilt because that was cruel of me, but in my defense, I was in denial. I honestly thought I was going to get him better. I was scarred by what I saw and I think of him every day. He and my brother are the reason I went into the HIV field for work. My brother died of AIDS in 1986.
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    Feb 27, 2010 7:37 PM GMT
    I hate to say it, but I'm glad my father is dead. He was a complete asshole to me until the day he died 6.5 years ago. I'll never understand why (because he is dead) he pushed me away when he got the cancer that took his life while pulling my older brother and mother closer to him, and I still struggle with tremendous feelings of rejection. I actually can be extremely defensive in person because of it. My mom remarried a man who is more of a father to me than he ever was, and she seems happier with him than she was with my father.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Feb 28, 2010 12:48 AM GMT
    I've always been envious of guys with wonderful, loving parents.
    My mother is a bitter, paranoid, schizophrenic (my diagnosis).
    We have been estranged for many, many years.
    When she dies, it will probably be somewhat of a jolt to me, only because all my grandparents (and my father) are already gone.
    Too bad that she isn't rich and could leave something to me.
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Feb 28, 2010 1:20 AM GMT
    I had my Dad and my Step-mother. My Step-mom was not your typical step witch. We had and still have a great relationship. My mom and I have finally mended fences after all of these years. I use to hate going to her house for Holidays and school vacations. She lived very well, but I think she liked Joan Crawford an awful lot..........she was just like her. Very Mommy Dearest. She was very mentally abusive.
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    Feb 28, 2010 1:30 AM GMT
    I lost my dad last month. My dad played a very postive role in my life. He stressed education my entire life. I did well in school becasue he told me if I put my mind to it, I could do anything. My dad was a hard working man, owned his own business, but worked almost 7 days a week. Because he worked so much, I was not that close to him as much as to my mom.

    When he was diagnosed this august with mesothelioma (asbestos lung cancer) it was shocking to the whole family. He took it really bad and quickly
    got worse and worse. I went to see him 3 days a week at the Cancer hospice in the Bronx. It was very hard to watch a strong man of mind and body whither away to a disease that would eventually kill him.

    Ou family will never be the same, my moms coping, my nephews will be hurt the most because they were practically raised by my dad, who instilled the same values in them as with his two children. When your parent dies, it makes you think life moves way too quickly, so enjoy it as best you can everyday.

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    Feb 28, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    Unfortunately I just lost my dad unexpectedly at the beginning of January. My family is absolutely devastated, especially my mom, they were high school sweethearts together since they were 16 (40 years). I also lost my grandfather (my grandfather on my father's side died when my dad was 18 ) this past August, so this has so far been a really traumatic 6 months for me. I really hope something good comes out of it.
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    Feb 28, 2010 1:58 AM GMT
    well i haven't lost my parents but i almost lost my mom to cancer when i was 10 and my dad to a stroke a year and a half ago. Both of those have changed me for the better not sure how much but definitely for the better.
  • Leawoody

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    Feb 28, 2010 3:15 AM GMT
    A good friend's mother passed away a few years ago. Her father quickly remarried and became less accessible to his children. They blamed it on the new wife, but eventually learned that it was him and not her.

    There is a part of each of us that is defined by those with who we share our lives. Their existence and personality has a direct impact on us and how we interface with others. When you take that person away through death, we revert to our own nature, sometimes out of grief, or relief, or even freedom.

    In the friends case, some of the personality they had come to know from thier father, was created from his shared life with their mother. When she was no longer there, his personality changed and was then redefined by a relationship with his new wife.

    My father died when I was very young. He was a good man and a good dad. Even 30some years later I miss him every day. I am confident that I would be a different person were he alive today, better in some ways, but maybe not as much in other ways. Even in his absence, it took me about 20 years to stop doing things just to please him. It is hard work to receive praise from someone who is dead.
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:23 AM GMT
    I know the pain and loss. Hell I have been through. My aunts, father, mother and grandmother dead 4 or 5 yrs apart. I didn't have the courage to face the death. I am done this time
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    Mar 12, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    I'm currently taking care of my mom, who I believe is entering her last week or two of life. We've never been very close. She's been difficult my entire life, not in a compassionate way at that. I love her, but I'm also ready for her to rest in peace. Free from a mind that has tormented her and a life that has been defined by hardships. I grew up an only child and have always felt a lot of pressure and a lot of disappointment from not "turning out" the way she had envisioned or giving her the things she needed. Over the years I've grown tired of feeling helpless and hopeless to please her. I've finally let go, but she will pass soon. Maybe I won't know what i'm going to miss til she's gone, but I'm ready to live a life without that feeling. I've lived the past 8 months with my parents to help take care of her. I've done what I could do.

    I think I heard about this book on CNN. Interesting read and I certainly relate to this post.
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    Mar 12, 2010 2:20 AM GMT
    NyRuinz saidA close friend of mine recently lost his grandmother, and even though he is devastated I have seen some positive changes in his personality. He use to be very passive and somewhat naive, but now he seems more aware, mature and wise. There is a book called "Death Benefits: How losing a parent can change an adult's life for the better by Jeanne Safer Ph.d, has anyone had a similar experience?



    When I lost my father I didn't appreciate him as the good parent that he was, although I adored him as the loving father that he was!!! when he passed away and the mourning period faded I didn't realized the huge impact his parenting will have in shaping me into the person I am today! my mother is still living so now that I am older and wiser I have a greater sense of self and a great appreciation of her parenting skills thanks to the unconditional love I've gotten from her.

    She is in great health and I get the feeling will probably stay around for a while, but I am also aware that she will not be around forever! having said when her time comes I will probably get through the mourning process a lot better then my other siblings ever will! my mother and I have a wonderful relationship, we think alike, share the same core values and views on life in general. My life is better now because of her presence in my life, and will probably continue to improve even when she is no longer around!


    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 12, 2010 2:50 AM GMT
    I'm currently taking care of my mom, who I believe is entering her last week or two of life. We've never been very close. She's been difficult my entire life, not in a compassionate way at that. I love her, but I'm also ready for her to rest in peace. Free from a mind that has tormented her and a life that has been defined by hardships. I grew up an only child and have always felt a lot of pressure and a lot of disappointment from not "turning out" the way she had envisioned or giving her the things she needed. Over the years I've grown tired of feeling helpless and hopeless to please her. I've finally let go, but she will pass soon. Maybe I won't know what i'm going to miss til she's gone, but I'm ready to live a life without that feeling. I've lived the past 8 months with my parents to help take care of her. I've done what I could do.

    I think I heard about this book on CNN. Interesting read and I certainly relate to this post.
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    Mar 12, 2010 2:53 AM GMT
    The day one of my parents die will be the worst day of my life. I can't even imagine going on without both of them around.
    I used to have nightmares about one of my parents dying even when they had only been to the doctor for a cold or something and I'd be in tears thinking about it. I am not the nicest son to my parents. We argue a lot about stuff and they probably think I am a heartless jerk and don't care about them at all. Quite the opposite actually. I suffer because of them, because I want to make them proud.
    They have given me an amazing life and I had a childhood many others can only dream of. Oh the sacrifices they have made for my sake. Maybe I will have kids someday and know what it is like to love someone that much.

    To those of you dealing with the loss of a close family member, please know that I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how you get through it but I know you will.
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    Mar 12, 2010 4:17 AM GMT
    kevinap saidI'm currently taking care of my mom, who I believe is entering her last week or two of life. We've never been very close. She's been difficult my entire life, not in a compassionate way at that. I love her, but I'm also ready for her to rest in peace. Free from a mind that has tormented her and a life that has been defined by hardships. I grew up an only child and have always felt a lot of pressure and a lot of disappointment from not "turning out" the way she had envisioned or giving her the things she needed. Over the years I've grown tired of feeling helpless and hopeless to please her. I've finally let go, but she will pass soon. Maybe I won't know what i'm going to miss til she's gone, but I'm ready to live a life without that feeling. I've lived the past 8 months with my parents to help take care of her. I've done what I could do.

    I think I heard about this book on CNN. Interesting read and I certainly relate to this post.



    I heard that good sons make great lovers or lifelong partners! I am sure by you taking care of your ailing mother it will make you and someone very happy someday!! Kevin being there for someone in need should not be done because you are looking for their approval, but to make you want to be a better person! I am sure those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness build up a lot of patience in your own character, and thus contributed an inner resilience to life's stresses in your present!?

    Leandro ♥