Making friends when you are in a relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2010 10:41 PM GMT
    Does anyone find this a hard task? Every time I'm with a guy, as soon as I start meeting other friends, and they find out I was with someone, they're not interested in me any more.

    I personally think it is good to keep your relationship quiet when you are meeting new people in the community, does anyone agree or has anyone found the same thing to be true?

    It is not that I mean dishonour to the person I was with, I just don't like to rule out any social opportunities like new friends. They're hard enough to find in a big city as it is...

    Why are guys like this.
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    Feb 27, 2010 11:04 PM GMT

    " Every time I'm with a guy, as soon as I start meeting other friends, and they find out I was with someone, they're not interested in me any more."

    Hey mk2000, when that happens, I steer clear of those so called 'new friends' because they aren't.

    Guess what happens when they do find out you're seeing someone, or if you're single when you make friends with them, what they do and say when you start dating someone?


    -Doug of meninlove
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    Feb 27, 2010 11:14 PM GMT
    Well the thing is is that I don't think it means they are not "real friends". I think because of how hard it is to find guys, people have to prioritize or maybe they are a little resentful when they meet someone who is already with someone.

    Plus, you never know what could happen... There could be a break up! icon_smile.gif personally, I've never thought it was impossible I could end up nabbing someone who was in a couple when I first met them.
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    Feb 28, 2010 12:15 AM GMT
    mk2000 saidDoes anyone find this a hard task? Every time I'm with a guy, as soon as I start meeting other friends, and they find out I was with someone, they're not interested in me any more.

    I personally think it is good to keep your relationship quiet when you are meeting new people in the community, does anyone agree or has anyone found the same thing to be true?

    It is not that I mean dishonour to the person I was with, I just don't like to rule out any social opportunities like new friends. They're hard enough to find in a big city as it is...

    Why are guys like this.



    Stay away from those kind of friends because a real friend should be very supportive and glad you are seeing someone! then again most gay men don't respect much less know the difference of affection between friends and boyfriends! my advice is to stay away from that jealous and envious circle of friends. I myself til this day can't figure out why most gay men are such possessive freaks? why is it that if you don't revolve around their world they don't want anything to do with you?


    Leandro ♥
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    Feb 28, 2010 2:50 AM GMT
    I don't always see it as a possessive issue. Depending on where you meet the guy and if/when you meet his partner, it can be a touchy subject. When making friends with one partner where there is limited opportunities for interaction with the other, I can be overly-conscious of making sure no one thinks I am trying to butt into a relationship, thus cooling off a friendship without even trying. That sucks, because I know (from my experiences, anyway) that too often guys in a relationship really need some good friends more than anything.
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:05 AM GMT
    mk2000 saidWell the thing is is that I don't think it means they are not "real friends". I think because of how hard it is to find guys, people have to prioritize or maybe they are a little resentful when they meet someone who is already with someone.

    Plus, you never know what could happen... There could be a break up! icon_smile.gif personally, I've never thought it was impossible I could end up nabbing someone who was in a couple when I first met them.



    lol, your above post appears to be explaining more about finding romance than friends. icon_wink.gif

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    Feb 28, 2010 3:05 AM GMT
    I generally avoid couples. Maybe I've been running into the wrong people but I get the impression that couples don't want anything to do with single guys. They only want to meet other couples.

    I'm speculating that there's a sense of suspicion or lack of trust, as if the single guy is gonna swoop in and steal your man. Like I said, it's probably the guys that I've encountered and it's probably not a common sentiment. Probably.
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:09 AM GMT
    I don't get along with most gay men because I HATE sexual tension and don't like it being a factor in my friendships.
    When I'm with someone, I'm really proud of who I'm with and don't hide it (I have a neck full of hickeys). I find being up front about my relationship status doesn't stop me from making friends with people worth being friends with.
    Today, for the first time in over a year, I was approached and asked for my number and I got all giddy when I realized I don't want to spend time with anyone other than who I'm seeing. I politely declined the number exchange because it wasn't meant as "let's be friends".
  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Feb 28, 2010 3:11 AM GMT
    mk2000 saidDoes anyone find this a hard task? Every time I'm with a guy, as soon as I start meeting other friends, and they find out I was with someone, they're not interested in me any more.

    I personally think it is good to keep your relationship quiet when you are meeting new people in the community, does anyone agree or has anyone found the same thing to be true?

    It is not that I mean dishonour to the person I was with, I just don't like to rule out any social opportunities like new friends. They're hard enough to find in a big city as it is...

    Why are guys like this.



    I have never found it hard to make friends even when I was single, maybe its the guys your meeting? I've made friends with couples when I was single then again I never tried to meet only gay people, I just meet them randomly either at the gym, out taking photos, wondering the stores, etc. I don't know maybe its cause I'm not looking to get into anyone's pants and don't expect anyone to be trying the same thing.

    Try branching out meeting all types of people, gay, straight, bi, trans, etc. really just staying in the community for friends will only limit the type of people you meet, personally its what I think anyways icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:18 AM GMT
    Yes. I have the same problem. I think it's because you're meeting people who are looking for boys either to date or bed, and when they find out you're taken, well, then what's the point?
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:19 AM GMT
    I'd hang out and post away but I have a party to go to... with a dozen new friends.
    I don't think they care if I'm gay or coupled.
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    Then ThelStrat,you just make a note to self that those people aren't interested in being friends even if you were single. They want a trick, not a budddy.


    We're wide open to friendships, as evidenced in our buddy list. Some are in relationships, many aren't. It shouldn't matter. icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:25 AM GMT
    I have/had a similar problems. My advice would be to find another couple to be friends with. It worked out for us Though sometimes those couples could be looking for more then friendship as well

    It appears the older you get the harder it is to make quality friends.
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    mk2000 saidDoes anyone find this a hard task? Every time I'm with a guy, as soon as I start meeting other friends, and they find out I was with someone, they're not interested in me any more.

    I personally think it is good to keep your relationship quiet when you are meeting new people in the community, does anyone agree or has anyone found the same thing to be true?

    It is not that I mean dishonour to the person I was with, I just don't like to rule out any social opportunities like new friends. They're hard enough to find in a big city as it is...

    Why are guys like this.


    To be honest.. if I was the boyfriend of the person who kept his relationship "quiet" I would be very upset and it would be hard to trust my boyfriend... if you want to find real friends then you need to find people who don't want to be in your pants... most of my friends are straight.. it makes things easy.. no conflict of interest...

    but yea...if the person you are dating is that special to you, you should never keep the relationship quiet... thats just wrong, especially in the gay community.... you gotta set clear boundaries
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 28, 2010 3:46 AM GMT
    I agree with, jake_bh12, but I don't see anything wrong with having friends and a relationship at the same time. Couples or singles if they are your friends then they will like both of you. Its healthy to have both and not be tied up into one person so much that you shut out everyone else. Thats when things can get really complicated. So have your boyfriend and have your friends too. icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 28, 2010 4:03 AM GMT
    Let's face it though... Lots of g** friendships are wrought with sexual tension. That's what makes some of those friendships fun and keeps them fresh.

    It doesn't mean will you WILL fool around with your friends who you have sexual tension with, but fantasy is the next best thing. That is where this friends-in-relationships thing comes in - sometimes it's just inevitable that someone who's already in a relationship will lust over a new friend, and even though the guy in the relationship wouldn't actually do anything, getting into the whole "I have a boyfriend" thing with someone new, might turn the new friend off.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm all for any friends, but I'd lie if I said having hot ones wasn't a bit of a bonus, right?
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    Feb 28, 2010 4:40 AM GMT
    It is true that some gay guys are not interested in knowing someone that they would not date, is not attractive to them, too old, etc, etc .. because they are so obsessed with getting a boyfriend or maybe hooking up .. But those kinds of people I think would not make good friends anyway. But there are quality people out there who are not singly focused.

    However, I think being transparent with people you want to be your friends is a good idea. That was you eliminate the people who might not like you for some reason or another.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Feb 28, 2010 5:01 AM GMT
    It appears the older you get the harder it is to make quality friends.
    [/quote]

    I kinda think so. I have trouble making gay friends who stick around. I have a gay friend who is 72 and in a relationship. He is an unusual guy and we have enough in common. I have straight male friends, age 60 and 67. I don't have any gay friends my age or younger. It could be because I am a racquetball playing nerd who seems to scare guys away. I dunno.

    I'd like friends to have dinner, play tennis or racquetball with, for conversation, to take walks in the woods with, go to movies and plays. I've hardly ever had that.
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    Feb 28, 2010 5:27 AM GMT
    Sounds like they just wanted to get to know you to maybe get in your pants.

    It's hard to tell what type of person a person is gonna be until they act it out. Obviously you don't need those type of people in your life. Don't give up thew hope of meeting a really cool person though and don't limit yourself to just gay men.

    Since you are in a relationship you might wanna try befriending those who are already in a relationship.

    Best of Luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 28, 2010 5:58 AM GMT
    Em3ns said

    It appears the older you get the harder it is to make quality friends.


    This is really, really true, unfortunately.
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    Feb 28, 2010 6:26 AM GMT
    Making friends after college/grad school is rough. And it gets rougher the older you get. Part of it is that people become wary of others who approach them without a context like school or work. But the other part of it is that people start to pair off and vanish.

    I don't mind being friends with coupled people, but generally I find they are (rightfully) so absorbed with their mate that it becomes next-to-impossible to maintain a real friendship with them -- especially if you like friends with whom you can make spontaneous plans.

    I've also found that existing friends often evaporate into thin air once they get paired off. Once you hit your mid-to-late 20s, the couple becomes the unit of social interaction. If your ass is single, then you just get left out.

    Couples hang out with couples. And singles hang out with singles. I've lost some of my best friends to marriage. LOL
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    Feb 28, 2010 6:44 AM GMT
    nah dude...once u get a leash on ur neck ur supposed to turn antisocial....have u not learned shit in ur life....lolz icon_lol.gif
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Feb 28, 2010 6:48 AM GMT

    in my experience, it's been quite the opposite. as if being with someone suddenly becomes this task where the goal is to breach my defenses and get me to run off with them for a tryst. fail.

    on another note, I think it's important to have your own identity. you were someone before him ... you can be both during and after him. this is where in which having your own friends would come.
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    Feb 28, 2010 4:15 PM GMT
    Kickstart saidI don't mind being friends with coupled people, but generally I find they are (rightfully) so absorbed with their mate that it becomes next-to-impossible to maintain a real friendship with them -- especially if you like friends with whom you can make spontaneous plans.

    I've also found that existing friends often evaporate into thin air once they get paired off. Once you hit your mid-to-late 20s, the couple becomes the unit of social interaction. If your ass is single, then you just get left out.
    This is all so unfortunately, barfily true, its sad to say icon_sad.gif but true.

    Unfortunately I don't think couples SHOULD be so absored with their mates though. That is to their detriment. Who's to say they are going to be together forever and what happens if it ends suddenly? That is why I think, if your boyfriend is the jealous type and you need to hide your relationship when making new friends (at the beginning) then that's OK (as long as you don't LIE about it).
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    Feb 28, 2010 7:15 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    " Every time I'm with a guy, as soon as I start meeting other friends, and they find out I was with someone, they're not interested in me any more."

    Hey mk2000, when that happens, I steer clear of those so called 'new friends' because they aren't.

    Guess what happens when they do find out you're seeing someone, or if you're single when you make friends with them, what they do and say when you start dating someone?
    Doug of meninlove


    Very true. Sometimes its like walking through a minefield to make true plutonic friends. A friend may secretly want more. A true friend would be happy that you were dating someone or developing a romantic relationship with another guy.

    I've lost some so called friends after they began to be jealous or hurt when I gave "too much attention" to a potential date/boyfriend. They weren't real friends to begin with.

    If you find yourself developing a friendship with someone, you have to set the rules very early on so that both of you are on the same page. Otherwise they will play head games with you.