after coming out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2008 4:11 AM GMT
    I am a bi guy and I am not out. One of the reasons I have not come out is because i am absolutely terrified about what would happen with my friends. I want to know what people experience. I been told if they are your real friends they won't care, but i am not sure i agree with that.

    I love my friends and I know they are awesome people, but I dont know how they will respond to me coming out. I am hoping to get some stories or advice about what I could expect. I am hoping to hear about guy friends more than anything. I struggle making guy friends, and so I really dont want to lose the ones I have.

    thanks
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 18, 2008 2:23 PM GMT
    First, I think what you tell your friends or don't.. is your own business.

    There are some that advocate the "Tell all" policy.
    Somehow by not reveiling all about your sexuality you are not being "honest" with all. Bull. I don't tell
    everyone about various aspects of my life. Married couples don't talk about their personal issues. I think its ridiculous. I think what you need to consider is something different. If someone asks you, "Are you gay"... how are you going to answer that question. "No I'm bi"? or what. Thats what you need to consider.

    You know your friends and your level of confidenitality
    you have with each of them. I think what you share or don't is your own affair. What do you ultimately want in your life.. is another. What do you want in the end? Determine that and then decide how to get to that point.
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    Jan 18, 2008 2:45 PM GMT
    i went through this exact thing this past fall. i played ball for a team that i grew to love. i got along great with all the guys and became really close to the coach, his wife and family. throughout the entire season, i never spoke about my partner and they mostly assumed i was single and straight.

    i was torn between telling them or leaving it as it was - because one, they are very religious in there way of life and two, i valued their friendship and, like you, i found it hard to make straight guy friends - mainly because of the small community.

    ultimately, i found it in myself to tell them. convinced myself, if they are truly friends and they love me as such, my being gay will not matter to them. i was right. it didn't matter and since this past November, we have grown even closer. i'm now the Godfather to their newborn son - talk about acceptance!

    as far as the rest of the team. i'm out to a few other guys who i thought would be okay with my sexuality, and they are. but i'm not on my way to carrying a rainbow flag to the ballpark. however, if asked, i will be honest.

    i guess turning 35 this year has made me realize accepting myself, completely (which means closing the closet door behind me) is the best thing for me.
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    Jan 18, 2008 5:39 PM GMT
    I'm really new to coming out and have only come out to my wife (been 1 1/2 weeks). What an eye opener... thought for sure I'd be moving out soon after but ended up she wants me to stay as long as I feel it works for me...talk about selflessness.

    Goes to show that you can never predict what others will say or how they will feel. Being on one of the coasts, I figured most would accept. Someday I'll find out when I go to the next stage. My only regret was that I waited 40 yrs to do it...don't make that misstake.

    You are who you are and there's nothing wrong with that! Most people are very accepting and those that are not have their own issues that keep them from seeing you as the person you are.

    Good luck...be strong!
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    Jan 18, 2008 6:18 PM GMT
    When I came out, I saved the "serious" talks for my family, and my closest friend. I was a little nervous because I grew up in a somewhat strict Mormon family. My dad didn't know what to do with a gay son at first, my mom was (and still is) endlessly supportive; and my friend, when I told him that I was dating a man, pretty much had no shock to deal with. I know that I had a strangely fortunate "coming out", but now I introduce my fiancee to people who've known me as straight as my fiancee. I'm sure these people save their surprise until after I'm gone. Then their are family members who I used to have good relationships with, who now dislike me for being gay. I know that I can't really change what they think unless they want to ask me questions about it, but they don't want to change their point of view.

    Coming out is a risky thing. You may keep all your friends, or you may lose some. For some reason, a person becoming open with their sexuality rocks everyone's world. It's all risky business. If you feel you are ready to handle it, then go for it with caution, and trust your friends with this information. I hope all goes well with you, and good luck to your relationships.
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    Jan 18, 2008 6:27 PM GMT
    In my experience, it's a much bigger deal to you than it is to everyone else. Once you get it out in the open, you begin to realize that the world does not revolve around you. My favorite responses came from the folks who said, "So?" and then gave me a big hug.

    If your friends drop you as a result of you being honest with them about who you are... well, they probably aren't the best friends for you to be hanging out with, anyway. But no one left when I broke my news... and in fact, it only made my relationships with friends and family tighter. It was completely positive for me in the long run, albeit scary as hell to begin with.

    Good luck!



  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Jan 18, 2008 6:35 PM GMT
    Came out at the ripe age of 37 - while married with children.

    My 2 cents - do it for no one but you. Do it if you feel you need to.
    Ask yourself, What do you hope to gain by coming out? Are you emotionally strong enough to handle any potential negative fallout?

    I disagree with those who say your sexuality is no one else's business. My sexuality and gay spirit is a huge part of my core - it is a huge part of who i am has a human being. I do not go around telling people of my sexual escapades but being able to share with my friends who i am dating, my hopes of meeting the man of my dreams, or anything else i choose is VERY important to me. I was closeted and in denial for much of my adult life so i now exactly what it was like for me to NEVER be able to share my true feelings to friends/family. I could no longer live my life like that.

    Did i loose friends? Yes. I felt bad for a while but soon realized that these individuals did not share my values - they were certainly entitled to their opinion, as i was. They chose to cut me out of their lives - i accepted that as the price for coming out - but as i eluded - i realized that their friendship was conditional - not the kind of people i want to share my life with.

    Give it more thought - answer the questions i have poised - good luck on this chapter of your life.

    Again, just my 2 cents based on my personal experience.

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    Jan 18, 2008 6:38 PM GMT
    It was actually so much easier for me than I thought. The ones that accepted me are still my friends and family and the ones that didn't are not. I realized that any love or friendship I had received before I came out was only authentic if it was unchanged after coming out. It was actually pretty cool, it cut the number Christmas cards and presents I had to come up with by over 75%. Some of my family members and former friends have contacted me over years to tried and make amends, but while I might forgive them, I really don't see them fitting into my life as it is right now.

    Coming out is scary, but it truly is a defining moment in your life. You almost instantly know who is worthy of your love and friendship and who you need to get rid of as fast as you possibly can.
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    Jan 18, 2008 6:41 PM GMT
    I agree with Hndsm Kansan. "Coming out" is not really necessary in the large scale. Being who you are is important. I've found that with new groups, the matter-of-fact approach as the subject arises works best. Someone might ask about my first girlfriend and I will say "Well, in my case it was a boyfriend..." and go from there. I treat it as a non-subject and that encourages them to do the same.

    And everything you've heard is true. If someone has a problem with your bisexuality then they really aren't your friend. Moreover, such homophobia tells you a lot about that person. Not only is he or she closed to homosexuality, but they have issues with their image of themselves. It isn't that they are bad people because they don't understand gays, but that they are only doing as much as they are challenged to do and not reaching towards any sort of enlightenment. It doesn't mean that you have to carve them out of your life because your influence on them could help them to grow, but DON'T let their poison seep into your own self-perception and self-worth.

    Already, it sounds as though you've done what so many of us do, which is to place these people in a higher esteem than yourself. Lower their stock value, raise yours above theirs and accept whatever they do with confidence in who you are.
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    Jan 18, 2008 7:26 PM GMT
    Damarco4u said
    Already, it sounds as though you've done what so many of us do, which is to place these people in a higher esteem than yourself. Lower their stock value, raise yours above theirs and accept whatever they do with confidence in who you are.


    Perfect response.
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    Jan 19, 2008 3:08 AM GMT
    You wouldn't be asking if you weren't ready to take this on, so remember -- you are in control and you decide who knows what and when... for a while ... So think of it as a press release -- advance notice to close friends, hints dropped to others, family members warned first! It can turn out to be a long process lasting months -- but that's ok, you hit a rythem and do it. It's a tunnel with a bright end... really.
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    Jan 19, 2008 3:55 AM GMT
    jaydub saidPerfect response.


    Thanks, jaydub. I know exactly where he's coming from having done these things myself.
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    Jan 31, 2008 8:21 PM GMT


    I told a few friends I am sorry I did. They never let you forget it..............their attitude to you does change...........even though I am still friends with them something changes regardless of their "oh it doesnt matter" that means nothing"" I really wasnt that terrified about telling them...but i think that a persons sexuality is truly their own business.icon_redface.gif
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    Jan 31, 2008 8:30 PM GMT
    There is one very important factor that everyone has ignored. You said you are bi, not gay. That changes things a lot.

    If you want to keep dating women, you probably don't want to come out. Very few women will want to date a guy if they know he also sleeps with guys. Coming out as a bisexual pretty much means you're going to be gay.

    There are exceptions of course - but the women I've known who will date a bisexual are not women you'd want to date.
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    Jan 31, 2008 8:31 PM GMT
    Take a DEEP breath gbaby! It won't be the easiest thing in the world, however if anything really was that easy would it be rewarding? Think about working out! If it was easy, would we all see the results we get plus the rewarding feeling/accomplishments we receive from it??
    Most importantly do it for you, when you're ready! Hold true you! To your world. To your life. Typically it is a bigger deal in our heads than it actually ends up being, yet we still need to get over that hump.

    I took the bull by the head, like most things, and came out to my brother first; assuming he was gonna be the one to make it the MOST difficult for me. Tell you what though, since then we have become the BEST of friends he's been AMAZINGLY AWESOME ever since, hell he even has gone to Gay bars with my friends & I! Again, it was a bigger deal in my head then reality!

    Hang in there gbaby and do it for you & when you're ready!
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    May 19, 2008 11:59 PM GMT
    I have three very close guy friends, all of them straight. Two of them I was out to on the occasion of meeting them, one was a long time friend that I had to come out to after knowing him for years.

    All three are the best friends anyone could ever ask for and my orientation is completely a non-issue for them. It's irrelevant.

    For the most part I think guys who value your friendship will be your friend no matter what.

    That said, I did lose one close friend when I came out to him. It pissed me off at first, but now I'm resigned to it. I really don't care to have friends who aren't going to accept me for who I am, who are going to view me as a "sinner", or who expect me to hide parts of my life so they're not made to feel uncomfortable. It's really a problem with them, not me.
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    May 20, 2008 12:16 AM GMT
    I haven't read many of the prior responses, but I'll throw my $.02 in.

    It more than likely is a much bigger deal to you than it is to your friends. Most of them probably suspect something, anyway. Your friends' intuition about you, assuming you know them well, is probably very accurate.

    My experience is that I am closer to my friends than ever before. Now that I'm out and they know the true me, we couldn't be closer. They really have become my second family. I really didn't expect it. I mean, I knew they were accepting and tolerant people, but I never imagined we would have become this close.

    I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine. But, at the very least, I'm sure you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

    Good luck.
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    May 20, 2008 12:32 AM GMT
    I've went through what you're debating on doing. And trust me telling my friends was a whole lot earier than when i came out to my parents. When people say Real friends won't care about this change in what you like sexually. Believe me it's true, sure I lost a couple friends but for some reason I knew they weren't as good of friends as I myself had been for them so losing them wasn't too hurtful to me. Those that didn't care about me finally coming out helped me out in more ways then I can remember.
    I believe everyone picks friends who are in some way like us or at least non-chalant about it. The relief you'll feel once those you cared most about stay cause it doesn't change anything, i think we be the most rewarding time for you.
    Sometimes we have to risk it all to gain everything or else everything we do have will mean nothing. I'd rather be honest with myself and the people I care about then have to lie about myself to others. But in the end I agree with HndsmKansan (surprising I know HK) but it all depends on the level of friendship you have with people whether or not to want to share something that personal with them. Sahring it first with those you feel are your true friends, ones who you can tell anything to first I think will be the biggest step for you. I hope this has helped in at least the tinyest way. Best of luck man with whatever you finally decide to do.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 20, 2008 3:14 AM GMT
    Paradigm said But in the end I agree with HndsmKansan (surprising I know HK)



    Well maybe there is hope yet....
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    May 20, 2008 7:26 AM GMT
    yea honestly everyone seems to care less about it than you until they realize how hard it was for you to come out. Then theyll be real supportive.
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    May 20, 2008 3:52 PM GMT
    in my case, i am not out too, but my family 's already known cause i never talk about girls to my dad.....i'm thinking to tell my friends, but i don't wanna do this because i dunno how they will respond after that and don't want to face my ex-girlfriend how she gonna react...i still love her,but as a friend now
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19133

    May 20, 2008 4:03 PM GMT
    Personally, I like to know WHO my friends are. Lay it out on the table and let the cards fall where they may.
  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    May 25, 2009 11:14 AM GMT
    The few friends I've told so far have been really supportive - both guys and girls. Haven't told my family yet, and there are still a lot of folks I haven't told - I don't really need to at the moment.

    In short - if you're friends are good friends, they won't mind. They may take a bit of time to get used to it, but they'll be fine about it. But there's no pressure to tell anyone if you don't want to!
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    May 25, 2009 11:16 AM GMT
    gbaby21011 saidI am a bi guy and I am not out. One of the reasons I have not come out is because i am absolutely terrified about what would happen with my friends. I want to know what people experience. I been told if they are your real friends they won't care, but i am not sure i agree with that.

    I love my friends and I know they are awesome people, but I dont know how they will respond to me coming out. I am hoping to get some stories or advice about what I could expect. I am hoping to hear about guy friends more than anything. I struggle making guy friends, and so I really dont want to lose the ones I have.

    thanks


    You have to be true to yourself, and come to like yourself, first. The rest follows. If your friends are true friends, they'll thank you for finally being honest. If your friends are true friends, they likely already know (unless they're way stupid). Come to have virtue, and to like yourself, and the rest will follow.
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    May 25, 2009 12:31 PM GMT
    I agree with Chucky. Although i haven't fully come out, i have came out to my mother and my best friend of 19yrs back in '06. I went through whole thing of not wanting to loose my friends and feeling that i'm no longer loved by my family because we all listen to the things friends and family would say when it comes to homosexuality whether it's while watching a movie or just in general and it's like him i wonder if they would really feel that way if they knew i was too. I first had to get to that level that i'm ok with it and i'm happy with who I am then i can worry about telling those important to me.

    My best friend was the first one to find out and i actually didn't tell him he found out on his own (damn myspace). I had just joined myspace in the middle of '05 but didn't tell any of my friends and i didn't even put my home town so i wouldn't come up in the search but i put bi under orienation. Months went by and i kind of forgot about it and in '06 i signed on and desided to check my messages and i had one from him. My first thought was "OH SHIT" icon_redface.gif so i waited a bit then decided to open it and he was just basically like hey whats up i see ur profile says that ur bi. Why didn't you say anything, are you trying to hide it? Either way you're still my boy, i look at you as a brother because you have been more of a brother to me then any of my brothers have and know this i'm here for you. It was such a bit sigh of relief. There are 12 kids in his family and they are religious, goto church friday, saturday, sunday and somtimes tuesday so he would have been the last person i would have thought to tell but he was cool with it but the rest of his family doesn't know. We pretty much have gone on like nothing although he says i'm not aloud to make gay jokes because it's not fair lol.

    I won't give you guys the sob story about when i told me my mother lol she just basically said i still love you.icon_biggrin.gif