Sex Outside the Relationship;benefits?regrets?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2010 1:56 PM GMT
    I've got a very loving relationship with someone who has a low sex drive. He is physically healthy, even very dynamic, but he simply doesn't get sexually aroused more than a few times a year. Our play together usually involves him blowing me or jacking me, with no stimulation for him. He just doesn't want it.

    I knew this from the beginning, 5 years ago, but I was and still am completely in love with him. He loves me too; I know.

    Here's my question: Is playing with someone else, occasionally....someone who wants to get off as I do, a reasonable OR VERY BAD IDEA? Will getting some playful relief make me calmer and more appreciative of my relationship....or undo it?

    I'd appreciate information based on knowledge of personal experience....rather than say recantation of a Bible verse.

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    Mar 01, 2010 2:02 PM GMT
    You didn't make it clear whether you're asking if it's OK to do this behind your boyfriend's back, or with his complete knowledge. The former is completely uncool and weak. The latter is a danger zone, and you gotta have an incredibly strong relationship to make it work. You're talking about an open relationship, which works with some people but can ruin a couple very quickly.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 01, 2010 2:18 PM GMT
    If you are doing it behind his back, then it's cheating and not a good idea if you want your relationship to work. If you want to open the relationship, then be honest about it - which admittedly can be easier said than done.
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    Mar 01, 2010 2:32 PM GMT
    There is only one answer ever in this kind of question:

    TALK

    So your partner has a lower sex drive than you (god knows this has happened to me often!) but sometimes the other things in life are more important than sex.

    Maybe your partner has a different sexual satisfaction than you? I found with my partner that our sex became mundane, but it was because I hadn't ever told him what I really wanted to do. Once I had explained my sexual ideas, and he told me his, we have been magic in bed (and everywhere else!) ever since.

    An example? We both used to enjoy porn, but separately: he knew that I watched my collection, and I knew he watched his. Then one day, I said "Why don't we watch it together?" and a really great connection and fuck occurred.

    A relationship is called so because it means more than sex, and definitely if you guys truly love each other, you shouldn't go out and cheat on him.
    But if you talk to this guy, who should know you really really well after 5 years, you should be able to work it out.

    good luck
    cronker
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    LikeableGuy saidI've got a very loving relationship with someone who has a low sex drive. He is physically healthy, even very dynamic, but he simply doesn't get sexually aroused more than a few times a year.


    That is not physically healthy.

    There is almost certainly a medical issue with him. Has he been tested for low or low-normal testosterone? Too high estrogen or prolactin? These things can usually be fixed.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2010 3:57 PM GMT
    get his levels of testosterone checked.
    get interested in what he sexually likes.
    make sure that you are not lousy in bed. Maybe you don't come with new ideas? like having a 3some? toys? oral sex, rimming, sucking?
    last, make sure your bf is not cheating on you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2010 3:58 PM GMT
    I agree with viveutvivas; has your partner been to a doctor? You should first determine if there's a medical reason for his low sex drive. If there isn't, then you might want to see a therapist together to determine if there's another cause for the low sex drive.

    I wouldn't open up the relationship unless he agrees to it and you set specific rules and boundaries.

    My partner and I have a similar problem and it does get very frustrating for me, so I know what you're feeling. I have talked with him quite a bit about it and told him what my frustrations are. I realize that it will take both of us to get back on track and I'm trying to figure out what to do. We both agreed from the start that we'd be monogamous and I would not change it without his agreement.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2010 4:44 PM GMT
    how old is ur low-sex-drive boyfriend? Here are a couple thing su can try before thinking about sex outside of your lovely relationship

    - He needs more vitamins that helps increase sex drive? B, Zinc, etc..
    - Foreplay? Some people are turned on by touch leather, beats me
    - Romantic settings?
    - Sex counselor?
    - Physical check "down there" and see if there's anything wrong at all?
    - Viagra?
    - Is he cheating behind your back? (possible)
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 01, 2010 7:36 PM GMT
    You can't change your boyfriend. If he's okay with where he's at sexually and doesn't want to change then your choices are limited. If you're going to go outside the relationship, you need to let him know that you're not fulfilled. If he's not okay with that, then you need to decide what's more important to you, staying in this long-term relationship where your sexual needs aren't fulfilled or ending it. Your happiness is as important as his happiness. He either needs to give you more (it's called compromise -- and it sounds like you've been doing more than your share), come to an agreement with you about what your extracurricular activities can and can not involve, or end the relationship.

    To play outside of the relationship without his knowledge is not acceptable.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    There isn't necessarily something wrong with your boyfriend. There is a natural variation in sex drive, and his could just be low. That said, having a doctor check him out is not a bad idea.

    But, I agree with everyone else. Talk to him. Frame the conversation as "this is something we need for the long term survival of our relationship" rather than "I really want to fuck someone else".
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Mar 01, 2010 7:47 PM GMT
    He could also be asexual. Meaning he has an extremely low sexdrive
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2010 7:52 PM GMT
    Just b/c the guy has a low sex drive doesn't mean he's unhealthy or his hormones are out of whack. Unless you are all physicians, your medical opinions are just that - opinions.

    OP, what you're going through isn't unusual. You need to sit and have a talk with your partner. The last thing you need to be doing is sleeping around behind his back, so find some common ground, establish rules, and stick to them.
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    Mar 01, 2010 7:58 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidIf you are doing it behind his back, then it's cheating and not a good idea if you want your relationship to work. If you want to open the relationship, then be honest about it - which admittedly can be easier said than done.
    True. Get the venus 2000 blow job machine man. Best investment I ever made. My sex drive is like a donkey in heat. Its helped me a ton.
  • kietkat

    Posts: 342

    Mar 01, 2010 8:06 PM GMT
    Um.. are you asking if it's ok to cheat on your boyfriend or have sex with someone else with his permission?

    If it's the latter (as others have mentioned), things can change drastically for your relationship good or bad. Is it worth the risk?
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Mar 01, 2010 8:41 PM GMT
    LikeableGuy said Will getting some playful relief make me calmer and more appreciative of my relationship....or undo it?

    you would need to speak with your beau about that. how would you feel if he wanted the same? perhaps, you might work out a mutual third party. who knows? your relationship is how the two of you define it. werk.
  • WILDCARD73

    Posts: 545

    Mar 01, 2010 8:56 PM GMT
    its a risk you wanna take
    expect that anything might happen
    you dont know whats gonna be behind that door, and down the road if u chose to.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 2:09 AM GMT
    Regardless of what anyone says every relationship is unique and if this is something that you and your partner discuss and agree is manageable in your relationship then pursue it. However it will require a great deal of maturity frm you both.