Dating a younger guy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    I was recently at a bar with some friends when I noticed this really handsome older guy staring at me. He came up to me and introduced himself. Skip ahead an hour, and we had been talking nonstop, mostly joking but also talking about our lives as well. He seemed genuinely interested... At one point he made a joke about how old he was, and our ages hadnt come up in the conversation yet, and I assumed he was about 32-33. I said "You can't be that old, what are you, 33?" And I was right on the money! Then he asked how old I was, and I said 22.

    He took a step back, and was genuinely surprised. He said he thought I was at least 27 or 28. Then, over a matter of minutes, he seemed to lose all interest and then left. Despite what anyone thinks, by the way he acted I know it was because of my age.

    So tell me, have you ever had this happen to you, or done it to someone else? Would you ever rule out dating a younger guy just because of his age, even if you had a great connection?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 5:09 PM GMT
    Has this been done to me? Yes, recently, a kid tried to pick me up and I turned him down because he was 22 (I'm 46) which is far too young for me. He "corrected" himself and said that he was 28. I told him that I was flattered but gently declined. He got upset with me and told me that I am a sad man for not giving him the chance to know him (actually, go to bed with him).

    I told him not to take it personally but to respect my preference (men around my age). He got up and stormed out.

    I'm sure he got over it and so should you.

  • Stephan

    Posts: 407

    Mar 02, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    You seem very mature, and I am sure that is what kept his interest in you at that time... Its nothing you did, However, age is a scary thing for older guys when it comes to dating younger guys. Since, I fall in that age bracket of older guys, its hard because the time invested in a getting to know someone younger, especially if there is a 10yr split or more put a lot of fear of the what can happen... Some men at that age(older) might be looking for someone to call Husband for keeps indifintely. Some older men feel that their biological clock is ticking loudly in settling down and are afraid of the younger guys. Why? because in some cases, the younger guy has not gone threw the various stages of life yet or experience the things at certain ages. Example, a friend of mine dated a young guy of 23, he still wanted to party with friends and skate board all the time. The older guy was ready to buy a house, travel, invest with someone in opening a bussiness, etc. The younger guy's frame of mind was not ready for that, in fact, he just like the idea of messing around with an older mature guy, but really didn't think of making a comittment to the older guy. The novelty wore off, and the younger guy dumped the older man. This tends to happen often among gay men, however, there a few relationships that do work well... It boils down to the persons maturity level and how much one is willing to committ to a relationship.

    This is a hard question, but the losses difference in age can at times make big factor on each person is looking for, the guy you were talking to probably was looking at you at different angle than what you were viewing him.

    I hope this helps, but I am sure others here can shed more light and insight to help you understand what happen.

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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 5:25 PM GMT
    First of all, WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING?????

    Second, don't sweat it. He set rules for himself and dating, you have no idea why - maybe he dated somebody your age who was really immature or for whatever reason it didn't go well. Who knows?

    I think it's great that you keep an open mind, and it's too bad that you were disappointed. But don't take it personally.

    And finally, WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING?????
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 02, 2010 5:27 PM GMT
    I'd have a hard time dating someone under 30.
  • CAtoFL

    Posts: 834

    Mar 02, 2010 5:31 PM GMT
    There have been a lot of threads on RJ about dating outside of your own demographics (ethnicity, age, location, etc.), but I think in your specific case, the guy who walked away missed a good opportunity to know you. Especially since you seemed to have things in common that allowed you to talk together for an hour. I think we're quick in our community to downgrade people who aren't exactly like us or who aren't like a preconceived stereotype of what we're looking for. And I think that's a mistake.

    After all, what's the worst that can happen? There is little downside to knowing someone new and there is a lot of potential happiness there. Even if you don't end up BFs, what's the downside to having a new friend? I have friends ranging in age from 21 to 83 and I appreciate each one of them for what they 'bring to the table'.

    So, yeah, I think the guy shortchanged himself by not getting to know you based on your age.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 5:31 PM GMT
    OMG - 33 is an "older guy"? I must be an ancient!

    Seriously though, if everything was going well until age came up, it is his loss.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 5:38 PM GMT
    bigeasydude saidHas this been done to me? Yes, recently, a kid tried to pick me up and I turned him down because he was 22 (I'm 46) which is far too young for me. He "corrected" himself and said that he was 28. I told him that I was flattered but gently declined. He got upset with me and told me that I am a sad man for not giving him the chance to know him (actually, go to bed with him).

    I told him not to take it personally but to respect my preference (men around my age). He got up and stormed out.

    I'm sure he got over it and so should you.



    Well what happened between the two of you definitely did not play out the same way with me. Its not a matter of getting over something, I just find it funny that he completely rejected the idea of even talking just because of our age difference. But thanks for your input.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 5:38 PM GMT
    sashaman saidOMG - 33 is an "older guy"? I must be an ancient!

    Seriously though, if everything was going well until age came up, it is his loss.


    Well yeah, 33 is an older guy since I'm 22. 33 would be older. heh.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 6:03 PM GMT
    Hardly any difference at all from my perspective. LOL . When 24 year olds ask me out then there is something to talk about.
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Mar 02, 2010 6:15 PM GMT
    What's ironic about this story is that the 33 year old guy judged you for being too young, while his behavior clearly makes him the one who is actually less mature.
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    Mar 02, 2010 6:20 PM GMT
    fitnfunmich saidWhat's ironic about this story is that the 33 year old guy judged you for being too young, while his behavior clearly makes him the one who is actually less mature.


    I guess I don't see why it makes him immature. We ALL have preferences in what we look for in a partner. I know they just met, and we all may be baffled as to why he didn't even want to continue talking even as he was ruling out a relationship in his mind - but just because we don't know why doesn't mean we should judge him to be immature or shallow close-minded.
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Mar 02, 2010 6:43 PM GMT
    What is immature about his behavior is the fact that he seemed very interested in the 22 year old (looks, conversation, personality, etc.) until he heard his age, then all of a sudden he was no longer interested.

    If this particular 22 year old looked older, and acted older, then what is the problem? Preferences are one thing, but if this guy wasn't interested in guys younger than him then why did he approach this guy in the first place? (By his own words he thought the younger guy looked 27.) They could have ended up being friends, even if nothing romantic or sexual ensued.

    So yes, judging someone based on something trivial is immature.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 6:51 PM GMT
    fitnfunmich said

    So yes, judging someone based on something trivial is immature.



    But that's exactly what you're doing. He spoke to Vegas for an hour, determined that he wasn't compatible with what he's looking for, and moved on. We do such things all the time. Since you have no clue as to why he doesn't want to date younger men, or even have friends who are younger, then you can't be critical of him.

    Judging somebody for not wanting to date outside his age range is just as bad as judging somebody for not liking broccoli - there's no good reason for it except he just doesn't like it. More to the point, it's just as bad as a straight person judging you for only liking men.
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Mar 02, 2010 7:00 PM GMT
    Yes I see your point, and to be fair we can't really know what was going on in the 33 yr old's head. All I am saying is that IF he was attracted to and interested in the guy he thought was 27, but immediately ruled him out because he was younger by 5 years, then I think he made a prejudicial call.

    (e.g it would be like my saying that I like brunettes, but when I found out your hair was naturally blond instead then I'm over you. Silliness.)
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Mar 02, 2010 7:11 PM GMT
    You'll drive yourself nuts trying to get inside someone's head as to why to might interested in you, might have been interested, might be interested in the future and so on and so on....
    You met a guy, had a great time and that's it. Maybe he got gangraped at 22? Maybe his ex dumped him when he was 22? Maybe he was a shallow jerk? On and on and on....
    Don't worry there will be another man along in a few minutes anyway!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 7:11 PM GMT
    While in some cases age may only be a number, some people do have specific preferences.

    I look and act a lot younger than I am, which surprises some people, and they choose not to go out with me because I'm older. Sometimes I wish they'd give me a chance, but then, I've had men 10-15 years older than I am interested in me, and I find that I've been guilty of that on the other end as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 7:24 PM GMT
    fitnfunmich saidYes I see your point, and to be fair we can't really know what was going on in the 33 yr old's head. All I am saying is that IF he was attracted to and interested in the guy he thought was 27, but immediately ruled him out because he was younger by 5 years, then I think he made a prejudicial call.

    (e.g it would be like my saying that I like brunettes, but when I found out your hair was naturally blond instead then I'm over you. Silliness.)



    Believe me, I wouldn't have made the same decision as that dude. I'm a fan of Vegas! But who knows what the dude was thinking.

    Digressing for a moment: IMO, no blond (such as yourself) should ever color his hair darker. I like the blond guys. ;)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 7:59 PM GMT
    I'm guilty of prejudging based on age. Not prejudging the person... but prejudging the outcome of the relationship/friendship.

    If there is a major age difference... I find the other person is often in a different place in life... and that leaves the potential for problems.

    That said- I still seem to enjoy repeating my mistake and date people with a large age variance. =)
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Mar 02, 2010 8:47 PM GMT
    I think it's too bad that the guy didn't take the opportunity to get to know the OP, especially since they were having an engaging conversation. However, I wouldn't fault him if he wasn't interested in pursuing anything more than that. The age difference between 22 and 32 is probably relatively bridge-able, but some guys only want to stick within a couple years of their age range, and others are more flexible. He just should have been more courteous about it.

    That being said, I've been actively pursued by 20 year olds (I'm 44) who reacted very badly when I very nicely and honestly told them that I'm not interested in dating them or hooking up. It's a personal choice, not a condemnation or rejection.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 02, 2010 8:53 PM GMT
    Just for the sake of argument, if the ages were reversed and it was the 22 year old that walked away from the 33 year old when finding out his age, would there still be people saying the 22 year old was being closed minded?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2010 9:01 PM GMT
    Good point Timberoo! I read other forums with the theme of dating an older guy, and generally the people over the age of 40/50 scream and scream about how the younger guy should at least make a friend in a similar situation. And some even have the nerve to say "well you should sleep with older guys because one day you will be old" as they waggle their cane in the air.

    I am only expressing my anger at that group of people mentioned above. I do agree, that people have preferences and they do not owe people anything when it comes to preferences.
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Mar 02, 2010 9:01 PM GMT
    Yes I would indeed, Timberoo.

    Look, I get sick and tired of hearing all the single guys piss and moan about not ever meeting anybody, while their list of acceptable attributes grows longer than the lies they tell online.

    "He has to be ____ old"
    "He has to have ____ eyes"
    "He has to drive a ____."
    "He can't be shorter than ____"
    "He better love to ____"

    See what I mean? It should be about the inside, not the outside.

    "He is really kind."
    "He makes me laugh"
    "He truly listens to me"
    "He gets me."

    Until they look for what they REALLY need they are destined for disappointment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2010 12:58 AM GMT
    I think there's also an issue of experience involved, and how much either can bring up that both can relate too... graying back hair an' all...
  • laxdude25

    Posts: 604

    Mar 03, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    i am in my late 40's and in the past 10 years or so have had great, quality connections (not hook-ups) with 6 guys of all ages, including as young as 22 and as "old" as 52. i have met the guys through sports (sailing, playing soccer, skiing) or through work, so there is already a connection. i think what is critical is the mutual interest and respect, sexual chemistry, and that can happen at a lot of different ages because people are so different. but i'm in "close friend with benefits" territory, so maybe that makes it different.