Gay guys and bad relationships with their fathers

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 04, 2010 7:16 AM GMT
    I can honestly say, I've yet to meet a gay guy who has had an amazing relationship with his father growing up. It's either that it was horrible, they didn't have a dad, or it was OK but they were never close.

    Some people say a lack of a father attributes to why guys are gay. I suppose this is if you believe it's environmental rather than how you were born. I know I was born gay but that's subjective and another topic.

    My dad was/is a good guy but we were never close. He was into sports, hunting, and fishing. I enjoyed those things to an extent but my interests were more movies and music, so we never connected. But he also never made an effort to care about my passions. So, I am also one of the people who did not have a strong father/masculine figure growing up.

    Guess I just find it interesting....and wanted to get other thoughts on this subject. Does not having a close relationship with your father play a part in why you think you are gay?

    I'd also like to hear stories from gay guys who did indeed have a great relationship with their dads growing up and still do today. If you exist.

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    Mar 04, 2010 7:47 AM GMT
    Interesting topic!!! I like this one. My dad and I never had the best relationship, mostly due to the fact that he always wanted me to be something other then who I was. I was a lot different then my brother who was more of a follower vs. I who just didn't care and wanted to do what I wanted to do. My father was a great provider but really sucked at being a dad, he tried and I know he meant well, but he came from another country (Honduras) where men are macho and suppose to be very tough. Being said that I think he knew way back then that I was gay and tried very hard to toughen me up more. I think I was pretty rounded back then. I liked playing with the girls and boys either pretend baking or building a tree house and having a pomegranate fight. I'm still like that, LOL... I like to cook, build things, and play with my chain saw just as I like fashion and shopping. I'm just me. I embrace my masculine side just as I do my feminine side.
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    Mar 04, 2010 7:49 AM GMT
    What, is that Freudian? It just seems like it would be a way outdated theory. Granted his work was awesome foundation, I have a hard time taking some of his stuff to heart.

    And, from my experience, I didn't have a good relationship with either parent in the beginning so I suppose that sorta messes with that approach.

    I've noticed that, as well. I'm not disregarding your observation. It's interesting, though. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 04, 2010 7:51 AM GMT
    to your question, "Does your relationship with your father play a part o mefbeing gay?" My answer is No.
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    Mar 04, 2010 7:53 AM GMT
    EverydayJack saidInteresting topic!!! I like this one. My dad and I never had the best relationship, mostly due to the fact that he always wanted me to be something other then who I was. I was a lot different then my brother who was more of a follower vs. I who just didn't care and wanted to do what I wanted to do. My father was a great provider but really sucked at being a dad, he tried and I know he meant well, but he came from another country (Honduras) where men are macho and suppose to be very tough. Being said that I think he knew way back then that I was gay and tried very hard to toughen me up more. I think I was pretty rounded back then. I liked playing with the girls and boys either pretend baking or building a tree house and having a pomegranate fight. I'm still like that, LOL... I like to cook, build things, and play with my chain saw just as I like fashion and shopping. I'm just me. I embrace my masculine side just as I do my feminine side.
    Hmmm...

    There's been a study on people wiho are androgynous (in terms of gender rols- expressive gender roles and instrumental gender roles) and it's found that men and women possessing good variety of both are a generally happier crowd.
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    Mar 04, 2010 8:23 AM GMT
    Soulasphyx said
    EverydayJack saidInteresting topic!!! I like this one. My dad and I never had the best relationship, mostly due to the fact that he always wanted me to be something other then who I was. I was a lot different then my brother who was more of a follower vs. I who just didn't care and wanted to do what I wanted to do. My father was a great provider but really sucked at being a dad, he tried and I know he meant well, but he came from another country (Honduras) where men are macho and suppose to be very tough. Being said that I think he knew way back then that I was gay and tried very hard to toughen me up more. I think I was pretty rounded back then. I liked playing with the girls and boys either pretend baking or building a tree house and having a pomegranate fight. I'm still like that, LOL... I like to cook, build things, and play with my chain saw just as I like fashion and shopping. I'm just me. I embrace my masculine side just as I do my feminine side.
    Hmmm...

    There's been a study on people wiho are androgynous (in terms of gender rols- expressive gender roles and instrumental gender roles) and it's found that men and women possessing good variety of both are a generally happier crowd.


    Sweet!! I am pretty happy, I like who I am. Although I enjoy my masculine side more. I like the assertiveness and testosterone especially with my Bficon_redface.gificon_lol.gif
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    Mar 04, 2010 9:27 AM GMT
    Yup I fall into this category. Never had a relationship with my Dad. He was never really there for me, or anyone for that matter.
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    Mar 04, 2010 9:38 AM GMT
    I had a great relationship with my father growing up. In fact when I turned 18 he bought me a huge bottle of patron and for the first time I saw him get way wasted. That was shocking icon_eek.gif, but fun. Awesome timesicon_biggrin.gif

    Yeah, up to this day I try and hang out with my father quite often, although he doesn't know that I'm gay.
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    Mar 04, 2010 12:43 PM GMT
    I have never had great relationship with my father. But our issue is one of personal distance, rather than animosity. He had me when he was older and generally acted disinterested in being a parent, particularly after my parents divorced.

    He never once came to any of my games in high school.
    He never calls. If I do not call him, I could go years without speaking to him.
    He never remembered my birthday.

    But we have always been on decent -- if superficial -- terms. He really knows nothing about me and has never made an effort to learn. When I was very young, I gravitated toward him, though, because my relationship with my mother was always soul-crushing and stormy.

    I've never been angry at him for this, but in many ways I don't feel that I had the father figure that a lot of guys have had.
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    Mar 04, 2010 1:06 PM GMT
    I had a great relationship with my dad..it was my mother I didn't get along with
  • HndsmKansan

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    Mar 04, 2010 1:17 PM GMT
    My relationship with my Dad wasn't perfect growing up, but we've always been close.

    We have enjoyed many of the same interests, education and focus. Not always the same... fitness being one of them. We worked together on major projects at home and he has been a counselor and a major part of my life in almost every way.

    I would assume gay guys are like straights... some have good relationships, some no.
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    Mar 04, 2010 1:26 PM GMT
    I had a great dad growing up, even after I came out our relationship only improved. My dad always played the strong, but silent type. He was never a big talker, but we would hang out all the time. He would take me traveling with him for work, camping, fishing, he coached my baseball team for 6 years, and even had "the talk" with me some time around high school. He has supported me in everything I have done. He has also been there to help me pick up the pieces of my failures!

    I will always remember that he drove down to my college which was about 3 hours from home on a tuesday after work because my car key actually broke in half and I didn't have the spare. We still laugh about that one to this day!

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    Mar 04, 2010 2:25 PM GMT
    Kickstart saidI have never had great relationship with my father. But our issue is one of personal distance, rather than animosity. He had me when he was older and generally acted disinterested in being a parent, particularly after my parents divorced.

    He never once came to any of my games in high school.
    He never calls. If I do not call him, I could go years without speaking to him.
    He never remembered my birthday.

    But we have always been on decent -- if superficial -- terms. He really knows nothing about me and has never made an effort to learn. When I was very young, I gravitated toward him, though, because my relationship with my mother was always soul-crushing and stormy.

    I've never been angry at him for this, but in many ways I don't feel that I had the father figure that a lot of guys have had.


    I very much agree with you too
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    Mar 04, 2010 2:33 PM GMT
    I have a awsome relationship with my dad. He had a hard time when i told him i was gay at first, but dosen't phase him now. It's my mother that i have a hard time getting along with, and still do.
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    Mar 04, 2010 2:39 PM GMT
    Uhm, I can honestly say I've never met a straight guy who has had an amazing relationship with his father growing up. This isn't a gay/straight issue, it's a male issue.

    Men (and women) are gay because of nature, not because of nurture. By your logic, if the latter had anything to do with it, there would be few straight men running around.

    BTW, my partner has an amazing relationship with his father, and always has. His dad is one of the greatest men I know.
  • Timbales

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    Mar 04, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    my partner had a great relationship with his father
  • laxdude25

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    Mar 04, 2010 2:48 PM GMT
    for the record, i am a big proponent of the nature v nuture. we are who we are, including in terms of sexuality. as many have pointed out, a "bad" relationship with a dad is something experienced by guys on every point of the sexuality spectrum.

    i had a great relationship with my dad. shared interests, but also quiet support for whatever my interests were which were different from his. he introduced me to opera, ballet, skiing, sailing, squash...but also taught me how to throw a baseball, shoot a gun, catch and fillet a fish, etc. he died when i was 13, but i feel he's there all the time.
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    Mar 04, 2010 2:56 PM GMT
    BILLY_1980 said...and wanted to get other thoughts on this subject. Does not having a close relationship with your father play a part in why you think you are gay?

    I'd also like to hear stories from gay guys who did indeed have a great relationship with their dads growing up and still do today. If you exist.

    I've told some of this before here, and I fall into both your categories. My late father was indeed distant & remote, not affectionate, but also generous and very thoughtful at times.

    We could fight like cats & dogs, but I love him, and wish he were still here. As an adult I never had much quality time with him, because the Army was forever sending me somewhere, though sometimes he'd visit and stay with me. Gosh, he was a character! When I began to realize I have many of his traits, I wasn't ashamed at all, though I know many gay men who consider such a comparison with their own fathers to be an insult. Rather, I wish I could have been as good as him in many ways.

    A point of clarification: I do not THINK I'm gay, I AM gay. And much later I learned both my parents always knew it, long before I realized it myself. My father did not make me gay, nor persecute me for it. He may not have mentioned it, but that's OK, he wasn't the kind of guy to discuss sexual matters of any kind.

    And he was powerful, not the weak or absent father often portrayed for gays. His coldness as a father may have stemmed from losing his own father to a tragic accident in 1919, when he was only 8. He and his brothers & sisters had to struggle to help their widowed mother keep their farm going, and my father had to leave school at 14, never attending high school, something he regretted all his life. Maybe that's why he sent me to the finest prep schools, and my sister to the finest girls schools.

    Well, I don't wanna start cataloguing all the great things he did for me. Suffice to say I never lacked for anything, while he slaved so I could have them. Vices he had few, virtues many, and I wish I could have accomplished half of what he did, despite his having had none of the advantages in life he gave me.

    No, my father didn't "attribute" to my being gay; he attributed to my having a pretty damn good childhood, that had its invariable ups & downs. On balance, I consider myself more than fortunate to have had him as a father, and if it's possible that he was a factor in my being gay (in a genetic sense), then thanks again, Dad! You never gave me a gift I didn't treasure.
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    Mar 04, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    My partner also had a wonderful relationship with his father and his mother too. My Dad died when I was 7 but judging from his relationship with my older brother (straight) I don't think we'd have had a happy one and the lesson is, it was his own unhappiness, not who my brother or I might have been.
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    Mar 04, 2010 3:10 PM GMT
    Every man's relationship with his father plays a big role with his relatiobship with other men, whether they want to admit it or not. Your father was the first male figure in your life and made powerful impression on you...good and bad. Your initial feelings of security, love, protection, support, commeraderie, patience, self esteem etc. were formed with him. A straight man's relationship with his mom affects his relationship with his wife or girlfriend.

    With gay men, its even more important to underatand their relationship with the father becasue we enter into unions with other men that straight men don't.

    I'm not saying it made you gay . But it does influence how you interact with other men. After you understand the feelings about how your dad affected you, you can recognize those feelings when they come into play when making male gay bonds.

    There were things I didn't like about my father and sometimes I "saw" those same negative traits in a partner. There were also good traits about my dad that I "saw" in other men. There were things my dad never gave me, so perhaps I look for those missing traits in other men.

    Recognize that and you can go a long way to understanding your own patterns with other gay men. Mentally forgive your dad and letting go of the hurt, or making an effort to improve your relationship with your dad will ultimately, I think, improve your relationship with other gay men. and untimately yourself.

    Intimidation, guilt and regret always prevented me from standing up to my dad and confronting/questioning him about our relationship. Once I had the courage to tell him things I realized I wasn't a victim anymore and felt empowerment.

    I've taken things as far as I could to fix or understand my relationhip with my dad. It will always be a sad thing (he's an ignorant man who hides behind radical religious conviction). But I've also felt freer to remember the good things he did too and realized that he made mistakes just like any other human. Anger is a great thing to let go of.

    Its a different world now. Some of you may have the opportunity to fix things with your dad now. Give it an honest shot. The rewards can be immeasurable.

    I love to hear stories from other gay men who have good relationships with their dads. Its not uncommon. It allows me to vicariously expereince how it must be and I'm so happy for them.



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    Mar 04, 2010 3:21 PM GMT
    Like most posters, I don't know many guys in general who've had outstanding relationships with dear 'ol dad -much less gay guys. It seems men of different generations seem to always have unrealistic expectations of one another: the son expecting dad to provide everything, be ever-present, and be unconditionally accepting with the father expecting the son to live up to expectations, live according to how he was raised, and to never squander the sweat-equity opportunities the father has worked so hard to provide. What both men fail to realize is they’re both human!

    My own father had an amazing career with the military and provided both my brothers and I with myriad opportunities to explore and develop our interests. He did this while maintaining an active presence in our lives –at games, at awards ceremonies, on a Tuesday night. That said, he is just as frustrated with my mistakes and deviations from his ideology (faith and my sexuality being two MAJOR issues) as I am with his blind adherence to what he views as truth. But then, I am just as pigheaded in my own convictions –so there’s that.

    For better or worse, I’ve inherited many of the character traits of my Dad and his presence in my life has taught me valuable lessons. Learning to love him for the man he is, rather than the father I’d wished I had, is the current and most difficult lesson yet. I have a feeling it’s a two way street.

  • calibro

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    Mar 04, 2010 3:22 PM GMT
    i'm not sure how much of this has to do with being gay... i know a lot of straight people, male and female, who had those same relationships with their dads and moms. being gay can be a reason for estrangement if the parent isn't on board with it, but there are many others too.
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    Mar 04, 2010 3:24 PM GMT
    Joe52 saidMy partner also had a wonderful relationship with his father and his mother too. My Dad died when I was 7 but judging from his relationship with my older brother (straight) I don't think we'd have had a happy one and the lesson is, it was his own unhappiness, not who my brother or I might have been.

    By coincidence, my partner & I visited his older brother yesterday, who just arrived here in South Florida to spend a few months at his vacation home. Also visiting were a few other members of their extended Boston Italian family.

    And I sat & smiled as they swapped family anecdotes, often quoting in the broken Italian English of previous family generations the funny things they said, mixed in with some authentic Italian words. And all agreed the father of my partner and his brother was a pretty difficult guy, who didn't get along with his gay son.

    But this same son (my partner) laughed and told these stories about his father, and they all had a good time reminiscing. BTW, the family all know we're gay partners, and my partner's sister even calls me her brother, while his formerly homophobic older brother, the one we were visiting yesterday, is said to think the world of me.

    I've run into this gay son hostility issue before, regarding one or both of his parents, or other family members. And then I meet the family members in person, and they're nothing like I was forewarned. I doubt it's me, so I've concluded that sometimes we let our emotions get frozen in time, and fail to move forward.

    People change, we change. And yet sometimes we fail to recognize & accept it. Now true, a few people never change, but I think most do, or can, if only we'll look for it, and nurture it, in ourselves and in them. As a result, I've never met a gay man's family that wasn't loving & supportive, and accepting of me as his lover. I think those of us who haven't found that just need to put aside past memories, open our eyes and look again.
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    Mar 04, 2010 3:31 PM GMT
    My relationship with my dad has been great! Even through my coming out, it did make us a lot closer. He's even tried to pick up some guys for me. Awkward. He's going through some hard times, so we're a bit distant at the moment, but I clearly told him that's because I needed the distance, not because of anything he's done. My mother and I, however, don't get along all that great.
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    Mar 04, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    My Pa was great. He took me fishin n' everythin. It was just swell. I had to kill him so I could marry mom. But apart from that, everything was just grrrrrrrrrrrreat!