How Can I Come Out to My Parents?

  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 7:07 AM GMT
    So sorry that I incidentally made it this long.icon_eek.gif
    I've just been here for 2 days but I guess this is quite a common topic.
    I really appreciate it if you would reply to this post.
    Or just share some life experience. Thank you so much~!


    Blue part below are just background. You can skip it.

    I think I'm born gay in every way, physically and psychologically.icon_neutral.gif

    I share my issues with my closest friends in school. I'm totally cool with that and they all seem to take it pretty well, mostly quite astounded about this fact at first. As they said, I don't look gay at all. But I guess it's just because they don't know much about homosexual. I act gayly inside but not outside. Actually I've been actin' quite gay all through my life, just not in a sissy way. I assure you I'm all man, and I never like guys like that. (No offense)icon_confused.gif

    I seem to show some potential in music, dancing, painting and other forms of art. I've had some professional training on badminton and I do well in it, but I never like fierce sports like football and basketball. I even don't know about the rules and regulations about them, which my male schoolmates really go in for. To my disappointment, this seems to distance myself with some purely straight friends a little, including those I have a crash on.icon_confused.gif



    Here comes the problem.

    However, as for parents, it's never that easy. People in here stay quite conservative and so are my parents. Mom is better, but I have a feeling that Dad won't accept it. I don't know whether they've had any discoveries on me from all those things that I'm different in, but recently Dad's been actin' quite strange.icon_question.gif

    Days ago, when I was still home (I'm in school right now, 600 miles away), we were watchin' a show when a famous transvestite appeared. He's recognized all over the nation, Mom and Dad knew that well. Transvestite is not so well accepted over here. I bet if he appeared on the street instead of television there would have even been discrimination. Mom thought he's quite successful coz he had won recognition nationwide, yet Dad kept stressin' on the golden mean of being moderate in all things, which is how we were taught in here.icon_mad.gif

    There's been an old say here "One who sticks his neck out gets hit first", or "Loftiest trees most dread the thunder". But I think it's rather stupid. I never expect a guy to be outstanding and meanwhile all moderate? At least it's not my belief, I like to be unique and I'm tryin' to be so all my life.icon_exclaim.gif

    Dad hinted at this some other times makin' it clear that I should stay moderate in my character. I really don't know whether it is a warning or simply just a suggestion. Does he know what it really means to me?icon_question.gif

    I'm 20 now, marriage stuff still seems kinda far from my age (People in here get married in their late 20s or 30s). But I think soon I'll be tortured by this, how time flies. These days, Mom and Dad kept askin' whether I have a GF in school. Comin' back to school and away from them seemed like a little break but who knows what will be awaitin' me the next holiday? I can't hide from this for ever.icon_eek.gif

    Gosh what I'm gonna do? How can I tell the truth? What if they disown me? I dare not imagine.
    And if I don't come out, a "normal" guy who doesn't get married doesn't seem self-consistent.
    No one here finishes out his life alone. If he did, there's gotta be some problem, at least in folks' minds.
    Unbearable situation. Any advice guys?icon_sad.gif


    Postscript:

    Thank you all for your replies guys~! Really! I learned a lot from all that.
    Still don't know whether I should come out to my parents, but you helped me clearified the mess.
    I'm not tryin' to do this right now, I don't wanna be led by impulse.
    I wanna give it a considerate thought, and work out a plan in the long run.
    And I'm more sure now that if/when I come out, it will be first to my mom.
    There's something I think I have missed. Mom and Dad have been askin' about some GF things.
    Mom even asked me why don't I hang out more with girls.
    I bet they've already suspected me of this.
    I've been thinkin' of magnifyin' the suspicion, so that it wouldn't be that shocking if/when I ever come out.
    Would that be a little bit too bold? I will try little by little if necessary.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2010 8:42 AM GMT
    I'd decide if the potential risks outweighed the benefits (loss of support, etc). It seems that may be an issue for you right now. After there is nothing they can hold over your head, it makes it less stressful, I think. Beyond that, every situation is so different, it seems. I came out in a letter, and my family said they appreciated it that way. I wouldn't recommend that method or discourage it; was best for me and everyone has their own unique family/situation.
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 9:10 AM GMT
    ILmarathonrunner saidI'd decide if the potential risks outweighed the benefits (loss of support, etc). It seems that may be an issue for you right now. After there is nothing they can hold over your head, it makes it less stressful, I think. Beyond that, every situation is so different, it seems. I came out in a letter, and my family said they appreciated it that way. I wouldn't recommend that method or discourage it; was best for me and everyone has their own unique family/situation.


    Hey IL, really appreciate your comment. icon_smile.gif
    One of my gay friends told me that he'd been tryin' hard to give hints to his parents.
    But I don't know whether I should try that anyway. Wouldn't that be risky?
    I think it's never less stressful. The key principle of being a son in here is filial piety.
    I've all my life to be simply myself but the public voice keeps me back.
    You're right everyone has their own unique family/situation. I have to think of more considerate solutions.
    Comin' out in a letter, that can be a good idea.
    Avoidin' direct conflict and givin' the family more time to buffer, maybe against the shocks of disappointment.
    I can try for that. But the key is whether I can even have a try.
    Gosh... Tricky situation. And it's my family. Hardest issue ever.
    But thank you so much IL, sincerely.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2010 10:51 AM GMT
    Mum, Dad, I'm gay.
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 11:15 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidMum, Dad, I'm gay.


    Hey, Tanker... icon_biggrin.gif
    I promise you I won't try this one. icon_eek.gif
    Hah, just kiddin'. Thanks for lettin' me know. lol..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2010 12:38 PM GMT
    if you are in college, did they support you financial? If I were your shoes, I would finish college with their financial support.They might be known but they're in denial. My father might know I was gay for years but he stills loved unconditionally
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2010 12:48 PM GMT
    "I can't hide from this for ever."

    Don't lose sight of this, it's the truth.

    "Actually I've been actin' quite gay all through my life, just not in a sissy way. I assure you I'm all man, and I never like guys like that."

    What is actin' quite gay just not in a sissy way? You got at least some issue with being gay yourself as there's way too much apology in your thinking "oh, sure, I'm gay, but I'm not like THEM.". If you're looking for ways not to hate yourself and you're not really finding them, you can't expect others to find them either.
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Mar 07, 2010 12:53 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidMum, Dad, I'm gay.


    Seriously ......... just get it out and then you may just have to demand they accept you for the man you are.
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 1:22 PM GMT
    Rodmramer saidif you are in college, did they support you financial? If I were your shoes, I would finish college with their financial support.They might be known but they're in denial. My father might know I was gay for years but he stills loved unconditionally


    Thank you Rodmramer~! So glad to hear your voice.
    Yeah, they support me financially. But we're not in that kind of relationship as you thought.
    Acturally, no family here is. People don't go that independent even when they set up their own families.
    So, undoubtably, my parents will help with my finance, till I get a job and live by myself.
    The things to be considered is whether they will treat me like before, and will this lay too much stress on themselves.
    That's what I really care about.
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 1:43 PM GMT
    McGay said"I can't hide from this for ever."

    Don't lose sight of this, it's the truth.

    "Actually I've been actin' quite gay all through my life, just not in a sissy way. I assure you I'm all man, and I never like guys like that."

    What is actin' quite gay just not in a sissy way? You got at least some issue with being gay yourself as there's way too much apology in your thinking "oh, sure, I'm gay, but I'm not like THEM.". If you're looking for ways not to hate yourself and you're not really finding them, you can't expect others to find them either.


    McGay, I guess there could be some misunderstanding. I could have stated inappropriately.
    I haven't ever thought about some "to be sissy or not" issues in my life.
    But by "not in a sissy way", I just wanted to explain why my friends never noticed my difference.
    I thought it was because I acted gayly inside, but not outside.
    I apologize for this if I ever offended anyone. But I never bother to think about what I should be like, I like the way I'm now.
    Thank you McGay anyway. ^^
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 1:52 PM GMT
    myklet1 said
    lilTanker saidMum, Dad, I'm gay.


    Seriously ......... just get it out and then you may just have to demand they accept you for the man you are.


    Dude, I think we're in totally different situations. For me, it's not simple like that.
    To tell you the truth, people around here seldom ended well with their coming out.
    And a lot of families fell into cold war. The most serious could be the parents draggin' a guy to a psychiatric hospital.
    But my parents are not like that, at least not to that extent.
    Still I want to try the best I can. I don't wanna hurt anyone.
    If this wouldn't work out, I might end up hidin' from them for lifelong.
    Sad but truth. And thank you for your reply myklet. :]
  • SCgradStud

    Posts: 88

    Mar 07, 2010 1:56 PM GMT
    This was something I posted in response to another members questions regarding coming out:


    Coming out is something no one is ever really prepared for. And for the most part everyone I know can't believe they didn't do it sooner. In my opinion telling someone how to come out isn't possible. Everyone has different family dynamics that no one else can fully understand and their reaction can be from one extreme (like already having your bags packed for "rehabilitation camp" to the other (joining the PRIDE committee). Sorry for the bad examples :-D

    More than likely your parents already know and if not then they will figure out the best way for them to cope whether it's reading books or asking the family priest what to do about it. When I came out to my mom I tried to prepare them by taping the coming out episode of Ellen (showing my age now..lol). When the moment came and it was now or never I looked at my mom, everything went black, and I heard me ask my mom if she could ever stop loving me. Then I proceeded to tell her that "I think I might be 65% gay." Why 65% I have no clue but I thought it wouldn't be so bad for her if I wasn't totally gay.

    To make a long story short she said that we should keep it to ourselves, then within a week had told hers and my dads siblings. So I volunteered to go on this local television show that came on Sunday mornings called Time Out for Teens. They were doing this particular show on gay teens.

    Oh and my mom also decided to tell my dad on their way to go see the movie In and Out. HAHAHA!! But to give you some idea of the bizarre types of responses to expect here is what my family said:

    Mom: "Don't tell anybody."
    Dad: "Tell people you think you're gay. And maybe date a few more girls."
    Brother: "I don't care, I just don't want to hear about it."
    Sister (2 months pregnant at time): I know it doesn't mean you will love my baby any less." (for the life of me I don't know why the hell she thought being gay would affect my ability to love).

    Oh and don't expect immediate acceptance. It took my mom two years to finally come to me and say that she doesn't completely understand, but that she is trying and no matter what will always accept me. This was a year after she told me she wanted me to go talk to my aunt and uncle (Baptist ministers) so they can talk to me, pray over me, and help me). I told her I didn't think so.

    Hope this helps the process. But any advice you may decide to take isn't going to turn out the way you might expect. Good luck on your new adventure!!! See ya at Pride this summer!
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 2:29 PM GMT
    SCgradStud saidThis was something I posted in response to another members questions regarding coming out:


    Coming out is something no one is ever really prepared for. And for the most part everyone I know can't believe they didn't do it sooner. In my opinion telling someone how to come out isn't possible. Everyone has different family dynamics that no one else can fully understand and their reaction can be from one extreme (like already having your bags packed for "rehabilitation camp" to the other (joining the PRIDE committee). Sorry for the bad examples :-D

    ...

    Hope this helps the process. But any advice you may decide to take isn't going to turn out the way you might expect. Good luck on your new adventure!!! See ya at Pride this summer!


    Wow~! Rarely seen a reply this long!! XD I'm so grateful for this.
    Thank you SCgradStud, for what you've done for the previous receiver and me.
    Learned so much from this, really. And some golden rules, I will keep them in mind.
    And you're such a lucky one~ I see most of your family's smiles. ^^
    Hope I could be fortunate like you are dude~ Thank you!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    MarcSco saidGosh what am I gonna do? How can I tell the truth? What if they disown me? I dare not imagine.
    Unbearable situation. Any advice guys?icon_sad.gif

    Am I correct in assuming you are Chinese, living in China? Answers from Westerners may not apply to your culture, nor to the laws of your society. For those views to apply you may need to immigrate outside China.

    I know that marriage and having children are a family obligation. Do you have brothers & sisters who will take that role? If they do, then there is less pressure on you. But if you are the only son, you have a problem.

    Please tell us more about yourself, and your family situation. You say you are 20. Is that an age when young men get married? Can you delay being forced to make a decision? If you aren't yet expected to be married, then I wouldn't panic yet, but make plans now against that time.

    I would advise you to "play your cards close to your chest" as we say in the US, and resist the desire to inform your parents at this time. Keep your options open. They may well already suspect you are gay, but you gain little by confirming it at this time. I counsel patience on your part, a hard path when you're 20, I know.
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    PAJohn saidMarcsco lives in China so it is hard for people who do not live in his culture to give any kind of worthwhile advice. If you lived in the U.S. I would offer some advice but because I am not familiar with your culture I will only offer you my support and best wishes.

    By the way Marcsco, your English is quite good. I assume it is not your first language but you write in English better than many Americans (and one particular stupid Australian Real Jock) I know.


    Thank you John. Yeah, I live in China, and the whole family is hardcore Chinese.
    I didn't stress on this becuz I wanna hear different opinions about my case.
    There're also a lot of ppl talkin' about this issue in Chinese gay forums.
    Those're much more the same with my situation. That's what all I have heard.
    And I'm learnin' English in class. I'm a college student, a sophomore.
    I never get the chance to put it into practice use and I myself is kinda laid-back, so I'm still workin' hard on it.
    Hope you guys can understand most of what I said. And John, thank you again~
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    Mar 07, 2010 2:49 PM GMT
    My inclination would be to just come out to your parents and get it out of the way. If they accept it, then it will be a big weight of your shoulders. If they don't accept it, then you at least know where you stand with them and that is better, in my opinion, than having a relationship with them where you can't be yourself.

    However, not knowing all the particulars of your situation, I can't say for sure my recommendation is the best course of action for you. Still, I think it is worthwhile considering whether it would be better just to come out and then be able to deal with the outcome, whatever it may be, and move on.

    BTW, I didn't come out to my parents until I was well into my 20s. It was hard at first and they had concerns because I'm an only child and they were worried about no grandkids etc. They accepted it though and now, I wish I has come out to them much earlier.
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    Mar 07, 2010 2:52 PM GMT
    MarcSco saidAnd I'm learnin' English in class. I'm a college student.
    I never get the chance to put it into practice and I myself is kinda laid-back, so I'm still workin' hard on it.
    Hope you guys can understand most of what I said. And John, thank you again~

    LEARNING English??? I think you could teach it to some of the native English speakers here! LOL! Your impressive English is a reason I asked above if you were Chinese, because I saw in your RJ profile that you live in China. Your English is impeccable, and I hope you get all "A"s in your English classes, or however grades are given in China.

    "Understand" what you said? I should be so fortunate to write as clearly as you do. You are quite amazing, and to be commended. icon_biggrin.gif
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 07, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    MarcSco saidGosh what am I gonna do? How can I tell the truth? What if they disown me? I dare not imagine.
    Unbearable situation. Any advice guys?icon_sad.gif

    Am I correct in assuming you are Chinese, living in China? Answers from Westerners may not apply to your culture, nor to the laws of your society. For those views to apply you may need to immigrate outside China.

    I know that marriage and having children are a family obligation. Do you have brothers & sisters who will take that role? If they do, then there is less pressure on you. But if you are the only son, you have a problem.

    Please tell us more about yourself, and your family situation. You say you are 20. Is that an age when young men get married? Can you delay being forced to make a decision? If you aren't yet expected to be married, then I wouldn't panic yet, but make plans now against that time.

    I would advise you "play your cards close to your chest" as we say in the US, and resist the desire to inform your parents at this time. Keep your options open. They may well already suspect you are gay, but you gain little by confirming it at this time. I counsel patience on your part, a hard path when you're 20, I know.


    Yeah I'm Chinese livin' in China. As for this part, I wanna quote my earlier reply:
    "I didn't stress on this becuz I wanna hear different opinions about my case. There're also a lot of ppl talkin' about this issue in Chinese gay forums. Those're much the same with my situation. That's what all I have heard."
    I just wanna hear different ideas and I think it all helpful. Hope you guys don't mind tellin' a Chinese guy all about it.
    Just the first words to come to your mind will be ok, don't think too much.
    I know how I can handle it to make it best, don't worry.

    As for the family obligation thing.. Well, unfortunately, I'm the only child.
    This makes things even more stressful. Gee...
    Marriage and having children seems a must in Asian countries.
    That's what I'm most worried about.

    In regard to the last part, I think we've bit upon the same idea. ^^
    I will write more about myself in the original post as you required.
    I'm not urged to consider marriage stuff, ppl here don't get married this early.
    "Play your cards close to your chest", that's what I'm doin'.
    I think it would be better if I go back to my very true values.
    I will make a very prudent decision, and thank you for all you've done for me.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2010 5:08 PM GMT
    PAJohn saidMarcsco lives in China so it is hard for people who do not live in his culture to give any kind of worthwhile advice. If you lived in the U.S. I would offer some advice but because I am not familiar with your culture I will only offer you my support and best wishes.

    By the way Marcsco, your English is quite good. I assume it is not your first language but you write in English better than many Americans (and one particular stupid Australian Real Jock) I know.


    Quoted as being the same opinion as us two, and Red Vespa. If you were in Canada we'd recommend coming out to them, but at your own pace as you're the only one here that has to deal with the results.

    Welcome to Realjock, by the way!

    -Doug and Bill of meninlove
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 08, 2010 6:20 AM GMT
    sashaman saidMy inclination would be to just come out to your parents and get it out of the way. If they accept it, then it will be a big weight of your shoulders. If they don't accept it, then you at least know where you stand with them and that is better, in my opinion, than having a relationship with them where you can't be yourself.

    However, not knowing all the particulars of your situation, I can't say for sure my recommendation is the best course of action for you. Still, I think it is worthwhile considering whether it would be better just to come out and then be able to deal with the outcome, whatever it may be, and move on.

    BTW, I didn't come out to my parents until I was well into my 20s. It was hard at first and they had concerns because I'm an only child and they were worried about no grandkids etc. They accepted it though and now, I wish I has come out to them much earlier.


    Thanks sashaman, ^^ for givin' the advice and sharin' your experience~
    I feel more sure to come out today, hearin' all the guys' advice in this post yeasterday.
    I'm reconsiderin' the whole thing just now, chattin' with a close straight friend.
    I think I've got something new. I'll put the update in the original post later on.
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 08, 2010 6:51 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    MarcSco saidAnd I'm learnin' English in class. I'm a college student.
    I never get the chance to put it into practice and I myself is kinda laid-back, so I'm still workin' hard on it.
    Hope you guys can understand most of what I said. And John, thank you again~

    LEARNING English??? I think you could teach it to some of the native English speakers here! LOL! Your impressive English is a reason I asked above if you were Chinese, because I saw in your RJ profile that you live in China. Your English is impeccable, and I hope you get all "A"s in your English classes, or however grades are given in China.

    "Understand" what you said? I should be so fortunate to write as clearly as you do. You are quite amazing, and to be commended. icon_biggrin.gif


    Oh Red Vespa you really flattered me.
    I have difficulty readin' posts in this forum. And I do poorly in grammar courses. XD
    Here we're graded by scores, I'm just average among my fellow students.
    But I'm tryin' hard to understand what you're talkin' about.
    Thank you anyway ^^ I'll keep on workin' hard.
  • marcsco

    Posts: 29

    Mar 08, 2010 6:59 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    PAJohn saidMarcsco lives in China so it is hard for people who do not live in his culture to give any kind of worthwhile advice. If you lived in the U.S. I would offer some advice but because I am not familiar with your culture I will only offer you my support and best wishes.

    By the way Marcsco, your English is quite good. I assume it is not your first language but you write in English better than many Americans (and one particular stupid Australian Real Jock) I know.


    Quoted as being the same opinion as us two, and Red Vespa. If you were in Canada we'd recommend coming out to them, but at your own pace as you're the only one here that has to deal with the results.

    Welcome to Realjock, by the way!

    -Doug and Bill of meninlove


    Reply from a couple, how sweet ^^ Glad to receive this one.
    I understand that we're not livin' in the same culture, and thanks for remindin' me of that by the way.
    All your suggestions still counts with me. I give all of them serious consideration.
    And hope everything always goes with you couple~ Thank you so much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2010 7:56 AM GMT
    I don't think a lot of people understand how complex this issue is for you. While coming out can be difficult no matter where you live, the issue is much simpler in a Western country. A part of filial piety is to continue the family's name by having children, as in this case he is an only child. (On the bright side, being an only child, your parents would be less likely to cut off their relationship with you completely as that would leave them "child-less").

    My best advice is that if/when you do feel like coming out, try your mother first. You mentioned that she seemed a little more open-minded, so when she digests the information, she will be able to give you the best advice on what to do next icon_smile.gif

    I hope that helps, and good luck! icon_razz.gif
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Mar 08, 2010 8:09 AM GMT
    Yeah Just come out and say it (no pun intended) I kind of started by telling my mom that this kid as school tried to give me a bj, but I pushed him off because he wasn't my type and she looks at me and asks are you bi? and I said yeah. and she was like okay and went about her business... well so I'm technically only half way out but I'm sure she knows I love boys icon_cool.gif 100% icon_lol.gif
  • metta

    Posts: 39118

    Mar 08, 2010 8:17 AM GMT
    PFLAG

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    Find a local chapter near you:

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    Our Daughters & Sons: Questions & Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual People: http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Daughters_Sons.pdf