Shouldn't things get better now?!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2010 7:21 AM GMT
    I started dating guys about a year ago, and since then I fully admitted to myself that I was a gay man. I have met several guys since last year, however, most weren't the type I was looking for (either I wasn't attracted to them physically or personality-wise) or they were already in relationships, or just wanted to hook up, or one of many common reasons. To fast forward a few months later, I came out to my best friend while on a trip to New York and then most of my friends shortly after, because I felt I could not hide the truth about myself in me any longer, nor did I want to.

    I am grateful enough to know that all of them fully support me in who I am, and the lifestyle I live. It made everything much easier, and for those of you who are still in the closet, I really do recommend that you tell your friends at least when you feel ready, because if they are true friends they will support you no matter what. It really made my life a whole lot easier because now I could tell my friends who I am seeing, what I did for Valentine's Day, comment about guys on the street, and do many things I could never do before. It made dating way easier.

    Then, little over a month ago I finally met a guy that I am crazy about and who is crazy about me, and am finally in my first relationship. It was a lot easier to date because I did not have to be so secretive about it, and by then my friends were already long used to the idea I was gay (as I have been out to them for 3 months) so they all wanted to meet my boyfriend and they all loved him and I was super proud and it seemed all peaches and creme. I felt like everything should be going perfectly...but somehow it isn't.

    I decided to come out to my sister two days ago because I felt like it was time to reach that final step and come out to those closest to me. I did so by telling her that my changed relationship status on facebook is not in regards to me having a girlfriend but a boyfriend instead, and that I am indeed gay (maybe not the best approach, but now it's done). Even though at the end of the conversation my sister told me she fully supported me, it was a great shock for her from which she is still recovering and one of the most difficult conversations I ever had with her. In fact she was under such shock that I feel like my blood pressure has been high for the past two days as well worrying whether it was a right thing to tell her. She told me that she is glad she knows and that it is just going to take her some time to get used to the idea, and that she still loves me the same, and all of that stuff which I was hoping to hear...but to be frank it has scared me to death about telling my parents now, because seeing the impact it had on her (not being able to sleep, crying, overanalyzing every conversation we ever had...etc etc) made me feel somehow miserable...despite the fact that she keeps reassuring me that she still loves and respects me the same and would not be able to live without me etc etc.

    So even though I thought that once I would tell my sister she would say something like, "oh I knew that for 22 years...finally you came out," it definitely did not turn out that way, and I just don't know how to react to all of this. I mean, I should be happy that she supports me no matter what, but I feel such guilt for bringing her such trauma. I know that my parents will be shocked when I do tell them, which now I definitely do not have the courage for, because not only are they my parents, but they are also a lot more old fashioned than my sister is.

    I basically, don't even know what I am asking in this forum topic. I guess for other people's experiences, opinions, and support. I know that coming out is not easy, and until now I was doubting that because it seemed somehow too easy coming out to my friends because all of them said they somehow knew and it was like "finally you did it!" and I suppose that I was somehow expecting a similar reaction from my sister, which would have then made it easier to tell my parents after...but seeing how she reacted finally gave me a taste of reality to this whole thing. I never had a complex or issues about being gay, but now I am starting to feel some a little because I finally see that it's not as easy as it seems. My boyfriend is supporting me in all of this but I feel like it's not enough. So if any of you guys could share some of your experiences with me or give me any tips in regards to all of this, I would be really grateful. Because even though my friends are supportive, they never went through the same thing and that is why I am asking this on here.

    Sorry for the long post, and thank you all who read this entire thing.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9225

    Mar 07, 2010 7:26 AM GMT
    "I basically, don't even know what I am asking in this forum topic."
    When you find out, please get back to us, IN 25 WORDS OR LESS.
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    Mar 07, 2010 7:32 AM GMT
    I know what you mean; I recently outed myself to my parents and while they took it OK, I was really hoping for an 'it's about time, we already knew.' Later, my mom said she thought so for quite some time nowicon_surprised.gif, but was in denial. While I am glad I did it, I still have moments where I do regret telling them. Main thing is that no one can tell you when you are ready to do it. It has to be when you are ready, don't do it because people are calling you a wimp or whatever. Can your sister give you a hand in telling them in some way? Just take your time, plan out all possible scenarios, and hope for the best! Remember, give them time. It may be an initial shock, but letting it sink in over time will help.
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    Mar 07, 2010 7:58 AM GMT
    Hey LAguy87, if I may ask, what would have been the alternative to not telling your sister?

    Is it better she find out now, from you, or by herself or eventually through someone else, only to have to face the hurt that she was not close enough to you to be confided in? You gave her a huge compliment, and in time she'll understand that.

    We're both a bit mystified at the intensity of her reaction; it's not as though you announced you have terminal cancer.

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    Mar 07, 2010 1:08 PM GMT
    "I feel such guilt for bringing her such trauma"

    She's either overreacting or you're overreacting to her reaction. Keep in mind that you're the one who's gay, who's going to go through life gay, not her. If she's really experiencing trauma, remind her of that.
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    Mar 07, 2010 2:09 PM GMT
    It great that you came out to your friends and sisters and had a positive reaction, as a result you were able to date and have a more open relationship, sharing that here will hopefully motivate others.
    It is a shame that your sister didn’t take it so well, but as McGay has pointed out it is her problem not yours’. You didn’t say if she was older or younger, either way she is more than likely worried about how this will affect her, after some time she come to realize it has no real affect on her and she will see you as the brother she has always had.
    Give it some time before talking to the parents.
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    Mar 07, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    Hey LAguy,

    I came out to my parents last year, but I did it different to you because I told my parents first and then everyone else later. Not that its important who you tell first, but i just didn't want my parents finding out via rumours or someone else. With facebook and everything, rumours spread quickly. I wanted to be the one to tell them, so I could explain everything clearly and that I was still the same person and nothing had changed except the sex of the person I was in a realtionship with. I was still me.

    This is the BEST thing I have ever done!! I am lucky to have really cool parents, but it still took me a long time to tell them because I was fricken scared and worried of their reaction, like anyone would be. But the most amazing words came out for my fathers mouth which i will never forget. He said "Thank you for telling us, I know it must be very difficult for you to have had to live so long and hide so much from us. You know, I think this is going to bring us closer together..." and it did!! The talk we had afterwards lasted several hours. They had a lot of questions and I had a lot to tell them. It was truely liberating!!

    I just want to let you know that not all comings out (?) are horror stories, mine is one that has brought my family together and has been only positive.

    You asked for experiences and that is mine. Now to me it seems that you are ready to let the people around you know who you really are and I am sure you would prefer to let your parents know yourself, rather them finding out other ways. Its hard to find the right time and place and to get the words out of your mouth but you will thank yourself afterwards!!

    Good luck
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    Mar 07, 2010 5:14 PM GMT
    LAguy, keep in mind that it took you ~21 years to adjust and get used to the fact that you are gay (ok, probably more like 5-10, but still).

    So far your sister has had 2 days.
    Things will get better.

    True, right now it sounds like she's giving you platitutes ("I stilll, sob, love you, sob"). But at least this is an indication that on a rational level she knows how to react. Now it's just getting the emotional level to follow. Time tends to do that. Just be there for her during her hopefully brief "trauma" period. She might very well have questions such as: "how long have you known?" to "why didn't you tell me sooner?"

    In a few weeks, you'll probably be able to discuss with her strategies for coming out to your parents. (:
    (Seriously, that might be a good exercise for both of you to do together.)