What would you do?

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    Mar 08, 2010 4:30 PM GMT
    my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 6 months, and I feel like weve had an amazing relationship, ups and downs considered. Before we started dating, i was getting over an ex.. and i waited (about a month) to look at him romantically, because of this and he knew the whole time. He had an ex he mentioned, that he met on a study abroad in costa rica, he mentioned him once and said that he had some trouble with it because the guy stopped talking to him after he left. and eventually we dated, fell in love, and blah blah blah 6 months later

    I came to find out the other night, when he left his facebook up on my computer that hes been trying to get in contact with his ex almost the whole time weve been dating. he updates him on important events in his life, hopng to get responses. recently theyve been coming again, and i confronted kyle about it. he said it was true, hes not over his ex.. his ex told him he wants to spend his life with him and he didnt respond negatively.. whereas hes extremely hesitant of the future.

    Anways, now that this has come to light.. somethng i would never have expected from a guy that I love very passionately. I dont know what to do, I had just told him the night before in light of a decision to apply to grad school in chicago that i would wait for him.. only to find this out an hour later.

    Everyone said to leave him, but i couldnt do it when it came down to it. he says hell cut communication.. but its been haunting me constantly.. will it stop? should i leave? can i trust him? were still going out right now, but i honestly dont know if i can still do it... but i love him very much, and i dont want to leave it.

    fuck.
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    Mar 08, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    my gut feeling says to trust him. it's natural to have residual feelings for an ex and your relationship is relatively new still. i think he's trying to rekindle something that was comfortable to him and something that's "known".
    i wouldn't judge him on merit you hold for yourself because you don't know how their relationship was to them but it's a bit difficult if you're going to study abroad and you have doubts that he'll remain true.
    isn't his ex in costa rica? that makes me feel less concerned unless he is in the same state. and he did say he would act on it.....
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    Mar 08, 2010 5:13 PM GMT
    Hey Progress, perhaps have him wear your shoes?

    Like this: Ask him quietly, and warmly, how he would feel discovering that YOUR ex wants to get back together and you've been privately messaging every day? Ask him to imagine it for a few minutes, before telling you how he's feeling.
    THEN ask, after he replies, how he would feel if you told him you would stop talking with your ex. Would he suddenly trust you?

    This is an exercise in awareness, and doesn't work if you do it with any hostility.


    -Doug

    Say the course, I think all is fine so far.
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    Mar 08, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    You poor thing.

    I would advise dumping him and cutting off communication yourself to see how he responds. Then lay down the law about communication with exes.

    But then I'm a manipulative little shit, so listen to what others have to say too!

    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 08, 2010 7:03 PM GMT
    If you were to leave him now, do you wonder if he would have those same feelings towards his ex, but now towards you?

    It seems hard to mourn to past boyfriends at once...I'd pose that question to him. And then leave him icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 08, 2010 7:21 PM GMT
    If at 6 months you are getting stuff like this what about at 50 years? Maybe I’m old fashioned but a committed relationship means that 2 people 110% unless you have kids of course. He’s not over the ex. So he in my opinion cant be as into you as you are to him. Do you feel that you should have all or just some? I’m not one for sharing with someone’s ex . Some people can just be friends with theirs ex’s some can’t. This is just how I feel about this kind of thing.
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    Mar 08, 2010 8:39 PM GMT
    well communication between them is minimal, he does live far away not on the same continent. but its not that he has been communicating so much as he wants to. his ex didnt reply much until recently when my boyfriend sent him a letter.. then they have been exchanging sweet messages every couple weeks.on facebook and talked on the phone a couple times..

    he admitted thinking about this guy a lot, and wanting to talk to him a lot.. and that he would probably rather be with him given an oppourtunity.

    i said i wouldnt leave him that night when i meant to break up with him, and he seems better since then,, but im not doing that well.

    i just dont know. things are usually pretty clear to me, but i love him so... icon_confused.gif
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    Mar 08, 2010 8:41 PM GMT
    perhaps he wasn't truly ready to have another relationship again after his last breakup
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    Mar 08, 2010 8:55 PM GMT
    Gosh many many years ago, before I got my long term relationships. I never dated another until, I was over them. This may of taken a year or so, as when I fall in love it's deep. He had has some unresolved issues he needed to clear up, or make up.....

    But why would you not expect something from another, just because you love them?
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    Mar 08, 2010 8:58 PM GMT
    Progress saidmy boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 6 months, and I feel like weve had an amazing relationship, ups and downs considered. Before we started dating, i was getting over an ex.. and i waited (about a month) to look at him romantically, because of this and he knew the whole time. He had an ex he mentioned, that he met on a study abroad in costa rica, he mentioned him once and said that he had some trouble with it because the guy stopped talking to him after he left. and eventually we dated, fell in love, and blah blah blah 6 months later

    I came to find out the other night, when he left his facebook up on my computer that hes been trying to get in contact with his ex almost the whole time weve been dating. he updates him on important events in his life, hopng to get responses. recently theyve been coming again, and i confronted kyle about it. he said it was true, hes not over his ex.. his ex told him he wants to spend his life with him and he didnt respond negatively.. whereas hes extremely hesitant of the future.

    Anways, now that this has come to light.. somethng i would never have expected from a guy that I love very passionately. I dont know what to do, I had just told him the night before in light of a decision to apply to grad school in chicago that i would wait for him.. only to find this out an hour later.

    Everyone said to leave him, but i couldnt do it when it came down to it. he says hell cut communication.. but its been haunting me constantly.. will it stop? should i leave? can i trust him? were still going out right now, but i honestly dont know if i can still do it... but i love him very much, and i dont want to leave it.

    fuck.


    Face it Dude, he's just not that into you. Cut your losses. Move on. Reality is what reality is.
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    Mar 08, 2010 9:10 PM GMT
    Progress saidhe admitted thinking about this guy a lot, and wanting to talk to him a lot.. and that he would probably rather be with him given an opportunity.
    you need to think about how you want to be loved and if it is enough to be the second person he thinks of when he thinks of his hearts desire.
    my concern would be that he will always be looking for a way back to this guy, 6 months is early in your relationship if you intend on having something long term. he obviously isn't over this other guy and this could be the red flag you kick yourself for not heeding years or months down the road.
    there doesn't have to be "together" or "not", perhaps you should explore the middle ground of taking time off while he's away to give you both the opportunity to reassess what you want individually and from the people you are with.
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    Mar 08, 2010 9:11 PM GMT
    well i dont really care what chuckystud has to say hes always been a prude with too much sand in his vag to me....

    other guys make a good point though, weve talked about it a good amount and im just looking for what to do in the long run. anyone have a similar experience? did you get past it?

    my boyfriend and this other guy never actually 'went out' and never actually 'broke up' which is one of the reasons that he had a hard time getting over it. i know he does love me, its just hard to get past the fact that for the last 6 months he wasnt 100% with me.

    i mean, i still took him on the spring break date yesterday i had planned and it was amazing. 6 flags, dinner, alice in wonderland... we had a great time, but right now its just kind of bittersweet. and i wish i had a way to know these feelings i have wont last, or that i should just cut him off.
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    Mar 08, 2010 9:22 PM GMT
    I have to giggle at folks who set themselves up for more self-inflicted misery. That's called being stupid. If you like being miserable, then, do nothing, and maybe you'll learn to live with it, and maybe not.

    As you mature you'll hopefully learn that just because you wish something to be a certain way, that doesn't mean it will be. No amount of wishing, praying, hopefulness, or other things are really going to change what's inside the other person's head. Clearly, you're second fiddle to the first guy.

    Your refusal to accept the obvious means you enjoy being hurt / miserable. When that happens, you have only yourself to blame.

    This is what's commonly known as an abusive relationship. Much like battered wife syndrome, you refuse to accept that he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him, and...you just keep going back for more. It's a functional mental illness, but, in this case, it's with two guys, and he's not beating you physically, but, really doesn't give a shit about you in the big picture. Your "friend" wants his old guy back, and you're just a hold over. In battered wife, the wife keeps making rationalizations for why she keeps beaten and the perp keeps telling her that her loves here and she makes excuses like if I had only had supper ready and so on. She just keeps going back for more. That's YOU, but, you're not physically getting beaten, but, you are just an object that's secondary to the "friend's" real heartthrob, his ex. You're both nuts, to be honest, with him being a dirt bag, and you being an idiot. You enable your abuse by going back for more. Silly you, huh?

    Sounds like you're wanting to learn this the hard way. O.K., then; you were told. Now, go take your lump.

    You clearly have issues that you refuse to accept the true state of things in this relationship. That's a very unhealthy thing. That's called denial and part of the mental illness at work here. No, they don't beat you, but, you're refusing the obvious, and go back for more.

    Understand, you're not going to change your "friend's" desires. They are what they are. You can only accept that you're second, and live with it, or, move on, depending on what you're willing to live with. It's really that simple.

    The guy you're wanting still wants the first. Ironically, he may be fucked up and in denial, just like you, too. I.e., he may be refusing to accept that his "ex" has dumped him (I don't know). In any event, is this the best you can do?
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    Mar 08, 2010 9:24 PM GMT
    Progress saidmy boyfriend and this other guy never actually 'went out' and never actually 'broke up' which is one of the reasons that he had a hard time getting over it. i know he does love me, its just hard to get past the fact that for the last 6 months he wasnt 100% with me.

    Do I detect rationalisation of someones actions??
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    Mar 08, 2010 9:26 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    Progress saidmy boyfriend and this other guy never actually 'went out' and never actually 'broke up' which is one of the reasons that he had a hard time getting over it. i know he does love me, its just hard to get past the fact that for the last 6 months he wasnt 100% with me.

    Do I detect rationalisation of someones actions??

    I do
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    Mar 09, 2010 1:42 AM GMT
    Progress saidmy boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 6 months, and I feel like weve had an amazing relationship, ups and downs considered. Before we started dating, i was getting over an ex.. and i waited (about a month) to look at him romantically, because of this and he knew the whole time. He had an ex he mentioned, that he met on a study abroad in costa rica, he mentioned him once and said that he had some trouble with it because the guy stopped talking to him after he left. and eventually we dated, fell in love, and blah blah blah 6 months later

    I came to find out the other night, when he left his facebook up on my computer that hes been trying to get in contact with his ex almost the whole time weve been dating. he updates him on important events in his life, hopng to get responses. recently theyve been coming again, and i confronted kyle about it. he said it was true, hes not over his ex.. his ex told him he wants to spend his life with him and he didnt respond negatively.. whereas hes extremely hesitant of the future.

    Anways, now that this has come to light.. somethng i would never have expected from a guy that I love very passionately. I dont know what to do, I had just told him the night before in light of a decision to apply to grad school in chicago that i would wait for him.. only to find this out an hour later.

    Everyone said to leave him, but i couldnt do it when it came down to it. he says hell cut communication.. but its been haunting me constantly.. will it stop? should i leave? can i trust him? were still going out right now, but i honestly dont know if i can still do it... but i love him very much, and i dont want to leave it.

    fuck.


    Oh for crying out loud just leave him, he is only using you! how can you be in love with someone who is obviously not gotten over his past love!? I sure hope you still have some integrity left in you!?

    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 09, 2010 1:45 AM GMT
    don't cut someone off just because the situation isn't peachy right now. you said it yourself when you said you have had ups and downs. regarded this is more than a bump in the road but if you're thinking long term, they'll be more obstacles that you might have down the way.
    but the optimist in me says if leave now you'll be hurt, if you leave later you'll still be hurt but what if you're not?

    have you asked him if he wants to move on?

    you can't transfer all your feelings from one person to another.

    i was sort of in the similar position as your bf. i think about my ex quite a lot (didn't see anyone for almost two years, slept on one side of the bed for 11 months) and wanted to have him in my life but he doesn't reciprocate the feelings and i couldn't be just his friend, which is why i don't try to contact him anymore.
    but i'm seeing someone who is amazing and my feelings don't change for my ex and don't impact my feelings for my the current guy. i feel more fortunate that i've been with two guys i hold in high regard rather than feeling torn between something that has already happened and something that could.
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    Mar 09, 2010 1:46 AM GMT
    Runnn- as fast as you can. I have a HUGE problem with infidelity. You just so happen to find his Facebook opened- he wouldve never volunteered this to you. This is a clue, dont disregard.

    Grr. Im so DONE with cheaters. Guys-what's with all the creeping around??
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    Mar 09, 2010 1:49 AM GMT
    Progress saidmy boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 6 months, and I feel like weve had an amazing relationship, ups and downs considered. Before we started dating, i was getting over an ex.. and i waited (about a month) to look at him romantically, because of this and he knew the whole time. He had an ex he mentioned, that he met on a study abroad in costa rica, he mentioned him once and said that he had some trouble with it because the guy stopped talking to him after he left. and eventually we dated, fell in love, and blah blah blah 6 months later

    I came to find out the other night, when he left his facebook up on my computer that hes been trying to get in contact with his ex almost the whole time weve been dating. he updates him on important events in his life, hopng to get responses. recently theyve been coming again, and i confronted kyle about it. he said it was true, hes not over his ex.. his ex told him he wants to spend his life with him and he didnt respond negatively.. whereas hes extremely hesitant of the future.

    Anways, now that this has come to light.. somethng i would never have expected from a guy that I love very passionately. I dont know what to do, I had just told him the night before in light of a decision to apply to grad school in chicago that i would wait for him.. only to find this out an hour later.

    Everyone said to leave him, but i couldnt do it when it came down to it. he says hell cut communication.. but its been haunting me constantly.. will it stop? should i leave? can i trust him? were still going out right now, but i honestly dont know if i can still do it... but i love him very much, and i dont want to leave it.

    fuck.



    I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but it sounds like you're his second choice. It's up to you if you can settle for being somebody's #2. Personally, if I was in your position, I would look for someone who makes me their #1... that's just me though.
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    Mar 09, 2010 1:58 AM GMT
    WOW. Tough break buddy.

    That's more then a hint in a half if you ask me. He openly said he isn't over his ex bf. That's something no one wants to hear. With that being said he's even made attempts at keeping in contact with him. How long do you have to wait til he finally does the deed and just cheats on you? The seed is planted and it will only grow ugly unless you weed it out and cut your loses. That seed is doubt and if you continue to ignore it will surely destroy you and leave you with nothing to salvage.

    Take what you can from this relationship. It was good while it lasted but there is no sense in wasting your time and energy in a relationship with someone who isn't going to give you their all. It's pointless and it's a form of self destruction on your part for wanting something that can't be had. A false hope and dream that you know won't come true is among the worst types of cruelty one can subject themselves to.

    Never make someone in your life a priority when they are only gonna make you feel secondary in theirs. If you were blind before now is the time to see the light and follow a new path because the one you're on with this bf of yours seems to have come to a cliff with no bridge. Turn back and start anew before you walk off the deep edge with no safety line.
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    Mar 09, 2010 2:04 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidWOW. Tough break buddy.

    That's more then a hint in a half if you ask me. He openly said he isn't over his ex bf. That's something no one wants to hear. With that being said he's even made attempts at keeping in contact with him. How long do you have to wait til he finally does the deed and just cheats on you? The seed is planted and it will only grow ugly unless you weed it out and cut your loses. That seed is doubt and if you continue to ignore it will surely destroy you and leave you with nothing to salvage.

    Take what you can from this relationship. It was good while it lasted but there is no sense in wasting your time and energy in a relationship with someone who isn't going to give you their all. It's pointless and it's a form of self destruction on your point for wanting something that can't be had. A false hope and dream that you know won't come true is among the worst types of cruelty one can subject themselves to.

    Never make someone in your life a priority when they are only gonna make you feel secondary in there's. If you were blind before now is the time to see the light and follow a new path because the one you're on with this bf of yours seems to have come a cliff with no bridge. Turn back and start anew before walk off the deep edge with no safety line.



    Yeah. what he said. lol
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    Mar 09, 2010 2:14 AM GMT
    i dont get why ppl claim to be "in love" or whateva u call it

    the concept is just stoo-ped 2 me....if someone aint into u take a hint and cut ur losses early......ur just gonna get all fucked up and hes gonna be just fine......noffin worse than being a clingy crybaby.

    dudes been lying to yo faze and ass.....i say u tell him to fuk off.....

    but of course u wont cuz ur "in love"......cyrruslee......ppl in love are too stupid for their own good
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    Mar 09, 2010 2:17 PM GMT
    its hard for me to convey this to you guys in a forum post, i probably should have thought more....

    but its really not how you guys are perceiving it. i'll just do this my way icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 09, 2010 2:32 PM GMT
    I'm sorry. It's hard to get over someone, especially when you're young. You're still both 19/20? Especially the first breakups can be hard.

    Sounds like you laid down the law with him talking to this guy which is good.

    I don't think you should ump him right now. Wait a little bit for the most intense feelings to pass, so you don't look back and possibly think, "I wish I hadn't made that decision when I was upset." Then do what you feel is best for you.