Waste of time?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2010 2:46 AM GMT
    I have somewhat of a slight issue with a friend of mine. We became friends just after he was out of a 15 year relationship. I completely understand there's much stress and anxiety that comes with a break up after 15 years. He's introduced me to his friends and family, invited me to spend time with him at both homes, and we talk often. I've known him over a year now and I've confessed to him more times than once that I have something for him. I must say there is a difference in our ages. When the subject of dating/relationship arises he gives reason of "healing from his past relationship", and is very reluctant. Its been a year. I do know we rehabilitate all at our own pace, but I'm beginning to believe that he may just want the convenience of a relationship and not a full-fledged commitment. Lately, he has expressed that he has feelings for me. I'm befuddled at this point-I don't know if he's giving me the red-, yellow-, or green light?? Once he countered my proposal with 'let's continue to be friends and see where it goes'. Don't you know if you like someone or not? Am I confused because he's confused? My brain is on overload from this all. Anyone with a similar dealing? Should I just back off?


    At wits' end
    Soust7
  • B71115

    Posts: 482

    Mar 09, 2010 3:19 AM GMT
    You should back off. Maybe he isn't attracted to you the way you would like him to be and just wants to be nice. Maybe he really does need time. Either way, he basically said back off, so back off if you don't want to push him away.
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    Mar 09, 2010 3:22 AM GMT
    At one point I mentioned that I would limit our friendship (communication,visits), he said he would be disappointed. WTF?
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 09, 2010 4:35 AM GMT
    If you still feel strongly about him, and you feel it's time to move the friendship to the next level, then perhaps you should just make a move. Perhaps the talk is just talk to him. Get in the driver's seat.

    But, if you do this, know that your friendship may never be the same. On the plus side, that can mean you two are now a couple. On the other, it could sabotage a good thing you both share already.
  • lozano86

    Posts: 293

    Mar 09, 2010 5:03 AM GMT
    soust7 saidI have somewhat of a slight issue with a friend of mine. We became friends just after he was out of a 15 year relationship. I completely understand there's much stress and anxiety that comes with a break up after 15 years. He's introduced me to his friends and family, invited me to spend time with him at both homes, and we talk often. I've known him over a year now and I've confessed to him more times than once that I have something for him. I must say there is a difference in our ages. When the subject of dating/relationship arises he gives reason of "healing from his past relationship", and is very reluctant. Its been a year. I do know we rehabilitate all at our own pace, but I'm beginning to believe that he may just want the convenience of a relationship and not a full-fledged commitment. Lately, he has expressed that he has feelings for me. I'm befuddled at this point-I don't know if he's giving me the red-, yellow-, or green light?? Once he countered my proposal with 'let's continue to be friends and see where it goes'. Don't you know if you like someone or not? Am I confused because he's confused? My brain is on overload from this all. Anyone with a similar dealing? Should I just back off?


    At wits' end
    Soust7


    You should say this to him

    Just be straight up. Cuz if not he's wasting your time
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2010 5:07 AM GMT
    geez man, after 15 yours you've only given him one year to heal??? talk about demanding what you want.

    I was in a 7 year relationship, it's been what??? almost 2 years now, I sitll don't want to date anyone AT ALL, Hell, I am so reluctant to date that if the topic is brought up by any guy they are shot down immediately, I don't even give them an opportunity to contemplate it with me.

    if it's so difficult for you to let him heal at his own pace and you are so gun ho about having a relationship with him even though he doesn't want one, then stop being his mate because at the end of the day you are trying to push him into something he doesn't want and that's a relationship.

    Think of it this way. He doesn't feel ready to be able to commit himself to another relationship which requires not just a physical commitment but also an emotional one and if he does, he's not going to be the "partner you want" he needs time to be for himself, living his life, having his time and answering to only himself
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    Mar 09, 2010 5:10 AM GMT
    My initial thought after reading your post is that this guy has not interest in becoming your partner. Be honest with yourself, you think so as well and perhaps you're just hanging onto that glimmer of hope?

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    Mar 09, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    You already know the answer to this one so don't beat yourself up.

    As soon as he gave you the "let's just continue to be friends and see where it goes" bit that right there was your answer. Basically he isn't ready and he isn't committed to being in a serious relationship....at least not with you anyway.

    Be a friend. That's all you can be at this point. Just be a friend and continue the good hunt for someone more suited for you. No sense in dropping obvious hints and intentions and wasting energy and time on someone who clearly isn't gonna meet you half way. That's just silly and it makes you look foolish in the worst way.

    Don't second guess yourself. Don't fight what your instincts are naturally telling you. Cut the line on this rod and let that fish go.
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    Mar 09, 2010 5:16 AM GMT
    Well I can tell you from protracted, painful experience that you should run like hell. Of course, when I was in that situation I wouldn't listen to anyone either. But really, he just isn't into you if it has been a year and he uses that as an excuse. He's trying to be 'nice', which isn't helping either of you. You need to move on, and manage the situation yourself.

    I wasted a year trying to do much the same thing as you're describing. It was clearly not worth it, and in hindsight I now kick myself for having been so beholden to that guy. I now honestly can't imagine why I found him attractive (well, I do - he was very sweet, and had opened up to me emotionally in some ways). Ah well, you live and you learn.

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    Mar 09, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    Wow.. what a story. Love IT.

    Im a romantic at heart. Normally, id say be aggressive, if he is not ready, you dont want to push him away.

    But this sounds special. I cant put words in your mouth,but tell him how you feel. Tell him that your friendship comes first, but youd like to believe your frienship could withstand moving forward and trying more. Then put the ownership of the next move on him. Be patient. If it beings to hurt too much, back off, but you could be in the middle of something very special.

    I heard an expression once that might apply here, and maybe its corny. But it is "stick around long enough for the miracle to happen"

    Ur living my dream... maybe you'll fall in love with your best friends. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 09, 2010 5:25 AM GMT
    Admittedly this is the other perspective. But you have to realize that we're not talking about the OP's friend's need for time, we're talking about the OP's desire for a relationship and the feelings of rejection and confusion that the whole situation engenders. And whether it's purposeful or not, the guy in question is pretty much jerking him around, because he's not giving a straight 'yes' or 'no'. It isn't to say he's a bad guy so much as a confused and/or heartbroken guy, but that doesn't make it any more a good idea to just hang around, and provides little difference from a practical outcomes perspective. Plus, it's incredibly unreasonable to ask the OP to stick around for another year on the off chance this dude decides he can get over his issues. All this notwithstanding the fact that I've heard "maybe in the future" before, and it's almost invariably "no" by another name.

    Of course the disclaimer is that this is based off my own experiences, and your mileage may vary.

    Time is the fire in which we burn. Don't waste it, and go find someone who appreciates you, OP.

    lilTanker saidgeez man, after 15 yours you've only given him one year to heal??? talk about demanding what you want.

    I was in a 7 year relationship, it's been what??? almost 2 years now, I sitll don't want to date anyone AT ALL, Hell, I am so reluctant to date that if the topic is brought up by any guy they are shot down immediately, I don't even give them an opportunity to contemplate it with me.

    if it's so difficult for you to let him heal at his own pace and you are so gun ho about having a relationship with him even though he doesn't want one, then stop being his mate because at the end of the day you are trying to push him into something he doesn't want and that's a relationship.

    Think of it this way. He doesn't feel ready to be able to commit himself to another relationship which requires not just a physical commitment but also an emotional one and if he does, he's not going to be the "partner you want" he needs time to be for himself, living his life, having his time and answering to only himself
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2010 5:47 AM GMT
    Watch the movie "(500) Days of Summer"...This is exactly the situation you're in...