A gay rites of passage

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    Mar 09, 2010 5:41 AM GMT
    I picked up the book "Boyfriend 101" just for kicks from Amazon and browsing through it I came upon a topic that I never really heard of before "gay rites of passage, or the slut stage" where men of any age, but mainly in their 20's, 30's come upon a time in their life where they sleep around with whomever they please until that gets out of their system. Until this stage happens, gay men often act like teenagers when it comes to relationships, and that I can attribute to myself :/ oops.
    I never had a stage like that as I've been in relationships for as long as I remember, but often feel that I needed to do this. Does anyone find validity to this?

    I also googled around and found more articles on "a gay elephant in Poland" than anything related. icon_eek.gif




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    Boyfriend 101, by Jim Sullivan ~15$ off Amazon/Barnes etc.
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    Mar 09, 2010 5:45 AM GMT
    You don't need to google it. Go to a bath house or a bar sometime.
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    Mar 09, 2010 6:05 AM GMT
    I'm kind of glad I was so closeted during what would have been my 'slut' phase that it consisted of me sleeping with a handful of girls. That was so nasty that it kept me from being a male whore with even females. By the time I came out, I was 'past' it, I guess. I will never pass judgment on those who do, though.
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    Mar 09, 2010 12:09 PM GMT
    Well I have to say I did this in my early 20s, in the early to mid 80s, and survived to talk about it now. Then I went on a hiatus, and have only dated two guys since, and the first one is still going, and the second one come to an end dew the death. It's now about 12 years since I last had sex, and my 20 year relationship is still going strong, I albeit call him my companion, now. i don't feel I'm missing out on anything, as I had such a fucking good time in my 20s. I now have more time for other things too.

    My dick rules me no-more.
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    Mar 09, 2010 12:25 PM GMT
    Andre_SD said "gay rites of passage, or the slut stage" where men of any age, but mainly in their 20's, 30's come upon a time in their life where they sleep around with whomever they please until that gets out of their system. Until this stage happens, gay men often act like teenagers when it comes to relationships.
    -------
    Boyfriend 101, by Jim Sullivan ~15$ off Amazon/Barnes etc.


    I'm going to say that Sullivan is an idiot. Slutting around is no more a "rite of passage" than it is a reality for some. Masquerading this around as a necessity for any gay man as a prerequisite for developing meaningful relationships (i.e. non-teenager relationships, BTW what does he mean by that?) is in essence promoting promiscuity and, perhaps, unsafe sex practices.

    The reason why you haven't heard much about this "rite of passage" is because it isn't one at all. You don't first have to be a slut to be a good boyfriend.
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    Mar 09, 2010 12:26 PM GMT
    Andre_SD saidI picked up the book Boyfriend 101, by Jim Sullivan ~15$ off Amazon/Barnes etc.


    Hi Andre, this is "the book" about the phases of gay male relationships. The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop by David P. McWhirter PhD and and Andrew M. MattisonPhD. You will find it on Amazon for less than one dollar because it is out of print/ Read what others have said about the book and you will see why I mention it as being better than 101. McWhirter and Mattison did the research that Sullivan's book waters down to dribble. McWhirter and Mattison are from SD BTWicon_wink.gif

    HungGarSig said
    I'm going to say that Sullivan is an idiot.

    Hung, I agree with you on that
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    Mar 09, 2010 12:50 PM GMT
    Oh Hai Andre, I haven't seen you in awhile icon_smile.gif

    I liked the book. I know lots of people who went through the slut-phase. I think it's normal. And I think it's normal for gay men to act like teenagers when they first come out, because they were repressed when they were often teenagers, so it's like a valve is released and all the feelings have to work their way out of their system. It's called a second adolescence
  • GQjock

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    Mar 09, 2010 1:00 PM GMT
    There are a few things going on here
    First of all - I don't like the generalization because it perpetuates the myth that gay men are only interested in F**king around

    Young men in their 20's gay or str8 when you look real close are basically interested in sex ... it's a human thing rather than a gay thing
    That being said men who just come out are more likely to try "out" many partners because this is a new thing and there is a kid in a candy store situation

    But to single out gay men and call it a "slut stage" makes it intrinisically a gay problem which it's not
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    Mar 09, 2010 1:44 PM GMT
    I'm undecided about this... I mean yes, everyone should have an adolescence of some kind, but I've seen people who are way past this "if-it-moves-fondle-it" stage who still act like immature babies in a relationship.
  • Timbales

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    Mar 09, 2010 1:45 PM GMT
    I didn't have that phase, but I did bleach my hair white blond once.
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    Mar 09, 2010 1:49 PM GMT
    PAJohn saidI'm 48 and have been in a monogamous relationship for 16 years BUT the only reason I have been able to be monogamous for this time is because I was a total slut in my teens and twenties. I firmly believe that you need to be a slut in your twenties if you want to be able to be happy in a permanent relationship later on.

    If you're in your twenties this is not the time of your life to be looking for a monogamous relationship. You should enjoy having lots of sex with lots of different people at this stage in your life. And this is not just for gay men but for straight men too. I want to scream everytime I see a straight guy under 30 getting married because I know he's not ready to be married no matter how much he thinks he is.



    Why do you have to be a slut? I get that orgasms are very pleasant and yes there are multiple ways to bring about one but I don't understand how experincing multiple ones from diffrent people can entice someone to be in a comitted relationship. In fact, I would suspect that it would do the opposite, it might start a quest for the person who can give you the perfect orgasm.

    I think what is healthy is dating multiple people (not at once) this way they can get an understanding of what qualities they like in a person. I'm not saying be an absolute prude but you don't have to sleep with every guy that winks at you.
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    Mar 09, 2010 1:50 PM GMT
    ddrfeat said
    PAJohn saidI'm 48 and have been in a monogamous relationship for 16 years BUT the only reason I have been able to be monogamous for this time is because I was a total slut in my teens and twenties. I firmly believe that you need to be a slut in your twenties if you want to be able to be happy in a permanent relationship later on.

    If you're in your twenties this is not the time of your life to be looking for a monogamous relationship. You should enjoy having lots of sex with lots of different people at this stage in your life. And this is not just for gay men but for straight men too. I want to scream everytime I see a straight guy under 30 getting married because I know he's not ready to be married no matter how much he thinks he is.



    Why do you have to be a slut? I get that orgasms are very pleasant and yes there are multiple ways to bring about one but I don't understand how experincing multiple ones from diffrent people can entice someone to be in a comitted relationship. In fact, I would suspect that it would do the opposite, it might start a quest for the person who can give you the perfect orgasm.

    I think what is healthy is dating multiple people (not at once) this way they can get an understanding of what qualities they like in a person. I'm not saying be an absolute prude but you don't have to sleep with every guy that winks at you.


    I think what he's getting at is that people who are in their 20s should be experimenting sexually to understand what they like, what they dont like, and what they want vs. what they need in a relationship, so that when they are older, they will have stability in their lives, especially if they have children with their significant other. In that case, stability is key.
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    Mar 09, 2010 2:12 PM GMT
    TheIStrat said
    ddrfeat said
    PAJohn saidI'm 48 and have been in a monogamous relationship for 16 years BUT the only reason I have been able to be monogamous for this time is because I was a total slut in my teens and twenties. I firmly believe that you need to be a slut in your twenties if you want to be able to be happy in a permanent relationship later on.

    If you're in your twenties this is not the time of your life to be looking for a monogamous relationship. You should enjoy having lots of sex with lots of different people at this stage in your life. And this is not just for gay men but for straight men too. I want to scream everytime I see a straight guy under 30 getting married because I know he's not ready to be married no matter how much he thinks he is.



    Why do you have to be a slut? I get that orgasms are very pleasant and yes there are multiple ways to bring about one but I don't understand how experincing multiple ones from diffrent people can entice someone to be in a comitted relationship. In fact, I would suspect that it would do the opposite, it might start a quest for the person who can give you the perfect orgasm.

    I think what is healthy is dating multiple people (not at once) this way they can get an understanding of what qualities they like in a person. I'm not saying be an absolute prude but you don't have to sleep with every guy that winks at you.


    I think what he's getting at is that people who are in their 20s should be experimenting sexually to understand what they like, what they dont like, and what they want vs. what they need in a relationship, so that when they are older, they will have stability in their lives, especially if they have children with their significant other. In that case, stability is key.


    I'm going to agree with you because that's the sense that I got from his post too. It should be a time where you're figuring out those kinds of things in order to become a better partner (and find one who is compatible with you). The focus of the "stage" should be rewritten to be something along those lines rather than left as the "slut stage" without further clarification.

    By focusing on what Thel wrote, stability can be reached. Focusing on being a slut does not a strong foundation make.
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    Mar 09, 2010 2:18 PM GMT
    Thel

    I think what he's getting at is that people who are in their 20s should be experimenting sexually to understand what they like, what they dont like, and what they want vs. what they need in a relationship, so that when they are older, they will have stability in their lives, especially if they have children with their significant other. In that case, stability is key.[/quote]



    DDR
    I think it would be hard to say to a fuck buddy "Hey I want try something new in the bedroom.... hope you are comfortable with it". I agree with you that stability is the key to an on going relationship but also communication (especially about sex) is as well. I'm sure there are a lot of older guys who find new ways of keeping things interesting in the bedroom and keeping their partner satisfied.

    To me porn shouldn't be as taboo as it is in the United States. Porn helps people experiment through visual means and helps find new and diffrent likes and also can be used as a tool for better communication in the bedroom. If my boyfriend was like, "Hey I just saw a vid of a guy being tied up and fucked and I want to try that with you" I would consider it because I've never experinced it before and who knows I might like it but it could also be because I have an open mind and I want to please him.

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    Mar 09, 2010 2:45 PM GMT
    I'm not a fan of the slut phase or whatever being a rite of passage. Many don't go through it and it doesn't make them any less than their peers. For me rites of passage are:

    1 realizing your orientation and coming to internal acceptance of it.

    2 coming out.

    Both happen at different speeds and times in a person's life, and I believe, should be respected in that way.

    -Doug
  • Starboard

    Posts: 242

    Mar 09, 2010 3:03 PM GMT
    The inability [in some states] to be in a legally recognized committed relationship, the need to be secretive and the raging hormones of a healthy male all mix into a perfect storm for promiscuous behavior.

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Mar 09, 2010 3:31 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidI didn't have that phase, but I did bleach my hair white blond once.


    Gurl, I'm sure you went blond AND beyond, don't deny!
  • calibro

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    Mar 09, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    Grr... I really dislike the term slut. It's a societal construct that having many sexual partners is a bad thing. If you want to sleep with as many people as you can regardless of your age you have that right and the right not to be judged for it.
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    Mar 09, 2010 11:48 PM GMT
    calibro saidGrr... I really dislike the term slut. It's a societal construct that having many sexual partners is a bad thing. If you want to sleep with as many people as you can regardless of your age you have that right and the right not to be judged for it.


    What really gets me about the word, is it's a word created for women by men, yet it's a word that really belongs to men, as they are such sluts; but not all. I had a fucking good time in my 20s.
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    Mar 09, 2010 11:49 PM GMT
    It's all Marie Osmaonds fault.
  • DarkSensation

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    Mar 10, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    lol, I'm currently on my Slut Phase icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 10, 2010 4:32 AM GMT
    Can I not agree with this....maybe this was the way for older gays,but I mean I grew up in Montreal where sexual orientation isnt a problem at all,and I dont feel like I need to have a "slut phase"
    I think our generation has a more normal teenage life now...well maybe where Im from....
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    Mar 10, 2010 4:37 AM GMT
    PAJohn saidI'm 48 and have been in a monogamous relationship for 16 years BUT the only reason I have been able to be monogamous for this time is because I was a total slut in my teens and twenties. I firmly believe that you need to be a slut in your twenties if you want to be able to be happy in a permanent relationship later on.

    If you're in your twenties this is not the time of your life to be looking for a monogamous relationship. You should enjoy having lots of sex with lots of different people at this stage in your life. And this is not just for gay men but for straight men too. I want to scream everytime I see a straight guy under 30 getting married because I know he's not ready to be married no matter how much he thinks he is.


    Quoted for truth.
    And when one hears the phrase 'a slut phase' - that doesn't mean you have to go out and sleep with a hundred guys in 3 months. It might be a month or two where you might get naked with ...a dozen guys. It's proportional to your personality and life I suppose. If it happens, not worth fretting; if it doesn't, also not worth fretting.
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    Mar 10, 2010 7:47 AM GMT
    wow okay, the first day there was only 1 reply but a day later, there's actually lot of good comments from good people and yes thank you for the book suggestion by McWhirter and Mattison, I will check into it.

    What I took from this "stage" whatever you may call it, for me, it's a phase where you have to become comfortable with your body, and perhaps your abilities; it's the time of a man's life where he matures and becomes "confident in himself". I've never really been comfortable with my body, maybe that's why I'm constantly working out or why I checked myself in the "realjock" website initially to figure out better ways to sculpt the body.

    I'm still unsure really if it exists, but I think I may use this as a cover to get more comfortable with my body, hopefully it won't blow up in my face lol icon_redface.gif

    thanks kind gents of RJ, you are my extended family icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 10, 2010 8:14 AM GMT
    I think I'm in my slut phase now, but I don't act like a slut at all! Regardless, I'm gonna feel like a virgin until this phase plays out...

    I don't agree with the term, in fact, but the phase (whatever you want to call it) is important for guys who were repressed in adolescence and later into their 20s. For guys who were sluts in their teens and 20s and still continue on, that's not a phase, honey... that's just you!

    For those who are affected by being closeted or shamed (or just not knowing who they are) during the normal stage of sexual/emotional development, when you shut down at a young age and don't learn how to relate intimately to other people, there is a steep learning curve once you come out and are confronted with a world of sex. In those respects, I think grown men can really be at the development level of a pre-teen, but it's not necessarily related to one's ability to love and rationalize in a mature relationship in other ways. I don't think it's fair to judge, of course, as long as the behaviour isn't endangering anyone.