Almost on TOP

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 09, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    I’m 10 months into my first relationship. I am still madly in love and attracted to this guy, but boy, have a learned a lot along the way. We had a chat recently that may ultimately take us down different paths. I hope not, but it’s best to be honest.

    At the onset of the relationship, he made it clear that anal sex was something he needed in a relationship. I was 28 but a complete rookie at everything pretty much and was curious and we explored all kinds of things. The reality is however, that I am not so thrilled with anal sex. I have zero interest in being a top. Even for the hottest guy, ‘topping’ him doesn’t cross my mind. Does that make me a freak among gay men? That I am not so thrilled about bottoming either seems to compound this issue for me. I want to do it for him, but it is not the same as when both parties are passionate I suspect. I have strong fetishes too, a dominant guy in leather saying the right things, woof, just does it for me. He can appreciate gear, but he doesn’t get it the way I do. Why do we have fetishes anyway? I wish a hot guy just got me going, but it isn’t that simple it seems.

    I don’t seem to be able to just have standard ‘getting each other off’ without some pretext spoken or running through my mind. I often wonder if it is just me, or a function of being closeted for so long and not a ‘normal’ development. I don’t know. Should I be looking for a therapist or is this not so uncommon? Mulling things over and hoping for some feedback.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 09, 2010 11:49 PM GMT
    Absolutely not... no therapist based on what you said here. My suggestion is that you continue to explore the possibilities. When my bf and I got involved, I hadn't even accepted I was gay. Even though I attacked him, nothing involving "anal" came about for some time. I had some things to work through. When it did happen, it was awesome.

    Don't create issues for yourself, just explore.... he knows youv'e been closeted and need some time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2010 12:08 AM GMT
    original714 saidI’m 10 months into my first relationship. I am still madly in love and attracted to this guy, but boy, have a learned a lot along the way. We had a chat recently that may ultimately take us down different paths. I hope not, but it’s best to be honest.

    At the onset of the relationship, he made it clear that anal sex was something he needed in a relationship. I was 28 but a complete rookie at everything pretty much and was curious and we explored all kinds of things. The reality is however, that I am not so thrilled with anal sex. I have zero interest in being a top. Even for the hottest guy, ‘topping’ him doesn’t cross my mind. Does that make me a freak among gay men? That I am not so thrilled about bottoming either seems to compound this issue for me. I want to do it for him, but it is not the same as when both parties are passionate I suspect. I have strong fetishes too, a dominant guy in leather saying the right things, woof, just does it for me. He can appreciate gear, but he doesn’t get it the way I do. Why do we have fetishes anyway? I wish a hot guy just got me going, but it isn’t that simple it seems.

    I don’t seem to be able to just have standard ‘getting each other off’ without some pretext spoken or running through my mind. I often wonder if it is just me, or a function of being closeted for so long and not a ‘normal’ development. I don’t know. Should I be looking for a therapist or is this not so uncommon? Mulling things over and hoping for some feedback.


    Hahaha you're not alone. Hello... haha.

    As for advice, there's a lot of guys out there who aren't into anal every time you sit down and go to each others places...in fact I know a lot of even my hottest friends just enjoy things that aren't even considered that kinky. My advice is find someone who is equally versatile or interested in sex as you, and at least he told you up front that he needs it.

    But you're not alone in all of these thoughts...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2010 12:26 AM GMT
    oh my sweet, adorable, very sexy man..

    You need to explore your sexual desires, if a guy in leather does it for you and makes you go weak at the knees go and explore, find what it is that makes your body ache for another man (in what ever fashion) and go with it.

    If your other half doesn't "get it" that's not such a big thing, but he should be willing to "give it" so to speak, to help you explore, to experience and most of all to derive enjoyment from the process of helping his guy find his "buttons"

    While you may not explore your sexuality every time you have sex, letting your self find that really works can seriously open your self up to the enjoyment of the physical act in all situations, be it vanilla or heavy S&M or what ever else takes your fancy.

    And I say that in all seriousness too, ignoring a strong desire in your self can make sooooo many other things seem very sub par, but once you've allowed it out to play those others things suddenly can have a new meaning and feel totally different
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    I agree with most here that you need to explore sexuality and hopefully your boyfriend will be open to doing so. Anal is not for everyone. For myself, I find giving head to be okay, but I could live without it. Now, to some gay guys that would be heresy, but that's my barometer. You need to find what you enjoy and go for it.

    The other thing I would say is that sexual taste's chagne over the course of one's lifetime. I was totally grossed out by "dirty talk" when I was younger, but now I love it. So, you may find that while dominance is what gets you going now, that in 5 years it's not so important.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2010 2:22 PM GMT
    Your boyfriend isn't someone you live with or just someone who can be yelled at for forgetting your birthday. A boyfriend is someone you should be able to explore fantasies with. That is what keeps a sexual relationship vital.

    Talk to him about what it is he wants, what it is you want, and how the two of you can do it together. It actually sounds like your two interests can be mutually satisfying. A dominant man telling you to "stick your fagot ass up in the air so I can fuck it, pussy boy" sounds like a good way to open you up to bottoming.
  • gumbi69

    Posts: 20

    Mar 10, 2010 2:39 PM GMT
    OMG! r u writing about me and kevin, 18 yrs together and this has been our constant dissagreement. i m top he is btm. i like to have my ass played with and invaded on rare occassion, very rare, but not a chance with bf. btm only. So we work on it. He has managed to move to the middle and so have i. That's what a relationship is, giving up for the other, without giving up on yourself. So, my advice is not to rush it, don't give in just for him. if u two have a future and it seems like u might, (10 months is long time in gay relations, trust me 18 yrs is an eternity. lol ) than the time will come when it is good for both of u. I hope for the best.
    icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2010 3:43 PM GMT
    The only thing that might make you a stand out among gay men is your apparent honesty and concern for your partner's feelings. (I totally mean that in a very complimentary way.)

    I also don't think it's odd to have zero interest in topping. Guys who are interested in anal sex quite normally polarize to one end or the other. And for those who really enjoy it, it's pretty common that they only enjoy their preferred position. It should be reiterated as mentioned above that anal sex is also not a requisite for a relationship. I've known more than a few friends in my day that wanted no part of it. They felt content with other means.

    On the fetishes; most guys, even in a somewhat "safe and open" forum as this, still keep them very well hidden from the light of day. That might be because of their extreme desires, or just shyness, or even some guilt. If you find your fetish to be enjoyable and does not intentionally (and non-consensually) harm someone else, then why not enjoy the hell out of it.

    I've been in a somewhat similar situation as far as being on a completely different page as my partner (at the time). Considering how open, honest and communicative you are, there's a good chance y'all can work this out. If it's what you want, then by all means, GOOD LUCK!!

    ps...I've wondered myself if my proclivities have been a result of when I came out, and how much I had held inside up until that time in my life. So, no...you are not alone in that respect either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 10, 2010 4:12 PM GMT
    @ Gumbie: I really like the language you used "giving up for the other, without giving up on yourself" Feels right.

    @ everyone else: Thank you for your feedback, and keep it coming. We had another good conversation last night, and while this isn't exactly resolved, there is a commitment to one another.

    What amuses me is a few weeks ago I had ordered a leather look spandex suit 'thing' from spandexman.com, and while it was sitting on my desk screaming to be opened, I had to put it out of my mind to focus on us, which is clearly more important. We better play with it later though, lol.