Why is there a boyfriend checklist in some people's minds?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    My ideal man has:
    etc
    etc
    etc
    etc
    etc
    but etc and not etc.
    etc
    etc
    perhaps etc, but not really etc

    I find the minute we make those check lists we create an impossible guy, and as soon as you find someone that may meet your 'qualifications'...did you meet his? Is that suppose to be true love?

    I find in my own life whenever I create expectations for people the people who I most gravitate towards are those who are unique and unexpected...And I find myself sometimes attracted to the opposite of what I wanted in the first place.

    Sorry I just got done reading someones profile saying their man must be defined-to-muscular, height requirements, age specifications, ethnicity and clothes and music styles... jeez.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Mar 12, 2010 1:14 AM GMT
    jayyp saidI find the minute we make those check lists we create an impossible guy, and as soon as you find someone that may meet your 'qualifications'...did you meet his? Is that suppose to be true love?

    I find in my own life whenever I create expectations for people the people who I most gravitate towards are those who are unique and unexpected...And I find myself sometimes attracted to the opposite of what I wanted in the first place.

    a great guy can sneak up upon you.
    he is nothing like you expected ' wonderful ' to be.
    his eyes sway with their own song,
    his mind dances to its own beat.

    it's difficult to list off only the good when there is so much for which you did not account.
    he's there and you're somewhere else, wondering how does his 2 and your 2 add up to 4.

    sometimes a guy - once stable communication is administered - just ... fits.
    sometimes his last words are your more recent thoughts.
    sometimes you are flattened by the fact that this strange wonder actually thinks about you; he makes you truly humble to the potential effect we can have upon our fellow man.
    sometimes you thought you had an operationalized sense of what it means to:
    - love
    - care
    - be supportive
    - be patient
    - be quiet in your wants
    - to put that person's needs 1st
    ... but then this bastard comes along and piledrives your previous series of concepts and working definitions.

    it's entirely frustrating when a guy that was not on your radar nor on any list of any sort comes into your life and one of the two of you fights potential. potential does not go away if you run away. potential does not hide or even can be said to lay dormant if you don't even speak the same language.

    some 2 have the potential to have great sex and that is their sum to 4.
    some 2 have the distinct potential to have amazing conversation and that is their sum to 4.
    some 2 have the potential to destroy each other when together, yet long for the other when apart and that is their sum of + / - 4.
    yet still, some 2 have the potential to really, and I mean really, look at each other and have trouble seeing the end. they have trouble knowing why this is happening and where this is to stop ... but so long as that is their collective potential and it manages to sum to 4, they cannot easily remove themselves from the other; they ... after giving into certain social concessions (e.g., open communication, moving closer, if not cohabitating, together, work together on projects, embed themselves within each other's family - so it will not come as a surprise, study together, etc.) ... become rather symbiotic, but retain their individuality (in the more rare cases).

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    Mar 12, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    jayyp saidMy ideal man has:
    etc
    etc
    etc
    etc
    etc
    but etc and not etc.
    etc
    etc
    perhaps etc, but not really etc

    I find the minute we make those check lists we create an impossible guy, and as soon as you find someone that may meet your 'qualifications'...did you meet his? Is that suppose to be true love?

    I find in my own life whenever I create expectations for people the people who I most gravitate towards are those who are unique and unexpected...And I find myself sometimes attracted to the opposite of what I wanted in the first place.

    Sorry I just got done reading someones profile saying their man must be defined-to-muscular, height requirements, age specifications, ethnicity and clothes and music styles... jeez.



    Speaking of one's checklist what is yours?


    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 12, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    jrs1 said
    ... but then this bastard comes along and piledrives your previous series of concepts and working definitions.


    Not to mention... you.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Mar 12, 2010 1:30 AM GMT
    MeOhMy said
    jrs1 said
    ... but then this bastard comes along and piledrives your previous series of concepts and working definitions.

    Not to mention... you.

    sound familiar?



    " ... [you] bring it reloaded; re-lo-o-de-ed. "

    thank you very much for what you've said. I was not expecting that at all.
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    Mar 12, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    It isn't strange really to have a checklist. How many of us don't compare the potential boyfriend with our first or the love of our lives? It took me a while to realize that I was doing that and that I needed to really think about who I was at the time (because hopefully, we all grow from our experience and become a more enlightened person as we get older). So while I have things in mind that are not negotiable when it comes to relationships, but I like to think I am thoughtful enough to be open most of the time. And I also think it depends on what 'boyfriend' means to each individual.
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    Mar 12, 2010 1:33 AM GMT
    ^good song "Reloaded" XD

    anyways, those guys are less likely to find the guy that they want...some times being realistcal can make you go far :i
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    Mar 12, 2010 1:37 AM GMT
    I believe we all prescreen to some degree, it's just a matter of how narrow and how demanding our list is. For instance, I suppose most 20-year-olds will cross off 90-somethings, and guys over 400 pounds, and guys with outstanding arrest warrants, plus those who haven't taken a shower in about 6 months, etc.

    So when does the list go too far, whether you treat it as a formal or informal guideline for yourself? And what's the difference between having "standards" versus a so-called "list"?

    I don't see anything wrong with having formed a general outline of what you like and want. A strict laundry list that runs to several pages is likely overdoing it, however. And every man with whom I've ever been happy did in fact violate at least some of my own general preferences. But he also met most of them, especially the core ones involving character, integrity, honesty, sincerity, and affection.
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    Mar 12, 2010 3:43 AM GMT
    They don't want a boyfriend, they want a talking Ken doll that is all wrapped in a gay package. For genre of men that are suppose to be liberal, creative, forward thinking, a lot put them selves into a dick in a box. Get out of the gay hood once in a while and see rest of the world!!!
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    Mar 12, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    I have certain criteria, yes, but bottom line I care more about who you are as a person than what you look like or how big your dick is.
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    Mar 12, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    I worry that I do that, and it prevents me from baggin' a stud. But I don't have a checklist per-say...just "is he really annoying?" Usually guys don't pass that test.

    Also, guys I'm interested in tend to be straight. (Though I wonder if my gaydar is actually an early-detection system, because I've had crushes on some flaming guys...sparkly Mickey Mouse t-shirt flaming...that claimed to be straight.)
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 12, 2010 7:42 AM GMT
    Good for you, Jaypp, if you're open to dating anyone. I have some preferences, yes. And I do wish sormetimes that I could break through them. I've made some attempts, but nothing successful yet. You're more evolved that I, that's for sure. It's a great quality to have.
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    Mar 12, 2010 9:43 AM GMT
    Sometimes, the right guy doesn't fit into any of your preferences, but becomes everything you've ever wanted and more. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 12, 2010 1:13 PM GMT
    I think your wrong.

    I do however believe many guys have very unrealistic expectations, but for the majority of us who have had a significant amount of dating experience, you start to figure out what works for you. There are certain things I used to look for in a guy, but it was based on what I knew from previous relationships.

    Do I think we all should look for Ken dolls and super successful doctors, of course not. I used to look for guys who were really into family, enjoyed movies, and played monopoly like a mother fucker!

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    Mar 12, 2010 1:31 PM GMT
    jayyp saidMy ideal man has:
    etc
    etc
    etc
    etc
    etc
    but etc and not etc.
    etc
    etc
    perhaps etc, but not really etc

    I find the minute we make those check lists we create an impossible guy, and as soon as you find someone that may meet your 'qualifications'...did you meet his? Is that suppose to be true love?

    I find in my own life whenever I create expectations for people the people who I most gravitate towards are those who are unique and unexpected...And I find myself sometimes attracted to the opposite of what I wanted in the first place.

    Sorry I just got done reading someones profile saying their man must be defined-to-muscular, height requirements, age specifications, ethnicity and clothes and music styles... jeez.


    You're only 18. Wait until you turn 30! In my opinion, everyone should have a checklist. I have one. But mine's short.
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Mar 12, 2010 4:54 PM GMT
    I find a great deal of insight and wisdom in this posting. Unusual for a man of only 18 years. Too often we might think we know what we "need" in a guy, but we're mostly clueless about what really matters.

    It's often the single men who constantly complain about never finding a decent guy who also have a lengthy laundry list of qualifications and prerequisites, and I find it interesting that they usually contain extrinsic qualities like:

    -He has to be ____ tall.
    -He has to have ____ hair.
    -He needs to drive a ____.
    -He must be ____ in bed.
    -His ___ better be ___.

    Instead, we should be looking more for intrinsic qualities like:

    -He listens to me.
    -He is there when I need him.
    -He is so kind.
    -He makes me laugh.
    -He gets me.
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    Mar 12, 2010 5:38 PM GMT
    fitnfunmich saidI find a great deal of insight and wisdom in this posting. Unusual for a man of only 18 years. Too often we might think we know what we "need" in a guy, but we're mostly clueless about what really matters.

    It's often the single men who constantly complain about never finding a decent guy who also have a lengthy laundry list of qualifications and prerequisites, and I find it interesting that they usually contain extrinsic qualities like:

    -He has to be ____ tall.
    -He has to have ____ hair.
    -He needs to drive a ____.
    -He must be ____ in bed.
    -His ___ better be ___.

    Instead, we should be looking more for intrinsic qualities like:

    -He listens to me.
    -He is there when I need him.
    -He is so kind.
    -He makes me laugh.
    -He gets me.


    Exactly, this is what I mean and agree with. Obviously there are red flags and such for when youre dating somebody but this is exactly what I meant.

    Also...I just really DON'T have expectations...If a guy gets the feeling in my stomach to start feelin'...then I know he's attractive. Haha, i guess i'm weird.
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    Mar 12, 2010 11:17 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidI'm sorry, but I think the only non-negotiable item on my list is the how you sound when you talk. If you end your statements and sentences in a tone of voice that sounds like a question, and if you use the word "like" more than once in 2 minutes and if you talk to fast and finish my sentences for me, I shut down....Uh...waiter...please bring the check.

    Fingernails on the blackboard.


    I thought I was the only one. I've met guys whose voices make me cringe. Guys who talk too fast make me nervous. But I wouldn't dismiss a guy just for having either trait. I'd explore to see what else (good, not-so-good, or bad) is there. Love rarely arrives perfectly packaged.
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    Mar 12, 2010 11:27 PM GMT
    Because some guys just LOOOOOVE shopping icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 13, 2010 2:01 AM GMT
    Isn't it kind of like buying a house? You have a certain list of "must haves" and "nice to haves," but in the end, when you find the one you like, it's because it gets your heart beating when you walk in, and the list gets thrown out the window, for the most part.
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    Mar 13, 2010 6:29 AM GMT
    BlkMuscleGent said
    KissingPro saidI'm sorry, but I think the only non-negotiable item on my list is the how you sound when you talk. If you end your statements and sentences in a tone of voice that sounds like a question, and if you use the word "like" more than once in 2 minutes and if you talk to fast and finish my sentences for me, I shut down....Uh...waiter...please bring the check.

    Fingernails on the blackboard.


    I thought I was the only one. I've met guys whose voices make me cringe. Guys who talk too fast make me nervous. But I wouldn't dismiss a guy just for having either trait. I'd explore to see what else (good, not-so-good, or bad) is there. Love rarely arrives perfectly packaged.


    You are a man after my own heart! exactly my sentiments BlkMuscleGent!
    I have learned that making a list of expectations is good for those who don't really know what they are looking for or what is good to them!? it is also true as you get older the checklist becomes more of a nuisance than a prerequisite. I find that when we are young most of our expectations of the perfect BF were subconsciously that of our own, so as we get older and find them in ourselves that checklist is drastically reduced to only a few! what is my updated checklist of qualities for a BF?


    1) honesty

    2) loyalty-monogamous

    3) kindhearted

    4) lovingly-affectionate


    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 13, 2010 6:16 PM GMT
    While I do think it's important to know what you like or dislike in a guy, what I have however noticed and find amusing are the guys I've come across who are armed with an xmas list of traits they demand in men and roam the earth looking for fantasy mates while avoiding their own shortcomings. A life spent in a hall of mirrors, surrounded by sycophants who are as misguided as they are. So dating eventually becomes a game of emotional pin the tail on the donkey played by guys who have become blind and delusional..


    In an effort to get what we think we want, we create high (and sometimes foolish) standards that oftentimes block us from getting the very thing we need or desire. So while it's important to have a list of traits that you want in a guy, don't let it block you from finding the guy who is best for you but might not meet all of your requirements.
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    Mar 13, 2010 6:21 PM GMT
    My only checklist is; sane, good looking/in at least decent shape, has a job or the ability to get a job, and kind. I think most other things can be negotiated like political views.

    However if they don't have a sense of humor or get me on some levels then it probably won't last regardless of my checklist.
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Mar 13, 2010 6:43 PM GMT
    When i first read this i was a little confused. It seemed that you were getting upset that people have preferences, and telling someone that you shouldnt have preferences is like telling you that you need to go back in the closet.

    When the other gentleman made sense of your point, i agree more with it and understand it better.. but you shouldnt be upset that someone else feels that way. They just know what they like, and if they choose to be that picky, that is their option.

    For me its pretty simple. I tend to be attracted to in shape guys with good heads on their shoulders and masculine features. Not that they need a six pack or anything,.. But its just what i tend to be attracted to. The rest i guess i just know it when i see it and as you said "get that feeling in my stomach." I however have a vast array of friends that range from the most femenine to the super masculine, all shapes and sizes, and a varying interests.

    I always say that people have dfferent tastes. That's why restaurants have menus. You may not like their taste, but that is ok..because you aren't them. But don't get mad because they do. Our differences are what make us unique and interesting... in my opinion. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 13, 2010 8:18 PM GMT
    someguy saidMy only checklist is; sane, good looking/in at least decent shape, has a job or the ability to get a job, and kind. I think most other things can be negotiated like political views.

    However if they don't have a sense of humor or get me on some levels then it probably won't last regardless of my checklist.


    Yeah, that's a pretty good list. I suppose if I broke my list out it'd be fairly similar. Except employment would, for me, be "has career goals." My biggest problem with my last boyfriend was that I want to reach the top, shoot for the stars, eye of the tiger and all that nonsense, and he couldn't relate.