Gay Forums - All Things Gay - Why do we all belittle, hate or discriminate one another in the gay and bi community?

Why do we all belittle, hate or discriminate one another in the gay and bi community?

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May 19, 2007 7:00 PM GMT

I have check out numerous sites and pretty much is the same thing on everyone one.

Why do we feel it is necessary to be so harsh and rude toward one another. I have read profiles where guys say that they hate hairy guy, they hate smoothe guys, they dont like masculine guy, they do like fem guys, or blacks, white, slim , average, muscular and etc.

Everyone has a preference but the way that many of these guyS detail their hate or dislike of a certain group of people is quite cruel.

Those were just expamles but why do u think that people have such strong opinions on little things like that?

I just curious on peoples views and opinion.

mcwclewis

Posts: 1701

May 19, 2007 8:01 PM GMT

Because most of them have such little senses of self-esteem that they have to over-compensate. They think that acting so excessively and with a commanding style of speech will make them appear more confident. Also they're probably too close-minded to accept the fact that people are who they are, and they can't change their appearance, ethnicity, body type, etc. at will, so demanding that only certain types of people contact them is their only answer.

Im open to anything personally.... of course I have my prefferences, but there's no point in ruling out even more people when we all already have such slim options to choose from. And besides, even if someone doesn't seem to be right for me, I can at least make a new friend.

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May 19, 2007 9:24 PM GMT

I agree. I wonder how some people can write a profile which comes across as a manifesto of hatred, and not realize the power of words, but I can't judge those offenders as good or bad, I just avoid them.

I think it has more to do with the quickie-sex mentality on a lot of gay websites. The hookup factor is really high, and everyone wants a hook up with their perfect man asap. Listing what you like or don't like makes things more efficient, perhaps? The trouble is, there are a lot of people who lack compassion, etiquette, and kindness, and the website profile provides such people with a forum. Do and don't lists tell me that the person has hangups, so I don't even need to read further, since I'm only interested in guys without hangups. I try to keep in mind that they can do their thing, and I'll do mine.

Hang in there man, not all gay guys are like that...just several.

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May 19, 2007 10:54 PM GMT

You're right. I have my "type" or "style" or things that I look for in other people, be it anything from age, height, to sexual position, etc., and I'd be lying if I said I've never met someone out of those guidelines who has made me happy to have met them. Life's too short to rule people out based on silly rules, and if you do so, you're limiting yourself and making enduring and rewarding relationships.

B

MikemikeMike

Posts: 6932

May 19, 2007 11:20 PM GMT

You are right about the low self esteem. People, in general, just feel better when they knock others. Unless they have a strong sense of self and are sensitive to the world around them. It is a learned behavior-not that everyone should blame their family/parents, but alot of opionions are formed at an early age. Jeez just read some of chuckystuds comments on smooth or hairy- lmao!!

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May 20, 2007 5:49 AM GMT

I have read it and I do agree. The sad thing is they are all looking for the perfect guy and will most likely never find him they are too picky and pluse there dream guy is only in fantasy land people should try to excpet if you have body hair or not or skinny. And it sucks, because they will probably never find the perfect guy and mostly wind up alone for being too dam picky.

OptimusMatt

Posts: 1124

May 20, 2007 6:03 AM GMT

Most people hold others up to a standard they couldn't possibly achieve them self - everyone has a flaw, and no matter how picky ultimately, everyone settles.

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May 20, 2007 9:04 PM GMT

I have always gone by the premise that you attract that which you are!! So if judgement is a big part of anyone's personality you end up attacting others who are the same. It would be so nice if we could all accept each other for our differences. Also we are all attracted to different type's of people but does that make it right to judge others for their attraction. Whats the chance of us all being non-judgemental??

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May 24, 2007 5:22 AM GMT

yeah, it is a bit odd. we really should be supporting one another because it's tough to be gay. there was an acquaintance of mine who was like that. i actually asked him why he was such a d*ck about certain "types". he said he needed to be this way in order to keep the "riff raff" away. he was very selective and had to send a strong message in order to not get hit upon by the "wrong" type.

ManAfoot

Posts: 9

Jun 05, 2007 2:31 AM GMT

I agree with johnnyk on this.

Sites which are supposed to be for guys like me, such as G0ys.org (spelled with a zero) would definitely fall into the category of "how NOT to win friends and influence people."

Even though I may have no interest in oral or anal sex (I'm strictly JO/frot), I see no reason to look down on the sexual practices of the majority of the gay population, as exemplified by most G0y sites.

But I also realize the challenge I face when it comes to finding guys willing to play extremely safe, like I do.

TallGWMvballe...

Posts: 1925

Jun 12, 2007 7:16 PM GMT

It's interesting that the majority of these posts are intelligent showing high ideals and I whole-heartedly agree that we should all be more open and less hating so I sincerely hope that those and others here would practice what they preach and answer all people with dignity and respect instead of ignoring or letting one point (age or race) determine that you can't talk with that person or see the other qualities.

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Jun 12, 2007 7:23 PM GMT

While I do agree with the responses in this thread, I do have to point out that to respond seriously one has to accept the premise, that "we all" belittle, hate etc.

I don't accept the premise. In fact, with all due respect to adonismiaim23 (and I really don't mean this to sound as harsh as it will appear in print), it is a bit whiney.

We are all entitled to have our own likes/dislikes...and the fact that someone is or is not attracted to a blonde hair/blue eyed person, or a black person, or a brown person, or Italians that look like Pacino...does NOT mean that that someone is a racist, or hater.

We can control how we treat others as humans, but we are entitled to be attracted to those that attract us.

Yes, I realize that a lot of profiles come off sounding as rants about people to whom these guys are not attracted.

Yes, those guys are probably small minded, and completely unaware of email/internet etiquette (namely, that everything will come off sounding harsher than it is intended). And they should be criticized for that.

But that's completely different from saying that "we all" belittle, hate or discriminate.

Please!

John

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Jun 12, 2007 8:01 PM GMT

Any form of bigotry or Racism directed at any human-being. Is a boil on the but of humanity!

Fear and Ignorance and self-hatred is the root cause.

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Jun 12, 2007 9:24 PM GMT

I don't think it has as much to do with being hateful, racist, etc. as it does with the way modern communication technology is changing the way we relate to one another in general. It's overload. There are too many people to communicate with on a site like this, so you break it down to what you like and don't like, with little care for how that sounds. If you met someone in a bar who wasn't your type, you still might enjoy a good conversation. But here? No way. On to the next piece of eye candy.

I enjoy visiting sites like RJ only because it keeps me in touch (just enough) with the gay world. But I think meeting people this way is pretty dysfunctional. You're forced to advertise and market yourself while reducing other people to little more than a checklist. Email and IM also further depersonalize the situation because they are pretty rude mediums for communication. Short and sweet, no emotion, etc.

That said, I think gay men are just pretty darn rude in general. Perhaps we learn the behavior from dealing with people who are rude towards us. Perhaps it's the thick skin we must develop. But, on more than one occasion, I've watched someone innocently approach another guy at a bar only to be shot down in the nastiest way. So it doesn't surprise me that the behavior is all that much worse online.

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Jun 12, 2007 9:31 PM GMT

I think "hate" is a rather strong word to be used in this situation.

Like/Don't Like, Prefer, etc.

I think it has to be taken in context as well. If one is just looking for friends...then smooth/hairy and all the rest of it doesn't really matter. If one is looking to "hook-up"....go for what you like.

For the most part I think we need to "get over it" and "get over ourselves".

crossfitDiggy

Posts: 1

Aug 10, 2007 7:57 AM GMT

This is a good question. It seems the more gay people are accepted by the "masses" the more we separate ourselves from our own kind. Things seemed easier years ago. It's kind of like we want to be main stream so bad that we notice the fat ones, the not so handsome one and the femmy one. Like a flashing light. I guess the thing to remember is the more we welcome and accept another person the less questions are raised and the more you are thought of. Wow, the more friends you'll have...

Actually, there are people that have responded and agree with this post who are incredibly guilty. In fact there is one guy who has met me a few times and each time it's a first meeting and he's rude, rude , rude - we even have mutual friends! LOL then again, maybe he's looking for the handsome face, the six pack abs and the flashy car...

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Apr 23, 2008 7:42 AM GMT

I don't think that the majority of us are so hateful to each other.We may gossip,snip or ridicule,but isn't that the same in the straight world? When I came out,we stood by each other, lesbians and gays. I agree there is less community for us amongst the suburbians in america. We just want to blend in and not be outed from a bigot.I say show them what we are made of, and stick together. And,if we didn't have a preference to what we like, how the hell would you meet someone?

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Apr 23, 2008 7:55 AM GMT

Well, I don't think we should waste any energy on tearing others down (except politicians because that is politics), but we're also not a big gay family. Let's face it: sometimes the only things that we have in common are that we are human and we're homosexuals.

For instance, I do not care for gay Republicans, homocons, religious gays, or closet-cases, but I also don't hate them.

Likewise, I am sure there are those who don't care for tall, furry, bossy, opinionated, liberal, athiests.

HndsmKansan

Posts: 16327

Apr 23, 2008 3:24 PM GMT

Well a couple of points here:

I think is a personal issue and a "societal" one as well.

The societal should be clear. Many in the gay community are focused on them as individuals. They are the important thing, not others... and its fed by society at large. Who cares what others may think or concern about others. They are #1.. you see it every day.

The point to make too is that many are not that way. They are interested in others (here on this site and elsewhere), they understand that differences only strengthen, not weaken and that simple differences (hairy, smooth, race, etc) really should be irrelevant or if it is, it is conveyed in a way that is respectful.

If I read a profile and it makes the remarks that are stated in the original post here... using words like "hate", I know that isn't a person I need to get to know. I have no interest in someone who can be so
opinionated and negative.

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Apr 23, 2008 3:28 PM GMT

Most people, gay and straight, are self-unaware. Were they aware of their own cornucopia of flaws, they'd be much slower to list those of others they're unwilling to tolerate.

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Apr 23, 2008 3:47 PM GMT

My question is why do we put so much energy into it? I mean... the fact of it is we are human. If i, as a human, exercise my free will and say i hate a certain group of people... so be it. If i am not attracted to a certain eye, skin, hair color... so be it. If i chose to express it and you don't like it, don't read it, dont make the choice to care. It's not an attack on YOU the reader personally.

Do i have "self" issues. Hell to the yeah... again... i'm human. Do i project that onto others, possibly.

And futhermore it's not just gay people who do this... it's HUMANS who do this. There are certainly those few individuals who DON'T and are good and what not, but i am going to say that ain't none of us fully one of those people.

Rallying as a group and wanting to hold hands and build the world a home and furish it with love... apple trees, honey bees and all that is wonderful. And there are times when we all feel that way... but then we break away from the group, or we fracture off into our own little circles and groups, and we revert back to who we really are.

Is it wrong, possibly. Can it be changed, that depends on the individual. IS it cruel for me to say i dont particulary want to date an over weight guy, or a black guy, or a hispanic guy? Only if someone chooses to interpret it as cruel. I interpret it, no matter HOW extreme the languge, as that persons choice, them exercising their free will, and THAT is never wrong.

HndsmKansan

Posts: 16327

Apr 23, 2008 4:03 PM GMT

StripperRocco said

Is it wrong, possibly. Can it be changed, that depends on the individual. IS it cruel for me to say i dont particulary want to date an over weight guy, or a black guy, or a hispanic guy? Only if someone chooses to interpret it as cruel. I interpret it, no matter HOW extreme the languge, as that persons choice, them exercising their free will, and THAT is never wrong.

Interesting comment by Rocco and I reread his comment a couple of times to make sure I was interpreting what he was saying correctly.

I understand what he is saying as it is human nature and I respect his opinion. I think I disagree with the last sentence. Nobody questions that one can list their preferences here (or anywhere) for that matter. Whats objectionable is when that opinion becomes one of hatred for a type, group or social sect.

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Apr 23, 2008 4:09 PM GMT

The last statement means that someone, anyone, thinking anything is never EVER wrong. The actions of those thoughts can be wrong, such as genocide. But to think, or feel, or have an opinion ISN'T wrong, no matter what that thought feeling or opinion, no matter how dark or light, or extreme!

MisterT

Posts: 1272

Apr 23, 2008 4:23 PM GMT

fastprof saidWhile I do agree with the responses in this thread, I do have to point out that to respond seriously one has to accept the premise, that "we all" belittle, hate etc.

I don't accept the premise. In fact, with all due respect to adonismiaim23 (and I really don't mean this to sound as harsh as it will appear in print), it is a bit whiney.

We are all entitled to have our own likes/dislikes...and the fact that someone is or is not attracted to a blonde hair/blue eyed person, or a black person, or a brown person, or Italians that look like Pacino...does NOT mean that that someone is a racist, or hater.

We can control how we treat others as humans, but we are entitled to be attracted to those that attract us.

Yes, I realize that a lot of profiles come off sounding as rants about people to whom these guys are not attracted.

Yes, those guys are probably small minded, and completely unaware of email/internet etiquette (namely, that everything will come off sounding harsher than it is intended). And they should be criticized for that.

But that's completely different from saying that "we all" belittle, hate or discriminate.

Please!

John

Well said John, I don't think I could have said it better myself.

gsh1964

Posts: 388

Apr 23, 2008 4:24 PM GMT

I actually believe this happens in the str8 community too. Look how women shoot down ugly guys in the bars. I have a good str8 buddy at work who can't get a date cuz he's overweight and still lives with his mom and dad. These issues are not just limited to our community, it's human nature.

I also believe that many guys go on-line for a hook-up. So they are listing what they want in bed, not for a life partner.

I will tell you one thing, I find this website the hardest to connect up with someone. There are a lot of evasive and arrogant guys here.

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Why do we all belittle, hate or discriminate one another in the gay and bi community?