Too "Straight" ... ???

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2010 9:29 AM GMT
    So here is my situation. I used to get annoyed by feminine guys, and I've already learned my lesson about telling guys they act "too gay" and I realize that saying such things can be hurtful and insensitive. However... I am confused, and this is why:

    I bartended at pridefest in Milwaukee when I was still "straight" (in the closet) a couple years ago in the VIP area. The money was amazing, and I went to apply through a gay bar in the area for this coming summer now that I've started coming out to people. After applying, I was grilled because they thought I was straight and just wanted money. After talking to them for some time, I think I've convinced them I'm not. However, this isn't the first time I've felt like the "gay community" has rejected me in this way...

    As I said, I just started coming out so I've only gone to gay bars a few times, not to mention it isn't exactly my "scene." The problem is that almost every time I've gone, some guy has come up to me and either angrily asked why I'm in a gay bar, assuming I'm straight, or told me that more people would approach me if I didn't seem so straight - or as one said "you scare people." I'm a very approachable person, and friendly to whoever talks to me... I'm sick of not being "gay enough" for the gays, and I'm obviously not straight if I like guys. I'm not going to start acting in a different manner just to fit into the gay community, it's not who I am.

    I guess my question is, how can I be accepted without changing who I am? This is ridiculous. All I want is to be me, but it seems that isn't allowed.
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    Mar 13, 2010 9:43 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidNo need to change your mannerisms. I believe I have the perfect solution for you. Next time try showing up at one of these establishments donning one of these snappy ensembles. I'm confident you will convey the correct message should you choose to do so. I'd lend you one of mine but seeing as you're of smaller stature than me you'd most definitely drown in my size. icon_eek.gif





    prom_dresses.jpg



    Blaahhhhh good idea, but I think that would change more than my mannerisms lol. Thanks though!
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    Mar 13, 2010 9:46 AM GMT
    be you, screw what everyone else thinks.

    if some knob comes up to you getting all miffed about his own assumption that's his problem.

    I kinda know who you feel though, apparently I look scary and intimidating, I think that's absolute bullshit to be honest, those people just don't have the balls to approach a guy.

    However, this is also a good chance for you to understand how these guys you reject based on there mannerisms feels.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2010 9:57 AM GMT
    I've been called "the stealth model gay" before which i thought was hilarious, and a few times I've been in the clubs i've gotten that look once or twice like "why are you here" haha, but i never really take any of it to heart though.

    Not sure if i can adequately answer your question though. I'd say dont worry about it. If they wont accept you being you, then move on. We have enough of a hard time "trying" to be accepted by the world at large, last thing you need is to be overly concerned with if your "gay enough".
    If you change anything about who you are for someone else, its just like when your forced in the closet for being gay, cuz of what society wanted you to be. And you said you started to come out, so dont let and new community force you into a new closet. Just my 2cents.
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    Mar 13, 2010 9:58 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI'd love to see Liltanker in the dress on the left. It's a bold statement which complements Tanker's fiery personality.

    I dun know, that scarf, it's a little over the top for me and I just don't have a long enough neck to pull it off, plus, pink really isn't my colour... now if we were talking about that dress in red... YES *nods*
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:00 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidbe you, screw what everyone else thinks.

    I kinda know who you feel though, apparently I look scary and intimidating, I think that's absolute bullshit to be honest, those people just don't have the balls to approach a guy.


    Your main profile pic does look quite mean, BUT it's sexy as hell icon_twisted.gif
    So thats a good thing!
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:00 AM GMT
    SoCalNerd saidI've been called "the stealth model gay" before which i thought was hilarious, and a few times I've been in the clubs i've gotten that look once or twice like "why are you here" haha, but i never really take any of it to heart though.

    Not sure if i can adequately answer your question though. I'd say dont worry about it. If they wont accept you being you, then move on. We have enough of a hard time "trying" to be accepted by the world at large, last thing you need is to be overly concerned with if your "gay enough".
    If you change anything about who you are for someone else, its just like when your forced in the closet for being gay, cuz of what society wanted you to be. And you said you started to come out, so dont let and new community force you into a new closet. Just my 2cents.


    haha yeah well that's my problem... I'm not going to change who I am. I am coming out because I'm sick of pretending to be someone I'm not, so why the fuck should I act differently to be accepted by other gay people? It just kind of sucks icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:03 AM GMT
    mehh..screw what people think. Just be you. Don't change yourself as a compromise for strangers.
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:03 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI'd love to see Liltanker in the dress on the left. It's a bold statement which complements Tanker's fiery personality.

    I dun know, that scarf, it's a little over the top for me and I just don't have a long enough neck to pull it off, plus, pink really isn't my colour... now if we were talking about that dress in red... YES *nods*


    dude you in a dress...LAMO!icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:08 AM GMT
    Well, your profile picture is quite aggressive (folded arms is never a good look) so I'm not surprised people think you are scary.
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:10 AM GMT
    redheadguy saidWell, your profile picture is quite aggressive (folded arms is never a good look) so I'm not surprised people think you are scary.


    lol... my arms aren't folded at all times. I'll change my pic sometime just for you haha.
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:11 AM GMT
    jtr1123 said
    lilTanker said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI'd love to see Liltanker in the dress on the left. It's a bold statement which complements Tanker's fiery personality.

    I dun know, that scarf, it's a little over the top for me and I just don't have a long enough neck to pull it off, plus, pink really isn't my colour... now if we were talking about that dress in red... YES *nods*


    dude you in a dress...LAMO!icon_lol.gif

    I can work it, I'd look better in a sleeker gown rather then something frilly, but, I can work anything!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:15 AM GMT
    Mehh just be yourself. I remember when I was younger I use to Alter the tone/pitch of my voice to hide my "Lisp" from the Straight people. Now I could give a damn what they think or how they look at me.
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:33 AM GMT
    lenoxx said Mehh just be yourself. I remember when I was younger I use to Alter the tone/pitch of my voice to hide my "Lisp" from the Straight people. Now I could give a damn what they think or how they look at me.


    Ha well the thing is it seems I'm more accepted by the straight people... it's like the opposite effect! It's just all very confusing.
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    Mar 13, 2010 10:55 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidNo need to change your mannerisms. I believe I have the perfect solution for you. Next time try showing up at one of these establishments donning one of these snappy ensembles. I'm confident you will convey the correct message should you choose to do so. I'd lend you one of mine but seeing as you're of smaller stature than me you'd most definitely drown in my size. icon_eek.gif





    prom_dresses.jpg



    AHAHAHAHA that was a good one, made my night icon_smile.gif but yea to the OP def be yourself i dont even care if im too gay or straight anymore
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    Mar 13, 2010 11:22 AM GMT
    Buddy, don't worry about it. Continue to be the man you are. You are going through this process on your own terms and the community will just have to catch up with you.

    As for the being accepted, I believe you are already there. You are a part of this online community and you've participated in Milwaukee gay community events. I feel the more folks see you out and about the more at ease they will feel around you and around them.
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    Mar 13, 2010 11:47 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidbe you, screw what everyone else thinks.

    if some knob comes up to you getting all miffed about his own assumption that's his problem.

    I kinda know who you feel though, apparently I look scary and intimidating, I think that's absolute bullshit to be honest, those people just don't have the balls to approach a guy.

    However, this is also a good chance for you to understand how these guys you reject based on there mannerisms feels.


    You know I agree, screw what some think here, if a nob comes here getting all miffed about his own assumptions, that is his problem. I'm please you are so opened minded and accepting of all people.Tanker.

    I do know this kind of discrimination from the gay community, I've had trouble getting into some gay clubs in the past as I did not act gay enough, or look it either; I always took that as a compliment though.
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    Mar 13, 2010 11:51 AM GMT
    First, let me welcome you to the complicated, sometimes frustrating, world of gay men. Anyone who would come up to another human being and insult their personality traits isn't worth your time. They are speaking less about your "straightness" and more about their own insecurities.
    I would have two stock answers for these jerk types: 1) If that's your pick up line for guys, you're going to be single for a long time, 2) Yeah, I get that a lot, it comes in handy when I'm picking up closeted "straight" guys.
    Good Luck!
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    Mar 13, 2010 12:03 PM GMT
    DON¨T CHANGE.

    This is exactly the same issue as "fem" guys being made to feel they should conform to the straight world. Just be you. You don´t want to get involved with the nut jobs who need you to conform to their projection of masculinity.

    I get girls trying to set me up with their (female) friends.. very frustrating.

    icon_confused.gif
  • Tiller66

    Posts: 380

    Mar 13, 2010 12:07 PM GMT
    Well I for one love the tuff look b/c I like men not women,not men that want to be women so I would have no prob comming up to you and saying I thought of to at least talk to you always hoping for more. icon_smile.gifWhich is why you'er on my hot list
  • Twenty_Someth...

    Posts: 1388

    Mar 13, 2010 12:13 PM GMT
    We are in the same boat my friend. My gay friends tell me I suck at being gay because I don't mind getting dirty, can shoot whiskey with the best of them, and put the basketball game on in the evenings. If you don't quite fit in either world, it just means that you are more unique. Being your own man is far more intriguing than getting a manicure, and some stylish shoes just to fit in. It seems you are one of the guys, who happens to like guys too. More power to you man, and don't let the haters get you down!!!icon_cool.gif
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    Mar 13, 2010 12:38 PM GMT
    I get it all the time.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Mar 13, 2010 12:56 PM GMT
    Well here are my thoughts.

    Just because you don't actually tell someone you are annoyed by their femininity, that doesn't mean that can't read it off your body language, so some of their hostility might be a reflection.

    If you got hired and you're making good tips, does it matter if guys you wouldn't be interested in aren't interested in you either.

    There is a huge difference between straight and scary. I have a lot of straight friends, acquaintances, clients and coworkers and the only "scary" ones are the ones exhibiting antisocial behaviors.

  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Mar 13, 2010 1:17 PM GMT
    Pattison said
    lilTanker saidbe you, screw what everyone else thinks.

    if some knob comes up to you getting all miffed about his own assumption that's his problem.

    I kinda know who you feel though, apparently I look scary and intimidating, I think that's absolute bullshit to be honest, those people just don't have the balls to approach a guy.

    However, this is also a good chance for you to understand how these guys you reject based on there mannerisms feels.


    You know I agree, screw what some think here, if a nob comes here getting all miffed about his own assumptions, that is his problem. I'm please you are so opened minded and accepting of all people.Tanker.

    I do know this kind of discrimination from the gay community, I've had trouble getting into some gay clubs in the past as I did not act gay enough, or look it either; I always took that as a compliment though.


    Ahem.....................can I say something? Well, I'm going to anyway. Is this the new way of saying, I'm all butch and not fem? Sorry, but that is what this sounds like to me. And Pattison, you are one of the most unaccepting people I know. If Joe posted saying he was fem and having problems you would have a different tune. But you used his post as an opportunity to tell us all yet again that you are not fem as you do on a regular bases. If you can't deal with being gay, then get help.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Mar 13, 2010 1:21 PM GMT
    Yeah, I've gotten something very similar too. At my first gay bar in Chicago, one of the guys I went with said "Get that 'don't fuck with me, I'm straight' look off your face, you look pissed". And my best friend and her fiance were with us, and some people we met thought he was the gay guy and I was the fiance.

    I didn't interpret any of that as not being accepted, and it didn't frustrate me all that much. I think it has more to do with my nerves being obvious in m body language, making me appear uncomfortable...similar to how a straight guy might be.