Dating Question

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    Mar 14, 2010 4:50 AM GMT
    Until age 45 I was a gay guy living in a straight marriage and straight world. I am the most "straight-acting" guy in the world it seems, probably because I have honed that skill really good for a long time. The issue is that when I'm out on a first date and it comes to an end, I shake hands in a very hetero way like my dad taught me and say something like "I had a great time and look forward to it again." Gay guys my age look like they're confused or wondering if they've been out with a gay guy or someone doing a really bad job pretending to be gay.

    icon_question.gif What am I missing? Bring on the RJ advice!
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    Mar 14, 2010 8:14 PM GMT
    That's pretty interesting. Here I stand 21 and I'd appreciate that much more than a sloppy kiss that I didn't see coming or whatever it may be (I'm rolling my eyes, I assure)

    I'm gonna look at these replies for sure. lol
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Mar 14, 2010 8:27 PM GMT
    That is a good ending to a first date, one that I would appreciate too. To me, a handshake is gold. Hugs are good too, but it depends on the other guy. Sometimes I just think they need a hug.
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    Mar 14, 2010 8:27 PM GMT
    Outside of one forgettable experience with a fiance, I've only dated dudes, and I end all dates with a handshake. Good to great dates will also get a genuine smile and a sincere request to meet them again. Only first date that ever ended in a true mutual kiss was the closest I've had to a 'perfect' relationship at my age. I personally feel a little uncomfortable with too much first date affection, although there is nothing wrong with it at all and I think it is great as long as everyone is on the same page.
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    Mar 14, 2010 8:31 PM GMT
    I see nothing wrong ending a first date with a firm handshake and the exchange of pleasantries. I've done it before and haven't felt guilty at all.
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    Mar 14, 2010 8:37 PM GMT
    I think I'd need a little more context. Was the guy of your date someone who's been out since his early 20s and likely had over time developed that ease of self I see in a lot of 40something gay men who aren't afraid/concerned about showing affection in public via a hug or a peck on the cheek? Or was it someone more...conservative? There's not enough context here for us to determine proper advice. Me, I'd be fine with a handshake...but I'd be fine with an arm pat or a hug too. Just no open mouth kisses, icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 14, 2010 8:51 PM GMT
    I see nothing wrong with it, i've done it myself whether i may or may not have been into the guy along with maybe a smile. There were a select from who got the hand shake and hug because it looked like they "needed" it.
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    Mar 14, 2010 8:59 PM GMT
    What happens at the end of a first date depends on the date itself and the chemistry that both felt and feel at the end of the date. I have been on a first date that lasted 36 hours(slept together but no sex and yes, when the date ended there was an awe shattering kiss) and I have had a first date end where we both stood about 3 feet apart and talked about the next date before going home. It really depends on the comfort zone of each person. I do think that how you are raised plays a huge role in how you act on and at the end of a first date for most people. If this is consistently happening, you may either want to rethink the dates on an individual basis based on the date or you might want to rethink who it is that you are going out with. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 14, 2010 9:00 PM GMT
    handshake is totally fine, if i really liked the guy and there was some sort of connection, then a hug, but other than that, nope, a handshake is fine.
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    Mar 14, 2010 9:15 PM GMT
    whats wrong with that?

    If you really wanted to throw em for a loop add in the bro handshake/shoulder hug

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  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Mar 14, 2010 9:25 PM GMT
    I agree, although my gay friends always go for the hug, I (and my partner) prefer a handshake. It may be that we are conditioned into it, but if it is more comfortable, then it is more comfortable. Period.
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    Mar 14, 2010 9:36 PM GMT
    DCEric saidI agree, although my gay friends always go for the hug, I (and my partner) prefer a handshake. It may be that we are conditioned into it, but if it is more comfortable, then it is more comfortable. Period.

    you'll be getting a hug from me icon_razz.gif I do handshakes but not with hotties icon_razz.gif
  • chris_dallas

    Posts: 340

    Mar 14, 2010 9:41 PM GMT
    hand shake is like sooo straight and formal and kinda makes it seem like u didnt enjoy it or they are too gross to touch lol

    i would say a hug and if it went reasly well maybe a kiss
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    Mar 14, 2010 9:58 PM GMT
    I always end good dates with a hand shandy.
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    Mar 14, 2010 10:31 PM GMT
    BigDude6ft6 saidUntil age 45 I was a gay guy living in a straight marriage and straight world. I am the most "straight-acting" guy in the world it seems, probably because I have honed that skill really good for a long time. The issue is that when I'm out on a first date and it comes to an end, I shake hands in a very hetero way like my dad taught me and say something like "I had a great time and look forward to it again." Gay guys my age look like they're confused or wondering if they've been out with a gay guy or someone doing a really bad job pretending to be gay.

    icon_question.gif What am I missing? Bring on the RJ advice!




    You're a gentleman. Perhaps some of your dates may not be.
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    Mar 14, 2010 10:33 PM GMT
    PAJohn saidAm I the only one who ends the first date with a blow job?


    First date, or "blow n go"icon_question.gif
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    Mar 14, 2010 10:45 PM GMT
    BigDude6ft6 saidUntil age 45 I was a gay guy living in a straight marriage and straight world. I am the most "straight-acting" guy in the world it seems, probably because I have honed that skill really good for a long time. The issue is that when I'm out on a first date and it comes to an end, I shake hands in a very hetero way like my dad taught me and say something like "I had a great time and look forward to it again." Gay guys my age look like they're confused or wondering if they've been out with a gay guy or someone doing a really bad job pretending to be gay.

    icon_question.gif What am I missing? Bring on the RJ advice!


    There's no rule that says you have to act like a fairy just because you prefer same-sex. That's more acting out than anything.

    It's perfectly fine to act like a regular person. In fact, when you do, it helps folks to understand that not all gay / bi / straight folks are fairies.

    You can still be a Republican (if you really want), join the NRA, and play ice hockey. You don't have to give up farts, or nose blows, are even saying "fuck." It's still o.k.
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    Mar 14, 2010 10:54 PM GMT
    1st date/meet a handshake and polite pleasantries at the end is just fine. Definitely a gentleman's move. But... if there was racy e-mails, IMs, texts or a cam session prior you raised the bar a bit to say the least. You sound like you handle yourself real well so just keep putting yourself out there. Dating isn't easy sometimes. The more you date the more relaxed you'll be and the less the individual dates will mean too particularly if they don't go smooth. Plus, you're a big dude f'in and maybe a bit intimidating??
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    Mar 15, 2010 3:16 AM GMT
    PAJohn said
    Motorsport422 said
    PAJohn saidAm I the only one who ends the first date with a blow job?


    First date, or "blow n go"icon_question.gif


    No, first date. I never give up my butt hole until the second date.

    First dates, blow job; second dates, butt sex.



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    Mar 15, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    Well, I can tell you this. Once I went on a date with this immaculately beautiful man, who was pretty much the definition of boyfriend material for me. At the end of the date, he went in for a kiss . . . and I gave him a hug. Awkward. Ever since then he avoids me like the plague because he's so embarassed.

    And though I think I'm a classy guy, in that circumstance I wish more than anything I'd given him the best kiss of his life. So the moral of the story is do what feels right. There is no formula, and you get no do-overs. I subscribe to decorum, but if your handshake approach is alienating someone you otherwise enjoy and align with well, the handshake's gotta go if you can get over it. If it's a bedrock principal that is deeply fused into the core of your being, then the guy's going to have to live with the handshake. In my case, I deeply regret my unwillingness to bend to circumstance, because I could have lived with a kiss instead of a hug. icon_redface.gif
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    Mar 15, 2010 4:21 AM GMT
    I always give a handshake, as you never know people's issues with personal space.

    When I met a yoga friend's friends, I gave them all handshakes. One guy in particular behaved as though I had smeared dog poo on my hands and extended his hand very prissy like. I guess he expected me to kiss his hand.icon_lol.gif

    I've gotten more comfortable with giving hugs, and even a peck on the cheek to some of my male friends. This is a huge step for me. 5 years ago, I would have freaked if someone just patted me on the back.
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    Mar 15, 2010 7:51 PM GMT
    It also depends on the location of the date ie public vs private, and also your geographic location. In a public place I tend to be more neutral with my displays of affection, so a good handshake is fine by me. If I were in P-Town or SF I might be a bit more affectionate,
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    Mar 15, 2010 8:09 PM GMT
    Straight people who are interested in each other express their interest in the form of a casual hug, it's not a "gay" thing. Be yourself and don't label what you do, labels are way to restrictive.

    Most importantly don't second guess your comfort level, some people require more space than others, some people are more guarded, only do what you are comfortable doing. If you don't want to hug, don't hug.

    How you end a date physically is irrelevant if you communicate where your head is.
    If you're interested you can say something like:
    "It was great to meet you, I had such nice time so I hope we can do this again?"
    "I had fun, would you be comfortable seeing me again/can I see you again?"

    Simple words and phrases speak VOLUMES and leave no room for ambiguity. In dating, "ambiguity" is often interpreted as "disinterest".

    If you aren't interested, saying you had a nice time and shaking hands is polite and very clear.
    Basically: Say what you mean, no one reads minds.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2010 4:29 AM GMT
    Guys:

    Thanks for the advice. It sounds like I'm concerned about fitting in with the gay community after so many years of not fitting in with the hetero community. I'll just relax and let things happen.

    Steven
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    Mar 17, 2010 5:43 AM GMT
    BigDude6ft6 saidGuys:

    Thanks for the advice. It sounds like I'm concerned about fitting in with the gay community after so many years of not fitting in with the hetero community. I'll just relax and let things happen.

    Steven



    This reminds me of a guy I dated a couple of years back! we seem to hit it off quite well, great conversations, both were very affectionate with each other, we talked for hours on the phone, until just before the fourth date I got an e-mail from him saying he didn't feel a chemistry between us because I didn't make him feel desirable??? desirable? I said, what were you expecting, to get laid?? I like being affectionate on my dates, but getting laid when I am just in the "getting to know you" stage is not my thing or style! but you know what so beat it if your date does not feel comfortable with how you approach him or in getting to know each other, so screw him, and find someone who appreciates and respects for what you are!!


    Leandro ♥