Anybody else have a hard time making great friendships?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2010 3:34 PM GMT
    I know and meet lots of people but I can never find anyone that I share my interests with or that I just get. I fill my days up with many goals and commitments so It's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't share my interests. I'm not opposed to meeting people online but I find that i do need to meet in person to experience the best outcome. Not having people to share my interests with makes me feel lonely. I just needed to vent this, thanks for reading.
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    Mar 16, 2010 9:42 PM GMT
    Best way to get people interested in you?Be interested in them.Try something you've never ever done before.Look beyond.Stay open.
    Someone doesn't respond?Then move on develop a new interest and away you go.Something doesn't work try something else.
    Try working out at a different Gym.Take a course.

    Look beyond the gay life.All my close male friends are straight, no I didn't plan it that way.It just happened.In my new job I've struck up some amazing new friendships and its always with straight men.I have had gay friends in the past but it almost never works out.I don't like to categorize but when something happens over and over again a pattern emerges..Anybody who wants to be my friend can be my friend, and I am very lucky to say I don't just have a few close friends of thirty years standing , I've got more than a few.
    Most important component of a friendship?Sense of humour.Somebody has that then instantly I want to be your friend.Make me laugh.
    That laughter will also help you weather the storms life throws at you too-and if you have friends who laugh at the same things you do , lifes storms are that much more bearable.

    Positive energy is contagious, if your happy people will want to get to know you...
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    Mar 16, 2010 11:31 PM GMT
    TheRanman saidI know and meet lots of people but I can never find anyone that I share my interests with or that I just get. I fill my days up with many goals and commitments so It's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't share my interests. I'm not opposed to meeting people online but I find that i do need to meet in person to experience the best outcome. Not having people to share my interests with makes me feel lonely. I just needed to vent this, thanks for reading.


    Yea I totally get you, I'm the same way. I'm very particular in people I vibe with, Its hard to find people that share the same interest as you, or for that matter, anyone who is truly fun and genuine. Yeah, out of all the casual friends that I have, or acquaintances if you will, I only call two or three of them my actual friends.
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    Mar 16, 2010 11:38 PM GMT
    I did at first but now I'm in a pretty great friendship so not anymore. icon_biggrin.gif

    Part of the reason it's been going so well is because we share common interests. In my case we both have the same major and we're both gym/health nuts. If you want a friend you have a lot in common with it's as simple as making friends in a setting that interests you like a gym or team or something. I think you'd have a lot more luck if you both frequented a setting of common interest than if you tried to force a friendship with some guy you correspond with over the internet.

    Good luck!
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Mar 17, 2010 12:55 AM GMT
    I have friends that have totally different goals than me. That's the beauty of friendship. I love my friends, as long as they are good people, unconditionally though I have very few. I like it that way. My friends are my backbone.
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    Mar 17, 2010 1:37 AM GMT
    This is a good way to handle friendships in my book.You put friends in categories like organizing coupons.This one is good for sex,That one is good to go wandering with (museums etc),this one is good to go to bars and clubs with,that one is good to travel with!Works for me.icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 17, 2010 7:48 AM GMT
    I have a number of really good friends, and it took me a while to find and maintain them. I live in a different state than them now, and that's the hardest part. We're planning to all get back together (in yet another state) before the end of the year.

    Our main interest is film -- we're all filmmakers to varying degrees of success -- but the other common bond is general nerdiness. But I have individual things in common with each of them. L* -- I'm my most effeminate and girly with her, we tend to bake and listen to pop music and dance (and get high). T* -- we nerd out a lot, talk about video games, computer hardware, the raw technical portion of filmmaking. M* -- We have similar tastes in television, but we talk about life, our insecurities. (She's pretty much in best friend territory, the kind where I'll do just about anything for her without even asking, or even acknowledging that it might be a big deal.) J* -- We don't have an overarching theme, we tend to be pretty random around each other, but perhaps because of that, we are each other's secret-keepers. Then there's C*, with whom I swap childhood horror stories.

    I had a close-knit circle of friends before my current close-knit circle of friends, that broke up rather violently. They blame me for the breakup and I blame them, but in reality it's about 60/40. Except that I'm not sure if I'm 60 or 40. The things I did that might point toward 60...only J* and M* know, and they've (perhaps wisely) refrained from giving their opinion.

    However, the dark, violent, destructive nature of my previous friend relationships ultimately helped me gain the skills that enabled me to keep my current friends: patience, balancing give with take, forgiveness, etc. (M* broke not one, but two of my pieces...and both times I immediately said told her not to worry, it's just stuff that's replaceable, etc. Friendship is more important than glass...even if it was like $70 worth of glass...)

    Mutual interests are key to finding and making friendships...what are you interested in? Maybe we can point you in the direction of finding some new peeps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2010 7:52 AM GMT
    Surround yourself with folks of similar interests. It works to be engaging , positive, diverse, and provocative.
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    Mar 17, 2010 7:55 AM GMT
    Call me a cynical bitch, but I've come to the conclusion that gay guys aren't really interested in a friendship.
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    Mar 17, 2010 3:26 PM GMT
    Thanks everybody for responding.
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    Jun 01, 2010 5:15 AM GMT
    Yes, I have had a few best friends in the past, but non have lasted the long haul, and I don't quite understand why.
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    Jun 01, 2010 5:21 AM GMT


    I have one best friend of 19 years, who will forever be my best friend until we die. My oldest friend after him is a girl I've known for 10 years. I've a small handful of more casual friends that aren't that good friends. And that's it. Meaningful, enduring friendships are few and far in between.
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    Jun 01, 2010 1:11 PM GMT
    You just need to get out and meet more people. If through online, target people who do have similar interests.

    There's a lot of people with hidden agendas, and some not so hidden, but the way I see things is by meeting more people, and being able to deal with those who are not good for you (those who lie, just want to get you into bed etc) is key.

    When you meet someone who is geniune, it really does shine through. If you have doubts about who you meet there is usually a reason.

    That said, I am regularly suprised. I'm quite time poor unfortunately, so I need to make time to get out there and meet people as an effort- my best mates here are great but they are a good decade older and coupled up- but some of them get out for runs with me, and we socialise with new people that way.

    Key is, just put yourself out there as much as possible.

    Like applying for a job, you need to apply at dozens and dozens of places (if market is tight lol) to make sure you have choices for work that suits your needs. People are much the same initially.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2010 1:11 PM GMT
    You just need to get out and meet more people. If through online, target people who do have similar interests.

    There's a lot of people with hidden agendas, and some not so hidden, but the way I see things is by meeting more people, and being able to deal with those who are not good for you (those who lie, just want to get you into bed etc) is key.

    When you meet someone who is geniune, it really does shine through. If you have doubts about who you meet there is usually a reason.

    That said, I am regularly suprised. I'm quite time poor unfortunately, so I need to make time to get out there and meet people as an effort- my best mates here are great but they are a good decade older and coupled up- but some of them get out for runs with me, and we socialise with new people that way.

    Key is, just put yourself out there as much as possible.

    Like applying for a job, you need to apply at dozens and dozens of places (if market is tight lol) to make sure you have choices for work that suits your needs. People are much the same initially.
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    Jun 02, 2010 3:42 PM GMT
    Hey Starlite *hugs Starlite*

    .....sex, apparently.
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    Jun 02, 2010 3:44 PM GMT
    muscles4muscles saidCall me a cynical bitch, but I've come to the conclusion that gay guys aren't really interested in a friendship.


    You're being a cynical bitch. (You asked us to call you on it..)
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    Jun 02, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    badmikeyt said
    muscles4muscles saidCall me a cynical bitch, but I've come to the conclusion that gay guys aren't really interested in a friendship.


    You're being a cynical bitch. (You asked us to call you on it..)


    ROFL
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    Jun 02, 2010 5:02 PM GMT
    I've always been fortunate to have many very close friends. We share a few interests, but mostly I'm very different from them. We just get each other. I'm sometimes amazed at how different all my friends are, but the thing we share is being able to talk to each other and being able to listen when times are tough. This sounds kind of lame, but find someone you like and can talk to, and just listen to them.

    Sometimes I wish we all shared the same interests, but when I'm having a bad day, I've got ten different people I can call who will listen, and that's pretty great.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jun 05, 2010 5:25 PM GMT
    I consider myself very blessed by the friends that I have in my life. I am always open to the idea of friendship and I am not looking for anything in particular in a friend. I have friends from the ages of 16(coworkers) up to the ages past 60. One of the cardinal rules I believe, in friendship, is to show respect for the individual. I also believe in courtesy and manners.
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    Jun 05, 2010 5:30 PM GMT
    So basically your just too fabulously unique to be friends with anyone?

    I call shenanigans.

    *cough cough* I'm allergic too bullshit.

    Be more accepting of others.
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    Jun 05, 2010 5:33 PM GMT
    I've had a hard time making friends. Doctor says it is because i was treated poorly as a kid by my peers, and that I am unwilling to open myself up. Blargh
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    Jun 22, 2010 7:01 PM GMT
    TheIStrat saidI've had a hard time making friends. Doctor says it is because i was treated poorly as a kid by my peers, and that I am unwilling to open myself up. Blargh


    I’ve had a very similar experience. When I was younger, I was sporadically the target of bullying, and occasionally I myself bullied others as well. Often I have difficulty making friends because when I meet someone who I find to be interesting or nice, I can sometimes get either very guarded and cold or I get overly gregarious and try to pursue the friendship too aggressively/come off too strong. What I’ve come to realize is that these are just defence mechanisms I’ve developed in order to cope with my fear of being rejected or ridiculed. By being cold I’ve really just been trying to isolate myself and by being too aggressive I’ve been trying to take control of the situation too much, when making friends is something that just needs to happen naturally. Once you simply open yourself up, let your guard down and act naturally, making friends becomes quite easy. Don’t let the few people who’ve ridiculed or ignored you deter you from trying to meet new people. People who bully or ridicule others are simply trying to fill a void they have in their life by putting down others.

    Also, make sure you don’t have a set prototype in your head of what the perfect friend you would like to meet is. Friendship is often more about finding someone with a complimentary energy level or who creates a positive dynamic than finding someone who has similar interests.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Jun 22, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    I think you should consider a good friendship an investment. If you are unwilling to invest the time and effort yourself, then why should the other guy? I understand your desire to find guys for which you share interests... but I also like guys who are different, but maybe share common goals, values or just views of life. Just because someone doesn't share my interests isn't a reason not to friend him (or her). You may find you learn much from those who have different interests... are different ages.. different background.. or difference races.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    Friendships are like dating, when you look for something you never find it.
    The key to having friendships is to be genuinely interested in others, especially when you don't have a lot of common ground. You have to give of yourself selflessly. Friendships like all relationships, rarely "just happen", they take investment, time, energy and for you to operate outside of your comfort zone.
    You have to be comfortable enough with yourself to know that 'good or bad' whatever someone else displays isn't about you... it's about them. And when you focus on them you will find that you are so much more alike than you ever realized... and you'll also find strength in your differences.
    We are all so afraid of being judged. But you must be vulnerable to being judged, that is the only way to share the magnificent person you are inside... after all that's what friends share.
    And if you are judged you must be confident to know that someone else' judgment isn't about you.
    Friendships are beautiful and perfect in all their flawed humanity... to share it with others is a wonderful gift, I hope you give others the chance to know you.
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    Jul 02, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    Breathtaking. Oh how I wish I'd had your clear and honest level of circumspection when I was 19. Bravo to you Sir.

    Waccaw said
    TheIStrat saidI've had a hard time making friends. Doctor says it is because i was treated poorly as a kid by my peers, and that I am unwilling to open myself up. Blargh


    I’ve had a very similar experience. When I was younger, I was sporadically the target of bullying, and occasionally I myself bullied others as well. Often I have difficulty making friends because when I meet someone who I find to be interesting or nice, I can sometimes get either very guarded and cold or I get overly gregarious and try to pursue the friendship too aggressively/come off too strong. What I’ve come to realize is that these are just defence mechanisms I’ve developed in order to cope with my fear of being rejected or ridiculed. By being cold I’ve really just been trying to isolate myself and by being too aggressive I’ve been trying to take control of the situation too much, when making friends is something that just needs to happen naturally. Once you simply open yourself up, let your guard down and act naturally, making friends becomes quite easy. Don’t let the few people who’ve ridiculed or ignored you deter you from trying to meet new people. People who bully or ridicule others are simply trying to fill a void they have in their life by putting down others.

    Also, make sure you don’t have a set prototype in your head of what the perfect friend you would like to meet is. Friendship is often more about finding someone with a complimentary energy level or who creates a positive dynamic than finding someone who has similar interests.