Does anyone in urban areas of the USA date anymore?

  • italguynj

    Posts: 250

    Mar 27, 2010 6:34 PM GMT
    Maybe it's just in the NYC/NJ area but I have really noticed this trend of just hooking up, possibly being a 'casual friend' or nothing at all within the last 10 years or so. It seemed so much easier in the mid-late 90's to date than in the 2000's. Even when I go to dating sites, social events, parties, speed dating, bars, etc- it all seems a mirage for just sex or nothing.

    My assumption is that the increase usage of the Internet with its abundance of guys online have really fucked with people's heads when it comes to anything somewhat meaningful.

    I know I am not the hottest guy around but I do not think I am a zero either. So after 6+ years of being single, I ask you guys: does anyone else feel the same or is it just me?
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:00 PM GMT
    Here in Boston peoples seem to just be fucking around to. It is really ridiculous and quite awful and im really getting sick of it.
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:03 PM GMT
    Few people in gaydom date anymore. Did we ever date anyhow? Seems to me we have always just screwed any man on two legs. Let's be honest with ourselves. If we are all observing the same thing, seems to me that we are all the ones creating the situation we are observing.
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:07 PM GMT
    I'm sure the internet may have spoiled some individuals when it comes to dating or hooking up. As they say It's kind of like shopping at a candy store for some, easy access to so many good or bad options.icon_lol.gif

    However it also can be a great place to meet that special someone. It is possible just a takes a bit of time and gambling. Urban/city areas can be a little challenging due to then pollution and easy access to everything and everyone. But like you there are many out there who are looking for serious dating or LTR.

    Unfortunately you may have to look outside of you state/area to increase your chances of meeting someone for a possible dating. I've been doing that lately and it really helps. Just have faith, you're not alone so don't give up. There are many guys out there who prefer dating then always hooking up.

    In the mean time have fun meeting new people as possible friends and see where it goes. It's a good distraction.
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:09 PM GMT
    If you find out anywhere guys *are* dating, I'd sure like to know. :-(
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Mar 27, 2010 7:15 PM GMT
    I would describe the situation a little differently. I think people - both men and woman - are looking for and expecting that initial racing of the heart when they find the person they're looking for. Fewer and fewer people appear to believe you have to go out with someone several times before you know if there's interest on both sides. And not viewing someone as a long-term partner no longer seems to be a knock-out criteria in terms of having sex with them.

    Add it up and you have people who have sex with potential partners first and, if the chemistry is good, then go out a few times to see if it can mean something more.

    Does that make them immoral? Unworthy? Indecent?

    On the down side, I will agree that Western society seems to be moving faster and faster toward the search for the quick fix. Pages of criteria on people up front so we can evaluate and eliminate them as potential partners... (I mean, he put "curious" under "water sports"... gross! and calls himself an "alternative" dresser icon_rolleyes.gif

    How often do I hear, "I'm not into the bar/club scene" and "people who hit on me at the gym are perverts or assholes or at least show signs of poor breeding"? If they rule out every other possibility for meeting others, I have to assume online is the only possible venue left.
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:23 PM GMT
    I think that dating is the new word for hooking up and networking is the new word for cruising. (from what I have seen!)
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:27 PM GMT
    guidojock saidMaybe it's just in the NYC/NJ area but...

    It seemed so much easier in the mid-late 90's ...

    Even when I ...

    My assumption is that...

    ...does anyone else feel the same or is it just me?


    Be careful of taking your anecdotal, non-scientific, statistically biased sample of life experience and projecting it on the world in a grand, but unsubstantiated, theory. I see posts like this over and over here on RJ, and I know people think like this all the time.

    But in my somewhat harsh opinion, this type of thought process is only useful for one thing and one thing only: to give you a crutch to explain away a disappointment you're experiencing.

    If you were very religious, you might blame a wrathful or vengeful God, or some evil "anti-god."

    Reality is much harsher: it's a million billion trillion random processes -- each blissfully unaware of you. In other words, the world is what it is. You can view it any way you want. The world doesn't really give two shits about how you view it.

    The radically conservative Muslim will believe that all Americans are out to kill him, destroy his country and religion, and do unspeakable things to his women.

    The radically conservative American will believe that all Muslims are out to kill him, destroy his country and religion, and do unspeakable things to his women.

    The long-term single gay guy will believe that there's no guys interested in dating, or that everyone just wants sex now, or that guys in his particular city/town/burb/exurb/wilderness/country/demographic/etc. are all unsuitable for him, or that the world has passed him by and that he'd be fine if only everyone acted like it was 10 years ago, or 20, or 30, or if the Internet didn't exist, or if gay bars still existed, or etc. etc. etc.

    The happy coupled guy will think all the long-term single guys are somehow too self-centered, trying too hard, looking in all the wrong places, have "what I'm looking for" lists that are too long, or etc. etc. etc.

    In reality, it's none of these fantastical theories. It's a million billion trillion random processes. So, my advice?

    1) Keep trying.

    2) Don't worry about any time line (your 6 single years is going to seem really long to an 18 year-old, but inconsequential to someone like me, who was single until he was 46).

    3) Don't get into the trap of a false theory that only serves to make it harder for you to keep trying, or gives you an excuse to give up.

    4) Keep dating and relationships in perspective. You as an individual, and your future life, is also infinitely rich with a million billion trillion possibilities. Even if you had "someone special", you still would be exploring some of those possibilities all by yourself, like... ironically... a single guy would.

    Good luck, and stay happy. Happiness is a nice feature that attracts dates, I think. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:28 PM GMT
    Oh no man. It's not just you. West Hollywood/LA is the same damn way...no doubt. It's all about going out to the clubs, getting drunk and then finding a bedmate for the night. Whatever floats your boat I guess.

    I've found that guys closer to the age of 40 and over seem to be more willing to date. However, you could get lucky with guys 28 and above. That's just my point of view. Still, like you I have been single for quite some time, because I won't give into the temptations of "one night stands".

    Cheers to staying true! icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:31 PM GMT
    drypin saidI would describe the situation a little differently. I think people - both men and woman - are looking for and expecting that initial racing of the heart when they find the person they're looking for. Fewer and fewer people appear to believe you have to go out with someone several times before you know if there's interest on both sides. And not viewing someone as a long-term partner no longer seems to be a knock-out criteria in terms of having sex with them.

    Add it up and you have people who have sex with potential partners first and, if the chemistry is good, then go out a few times to see if it can mean something more.

    Does that make them immoral? Unworthy? Indecent?

    On the down side, I will agree that Western society seems to be moving faster and faster toward the search for the quick fix. Pages of criteria on people up front so we can evaluate and eliminate them as potential partners... (I mean, he put "curious" under "water sports"... gross! and calls himself an "alternative" dresser icon_rolleyes.gif

    How often do I hear, "I'm not into the bar/club scene" and "people who hit on me at the gym are perverts or assholes or at least show signs of poor breeding"? If they rule out every other possibility for meeting others, I have to assume online is the only possible venue left.


    I think Drypin's got it right. I haven't been single for a long time, but I have single gay friends in Boston and they have this complaint - and yet when they are going to meet somebody I say "good luck on your date" and the response is often "it's not a date, it's a 'meet and greet'." They don't want to hook up, they don't want to call a date a date, they think Grindr and Manhunt are trashy but never find any luck on a true dating site. It all seems so bizarre to me.
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:41 PM GMT
    I can't speak about the "NYC/NJ area" because I haven't lived there in a hundred years. Born and raised there, my ancestors coming there 350 years ago and founding towns named after them, Yada Yada Yada, this is an issue for today's gay men, not me.

    Except... I do wonder if this is limited to the NYC/NJ area? And is this a consequence of gays being denied marriage and civil union rights in most of the US? If your gay relationships are legally nonexistent, how seriously should you take them?

    I mean, they really don't exist, do they? They are an imaginary construct, with no legal recognition or value. So you are free to walk away from them whenever you want, right? Certainly there are no legal or social penalties for that. No more than when roommates part company, no court will get involved. Not unless you have joint ownership of something, or have co-mingled your funds in some way. Otherwise, you are free to walk.

    Can this be but another reason US Republicans oppose gay marriage and civil unions? Because we might stay together longer, and find more lasting and loving relationships? When you understand that Republicans want the total elimination of all gays, you will begin to understand the motivation behind the anti-gay laws that they propose.
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:41 PM GMT
    The term "date" doesn't even exist in Miami Beach.
  • italguynj

    Posts: 250

    Mar 27, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    Thanks IguanaSF for your respected insight. But please respect the fact that post was to place a question out there to the RJ community based on my experiences. If you have seen other similar posts, I can not account for that. If anything, it gives people the sense that 'something' is going on out inf this topic is being posted more than once. Feel free to email me if you want to chat. I am quite candid [and harshly honest as well] and would be interested in your point of view.
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:46 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidI can't speak about the "NYC/NJ area" because I haven't lived there in a hundred years. Born and raised there, my ancestors coming there 350 years ago and founding towns named after them, Yada Yada Yada, this is an issue for today's gay men, not me.

    Except... I do wonder if this is limited to the NYC/NJ area? And is this a consequence of gays being denied marriage and civil union rights in most of the US? If your gay relationships are legally nonexistent, how seriously should you take them?

    I mean, they really don't exist, do they? They are an imaginary construct, with no legal recognition or value. So you are free to walk away from them whenever you want, right? Certainly there are no legal or social penalties for that. No more than when roommates part company, no court will get involved. Not unless you have joint ownership of something, or have co-mingled your funds in some way. Otherwise, you are free to walk.

    Can this be but another reason US Republicans oppose gay marriage and civil unions? Because we might stay together longer, and find more lasting and loving relationships? When you understand that Republicans want the total elimination of all gays, you will begin to understand the motivation behind the anti-gay laws that they propose.


    Nothing is different in Boston, where homosexual couples have been allowed to marry for several years.
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:48 PM GMT
    muscles4muscles saidThe term "date" doesn't even exist in Miami Beach.

    Well, gay men no longer exist on Miami Beach either. I mean, REALLY... icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 27, 2010 7:55 PM GMT
    guidojock saidThanks IguanaSF for your respected insight. But please respect the fact that post was to place a question out there to the RJ community based on my experiences. If you have seen other similar posts, I can not account for that. If anything, it gives people the sense that 'something' is going on out inf this topic is being posted more than once. Feel free to email me if you want to chat. I am quite candid [and harshly honest as well] and would be interested in your point of view.


    I don't think it's fair for somebody to brush away your comments with a simple "it's the way the world is, deal with it." That's BS, in fact. He said "the world doesn't really give two shits about how you view it." But I do care, because let's face it... dating, love, sex all go through changes over the years, and it's an interesting discussion about the current state of affairs in the single world. The internet has certainly had a huge effect on relationships and relationship building, it should be no surprise that over 10 years we've seen a shift. For the same reason that, I believe, many more married men are coming out of the closet because of the internet (more access to exploring their feelings, or simply getting caught on "iwanttofuckmen.com" by their wives)... the internet has brought about that change. For example. Has it affected dating, too? Most definitely. What other factors have influenced that? Grindr? In what way has it changed? I think your post was a good one, guidojock.

  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Mar 27, 2010 8:00 PM GMT
    I live in New Brunswick, NJ. I have to agree with IguanaSF. You need to keep your head up. And you need to look in other places.
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    Mar 27, 2010 8:03 PM GMT
    Yeah I don't think it's just the urban areas, I think it's everywhere. I don't know if it's the internet or just gay guys in general but people don't seem to date. I'm not one to talk though since I'm only recently single. Maybe people are just commitment phobic and are used to "renting and leasing" before they "purchase".
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    Mar 27, 2010 8:05 PM GMT
    DjDorchester saidNothing is different in Boston, where homosexual couples have been allowed to marry for several years.

    And they break up as frequently as straight marriages? (Currently at 50%)

    Well, if so, I'm sorry to hear that. The majority of gay couples who form our own social circle here are all over, or approaching 20 years together. Including one whose 27-year gay marriage was legalized in New Hampshire. Indeed, we had drinks with them last night, and also with two other 20-year-plus couples last night, and ran into one of them them again while having breakfast this morning.

    I dunno. I see gay couples together for decades. I know other guys who dump BFs every few months, even at my age. And this is different behavior for men, both gay & straight, how? Men are men. Some are pigs, some are angels. Anybody wanna argue that?
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    Mar 27, 2010 8:08 PM GMT
    From my limited experience. The people who are long term oriented don't look for potential partners in the venues you mentioned. Not to say its impossible to meet someone who is looking for a long term relationship on dating sites, social events, parties, speed dating, bars, etc... The places mentioned seem to primarily cater to those who are looking for a quick fix and secondarily they may be open to other possibilities later.

    My first boyfriend turned into a relationship of 7 1/2 years I met him in a mall. I was 16.

    My second relationship was with someone I actually met on here... and I consider this site a forum/dating site. It didn't last too long about 8months, and he was chatting it up with someone else behind my back.

    Finally my current relationship, which just hit 1 year 7 months, I met him at a former place of employment.

    From what I have experienced it appears that if you meet someone in a "everyday setting" grocery store, mall, work, elevator ect and you catch each other attention enough to exchange information you have natural chemistry. There is more mystery and intrigue involved, and you gradually get to know them while spending time with them. The is no "reference sheet" to compare and judge their qualities to, and if they in fact live up to the qualities you deem valuable and attractive from this "reference sheet" We are all creatures of habits and sometimes we think we know what is best for us and we disregard everything else that doesn't conform to those beliefs. Potential partners may pass us by because we are set in our ways and do not want to take the chance of actually interacting with someone we know very little about.

    Perhaps its fear of rejection and in this age of information, a plethora of information about an individual (true or otherwise) is at your fingers tips and judgment can be passed before even actually interacting with that individual.
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    Mar 27, 2010 8:22 PM GMT
    guidojock saidThanks IguanaSF for your respected insight. But please respect the fact that post was to place a question out there to the RJ community based on my experiences. If you have seen other similar posts, I can not account for that. If anything, it gives people the sense that 'something' is going on out inf this topic is being posted more than once. Feel free to email me if you want to chat. I am quite candid [and harshly honest as well] and would be interested in your point of view.


    Hey Guido,

    Sorry if I rolled in one of my classic "rant-type" posts about all of RJ into your question, but your thread did trigger a long-simmering response (like, simmering over two years of being on RJ). And I am respecting your request for opinions: I thought your question was serious and I offered a serious response. So, lots respect all around icon_smile.gif

    I definitely wasn't attributing all of RJ's "issues" to you, and I perhaps I didn't make that clear enuf, but I always feel like I want to save folks from traps that I myself have fallen into -- which is, ironically, yet another form of projection. I'm all about irony, if that isn't painfully obvious by now.

    So, consider my response directed to: 25% me in my past life, 25% you in your current life, and 50% to the generic "nobody dates anymore" crowd on RJ.
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    Mar 27, 2010 8:28 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    DjDorchester saidNothing is different in Boston, where homosexual couples have been allowed to marry for several years.

    And they break up as frequently as straight marriages? (Currently at 50%)

    Well, if so, I'm sorry to hear that. The majority of gay couples who form our own social circle here are all over, or approaching 20 years together. Including one whose 27-year gay marriage was legalized in New Hampshire. Indeed, we had drinks with them last night, and also with two other 20-year-plus couples last night, and ran into one of them them again while having breakfast this morning.

    I dunno. I see gay couples together for decades. I know other guys who dump BFs every few months, even at my age. And this is different behavior for men, both gay & straight, how? Men are men. Some are pigs, some are angels. Anybody wanna argue that?


    You're the one who tried to argue that the lack of marriage equality for homosexuals has led to us putting less value on making lasting relationships. I simply said that gay relationships in my area, where we are allowed to marry, are no different than in other areas where you aren't allowed to. I have no idea what the divorce rates are, but yea a large number of gay marriages end that way. Including the two lesbians who led the fight to legalize gay marriage in Mass., they were one of the six or seven couples in the original lawsuit, and got divorced two years later. I'm not invalidating the marriage equality fight, which is a no-brainer to me, just saying that I don't think that it changes the playing field for single people.
  • oursirpeace

    Posts: 199

    Mar 27, 2010 8:38 PM GMT
    Yeah I would love delve into the minds of most gay men (those who don't wanna date) and understand where they come from. I'm sick and tired of meaningless dates that lead to nowhere.
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    Mar 27, 2010 8:46 PM GMT
    Em3ns said...Perhaps its fear of rejection and in this age of information, a c about an individual (true or otherwise) is at your fingers tips and judgment can be passed before even actually interacting with that individual.

    My late partner was 1500 miles away. Met him on AOL. Flew down to meet him, then he flew up to stay with me. Back & forth a few more times, enough to know what we wanted to do.

    My current partner: also met online, about 100 miles away. We've been together now for 3 years.

    The miracle of the Internet is that we no longer have physical boundaries. Maybe it takes a guy in his 60s to understand that, because I remember what things were like before. Once upon a time you only met whoever lived within your driving distance, whoever happened to be in a certain place when you were there at the moment. Now the whole world is a possibility, 24/7.

    I use it, I understand it, I exploit it, but I remain amazed by it. Unless you have one foot in another earlier world like me, you have no concept of how wonderful it really is.

    You wrote: "Perhaps its fear of rejection and in this age of information, a plethora of information about an individual (true or otherwise) is at your fingers tips and judgment can be passed before even actually interacting with that individual."

    That may apply to some, but not to me, I have very little fear, either about who I am, or about the men I meet. We either click, or we don't. Lots of misfires in my life, but I'm bulletproof. I always knew the right guy would come into my life, and he always did.

    Life wants to be good to us, if only we know how to let it. icon_biggrin.gif
  • italguynj

    Posts: 250

    Mar 27, 2010 9:05 PM GMT
    Thanks DJ icon_smile.gif