"Afraid" of love?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2010 2:36 AM GMT
    I finally got the guts to post something here, and hopefully someone will give some good advice.
    Basically, I know I'm really young, since I've just started college. But I've had the horrible experience of liking a straight guy in high school, who ended up hating me, and then another straight man my first semester in college.
    So now I feel very cynical, and feel like I don't want a relationship. At the same time, I think I'm just being in denial of wanting it.
    The problem is, I don't think the type of guys I like will ever like me. I'm not exactly good looking, or smart, or even fun to be around with. So I'm lost.
    So...anything from anyone?
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    Mar 28, 2010 3:33 AM GMT
    matey if you are falling i love with straight guys, no they are not going to like you the way you want them. But it can also be just as much a ind field in the gay world too.
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    Mar 28, 2010 3:40 AM GMT
    You have to remember that only ~10%, so they say, of the population identifies as gay... ...so your chances of finding a mate/partner/etc. are greatly diminished because of it.
    -It's not uncommon to fall for a heterosexual male...
    The only thing you can do is.... join your school's GSA and a build your network.

    LOL @ "I don't think the type of guys I like will ever like me. I'm not exactly good looking, or smart, or even fun to be around with. So I'm lost."
    ...and I thought I had bad self-esteem.
  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Mar 28, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    Hey man,

    Many, I'd even guess most of us, have fallen in love or long-term lust with a straight guy or ten. It's part of the bag-- we're attracted to men and, lucky for the ladies, there's a lot of great, charming, attractive straight guys out there. There's a lot of good-looking douchebags too, which might account for this guy that ended up hating you. Or it could be that you held onto a false hope that he might change his mind-- also tempting-- and pressed him a bit too hard. I don't know the story, so I can't say.

    I've often felt I was cursed, but hey, get to know RJ a little-- lots of great guys here of all kinds, and when you're here you don't have to worry about playing "is he or isn't he."

    Same thing is true of whatever gay social opportunities are in your area. There are gay kids at your school who are in the same place you are. Check out your school's GSA or gender studies or theater department or wherever; they're out there.

    I was out for two years before I met a single gay man who I was really interested in romantically. I didn't go looking, so if you do, you'll probably do better. As for your issues with your own personality and appearance and all that . . . own it! This is the person you are, so smile, post a picture, and even if you doubt the words that come into your head, just say what you think and say it loud and clear . . . you'll find your own natural wit and and a kind of fun that is yours, not some preconceived idea of what other people want.
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    Well. ho ho ho..gumbosolo is saying it! Go with it, Dead_Asches, at least we think you should..icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 28, 2010 5:06 AM GMT
    . . . look, you are at a time in life when it's really normal to encounter and fall for impressive, hot guys . . . i did . . .

    . . . oh the crushes i had back then . . . and i don't regret the crushes . . .

    . . . but this is also the time when you need to start creating your true self, building a body, and reading deeply so that there is a there there . . .

    . . . so, lick your wounds and regroup and plan for the next chapter . . . but be real with yourself and be disciplined . .
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    Mar 28, 2010 1:57 PM GMT
    Yes, I think we all have to be crushed by a strait boy at least once, it’s all part of the learning curve; lesson learned—hurt like hell, move on with experience.
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    Mar 28, 2010 2:04 PM GMT
    I am not the relationship type either bro.Deep down it may be because I dont want to get hurt either.For most the old adage "it is better to have loved and lost,then never to have loved at all" does apply, but not to me.Friends and friends with benefits work fine for me at this stage of life.
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    Mar 28, 2010 2:12 PM GMT
    Take a chance on someone actually capable of liking another man before you sell yourself so short!

    I use to be like you. I was so quick to put myself down because I was nerdy, skinny, introverted, silly, mostly a home-body, didn't party, just different from most guys my age.

    And I would fall for straight guy after straight guy and it finally got so discouraging that I just kind of said screw it all.

    Then bi and gay guys started coming along either by accident or me being a little more blunt and front while actively pursuing them and it changed everything. Granted just because they liked guys didn't mean they were going to like me, which I learned very quickly, but it was a start.

    And I found that the things I thought people wouldn't like about me, were usually the same minor quirks that would make men fall for me.

    So never go into anything question why anyone should care about you in the first place. I'm sure you have a lot to offer, just be patient and put yourself in situations where you can meet people like you is all.

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    Mar 28, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    Yes...Yes....again yes
    Halfstep said...

    And I found that the things I thought people wouldn't like about me, were usually the same minor quirks that would make men fall for me.

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    Mar 28, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    Dead_Asches, you're too young to be afraid of love, you have yet to have enough life and love experiences. Just take a step back, breath and allow life to come at you and enjoy it. That guy will come.
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    Mar 28, 2010 3:17 PM GMT
    Thanks for so much input guys, I really appreciate it. Still unsure of this whole thing, but I'll work on at least being more confident and putting myself out there.
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    Mar 28, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    the body of advice forming is on point:

    1) go for the gays by building your network.

    2) take time to learn from past flops and do allow yourself time to be sad and grieve a little (it is a loss, after all) but don't become a dweller

    3) love yourself -because if you don't, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?

    the most important thing i can contribute/expound upon is this: those LOOKING for love rarely find it. instead, find you. we (you and i) are both very young in the grand scheme of things which means we've got time. in my experience, i am attracted to guys who know who they are -be it smart, funny, adventurous, whatever -they know it and aren't afraid to show it. the same is true in reverse. so, find a passion, a friend group, a workout regimen and devote yourself to it. the rest will fall into place.

    -ryan
  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Mar 28, 2010 10:08 PM GMT
    Hey with a picture now! And Ryan up there says it very well.
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    Mar 28, 2010 10:12 PM GMT
    Live and learn bud. If you make the same mistake again falling and getting emotionally invested with another straight guy then well that sounds like a personal problem and you deserve feeling lonely b/c falling for another straight guy would be plain stupidity.

    Move on and meet a guy from this site or the many others. There is someone out there for you.
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    Mar 29, 2010 1:58 AM GMT
    gumbosolo saidHey with a picture now! And Ryan up there says it very well.


    Well I guess a picture is a start huh?
    And yes, I agree whole-heartedly with a lot of things Ryan said.