Becoming the third wheel in a relationship

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    Mar 28, 2010 3:05 AM GMT
    Just to summarize,

    I met him trying line dancing in San Diego, and something drew me to him. I gave him my number and left. We chatted a few times to find out that he has a boyfriend for 2 years.

    We chatted some more via SMS, to tell me that he broke up with his bf. I took it really personally cause I thought he did it for me. He was really mopey for 2 weeks, we got together once and I couldn't get him outta the mood. After those weeks, he got back with his ex (they were living together all this time).



    He really likes me and now we play on the same sports team, and last wednesday we hung out all night. We really like each other, we click too. He doesn't seem to want to leave his bf (who he's not all that into).



    I don't know what to do. Nothing? Just let it go and start being responsible and not get involved? or should I say something?




    PS his last relationship was with a girl that cheated on him 7 times, yes 7, and told him each time, only to stay with her. Can you say lack of assertiveness.
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:17 AM GMT
    careful dear, he might actually be happy in his relationship but excited about the newness of you which is causing him to wonder about his currant relationship that might be good but he might be finding a little boring because it's begun to lack the excitement that it once had when things are just starting.
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:20 AM GMT
    Well he got back with his ex, so that should tell you everything.
    Perhaps you should decide it's friendship, tell him so and why, and let it sail as that. This way, he knows you mean business, too. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:23 AM GMT
    you can never assume anything about someone else's relationship. All you can do is make assertions based on his actions, if he goes back to and stays with his boyfriend... he's not going to leave him.

    Yes, he could be different but you are taking a big chance if you are waiting for him to leave his bf.

    Voice of experience here and I had many other voices of experience telling me what I'm telling you... "be careful".
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:26 AM GMT
    Time for the third wheel to bust away and be a unicycle for a bit and let them be a bicycle.

    I've been drinking tequila tonight. Obviously.
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    Dude I would not get involved.. Be the guys friend if you want, but if he tried to make a move on me while dating another guy, I would stop him. If he wants to leave his guy in order to pursue you, he can be an adult and break it off with his other boyfriend.
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    ROFL dj! We're trusting that it was a great evening!
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:28 AM GMT
    KentuckyTuss saidDude I would not get involved.. Be the guys friend if you want, but if he tried to make a move on me while dating another guy, I would stop him. If he wants to leave his guy in order to pursue you, he can be an adult and break it off with his other boyfriend.


    Bingo!
  • chris_dallas

    Posts: 340

    Mar 28, 2010 4:30 AM GMT
    haha say dump him or this ends cuz wut u r doing now is kinda rong...
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:31 AM GMT
    meninlove said ROFL dj! We're trusting that it was a great evening!


    oh... Well *cough* I would hate to make this thread all about me so I won't answer. What are we talking about? Oh yea... Dump him.
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    Mar 28, 2010 4:31 AM GMT
    You've heard words of wisdom above from some of the smartest guys on this site: lilTanker, meninlove, and EasilyDistracted. There's nothing more I can add, except to say listen to them. So you do that, 'K?
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    Mar 28, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    Andre_SD saidJust to summarize,

    I met him trying line dancing in San Diego, and something drew me to him. I gave him my number and left. We chatted a few times to find out that he has a boyfriend for 2 years.

    We chatted some more via SMS, to tell me that he broke up with his bf. I took it really personally cause I thought he did it for me. He was really mopey for 2 weeks, we got together once and I couldn't get him outta the mood. After those weeks, he got back with his ex (they were living together all this time).



    He really likes me and now we play on the same sports team, and last wednesday we hung out all night. We really like each other, we click too. He doesn't seem to want to leave his bf (who he's not all that into).



    I don't know what to do. Nothing? Just let it go and start being responsible and not get involved? or should I say something?


    PS his last relationship was with a girl that cheated on him 7 times, yes 7, and told him each time, only to stay with her. Can you say lack of assertiveness.



    Andre experience with the kind of scenario you are having have taught me, that if one hangs around it enough not only is that acting like a third wheel, but in the end the one being short changed and getting hurt will be you. My friend life is too complex enough dealing with one's self, double that if you add another person in your life, and way crazy if you allow a third person in a love relationship. The guy is obviously using you as a bouncing ball! now after having said that if you are into that or even like the challenge then go ahead and see how far you can take it!? good luck!





    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 28, 2010 6:52 AM GMT
    thanks guys for the responses. I think there's a lot of truth to what you've all said. I'm gonna walk away from this.
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    Mar 28, 2010 7:14 AM GMT
    Andre babe...you're hot and gorgeous. You deserve to be the ONLY one with the attention. Be greedy just a little bit, and don't share what belongs to you and you only...
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Mar 28, 2010 7:15 AM GMT
    This seems to happen to me a lot as well. A guy comes up to me, starts to talk with me, says I'm so his type. Tells me he has been watching me all night at the party and knows what I like to drink and that I'm a vegetarian. We speak of how we are both relationship oriented, what kind of breakfast we like to cook, where the best place in the world is for italian food ....Then his BF comes over and I get introduced.......awkward.

    Obviously he is with the wrong guy if he can be so into you, but some guys just have a horrible habit of always choosing the wrong men. Run....or walk if you're wearing heels that day.
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    Mar 28, 2010 7:24 AM GMT
    Celticmusl said...., but some guys just have a horrible habit of always choosing the wrong men. Run....or walk if you're wearing heels that day.



    I mean.. I kinda agree but disagree for the most part. Some guys really take the whole 'opposites attract' thing too seriously and become rather possessive to the idea of something they know they can't change but would want to. Idealize per se. So it's not choosing the wrong men... might be to some, but to them it's the perfect guy to never be bored with. A new day is a new challenge. You get adrenaline rushes everyday you pass a day with him because in one way you managed to your tastes and goals with someone who does not share them with you. I don't know if you get me... but its not about the wrong guy...its about the wrong idea im saying...and If I couldn't explain myself, well all I know you'll understand is that if you ARE wearing heels and they ARE LOUBOUTINS Psh...Don't you dare run! Lol
  • dh__

    Posts: 143

    Mar 28, 2010 12:57 PM GMT
    this is pretty much what just happened to me!
    a month ago me and my bf meet this guy who we both really like. i tell him to invite him to hang out with us, but in four days he ends up saying he wants to give him a real shot at a relationship.

    Long story short, I like the new guy, still in love and heartbroken over my bf, who says he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me (3 year relationship btw)

    We've all talked and hung out before and all like it but my depression made me sick and now making me angry, so last night I got mad and told my bf that I need to avoid him so that I can move on and not grow to resent him for leaving me.

    it's such a mess. I love my ex, i like the new guy. My ex wanted to try working through it together, but can the guy that broke your heart really be the guy to fix it?

    Or should I just avoid him for months on end till i forget about him that way when i can see him again, there's less chance of me growing to resent him?

    I don't know such a mess.

    My advice should be don't get involved, but I'm was there encouraging my bf to stick to the decisions he made (giving the new guy a shot) and telling him we couldn't get back together for at least until I healed from the break up.

    I just don't know anymore.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 28, 2010 1:01 PM GMT
    I dunno maybe it's just me?

    But what part of .... He Has A BF that you don't understand?
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    Mar 28, 2010 2:10 PM GMT
    Good gosh, dh_. I think you should walk away from that situation you're in. Your bf decided to give a new friend a chance at a relationship with him? That's enough info to tell me you need to move on and leave those two to their own devices. (don't be surprised if the BF tries coming back to you if this one doesn't work out, or if he leaves you again the next time a new guy comes along).

    You feel very bad because of how much you love. Now let's look at how bad your bf feels about this....hmmmm...off with a new guy. There's no heartbreak in his remorse, is there?

    -Doug