In need of advice *urgent*

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 29, 2010 4:00 AM GMT
    I need some advice from an outside source. Im confused about my sexuality.

    Alright. I'm a 19 year old college freshman whos going through a major funk right now. I don't think I'm gay, but the thought is racking my brain. I think my issue is coming from a relationship I had with a friend who i'll call John.

    John and I were the best of friends since we were both ten years old. We would hang out every weekend. Drugs, alcohol, talking about girls we experienced it all for the first time together. Usually, we would end up sleeping at his house. We'd go grab sleeping bags from his closet and play playstation and talk.

    One night we were both 13 i think. I woke up facing john's back his sleeping bag opened towards me. I dont know why i did it. Maybe i was a bit cold. I reached into the bag over his chest and we spooned. He pushed back against me and it felt good to hold him. i fell back asleep and woke up with his head on my chest.

    Being an incredibly horny curious boy, I was on the internet constantly. I had read that alot of boys going through puberty experiment. I wanted to try it out so bad but i never did said anything.

    One night when we were "sleeping" i reached my hand into his boxers. I wanted to see how we measured up. He reciprocated on a few occasions.

    Fast forward 4 years. I didn't see much of John. He was always working and but we still talked when we both got the chance. I get a call from John saying he wants to hang out, get drunk and stay up talking like for hours like we used to.

    We both were pretty drunk when we decided to get some sleep. I asked if he wanted the couch but he said something like, "nah your couch is really lumpy". We didnt think anything of sharing a bed. It was just like a hotel.

    I had come to enjoy bein close to my best friend. I still never told him how i wanted to experiment and how since we were both getting older, I thought I'd lose my last chance. I reached into his boxers and felt him getting hard. I dont know why i did it. Looking back, i ruined the best friendship i ever had. I wanted to see what it was like to be fucked so i took some hand lotion from my nightstand and put it in my butt.

    I pulled down his boxers and backed up against him. It hurt pretty bad when he started to pump. It took him a few minutes to finish up and then he rolled over and moved away from me. His phone was vibrating constantly on my nightstand and it was getting hard to keep pretending we were both asleep.

    I said something. I dont remember what exactly. He jumped off the bed, grabbed his clothes and drove home drunk at 5 in the morning. We havent spoken since. Its been 2 years

    I dont see myself as homosexual. I just wanted to share what i thought was an important coming of age with my closest friend. Im really depressed right now and i finallly understand what it means to lose sleep over something.

    How are you supposed to know if youre gay? How? if possible can i try to mend the bond between us?
    Sorry for the long post.
    Really Confused
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 29, 2010 2:55 PM GMT
    First things first: Forget social dogma - being gay is not a bad thing. Once you fully understand that, it will be easier to deal with the feeling you're having.

    There are also a few guys who identify as "gay" because they're attracted to males more than females, yet they do not participate in nor enjoy anal sex.

    But most of all, remember the first line. The most difficult event in the life of a gay man is to come out of the closet...unless you're just ballsy like I was, and tell your gay-hater friends to fuck off. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 29, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    are you trollin us?? i want to believe you, but i feel as you're just another troll :L

    oh well, i tell you this, get over it & find yourself another guy or girl whatever floats your boat : o
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Mar 29, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    unfortunately, most of those ruined friendships can't be mended. it's not even necessarily because John might be straight/bi/in the closet, but rather sex can ruin a friendship even between two people who are openly gay. it complicates a lot, but i wish you the best with it.

    the bigger issue is you being ok with yourself. regardless of what sexuality that is (learn to drop the labels). fall in love with a person, man or woman. listen your heart. you might be straight for the most part but find a guy who is the love of your life or vice versa: just be with the one you want to be with, not the one you think you have to be with. also, do you have nonsexual feelings for men? that might answer some of your confusion. like do you want to kiss, be held, cuddle, etc... with other guys? if so, that's a strong hint you have an emotion and not just physical attraction to men. best of luck and contact me if you want to ask anything else.