I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO?!?!?!

  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Mar 29, 2010 6:55 AM GMT
    Alright, so here's the story. I met this guy at volleyball practice one day. Amazing guy and incredibly good looking. Him and I talk all the time, and he has a girlfriend. I could have sworn he was gay, but I guess I was wrong. WELL, then him and I have been chatting and he started to hint toward wanting to try something with a guy. He then told me he is probably more bi-curious than anything. He then told me that he wants to have sex with me but doesn't really want anything long term. Now I really like this guy, i dream about him and i cuddling all night and just being together. This is like a dream come true, have someone you want actually want you. But has a girlfriend and isn't looking for anything long term. Now I know the obvious answer from some of you which is, don't do it. Yeah I got that, I would have said the same thing if it wasn't happening to me.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 29, 2010 12:59 PM GMT
    You know what to do - actually what not to do - you just aren't listening to your head. Here's the thing, no matter how you slice it you are not going to be happy.

    You can listen to your head, avoid sleeping with a guy you know would be cheating, know it's going to mean more to you than him and have him totally break your heart and leave you miserable with a possibly pissed off girlfriend coming after you.

    Or, you can tell him you deserve to be with a guy who doesn't see you as a lab experiment and is emotionally available, move on and find a guy who deserves you.
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    Mar 29, 2010 1:19 PM GMT
    while physical attraction is always desirable, mental connection is what makes your heart skip a beat, why get involved in a situation that will drain you mentaly? Move on buddy, find the guy whos right for you
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    Mar 29, 2010 1:30 PM GMT
    tbakes18, this, "This is like a dream come true, have someone you want actually want you." strikes me as not really true. You want three dimensions; he wants two.

    -Doug
  • PatrickD81

    Posts: 69

    Mar 29, 2010 1:45 PM GMT
    I have to agree with what's been said. I've been in this same situation myself before. A straight guy I used to work with, told me he wanted to try something with a guy. At first, I was kinda flattered.

    But, when I started thinking about the situation, the more I realized how...negative the situation truly was. I eventually told the guy that I was looking for something more meaningful, and long term, and with someone that was actually gay and single.

    Needless to say, I haven't seen or heard from him since. You're better off finding someone with substance. The reason we all have dream and fantasy guys is...we know we'll never find someone that perfect. Best thing to do is get as close to perfect as you can. This is NOT that time.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Mar 29, 2010 2:00 PM GMT
    well 2 out of 3 aint bad have sex with him, it'll be fun... DON'T have sex with him if you know you're going to get attached.
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    Mar 29, 2010 2:16 PM GMT
    ha i say do it, he is a grown man...if he wants to get plown & to see how it feels like then do it. He trustes you from what I can tell, so be a good friend....better than him hookin up with a total stranger right?


    ps~who knows you might have that magical power to "convert" him lol
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Mar 29, 2010 2:19 PM GMT
    why does stuff like this never happen to me?icon_confused.gif
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Mar 29, 2010 2:19 PM GMT
    Niceguy89 saidwhy does stuff like this never happen to me?icon_confused.gif




    Because you are not the Chosen one.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Mar 29, 2010 2:20 PM GMT
    Totally J/k it's kind of like the lottery lots of people win it but you always hear them say I never win stuff like this, but your still like well you did. lol Get it or not really?
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    Mar 29, 2010 2:21 PM GMT
    tbakes18 saidNow I really like this guy, i dream about him and i cuddling all night and just being together.


    If you dreamed about getting plowed by this guy, I would say go for it. But since you dream about snuggling up and baking cookies together and stuff, respectfully decline. Then, go find a nice gay boy to get smushy lovie dovie with. icon_biggrin.gif
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Mar 30, 2010 3:34 PM GMT
    Thanks guys. Him and I talked about it, and we decided no mutually. But we did say if it happens in the future like next year or the year after and if he knows what he wants then awesome. Thanks for your advice.
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    Mar 30, 2010 3:54 PM GMT
    tbakes18 saidThanks guys. Him and I talked about it, and we decided no mutually. But we did say if it happens in the future like next year or the year after and if he knows what he wants then awesome. Thanks for your advice.

    Bah you should have done him. He is gay, gay, gay! He would have dumped the fish and the two of you would have been happy ever after.

    In the meantime, practice using the masculine third-person nominative singular. ... icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 30, 2010 3:59 PM GMT
    tbakes18 saidThanks guys. Him and I talked about it, and we decided no mutually. But we did say if it happens in the future like next year or the year after and if he knows what he wants then awesome. Thanks for your advice.


    You should have taken a step forward and be more extroverted and probably have a nice experience with him that could have possibly helped him to know what he really wants....but you didnt...and trust me, he'll just go try with another guy.
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    Mar 30, 2010 4:14 PM GMT
    hmmmm...charlitos, isn't there a big likelihood that this guy with a girlfriend would just see the OP as a learning experience? I think for many coming to terms with their sexuality, the first experience is rarely ever the last (as in settling down with the first guy you have sex with). icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 30, 2010 4:32 PM GMT
    meninlove said hmmmm...charlitos, isn't there a big likelihood that this guy with a girlfriend would just see the OP as a learning experience? I think for many coming to terms with their sexuality, the first experience is rarely ever the last (as in settling down with the first guy you have sex with). icon_wink.gif


    I know what you mean and its totally true but one way or the other the situation doesn't guarantee that this guy would settle with him. On the other hand its always nice to know that he was the first one in this guy's life and no just some random who probably doesn't even give a shit about him.
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Mar 30, 2010 5:08 PM GMT
    There's the conventional old "don't do it, he's just trying to use you to experiment with and you'll end up sad afterwards" answer. And it's true, maybe if you do something with him he'll be all weirded out and pull away and you'll be all distraught and stupid about it. And yes, you'd be a party to his cheating on his girlfriend, so if she found out and they blew up then you'd probably feel that weighing on your conscience.

    But here's another angle. If he's asked you to try something, then turning him down after he's put himself out there could strain your friendship just as much as if you said "okay." He could feel embarrassed, exposed, etc.

    Also, as far as his girlfriend goes: she might know that he has this experimental side and (while it's a long shot) support it, and endorse him sleeping with another guy if it sorts his shit out. Maybe she wants him to find out for sure before they get in any deeper, rather than spending years with the guy only to find out after her uterus has dried up that he'd rather be with another guy. Or she might have no idea, but if he's asked you it sounds like that relationship is precarious anyway. If he doesn't cheat on her with you, he might cheat on her with someone else to explore his bi-curious side. So the "other man" can be unwitting about it or he can know exactly what the score is- either way, she's going to end up at the same point, and I'd contend that the bulk of responsibility for it will be with her experimental boyfriend.

    So the way I see it your choices aren't just "do it and be miserable!" or "don't do it, move on and find someone else who'll make you happy!" Actually, you could do it and he could like it so much that he leaves her for you. Or you could do it and sure enough, he might be all awkward afterwards and you could drift apart and then you'd have that lost friendship getting you down... but you'd have gotten one good romp out of it, which is more than you get if you say "no, I can't" and he still gets awkward and you drift apart. And his girlfriend could either be fine with it or she could hate you; but if he's likely to cheat on her sooner or later, and she's bound to end up hating somebody, why not have your romp and let it be you? You probably won't have to deal with her long after their relationship goes to hell, if he's the only connection you have with her. Or you could say no to him and lose the relationship anyway. Or say no and continue to pine for him until he experiments with someone else, and then you're jealous, too. Or say no, back off and you probably get over him in time. Probably. Except you might always wonder.

    Call it rationalizing or call it a cost/benefit analysis, but I don't see where you stand to lose a whole lot more by having sex with your friend (like you apparently want to anyway) than by not having sex with him. If the friendship's depreciating either way, might as well maximally enjoy the value it still has before it tanks.

    add: I suppose before expecting any 'outlier' advice to be taken seriously I should 'fess up-- almost 2 weeks ago my bf and I fooled around with a 'bi-curious' friend of ours (I called him 'heteroflexible,' because he told me months ago he's done stuff with guys before and liked it- so it sounds to me like his curiosity's satisfied and now he's just occasionally semi-gay). And our friendship's fine- he's even said he enjoyed it and would be up for it again sometime- and me and my bf's relationship is as fine as it's ever been (even though we've been a bit of a mismatch the last 7 years). We'd been flirting with him for ages and then one night we ended up play-wrestling followed by supper, a bit of friendly massage, and then ho-boy... So I'm not talking total abstractions out my ass. It can work out just fine. It's very situational and dependent on the parties involved, so don't put too much stock in advice that just assumes constant, inflexible absolutes.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 30, 2010 5:12 PM GMT
    It probably would be tempting, but if you two have sex, it sounds like you will be placing yourself "out on a limb" since your already attracted to him. How will you feel if he tells you to "go away" or simply ignores you after you do it? Anything can happen. I think if you seriously consider it, you need to be prepared for the serious
    "potential negatives" as well.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 30, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    There's a definite disconnect between your wants and his wants. He wants sex. Nothing else. You want a relationship with him. That seems FAR from likely. It seems like he's being upfront with you. If you pursue this, you'd better make sure you check your emotional attachment at the door. If you're lucky, maybe he'll come back for more sex. But don't mistake this for him falling for you. I had the same choice in an early "pursuit." I went for it. I thought I could control my emotions. He was clear and consistent in what he wanted from me, but I still fell hard. Looking back, I'm not sure it was worth it given the toll it took, but they were lessons I had to learn.

    Good luck.
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    Mar 30, 2010 5:43 PM GMT
    Uggh. sometimes these forums are too conservative. The main issue is him cheating on his girlfriend. That's a no. But having sex with a guy you like and who likes you as much, even if no LTR will come out of it, is nothing to be ashamed of.
    It beats wondering for years what it would have been like. Nevertheless, you're a good looking guy. I predict other offers down the road.
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    Mar 30, 2010 7:44 PM GMT
    charlitos said
    tbakes18 saidThanks guys. Him and I talked about it, and we decided no mutually. But we did say if it happens in the future like next year or the year after and if he knows what he wants then awesome. Thanks for your advice.


    You should have taken a step forward and be more extroverted and probably have a nice experience with him that could have possibly helped him to know what he really wants....but you didnt...and trust me, he'll just go try with another guy.


    Then let that other guy be the one that he cheats on his gf with...

    I can't believe some of you. Yeah, he's hot and you want him, whatever...but he is still dating another human being who has feelings.

    How would you feel if someone did that to YOU? Good job for not doing anything. It's easy to melt in the thought of sex, but always place yourself in the position of the poor girlfriend who has no idea what is happening.