REALLY NEED ADVICE LIKE NOW

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2010 3:10 PM GMT
    As a lot of you know already, me and my ex broke up recently.

    The reasons as to why are a bit vague even to me sometimes, but mostly because of the fact that my boyfriend has always been out of shape and thus I've never had a lot of sexual attraction towards him.

    We started out as friends and I told him I couldn't date him unless he took his health more seriously, and he promised that he'd exercise and he'd lose weight. And he actually exercised for like a week. It showed me he was willing to do what it took to make us work.

    But by the time I left and came back from basic training, he'd gained even more weight. Whenever I mentioned it, he'd make me out to be shallow, to only care about looks and spent a lot of time feeling guilty and terrible.

    It finally got to the point where sexually he didn't do anything for me. I didn't want to have sex with him because physically I was repulsed by his figure and poor erections and then he'd get bitchy because he wasn't getting any which would make me bitchy too.

    I finally cheated one day, was honest about it, and decided rather than do it again, we should just break up. I didn't want to be that kind of guy.

    I still love him, I miss our companionship, I miss the stable environment we created together, but I can't be with a guy I don't want to have sex with. But he calls me today, says he loves me, he misses me, he's exercising everyday, he's not going to lose me, he wants me back in his life and if he hasn't made extreme progress by summer then I can break up without feelin guilty.

    And as much as I care about him, I don't think he can commit to it. And I question if it was unfair of me to ever ask him to change in the first place. Do move forward with this single thing, uncertain of whether I'll find a man that fits me, or do I go back to my relationship, uncertain of if my bf will ever truly fit me?

    I'm not looking at this situation right because i'm too involved. Looking for some outside opinion.
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    Mar 30, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    My personal opinion is you should love your boyfriend for who he is now, not who you hope him to be.

    If you are not into this guy because of his looks (ie overweight) then forcing him to lose weight just so you'll like him is not good. You'll resent him if he doesn't keep up his exercise; he'll resent you because you only love him when he's thin. Not gonna work out in the long run.

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    Mar 30, 2010 3:24 PM GMT


    Hey Halfstep... try this: Close those eyes, and imagine your ex, right now, suddenly fit. How do you feel?

    Often the lack of sexual attraction goes deeper than physique, just as sexual attraction in a relationship should be ( we think ) more than just physical.

    For example, when Bill says, "Doug! There's an eagle in the top of the tree in the backyard." or " Thanks for signing me up for Yoga classes." I get a peculiar electric thrill. Like butterflies in my stomach. I can't help it; I grin foolishly.

    I say this because Bill or I could have had any number of things happen to make us very unfit. Injury. Cancer. Either one of us, at any time over the 20 years could have had a paralyzing stroke, giving us lop-sided faces that drool (as an example). Would we still find each other attractive? Yes, because each of us holds a more than three dimensional perception of each other in our heads. We've never forgotten what attracted us to each other. We remember always, and those memories are as intense as the first day.

    Bill went through a period of being overweight. I had an illness several years ago that had me loose 30 pounds in a month! It took 2 years to gain it back.

    We never considered these ebbs and flows of physicality even remotely an issue.

    Perhaps what you're missing now is companionship?

    -Doug of meninlove

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    Mar 30, 2010 3:31 PM GMT

    As well, there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. icon_wink.gif

    I'm hoping some of this helps - it's not meant as criticism, and I apologize in advance if it comes across that way! icon_redface.gif

    -Doug
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    Mar 30, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    Halfstep said...I'm not looking at this situation right because i'm too involved. Looking for some outside opinion.

    You've already gotten some invaluable insights from meninlove here, our wisest RJ members when it come to this kind of advice. Plus now a little of my own, of an admittedly inferior quality:

    You are 21 and naturally restless. You are restless about life, you are restless about boyfriends, you are restless about yourself. And wisely, not yet sure you have seen enough of the world yet, nor of other men, to know for sure that any of this represents your life for the rest of your life.

    You may have lucked out a few years ago, and your ex may have been the best guy for you all along, that no man in your future would ever surpass. But you don't know that for sure, do you? Issues like his being out of shape may be just passing things, as meninlove has pointed out, but you just don't know, nor how important they really are to you.

    So yeah, you have a dilemma. All young men have your dilemma. Among our good friends locally here are gay couples who have been together since their earlier 20s, your age, and today they're close to our age, so you can guess how many decades they've been together at this point.

    Meaning it can happen, even at 21. If he's the right guy. If you're ready to close the door on other men, to open the door to only one man, permanently. If he's the right man. And how does someone at 21 know that?

    Tough choices. I think I sense your uncertainty, so in your shoes I would defer the decision. Don't sever contact with your ex, but do explore other options. Learn more, see more, do more. From experience comes the confidence to make good decisions.

    One day you will know. And what you know may be that this ex was right all along, or that he wasn't and someone else is. But until you can know that, make no decision. You aren't ready yet.
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    Mar 30, 2010 4:03 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    Halfstep said...I'm not looking at this situation right because i'm too involved. Looking for some outside opinion.

    You've already gotten some invaluable insights from meninlove here, our wisest RJ members when it come to this kind of advice. Plus now a little of my own, of an admittedly inferior quality:

    You are 21 and naturally restless. You are restless about life, you are restless about boyfriends, you are restless about yourself. And wisely, not yet sure you have seen enough of the world yet, nor of other men, to know for sure that any of this represents your life for the rest of your life.

    You may have lucked out a few years ago, and your ex may have been the best guy for you all along, that no man in your future would ever surpass. But you don't know that for sure, do you? Issues like his being out of shape may be just passing things, as meninlove has pointed out, but you just don't know.

    So yeah, you have a dilemma. All young men have your dilemma. Among our good friends locally here are gay couples who have been together since their earlier 20s, your age, and today they're close to our age, so you can guess how many decades they've been together at this point.

    Meaning it can happen, even at 21. If he's the right guy. If you're ready to close the door on other men, to open the door to only one man, permanently. If he's the right man. And how does someone at 21 know that?

    Tough choices. I think I sense your uncertainty, so in your shoes I would defer the decision. Don't sever contact with your ex, but do explore other options. Learn more, see more, do more. From experience comes the confidence to make good decisions.

    One day you will know. And what you know may be that this ex was right all along, or that he wasn't and someone else is. But until you can know that, make no decision. You aren't ready yet.


    thank you so much. You really hit the nail on the head. I just really don't know and my bf's been so certain all along since day 2 and there's always been this pressure on me to make a decision, when really I just don't know. I like having a partner, I love living my life with someone else, but I think I still want to have my fun too in the end. And maybe I should spend more time searching for people are ok with that.

    I love my bf to death, it gets worse each day and I get more and more depressed, but I'm not as certain as he is and thus I can't give him he wants. If i'm not certain, then I can't promise him certainty, I can't promise him an undying monogamous relationship when I still question whether he is the guy for me or not.

    I don't want people to think I'm shallow because the appearance thing is so important. I just don't deny that I need a well rounded foundation in a relationship, emotionaly, intellectual and physical. I got everything from my ex but the physical and it is tough when you're trying to make love to someone who can't keep an erection because they are so unhealthy, or when they touch you and they get goose bumps from how turned on they are by you, and you know they don't do the same for you, not even close.

    If I don't give him an answer by tonight he's not going to ever speak to me again. The thought of it terrifies me, I don't want to loose him. I don't want to have him out of my life, but i wish that we could agree on a more open situation until we figure things out. Maybe even just date again, rather than move back in together.

    He'd never go for it though. But I can't give him an answer, I'm not certain enough right now, about anything really. And because of that its not fair to tell him yes if i'm not even fully sure if these feelings will go away if he ever did actually loose weight.

    Deep down inside I believe that there is someone else out there that I would be fully content with, that I wouldn't feel a need to see other people at the same time with. But I really don't know.

    I guess for now I just won't make a decision and hope that he can at least appreciate me as a friend, back to the way things use to be. If not, I'd rather he just cut me off than I potentially hurt him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2010 4:10 PM GMT
    lol Halfstep, you're anything but shallow.


    -a hug from Doug
  • EricLA

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    Mar 30, 2010 7:10 PM GMT
    Tough choice. But, what it comes down to is being in shape is important to you, as is physical attraction, in a relationship. You seemed to give your partner plenty of advance notice that you were dissatisfied. And while it was wrong for you to cheat, you owned up to it. And you addressed the root issue and broke up with your partner.

    You can't change him. He can only change himself. It's great that he's now on the ball and losing weight. But it sounds like the ship has sailed. A relationship is about compromises, give and take. If he was worried about losing you, he could have made more of an effort to lose weight when you were together.

    It sounds like you do have regret about walking away from the relationship. Aside from his weight, how was the rest of the relationship? Was that the only big issue causing problems? If so, maybe you should give him a chance. If the weight was one of many big things, then you should probably move on.
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    Mar 30, 2010 7:12 PM GMT
    If I were in your shoes, I'd move on
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    Mar 30, 2010 7:26 PM GMT
    "If I don't give him an answer by tonight he's not going to ever speak to me again. The thought of it terrifies me . . . "

    well now we know he's smart -in the manipulative sort of way. ultimatums are an end game and extremely telling of things to come. he knows you're a catch and is willing to play dirty to keep you. not a good sign.

    also, i feel like your guilt over leaving him because of sexual repulsion shouldn't hold too much sway in your decision making process. healthy LTRs are rooted in physical, emotional, spiritual, and that-special-something-ual bonds. if y'all can't have a sexual bond because of his health then the relationship is going to be more tense than it probably should.

    bottom line: go out and see the world. i hear georgia is nice this time of year icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 30, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    If he's not making an effort, and he doesn't do it for you, and he's giving you ultimatums, time to get off the horse and ride a new one. Get rid of him.
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    Mar 30, 2010 7:58 PM GMT
    By your posts, I am formulating a scenario in my head.

    You two started off as gay friends. He really wanted you. More than just a friend. So he kept advancing and advancing until you caved. Even though you did not find him physically appealing (which is important especially when first dating), you gave in to your friend.

    This is not fair for either of you. You were pressured into a relationship, and he is falling in love with someone that cannot fully reciprocate.

    Once he had the option of getting you (losing weight), he put his foot in the door by doing what you wanted. Now that he had you, he could simply revert back to his old weight.

    This is deceptive. So is his ultimatum. Get rid of him. He plays games to get what he wants. I would cut off communication with him or he will try to get his foot in the door again.

    And here is advice: Don't cheat. Break up if you have doubts. Cheating is cowardly. Stand up for yourself.
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    Mar 30, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    Attraction is an important part of any relationship, so don't feel bad or shallow for raising the issue. I often notice straight couples let it all go, as soon as they feel their relationship is solid. Guys develop a beer belly, their wives stop putting on makeup, etc., etc.

    Both of you should make an effort to remain as attractive as you were when you first met. If more people did this, there'd be far less cheating. Your ex obviously cares about you if he's finally willing to do something about his weight. If this is the only issue that's bothering you, and he's working on it, then I say go back to him.

    If you don't think you'll ever be attracted to him, regardless of his weightloss, then move on to someone else.
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    Mar 30, 2010 8:50 PM GMT
    Warm fuzzy "love-me-forever" talk aside, you gotta stay in shape for yourself and your partner. If you are complete opposites and you got one guy looking in shape and hot and the other one moving the other way, that aint right.

    You're young. It doesn't do either of you any good to stick around if you aren't happy.