Threesomes

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 3:29 PM GMT
    So when I first started dating my bf well ex bf now, he said he could do threesomes and it was no problem. Then 2 years later we break up.

    Now he is telling me that he doesnt want threesomes but if he has to have them then we are not the bottoms and no kissing.

    I am unsure how to proceed and I feel betrayed that he lied to me at the start and now is throwing it in my face. I feel like it has been a waste of 2 years cause he has lied to me from the start.

    What do you think? Do any of you have threesomes in your relaitonships and how do they go and are there boundaries and what kinda boundaries?

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Apr 01, 2010 3:38 PM GMT
    3somes can be fun, entertaining and erotic...but only if BOTH guys agree on it.... icon_confused.gif
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    Apr 01, 2010 3:42 PM GMT
    Hmmmm....I think he was doing whatever he could to make you happy, and perhaps trying to go with the flow as monogamy is considered a social faux pas in many circles.

    This is similar to men that agree to monogamy and then find they can't do it. Yes it's deceptive but without any evil or intent to harm.

    Try to not see it as orchestrated deception but rather a willingness to try anything that would make you happy, even though it went against his inner feelings.

    That said, this is entirely your playing field now. He knew, after all, what he was getting into and agreeing to.
    He's at least willing to compromise, along with a few rules that aren't uncommon. What he needs to realize is that he's telling you he's accepting the way you are on sufferance, which is hardy healthy for a great relationship.

    Hope that helps a little.

    -Doug of meninlove

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 01, 2010 3:53 PM GMT
    I wouldn't say he lied to you. People's feelings about things change, especially in the span of two years.
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    Apr 01, 2010 4:31 PM GMT
    I don't understand what your problem is.

    When you were together he said he could do threesomes.
    Now that you are broken up he is saying that he would only do them under certain circumstances.

    Big fucking deal. He is your ex. Perhaps in your relationship he got to explore a bit about himself and his sexuality and he was a *gasp* different person than he was two years ago.

    There is a bigger problem I get from your post. You checked with him two years ago how he felt about the kind of sex you were having and then the subject didn't come up until you were broken up. There should have been a continuing dialog to make sure that everyone is happy with what is going on and to chart where the sexual relationship is going. Sexual relationships aren't contracts you sign once and are forever binding. They are (or should be) growing things that you nurture.

    If there was no discussion, then that was a much larger problem than someone having a change of heart about a particular sexual activity after you broke up.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Apr 01, 2010 5:32 PM GMT
    I don't think he lied to you, Can. I've seen threesomes break up other relationships. Threesomes require the ability to have really open levels of communication with each other. He obviously thought he could manage the emotions of seeing you -- or even himself -- being intimate with other guys. He's just being honest. He likes you and he's not fond of sharing you. You should be flattered rather than consider him a liar. But, if your relationship is to survive he needs to be more willing to express what he's going through and you have to be willing to hear him and empathize and both of you need to find a compromise that works for both of you. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 6:02 PM GMT
    can_duathlete saidSo when I first started dating my bf well ex bf now, he said he could do threesomes and it was no problem. Then 2 years later we break up.

    Now he is telling me that he doesnt want threesomes but if he has to have them then we are not the bottoms and no kissing.



    I don't understand. If you are broken up, what is the issue? Do you mean you are still FBs?
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    Apr 01, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidI don't understand what your problem is.

    When you were together he said he could do threesomes.
    Now that you are broken up he is saying that he would only do them under certain circumstances.

    Big fucking deal. He is your ex. Perhaps in your relationship he got to explore a bit about himself and his sexuality and he was a *gasp* different person than he was two years ago.

    There is a bigger problem I get from your post. You checked with him two years ago how he felt about the kind of sex you were having and then the subject didn't come up until you were broken up. There should have been a continuing dialog to make sure that everyone is happy with what is going on and to chart where the sexual relationship is going. Sexual relationships aren't contracts you sign once and are forever binding. They are (or should be) growing things that you nurture.

    If there was no discussion, then that was a much larger problem than someone having a change of heart about a particular sexual activity after you broke up.



    bump

    sounds like a communication issue
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 6:25 PM GMT
    We are broken up but he says he wants to be with me but wont be with me because of the threesome thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 6:45 PM GMT
    can_duathlete said
    I am unsure how to proceed and I feel betrayed that he lied to me at the start and now is throwing it in my face. I feel like it has been a waste of 2 years cause he has lied to me from the start.


    I don't think he lied to you. Do you always know 100% how you are going to feel about everything two years in advance? I wouldn't give him a hard time for this.

    You are not being betrayed, so get over that. He obviously loves you. He doesn't want 3ways because it would hurt him to see you with someone else. You should consider yourself lucky.

    He is setting a clear ultimatum (and clear boundaries if you do have 3ways). You have a simple choice to make.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 7:27 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to be a total dick, to each his own and everything but I seriously can't believe you even made a thread about this.

    You wanted to date a guy that only wanted threesomes, and now you're upset because you can't fuck with another random and your boyfriend...and you're mad because he lied about his willingness to do this...

    sorry but threads like these really make me remember why i dislike the libido...

    goodluck in finding your 3-some soulmate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 7:29 PM GMT
    I don't get it. So he no longer wants to do threesomes now that you've broken up? Could he just need a bit of time and distance to get over you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 7:31 PM GMT
    This post makes no sense at all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    personally I don't understand threesomes when youre in a relationship... but everyones different.

    Surely you can appreciate peoples feelings change over time and on top of that he probably cares for/ loves you a lot more now than he did when you first started going out
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 7:40 PM GMT
    The OP sounds obsessed by threesomes!

    Boyfriend wanted, must like threesomes....

    stay single!
  • awayfromtheci...

    Posts: 154

    Apr 01, 2010 7:56 PM GMT
    badmikeyt saidThis post makes no sense at all.


    Well Said! Could not agree more.

    Sounds like you have some fetish for threesomes over anything more meaningful in a relationship. Seriously??
  • chris_dallas

    Posts: 340

    Apr 01, 2010 8:52 PM GMT
    threesomes are the worst in a relationship
    i did it once and it was super awkward and the third felt the awkwardness and tension and didnt even enjoy it

    it creates jealousy and its not worth it...

    if you like slash love someone enough then tht person should b all u need...if u need to spice it up im sure u can do it in other ways
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 10:41 PM GMT
    chris_dallas saidthreesomes are the worst in a relationship
    it creates jealousy and its not worth it...


    Everyone is different.

    I liked having 3ways very much together with my boyfriend, not all the time but every once in a while. It was something that worked for us. There was no jealousy because we were both confident and secure. It was a mutual adventure, and it was HOT. The relationship lasted for 10 years.
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    Apr 01, 2010 10:42 PM GMT
    PAJohn saidYou haven't lived until you've had two hot guys slurping on your dick at the same time.

    Or one sucking your dick while another tongues your asshole.


    Or been the meat in the fuckwich!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2010 10:51 PM GMT
    chris_dallas saidthreesomes are the worst in a relationship
    i did it once and it was super awkward and the third felt the awkwardness and tension and didnt even enjoy it

    it creates jealousy and its not worth it...

    if you like slash love someone enough then tht person should b all u need...if u need to spice it up im sure u can do it in other ways


    Such wisdom from a teenager!

    sarcasm
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    I think a lot of you missed the actual question about the post. Do you have threesomes and what are you they like? What kinda boundaries? But you all focused on whether or not he is actually a liar. I feel lied to and betrayed by a jealous insecure person.

    I also think my ex is just so insecure that he wants to control everything. Even though I was committed to him he couldnt control the jealousy and doubt because I wanted to have the occasional threesome. And he has no desire to control it or learn to deal with it. He thinks jealousy is ok but it is a negative emotion and he needs to learn to deal with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    Threesomes: Yes

    Rules: We both have to be into the guy; the guy has to be into both of us; neither of us bottom; he doesn't stay the night; we only hook up once...no repeats.

    Works for us icon_biggrin.gif
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Apr 02, 2010 4:14 AM GMT
    Maybe you're just too confused about relationships to be involved in any type of relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2010 4:17 AM GMT
    Hmmm...are you sure it's jealousy?
    In my limited experience someone who's monogamous and someone who's not is simply about how they're wired. Both sides try to compromise out of love for each other. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

    In every open relationship I was in there were ground rules about what was OK and what wasn't. Lol, those were always broken at one point or another.
    As it turns out, my orientation towards monogamy was as fixed as my eye colour.

    If you have rules in an open situation, follow them truly.

    -Doug
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Apr 02, 2010 4:18 AM GMT
    can_duathlete saidI think a lot of you missed the actual question about the post. Do you have threesomes and what are you they like? What kinda boundaries? But you all focused on whether or not he is actually a liar. I feel lied to and betrayed by a jealous insecure person.

    Honestly, if you don't want us to focus on whether your bf is a liar, don't elaborate about how you feel lied to and betrayed!

    I also think my ex is just so insecure that he wants to control everything. Even though I was committed to him he couldnt control the jealousy and doubt because I wanted to have the occasional threesome. And he has no desire to control it or learn to deal with it. He thinks jealousy is ok but it is a negative emotion and he needs to learn to deal with it.


    You just answered your own question with this statement.