Post-sex remorse/regret

  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Apr 02, 2010 4:57 AM GMT
    Hey guys. I'm wondering if this ever happens or happened to any of you guys. I'm still learning to accept that I'm gay. I've made alot of progress but still have a long way to go.

    Anyway earlier tonight I met up with a guy for a hookup. It's been a little while since I've done this. So we go to his place, and we fuck like rabbits for a long time. It was amazing. Really great sex. The problem is that immediately after I came, I got uncomfortable. More like I freaked the fuck out and bolted. Literally scrambled to put my clothes on and booked it out the door to my car. I felt disgusted with myself.

    I really hate this. I feel like I've made such great strides, then this happens. Anyone else experience this?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2010 5:20 AM GMT
    SolidRanger saidI'm still learning to accept that I'm gay. I've made alot of progress but still have a long way to go.

    I suspect the answer to your question is in your own words. If you come from a background where gay sex was considered wrong, then you will have these kinds of reactions. They are not unusual, if you are in a mental tug of war.

    You could seek counseling, to reassure you that gay sex, and gay relationships, and even being gay itself, are perfectly normal and OK. I can tell you that right now that they are. Not sure you would believe me, though, just a guy online.

    The best I can do is tell you that when I came out, it was the most wonderful moment in my life. I have never been happier, never regretted it, never had a single doubt I had done the right thing. My life has never been better.

    I learned that happiness comes from living the life of the person you really are, not the person others want you to be. If that person you are is gay, then that's where you'll find ultimate happiness. Trust me on this. It's when we try to pretend that we get ourselves all screwed up and into trouble.

    Gay is good, and there's a support network for you, right there in Boise. If you can't find it yourself, we'll help you.

    Now you be proud of yourself, OK? You've been given a wonderful gift, that makes you special. It comes at a cost, as do all gifts in life, but this is the one you have, so don't fight it. As you grow into being gay, you will discover new strengths and abilities, talents you can use. Once you learn to accept yourself, gay sex will become a lot easier, too, none of this angst stuff. Just always keep it safe, 'K?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2010 10:00 AM GMT
    I've never felt that way after sex. I've also never had a hookup and have at the very least gone out on a proper date with a guy before doing the deed. I don't think there is anything wrong with hookups but I always felt that I wanted to know I at least liked a guy and could maybe be friends with him before having sex. Maybe it is because I actually liked the guys I have been with that I never had the post sex regret you described. That isn't to say that I have never been hurt in a relationship but I've never had that feeling after sex of wanting to bolt.

    To each his own, but you might find that if you get to know a guy first and find that you really do like him before you have sex with him, that you won't have the post sex regret.

    Hope this helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2010 1:33 PM GMT
    I had two experiences with two different guys. They were not hookups, we did have a couple of dates before ending up in bed first. But when it got down to actually doing the deed, they went soft. Didn't do much for my self esteem at all, made me feel kinda disgusting, even though it probably had nothing to do with me.

    One of the (many) reasons I no longer date casually and have sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2010 1:46 PM GMT
    I have before.... it will pass. Forgive yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2010 7:22 AM GMT
    . . . no need to repent . . . your religious background won't ever go away, but there are ways to mitigate the damage . . . the mask is a telling sign that you have been put down for a long time . . . but you will prevail . . .
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Apr 03, 2010 7:42 AM GMT
    It's okay, you're still in the accepting yourself process, once you do you'll want to stay and cuddle with him and then fuck again before you leave icon_wink.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Apr 03, 2010 2:44 PM GMT
    SAHEM62896 saidI have before.... it will pass. Forgive yourself.
    yes!!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 03, 2010 2:49 PM GMT
    SolidRanger saidHey guys. I'm wondering if this ever happens or happened to any of you guys. I'm still learning to accept that I'm gay. I've made alot of progress but still have a long way to go.

    Anyway earlier tonight I met up with a guy for a hookup. It's been a little while since I've done this. So we go to his place, and we fuck like rabbits for a long time. It was amazing. Really great sex. The problem is that immediately after I came, I got uncomfortable. More like I freaked the fuck out and bolted. Literally scrambled to put my clothes on and booked it out the door to my car. I felt disgusted with myself.

    I really hate this. I feel like I've made such great strides, then this happens. Anyone else experience this?


    Maybe you're just not cut out for anonymous sex like that and need to feel more of a connection with a guy.
  • _gingin

    Posts: 116

    Apr 03, 2010 2:52 PM GMT
    the only time lately was when i was upset with a guy i am dating for over half a year and then i got all fucked up in a club and i went to a sauna after that for some revenge sex.

    needless to say, i felt absolutely horrible, because 1.i had been exclusive to him all this while, although nothing has been laid out in black and white; 2. i don't go to saunas and 3. i had reason to believe my health had been compromised.

    i told him (the guy i am dating) what i'd done and that i should go get a pep done. and he was absolutely gracious to be there for me.

    but other than this incident, no never. post-sex is time to find out more about the other person, to cuddle or to sleep icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    Well, this seems to be about acceptance. You got the feelings,you've done the deed. Now believe that the feelings are right. I'd start on this site,come out to us. Post a pic of your face and tell us something more personal about yourself.
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    Apr 03, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    I also may not be about gay as much as it might be about true disgust of hooking up with a stranger. In the beginnings of my online life in the late 90's I found gay chat rooms and hooked up a few times back then, it grossed me out and I don't do that anymore and I feel just fine. So, it could be that "stranger sex" that is making you disgusted (even though the physicality may be exciting) it is still an intimate experience with a stranger, and that can be disgusting if you really think about it. Once you get off, the excitement begins to decline and all you are left with is maybe guilt and that same feeling you get when you have spent all day at the DMV?
  • mrcpu1

    Posts: 51

    Apr 03, 2010 3:43 PM GMT
    I definitely see Jesus in your pic.

    Its normal to feel 'dirty' after sex when you are just getting out of your shell. Relax, breathe - don't go in to the closet and close the door behind you. I don't know what the gay scene is like in Boise, but if there is a gay 'area' go to the coffee shop, get a cup coffee or tea and take in the atmosphere and relax. Get feeling comfortable around like minded guys icon_smile.gif

    Good luck!
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 03, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    peterstrong saidagreed - feeling like that after sex will be something u regret latter on in life when u get past that mind frame - I suppose everyone has to go thru it - but it still sux.
    Random stranger sex is a whole other issue - u could start by getting to know this new guy before u two do the deed - and don't rush off afterwards, you are both in the same boat after all icon_biggrin.gif


    Its a by - product of this current sexually repressed period in history - but it is getting better and at other points in world history it was not anywhere near this bad.
    At some points it was the opposite.


    Awesome pic btw, the best goofball prize of the year so far !




    And yet I'm completely amazed at how ignorant RJ members are in assuming we are all made from the same cloth, and that we all think and feel the same. I've had that feeling before and I've never gotten "past that mind frame" and in my opinion the only people that have are ones that can treat another human being as an object....a frame of mind I do not aspire to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2010 4:25 PM GMT
    I wonder if straight men go through so much guilt, angst and regret over hooking up with a woman for a one night (or 30 minutes) stand. Do straight men feel disgusted about themselves when they have casual sex as much as some have posted here?

    A sexually adventerous straight man is thought of as a Don Juan and even admired for his virility. A sexually adventurous gay man is thought of (by some straight/gay people) as slutty, disease spreading sexually obsessed men who live a "Gay lifestyle" and give gays a bad name. Is there a double standard for gay men that gay men themselves accept? I've even met other tops who think being a bottom is more slutty than being a top....eh?

    Why do some gay men feel extra "sinful" and "dirty" when they have casual sex? Is it an ingrained feeling becasue they are gay....and the associations people make with being gay promiscuity and HIV?

    BTW Gay men didn't invent sex parties, sex in public places,dark bars/clubs for sex, sex in the stairwell, behind the bushes, in the car, etc. Its been going on for ages ever since men was endowed with a powerful sex drive.

    Anybody can feel terrible after sex if they acted in ways that made them feel disconnected and uncomfortable with the person they were with.

    Sex is a normal, not a dirty thing. I believe it is possible to make love/ have good sex with a complete stranger and to feel whole, satisfied, happy,proud and beautiful about it after it is over even if you never see that person again.

    It all depends on how respectful you feel about yourself and the person you are with. The OP is young. Hopefully, he will have better times when he learns & trusts what situations work for him and what doesn't, no matter what other people do. But having a bad attitude towards sex in general is not healthy.

    I haven't gotten laid in almost 3 months ( except last night...icon_biggrin.gif) not because of no opportunities but rather because I didn't get the sense I would be happy with any of the guys....even though they might be the hottest creatures on the face of the earth. In a busy city like NYC, it happens to me at least 10-20 times a day.

    And yet, today I may be walking on the street and meet a guy and the feeling is good..and good things happen. And for a moment we may share something we will both remember years from now as supremely good.

    Be good to yourselves guys.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2010 4:40 PM GMT
    Let me guess.....you were raised Catholic?
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Apr 03, 2010 4:42 PM GMT
    If your religion had a lot to do with it you would have felt bad during or never done it period. Some of us are simply not built for hook ups. I finally broke down a few months ago after going nearly a year with out, and it wasn't till the next day that i wish i hadn't done it. But with that said we all do things and learn from them. Take a deep breath, chalk it up to a learning experience and try to do it differently next time. I would go with trying to get to know the guy first as a few people have already pointed out. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2010 5:04 PM GMT
    I understand. I'd like to say that I've overcome it, but I haven't completely done so. Every once in a while I need reassurance from my boyfriend or some friend in the gay community here that I am most certainly NOT going to hell because of gay sex.

    If it has anything to do with your life situation, then your religious upbringing will always be a part of you, and if it was anything like mine, as time goes on it will get easier, but there will be days where the guilt can pop up out of nowhere and those are the days where it is important to get reassurance.

    So what I'm saying is you should see a counselor or get a group of friends in the gay community that understand what you are going through, because most likely they have been through it themselves so on days like that, if you run out of the room, at least you can call someone and talk to them about it.
  • crewdude1

    Posts: 27

    Apr 03, 2010 5:06 PM GMT
    I agree 100% with KissingPro's post - especially this part:

    KissingPro saidIs it an ingrained feeling becasue they are gay....and the associations people make with being gay promiscuity and HIV?


    I think that hits the nail on the head. I believe a lot of gay men feel disgusted toward themselves when they do something that may fit the stereotypes gays have been painted with. Just as they do when they see others (fems, leather bears, drag queens, etc.) that they feel perpetuate the stereotypes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2010 5:40 PM GMT
    I've been there a lot myself. Usually the feeling linger for days on end after, if not immediately after.

    The last hookup I had really made me feel like a complete plie of crap and I haven't been able to get it out of my head.
    I would say to you, time heals all wounds. Just give yourself some time to reflect and view it in retrospect. Things are going to get better.

    maybe random sex isn't for everyone...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2010 5:51 PM GMT

    THIS!

    KissingPro saidI wonder if straight men go through so much guilt, angst and regret over hooking up with a woman for a one night (or 30 minutes) stand. Do straight men feel disgusted about themselves when they have casual sex as much as some have posted here?

    A sexually adventerous straight man is thought of as a Don Juan and even admired for his virility. A sexually adventurous gay man is thought of (by some straight/gay people) as slutty, disease spreading sexually obsessed men who live a "Gay lifestyle" and give gays a bad name. Is there a double standard for gay men that gay men themselves accept? I've even met other tops who think being a bottom is more slutty than being a top....eh?

    Why do some gay men feel extra "sinful" and "dirty" when they have casual sex? Is it an ingrained feeling becasue they are gay....and the associations people make with being gay promiscuity and HIV?

    BTW Gay men didn't invent sex parties, sex in public places,dark bars/clubs for sex, sex in the stairwell, behind the bushes, in the car, etc. Its been going on for ages ever since men was endowed with a powerful sex drive.

    Anybody can feel terrible after sex if they acted in ways that made them feel disconnected and uncomfortable with the person they were with.

    Sex is a normal, not a dirty thing. I believe it is possible to make love/ have good sex with a complete stranger and to feel whole, satisfied, happy,proud and beautiful about it after it is over even if you never see that person again.

    It all depends on how respectful you feel about yourself and the person you are with.

    I haven't gotten laid in almost 3 months ( except last night...icon_biggrin.gif) not because of no opportunities but rather because I didn't get the sense I would be happy with any of the guys....even though they might be the hottest creatures on the face of the earth. In a busy city like NYC, it happens to me at least 10-20 times a day.

    And yet, today I may be walking on the street and meet a guy and the feeling is good..and good things happen. And for a moment we may share something we will both remember years from now as supremely good.

    Be good to yourselves guys.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2010 6:04 PM GMT
    mrcpu1 saidI definitely see Jesus in your pic.


    LOL. That was great icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2010 6:08 AM GMT
    When I was 24, yes...not as much as when i was 20 or 21 (when i first really began doing the deed with guys)but its just one of those things that happens. It'll pass as you get more comfortable with things. Also, I was lucky enough to have a few guys actually calm me down and just chat with me, that made the whole "OMG I'm gonna burn in hell!!" thing pass.

    One thing I will tell you ,just to be nice, is that you should try to not let your freaking out show because the other guy is more likely to think that is something he did...and that's just not fair; especially if the sex was good and the guy was good to you in bed and otherwise.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Apr 05, 2010 1:18 AM GMT
    i have it too!