Girls...

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    Apr 04, 2010 3:55 AM GMT
    Ok, well, there's this girl in my biology class who I sort of like (yes, I said girl). She's really sweet, pretty, and we seem to have a good bit in common (both like the same type of music and enjoy the same type of activities). I learned from a friend that her ex did her wrong, so she doesn't have a lot of faith in relationships. My friend also said that she told her that several guys had tried to get her to hookup with them, but she wouldn't.

    Whenever I see this girl, my heart seems to skip a beat, I get a little nervous and start stuttering (ah I hate when that happens). We haven't really talked or hung out a lot, but the times we have have been really good. The only downside: my dick doesn't seem to respond.

    However, I've never really been in a real relationship with a girl. In elementary and middle school, I would have "girlfriends", and back then, I actually didn't think I liked guys in that way, but for some reason, in late 8th grade, something just changed, and since then, I've thought I was gay (or at least bi). In high school, I met this girl online who lived in Florida and we talked through most of my high school years. We talked about everything and would spend hours on the phone. We met once but didn't do anything (she knew I was gay, but she liked me in that way). Unfortunately, it didn't end well.

    I've fooled around with one girl and one guy. The one girl was one of my friends, and I didn't feel anything towards her (of course, not to be mean, but I don't find my friend really attractive). And with the guy, whenever he sucked my dick, it just didn't feel right to me (I don't know if it was his technique or whether I just really didn't like oral, I think the latter honestly). Well, he ended up just jacking me off.

    It just seems my dick is the only thing keeping me from having a relationship with girls. As I said, I have butterflies towards certain girls and can't help but stare, and I feel I've connected with a few certain girls, moreso than other guy, but anytime this happens, I shy away because I fear that if we try to have a relationship, it ultimately won't work.

    So, my question is what do you guys think about this? I can't help but wonder if I have a real relationship with a girl if my dick may change? I know some of you are going to say I have internalized homophobia....maybe I do. But I have told my parents, my sister, my cousin, and some of my really good friends that I believe I'm gay, so it's not like I'm really deep in the closet (I am in the closet to my grandparents who I love and a few other friends). I do feel it would be much easier to be straight especially where I live, maybe that's why I feel this way. I don't know. But as I said, I just have this feeling with this girl that I really don't feel with any other guy (at least not yet).

    Any feedback would be appreciated.
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    Apr 04, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    I know where you're coming from man, I am very close friends to two girls who I love, they are the most amazing people I've ever met. One of them just said the other day that we are soul mates haha. I have asked myself if it would be possible for me to date one of them and it was no, and I partly asked myself that because I knew it would be a lot easier than being gay. But I could never have a relationship with a girl because I'm not sexually aroused at all, even with those girls (who are absolutely SMOKIN' btw!). I wouldn't be true to myself.

    Now everyone is different, and I think sexuality is a grey area. You sound really confused, coming out as gay to your family and then saying you could be bi. If no girl gets you aroused, even this one, then it's likely safe to say that you are gay. But, if you want to try and have a relationship with this girl to see what happens, make sure you are upfront with her. Tell her that you have strong feelings for her, that you think of yourself as gay but have never been in a real relationship with a woman and if she's up for it you can see where it goes. I have heard of gay men meeting the right girl and being sexually compatible because the emotional connection was so great. But if you're looking for that "normal life", you know the one that society makes you think you want? Don't sacrifice who you are for it!
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:09 PM GMT
    MikeAP35 saidI know where you're coming from man, I am very close friends to two girls who I love, they are the most amazing people I've ever met. One of them just said the other day that we are soul mates haha. I have asked myself if it would be possible for me to date one of them and it was no, and I partly asked myself that because I knew it would be a lot easier than being gay. But I could never have a relationship with a girl because I'm not sexually aroused at all, even with those girls (who are absolutely SMOKIN' btw!). I wouldn't be true to myself.

    Now everyone is different, and I think sexuality is a grey area. You sound really confused, coming out as gay to your family and then saying you could be bi. If no girl gets you aroused, even this one, then it's likely safe to say that you are gay. But, if you want to try and have a relationship with this girl to see what happens, make sure you are upfront with her. Tell her that you have strong feelings for her, that you think of yourself as gay but have never been in a real relationship with a woman and if she's up for it you can see where it goes. I have heard of gay men meeting the right girl and being sexually compatible because the emotional connection was so great. But if you're looking for that "normal life", you know the one that society makes you think you want? Don't sacrifice who you are for it!


    Wow Mike, thanks for that great response! Yes, I do feel a bit confused still. It's just I didn't really have those "feelings" for guys until I was 14 (or at least that I know of, maybe subconsciously I did?). I hated my teenage years, even though I came out to my parents at 15, they thought I hadn't found the right girl yet, a lot of my great friends didn't know, and of course, I was in a school where a lot of kids were homophobic (they never found out I was gay). I stayed in the house most of those years, afraid if I showed myself too much, people would find out.

    After high school, things got so much better, especially the past year. I came out to some of my great friends and my cousin, and I felt things were going to be ok.

    But now, I'm confused again. I've had a few small crushes on girls (big crushes on guys), but this particular girl seems different than the others. For the past couple of weeks (especially this past week), I literally can't keep my mind off her. I don't really know what this means. I suppose it could be me just wanting to be straight and have that normal life like you said. Maybe it's because I just haven't found that guy yet either.

    I really appreciate your response. I'm going to try to get to know her a bit more. If I can build up the courage, I may try to ask her out on a date and see what happens from there (that would be extremely difficult for me to do though lol).

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    Apr 09, 2010 7:11 PM GMT
    I would say just roll with it and don't over analyze!
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:15 PM GMT
    BTW Josh...you are adorable! No wonder the ladies love you!
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:31 PM GMT
    What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Ya know, it is possible to like people as people, not just in sexual terms. I have a number of very close friends who are women, mostly lesbians but straights, too. No way we'll ever have a sexual encounter, and our liking each other doesn't imply that's gonna happen. And yet I am attracted to them: their appearance, their conversation, their intelligence, their charm, etc, but not their sex.

    To be crude, I like their personalities, not their pussies. And aren't straight men the same way, who form strong friendships with other straight men? They also like their personalities, not their pricks.

    There is also the Kinsey scale of sexual orientation. Our choices are not limited to just 3: straight, bi and gay, each distinct and separate from the other. The scale is actually an infinite continuum, and each of us can be any "flavor" of sexual orientation along that scale.

    Even more, I personally think we can "drift" a little on the scale during our lifetimes, moving more toward the straight or gay ends at different moments. It isn't a fixed & permanent determination, though neither do I think we can totally change from full gay to full straight, or vice versa, just slight shifts, perhaps due to changing hormones and other variables.

    I also believe in the "Peter Meter" to which you have already alluded. If your dick gets hard, that's a good indicator of what excites you sexually. If it stays soft, then sexual interest is likely lacking.

    Viewed as simplistic by some, but I contend a better indicator of a man's true subconscious feelings than we are often willing to acknowledge. If you get hard with a woman, sees where it leads you. If you don't, then become a non-sexual friend with her instead.
  • Mikeylikesit

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    Apr 09, 2010 7:36 PM GMT
    Wow....just live life!!...explore....That is the only way you will grow to understand your likes & dislikes...You may like women for friendships and get "limp" when you try to do their vah-jay-jah....LOL
    I'm sure at your age, a wind gust can cause an erection!! LMAO

    But just do it!
    icon_eek.gificon_lol.gif
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    Apr 09, 2010 8:02 PM GMT
    I think the way you wrote things out is superb and detailed; it definitely gives great insight into your mind and sentiments toward your female peer. I personally believe that human sexuality is a very complex and personal matter that should never be judged or heavily scrutinized by anyone at all! And that includes certain gay guys who believe that there is no such thing as bisexuality; I think there is. Though I definitely identify as gay, I have definitely -- even to this day -- note my eyes take second and third glances at women in a, "Wow, she is so hot!" Yet, I could never see myself intimately with women.

    But what you're describing is something much more personal and going beyond the physical. You're connecting with her at a more intellectual level while being mindful of her previous bad experiences with other guys. However, I can't help but wonder if you sincerely would be able to succeed at a more intimate level with her since you state that you don't get aroused upon seeing her. I'm sure your becoming aroused upon seeing a good-looking guy would happen more than with her, and so despite your genuine feelings toward this girl, you're likely gay.

    Plus, I don't think you would want to wind up dating her, leading her to believe that despite being a terrific guy, your not potentially responding to her physical attractiveness in an intimate setting would be a disappointment to her. Thus, you inadvertently becoming yet another unmentionable experience with a guy. I've learned long ago when a girl ultimately winds up being with a guy, she wants to be with "a guy," someone honest, decent, loving -- a heterosexual.

    Your best bet is remaining a solidly great friend to her and never losing contact in the coming years. Being who you are will be best for you in the long-run. And I won't deny what life could have been for me had I gotten involved with a female and had children, but being true to myself is best for me.
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    Apr 10, 2010 11:16 AM GMT
    i've had two female crushes this year (this month actually) which is amazing and mystifying. i lose my breathe when i see this bar girl in the city and i met this texan tattooed make up artist that blew me away. the attraction was way too intense and i hardly feel that towards anyone (male/female).

    attraction is attraction. it doesn't seem to be sexual, this could be something good in your life, a strong friendship. and getting to know her would help you understand what you're feeling for her. what is it about her that gets your attention?
    personally, i think asking her out might give the wrong impression because you're in a 'questioning your sexuality' moment, it might be difficult if you had to tell her you might be gay. friendship is something you can have together (and a good way to build to a sexual relationship) that wouldn't compromise your relationship with her until you gain a better understanding of where you're at at the moment.
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    Apr 10, 2010 11:37 AM GMT
    Dude. it is possible that you are attracted to certain aspects of both genders. Sexuality is a continuum, there are exclusive homos and heteros, but a lot of guys in between. It may just take time to work out what it is that you want from a man, and from a woman. That's the fun part.
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    Apr 10, 2010 12:01 PM GMT
    Josh, what you've described isn't atypical in my opinion. Sexuality usually isn't black and white - there is a lot of gray area. It sounds like you have pretty limited sexual experience so the best thing for you to do, is explore it, and see what you like. With this girl you are attracted to, it could be that you are just nervous or it could be you are attracted to her - just not in a sexual way; the same way straight guys sometimes have man crushes. I think part of the challenge with the current situation is that you obviously likes this girl a lot. Therefore, trying to take the relationship to the next level, beyond friendship, could ultimately damage the friendship if it doesn't work out. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained. My inclination would to be honest with the girl and tell her you value her friendship but would like to see if the two of you can be more than just friends. Be honest with her about your attraction to both genders. Maybe things will work, maybe they won't. But at your age, you probably aren't ready to settle down for the long haul anyhow. And even if it doesn't work out, although it could be ackward for a while, maybe the two of you can remain really great friends.

    Hope this at least gives you some things to consider.
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    Apr 13, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    Wow, thanks to everyone for your well thought out comments! I'm just taking things really slow right now and see what happens. I was in a long study group with her and a couple of other friends (did more talking than studying lol) and got her number, and we texted a while last night. I felt like we had a really good conversation. We may go to a drive-in movie this weekend (with a couple of other friends so it's not a date), and I'm planning on having an "end of the year" party at my house whenever classes end (which are only a few weeks away).

    We may just end up being good friends like some of you said, and that wouldn't be so bad either. I realize some of you said I should be upfront with her about my inclinations towards both sexes, especially if I plan on having a relationship with her. That's one thing I worry about. Yes, a lot of my family and good friends know, but not all my family and friends know, and I'm not sure how she would take it. I realize that if we end up being serious, I do need to be honest with her though; however, I'm trying not to worry about that now and just roll with the flow.