Homophobes

  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Apr 04, 2010 7:21 AM GMT
    I was hanging out with my buddy yesterday and we ended up going out with his boss. He warned me before hand his boss was a huge homophobe and was more than likely gonna say something offensive. I met him he seemed fine but sure enough he made several comments that would have pissed off most gay guys. None of them were directed at me (he didn't know I was gay), they were mainly directed at my friend (who is straight) making jokes about if he was gay. Anyways the question is, what do you do when you come across these people? Ignore them? Say something?
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Apr 04, 2010 10:00 AM GMT
    DrobUA saidI was hanging out with my buddy yesterday and we ended up going out with his boss. He warned me before hand his boss was a huge homophobe and was more than likely gonna say something offensive. I met him he seemed fine but sure enough he made several comments that would have pissed off most gay guys. None of them were directed at me (he didn't know I was gay), they were mainly directed at my friend (who is straight) making jokes about if he was gay. Anyways the question is, what do you do when you come across these people? Ignore them? Say something?


    I am pretty sure the guy sucks dick, behind closed doors, he's overcompensating for something.
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    Apr 04, 2010 10:47 AM GMT
    Hire male decoy to find out if the boss is gay. I wouldn't ignore his comments because I would ask him damn question?
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    Apr 04, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    It's important to know when it's ok to say something and when it's best to just let it go. In your situation, for instance,you could have harmed your friend's career if you had flown off the handle. I keep my mouth shut if I think fallout from a confrontation could harm someone I care about. So, I probably would not have said anything unless it got too far out of hand.

    But when that's not the case, I say something politely, without being confrontational. My goal is to educate them, not intimidate them. People stop listening to you if they think you're attacking them.

    Also, if a someone says something offensive, I never tell him "I'm offended" because then it makes the situation about me, rather than letting the focus fall on his homophobia. He might just think "This guy's sensitive," instead of thinking "I'm a homophobic asshole."
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    Apr 04, 2010 1:12 PM GMT
    I fuck with them icon_twisted.gif (no not literally)
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    Apr 04, 2010 1:33 PM GMT
    I glare. I literally STARE them down into submission. No words, just an icy, cold, unbelievably hateful glare.
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    Apr 04, 2010 2:09 PM GMT
    You sold yourself out when you agreed to go with your friend and his homophobe boss. Had you said to your friend that you would challenge homophobic remarks said by his boss I'll bet your friend would have de-invited you am I right?

    The better choice would have been to excuse yourself from going out with them in the first place.

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    Apr 04, 2010 2:23 PM GMT
    beneful1 saidYou sold yourself out when you agreed to go with your friend and his homophobe boss. Had you said to your friend that you would challenge homophobic remarks said by his boss I'll bet your friend would have de-invited you am I right?

    The better choice would have been to excuse yourself from going out with them in the first place.



    Ditto

    My friends or people that know me never bring me around Homophobes,because they know how I am around people like that. If I am ever in the situation that I'm around someone I don't know and they have a problem with gays I will usually give them a piece of my mind,but on the other hand; someones toes you step on today can be the ass you could kiss tomorrow.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 04, 2010 2:29 PM GMT
    I think in your situation you did exactly the right thing. If I meet a homophobe out on the streets or at a party I would just say "wow. hate much?". It really is all about hate.
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    Apr 04, 2010 2:30 PM GMT
    I tend to value my friends a little more than my own pride, so if my friend invited me I'd go and I wouldn't have made it uncomfortable for him by freaking out on the boss.

    sometimes a simple "ya, my brother is gay" puts a stop to further comments without pissing anyone off.
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    Apr 04, 2010 2:34 PM GMT
    If its a bad situation where I am physically in danger I keep my mouth shut. Otherwise, I would usually wait and let the homophobe say whatever he wants, give him enough rope to hang himself and then cut him down with a few choice words.

    And then tell him to get out of my sight and shoot a spitball at him.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Apr 04, 2010 2:55 PM GMT
    I find a LOT of gay men are all up for confrontation when there's someone in front of them they can be preachy and judgemental towards. Yet how many of those men would actually be willing to walk down the street hand in hand with their boyfriend? Even if it's not a crowded street, even if it's just the two of us.

    It's unbelievable how 'uncomfortable' wanting to hold your guy's hand can make him feel, but a large chunk of guys won't.

    That's what's in my head when I hear homophobic comments, or watch gays get all flustered and pissed off because of them. But dude...if you go to the zoo to see the skunks, and you see them, and they spray skunkjuice while you're looking at them (but not at you)...what did you THINK was going to happen?

    Skunkjuice is a given when you hang out with skunks...same with homophobia and the homophobic. If he's in his own element, surrounded by his friends and drops an f-bomb well...ya just eat it.

    If the man comes to your house and starts dropping f-bombs well, THEN you say something.
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    Apr 04, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    Soundwave saidI find a LOT of gay men are all up for confrontation when there's someone in front of them they can be preachy and judgemental towards. Yet how many of those men would actually be willing to walk down the street hand in hand with their boyfriend? Even if it's not a crowded street, even if it's just the two of us.

    It's unbelievable how 'uncomfortable' wanting to hold your guy's hand can make him feel, but a large chunk of guys won't.


    Thank you for writing that.
    you hit the nail right on the head.
    In fact, I would want my man to give me a big fat smooch......right before I verbally ridicule the homophobe and put him in his place.
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    Apr 04, 2010 3:07 PM GMT
    I would have said, "Excuse me but I do not like that kind of talk. Is there a way we can continue this dialogue without any offensive reference to (insert offensive subject)".

    I have not had any conversation that had derogatory comments about gays BUT I have encountered racists people who use the 'n' word and I tell 'em to knock it off or I'll excuse myself from the conversation.

  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Apr 04, 2010 7:01 PM GMT
    I wasn't even that offended. I felt sorry for him. I guess I didn't elaborate on how I handled the situation. Every time he said something my friend and I would look at each other and laugh like we had some inside joke. I'm pretty hard to offend. I don't usually take things personally unless it offends or is directed at someone I care about.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Apr 04, 2010 7:50 PM GMT
    I would say something to make him realise that you are either gay or dissaprove of his prejudice and make him feel uncomfortable, something like a sarcastic "good point, i'll let my boyfriend know about that".

    I always get a huge kick out of challenging people's bigotry, and if we don't apply conversational pressure they will keep getting away with it thinking that everyone is OK with that.
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    Apr 04, 2010 7:59 PM GMT


    1. Your friend could have said something to your boss and as your his friend I would think his priority would be your comfort-ability so why he invited you to chill w/ such an idiot is beyond. That would be no different than one of my friends asking me to chill w/ a co-wrkr that casually uses racist remarks and warning me of what to expect.

    2. Since a lot of ppl don't see the parallel between race and gay ignorance and the seriousness of stupidity, you were subject to what had to be awkward at best. challenging your friends boss might not have been the best thing to do as it could have put him in an awkward moment but then I ask what was he thinking?

    3. You did what you thought was best for you at that time but this post feels like you might have some regret. Don't. If this opportunity presents itself again this experience might be the catalyst for a much different response.

    4. Just remember to be smart and safe w/out jeopardizing your physical safety
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    Apr 04, 2010 8:00 PM GMT
    I think the only thing I would have done differently is prior to leaving, just be like "by the way, I'm gay" or something along those lines. That way you are leaving anyways, and he has time to think (and feel stupid) about his viewpoints.

    He needs to realize you can't spot a homo, we are everywhere. lol

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    Apr 04, 2010 8:12 PM GMT
    I tend to make jokes in situations like that, 'cause it's generally my way of handling situations where I'm uncomfortable.

    I'm kind of torn though.....as others have stated you could potentially jeopardize your friend's relationship with his boss if you chose to say something and on the other hand.....why is your friend aiding in the success of someone who hates you?

    Like, I'm glad that you guys could share and in-joke over the whole thing and that's cool that he's alright with who you are....I've just been examining my own idea of what it means to be a friend and an ally to people.

    My best friend is in the early stages of transitioning and I realize that as it progresses I'm going to have to step up to the plate, as it were, and not let transphobic comments slide, and really be the person my friend needs me to be right now.

    I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your friend, whether you're very close or not......

    I would just chose my friend's well being and safety over my job any day. No question.
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    Apr 04, 2010 8:24 PM GMT
    The correct thing is to consider your friend's career first. Yes, it would have been great to be able to say something to lay out the homophobic asshole and leave him feeling like the jerk he is. Your friend's career might have suffered and unless your buddy had another job lined up, it was wiser to say nothing. You were wise to handle it like you did.
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    Apr 04, 2010 8:25 PM GMT
    DrobUA saidI wasn't even that offended. I felt sorry for him. I guess I didn't elaborate on how I handled the situation. Every time he said something my friend and I would look at each other and laugh like we had some inside joke. I'm pretty hard to offend. I don't usually take things personally unless it offends or is directed at someone I care about.


    I'm curious to know what type of jokes/remarks he made...
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Apr 04, 2010 9:16 PM GMT
    It wasn't my friends fault, he warned me before hand and I said I didn't care.

    As for the comments it was just stuff like, "I have to wear a cup backwards working with faggots like this guy." (My friend) and "I don't let you around my kids because I don't want them turning into queers." Stuff like that.

    My friend told me he is bi but he's just extremely comfortable with his sexuality. Has no problem saying when a guy is attractive or even kissing a guy as a joke but he wants nothing to do with another guys dick. I told him that I'm pretty sure that makes him straight but w/e.
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    Apr 04, 2010 9:26 PM GMT
    As others said, for the sake of my friend I wouldn't say/confront the guy. I also wouldn't have any desire to hang out with the homophobe again. I would tell my friend though to never invite me to go out again if jackass homophobe is coming along - I just have no desire to be around people like that!
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    Apr 04, 2010 9:40 PM GMT
    DrobUA saidIt wasn't my friends fault, he warned me before hand and I said I didn't care.

    As for the comments it was just stuff like, "I have to wear a cup backwards working with faggots like this guy." (My friend) and "I don't let you around my kids because I don't want them turning into queers." Stuff like that.

    My friend told me he is bi but he's just extremely comfortable with his sexuality. Has no problem saying when a guy is attractive or even kissing a guy as a joke but he wants nothing to do with another guys dick. I told him that I'm pretty sure that makes him straight but w/e.


    lmfao.
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    Apr 04, 2010 10:08 PM GMT
    I debate them. And I win every time.

    I've debated some old friends who I used to hang out with (they're heavy into illegal things) and I could get them to say that they know when a guy is attractive (something not done with these folks, especially in groups) and that a lot of their problems are simply transmitted from their parents.

    It's about isolation of the issue as they see it and presenting it, curing it, with other perspectives and the liberal application of facts. It may not change their mind, but they at least know they're wrong.