how to have a long term relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 4:58 AM GMT
    well, that's a dumb question I know, so dude if u wanna be mean jus go away.
    to begin with, I don't have any long term relationship so far. The longest one I have had was one year and that was with a girl.
    The guy I'm kinda dating now told me "in the gay world dating is a whole different story, the first few u date jus can't work out." and it seems to be true cos guys I've dated jus wanna fool around.
    So any advice from folks who have a long term relationship?? THX!!
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    Apr 05, 2010 11:48 AM GMT
    kc524 said So any advice from folks who have a long term relationship?? THX!!

    What you're asking can't be answered in a thread post. It would have to be book-length.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 12:19 PM GMT
    The Quick Shortcut to How to have a LTR

    1. Be the type of person you are looking for...seriously!

    2. It does matter what you do when no one is looking

    rinse
    repeat
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 12:26 PM GMT

    Copulate

    Compromise

    Copulate

    Communicate

    Copulate

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 12:33 PM GMT
    The first step in being in a LTR is to not look for LTR material at 12:45 at night at the club, after a few drinks....from my personal experience, you don't find love in a bar.

    Im going on 7 years with my boyfriend and thats like the golden 50th anniversary in straight world. All i can say is, relationships arent easy, they take work, and plenty of honesty. Be yourself, so they fall in love with YOU. Oh, and Mr Perfect only exists in the minds of those whose relationships havent made it past the honeymoon stage...The real relationship starts when you are actually human and vulnerable around your boyfriend. Eric and I are far from perfect, but we love each other, and even when our fights are at their loudest, we still can't imagine a day without each other...

    There is no single path to finding that special someone; just keep your mind and heart open, you never know who will come around.
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    Apr 05, 2010 12:38 PM GMT
    Hey kc524, I've heard this same complaint "The guy I'm kinda dating now told me "in the gay world dating is a whole different story, the first few u date jus can't work out." and it seems to be true cos guys I've dated jus wanna fool around."

    ...from many straight men and women about their own experiences dating!

    -Doug
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    Apr 05, 2010 5:55 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidMen are sluts.....



    Celebrate!!
    ^^^this^^^
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 6:41 PM GMT
    Opposites may attract, but they don't stay together. You have to have more things in common than things that are different.

    You have to be willing to compromise equally. (That means that you BOTH have to agree on what 'equally' means.)

    You have to communicate regularly, openly and honestly. Every time either of you say "Well, I can't tell him that" it's another nail in the coffin.

    You have to be able to weather a storm together. This is the test of any relationship. It is the very thing that strengthens or weakens a relationship in the way it's handled by both. Think about it this way: If he literally lost a leg, would you stay with him, or conversely, would he stay with you if the situation were reversed.

    You have to be on the same page in life logistics. Finance, work, responsibilities, friendships, family, etc. This doesn't mean you have to be in the same place regarding these items, but you must fully accept each other's views, status, and ideas regarding them.

    If you think there are things about him that will change, that you want to change, that will need to change: get out now! The only personal changing that should be done in a relationship that you're responsible for is yourself. If you don't love him as he is, then it won't work. The corollary to that is that if he does change (and it isn't a self destructive action) then you need to roll with it.

    If the relationship doesn't seem great to begin with, it's not likely to improve. It can improve, but it's better to start with something good and watch it get better than to be in something mediocre and expect it to improve without a LOT of work from BOTH parties.

    It's far less about the luck in finding the right person than in recognizing that person when he's right in front of you (whether it's literally or virtually).

    Lastly, look at what makes your existing long term relationships (non romantic; friends etc.) work. This will tell you more about what you actually need versus what you think you want. Guys often have a wish list that doesn't include what they actually need. You can choose clothing by color alone, but without taking the size into account, you're going to end up with a lot of clothes you can't wear.
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    Apr 05, 2010 6:53 PM GMT
    bgcat57 saidOpposites may attract, but they don't stay together. You have to have more things in common than things that are different.

    You have to be willing to compromise equally. (That means that you BOTH have to agree on what 'equally' means.)

    You have to communicate regularly, openly and honestly. Every time either of you say "Well, I can't tell him that" it's another nail in the coffin.

    You have to be able to weather a storm together. This is the test of any relationship. It is the very thing that strengthens or weakens a relationship in the way it's handled by both. Think about it this way: If he literally lost a leg, would you stay with him, or conversely, would he stay with you if the situation were reversed.

    You have to be on the same page in life logistics. Finance, work, responsibilities, friendships, family, etc. This doesn't mean you have to be in the same place regarding these items, but you must fully accept each other's views, status, and ideas regarding them.

    If you think there are things about him that will change, that you want to change, that will need to change: get out now! The only personal changing that should be done in a relationship that you're responsible for is yourself. If you don't love him as he is, then it won't work. The corollary to that is that if he does change (and it isn't a self destructive action) then you need to roll with it.

    If the relationship doesn't seem great to begin with, it's not likely to improve. It can improve, but it's better to start with something good and watch it get better than to be in something mediocre and expect it to improve without a LOT of work from BOTH parties.

    It's far less about the luck in finding the right person than in recognizing that person when he's right in front of you (whether it's literally or virtually).

    Lastly, look at what makes your existing long term relationships (non romantic; friends etc.) work. This will tell you more about what you actually need versus what you think you want. Guys often have a wish list that doesn't include what they actually need. You can choose clothing by color alone, but without taking the size into account, you're going to end up with a lot of clothes you can't wear.


    very nice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 9:26 PM GMT
    dont fuck around with other guys & vice versa....and try to have as much sex as you can icon_cool.gif words of wisdom I knowicon_rolleyes.gif
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    Apr 05, 2010 10:33 PM GMT
    you both need to be ready for a relationship...Both of you need to be serious about having a ltr. Many a times one guy will kinda want a relationship and still mess around with others... And stop going out to the clubs... with time going to the clubs will tear you guys apart.

    You need to both spend alot of time together doing things together. It can be any random thing like walking the dog together, going out for a movie, going to a outdoor performance theater,anything as long as its together.

    And most importantly, you need to communicate. You can't hold anything in or else it will eat you alive and make its self known at a later time...
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    Apr 05, 2010 10:45 PM GMT
    - some of the guys mentioned some qualities already - communication is the key, compromise on different things, don't sleep around or cheat on each others, don't give in to temptations, have hobbies and friends to make your life more fulfilling. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 05, 2010 10:46 PM GMT
    Maybe this'll help.

  • VinBaltimore

    Posts: 239

    Apr 06, 2010 2:20 AM GMT
    I never really set out to have one and here we are just a few months from eight years together. I just took it as it happened and it just seemed to move forward effortlessly, like it was meant to happen (vomit!). Casual dating became serious dating became living together.

    We'd adhered to some of the advice above and completely ignored others. There's no road map (sadly), but you'll find your own way. Good luck to you!

    Vince
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    Apr 06, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    The best way to keep a man is to literally keep him in a cage until it's time to copulate.




    t4.jpg




    Oh! and a relationship is not supposed to be 50-50, it's supposed to be 100%-100%
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    Apr 06, 2010 12:37 PM GMT
    Coming up on 17 years with my partner.Happy?Oh hell yes.And I have
    absolutely no advice to give anyone.There is no secret, no 'magic bullet' and above all no road map.Can't imagine my life without him.Things change after such a long period and neither one of us is the same person we were 17 years ago.We're very different but we look at a lot of things realistically.And we argue-in a healthy way....and we still make each other laugh.And every single morning I leave a love note on the 'to do' list in the Kitchen.Thats not advice only our situation.
    One thing that does surprise me with a lot of gay men is how easily they give up.They seem to think men are like parking spots drive around and they will always find another one.
    Monogamy?...oh man I don't even want to touch that subject.Most of the Gay men I know that want a long term monogamous relationship are completely deluded.I only know of one couple who have been monogamous for 19 years. And they live on an Island with a population of 5,000 people.
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    Apr 06, 2010 12:50 PM GMT
    Stay together and don't die..... I guess.
    I dunno. I'm the last person who should be answering this question.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 06, 2010 1:01 PM GMT
    I hadn't even accepted my sexuality when I started dating the only guy with whom I've ever been in a relationship. That was over 11 years ago.

    You have to have the ingredients... trust, faith, flexibility, confidence
    and commitment.
  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Apr 06, 2010 1:03 PM GMT
    vanfreak saidComing up on 17 years with my partner.Happy?Oh hell yes.And I have
    absolutely no advice to give anyone.There is no secret, no 'magic bullet' and above all no road map.Can't imagine my life without him.Things change after such a long period and neither one of us is the same person we were 17 years ago.We're very different but we look at a lot of things realistically.And we argue-in a healthy way....and we still make each other laugh.And every single morning I leave a love note on the 'to do' list in the Kitchen.Thats not advice only our situation.
    One thing that does surprise me with a lot of gay men is how easily they give up.They seem to think men are like parking spots drive around and they will always find another one.
    Monogamy?...oh man I don't even want to touch that subject.Most of the Gay men I know that want a long term monogamous relationship are completely deluded.I only know of one couple who have been monogamous for 19 years. And they live on an Island with a population of 5,000 people.




    This man is telling it like it is. Oddly we do the love note every morning on the to do list on the fridge as well or a "I've gone to the gym, see you when I get back love xoxo"


    There is no guide book, no right way, or wrong way to go about a relationship. I think the only thing that can be said is that when you do get into a serious relationship remember to be honest but also remember this is the person you love so be respectful at the same time icon_cool.gif
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    Apr 06, 2010 6:29 PM GMT
    Wow! So much wisdom here! Thanks bgcat57!

    Except by chance, I don't believe you can have any decent, rewarding relationship unless you expect it to be long-term, and behave accordingly. Many don't turn out to be forever, but to expect anything less is a guarantee that it won't last.

    Since everyone's experience is different, here are the rules we used:
    1/ Accept each other. There should be as few rules, expectations, and judgements as possible. Let your partner be himself, and let him grow. Give him room to breathe. This is the true, deep form of compromise.
    2/ Whatever you do, make sure you are proud of it, open about it, and have no regrets. The harder, scarier, or more painful something is, the more important it is to apply this rule. This is half of the essential trust-building.
    3/ There is no such thing as too much communication. Again, The harder, scarier, or more painful something is to say, the more important that you talk a lot about it. This is the other half of trust-building.
    4/ Each partner must always take care of himself mentally and phyiscally, and carry his weight in the relationship. One can't carry the other forever - that just drowns both.
    5/ Every day, each partner should wake up and ask "is this the person I want to be with?" If the answer is yes, then he has to SHOW it. Every day. Never stop dating.

    Can't say I've followed these perfectly, but I certainly still believe them.

    bgcat57 saidOpposites may attract, but they don't stay together. You have to have more things in common than things that are different.

    You have to be willing to compromise equally. (That means that you BOTH have to agree on what 'equally' means.)

    You have to communicate regularly, openly and honestly. Every time either of you say "Well, I can't tell him that" it's another nail in the coffin.

    You have to be able to weather a storm together. This is the test of any relationship. It is the very thing that strengthens or weakens a relationship in the way it's handled by both. Think about it this way: If he literally lost a leg, would you stay with him, or conversely, would he stay with you if the situation were reversed.

    You have to be on the same page in life logistics. Finance, work, responsibilities, friendships, family, etc. This doesn't mean you have to be in the same place regarding these items, but you must fully accept each other's views, status, and ideas regarding them.

    If you think there are things about him that will change, that you want to change, that will need to change: get out now! The only personal changing that should be done in a relationship that you're responsible for is yourself. If you don't love him as he is, then it won't work. The corollary to that is that if he does change (and it isn't a self destructive action) then you need to roll with it.

    If the relationship doesn't seem great to begin with, it's not likely to improve. It can improve, but it's better to start with something good and watch it get better than to be in something mediocre and expect it to improve without a LOT of work from BOTH parties.

    It's far less about the luck in finding the right person than in recognizing that person when he's right in front of you (whether it's literally or virtually).

    Lastly, look at what makes your existing long term relationships (non romantic; friends etc.) work. This will tell you more about what you actually need versus what you think you want. Guys often have a wish list that doesn't include what they actually need. You can choose clothing by color alone, but without taking the size into account, you're going to end up with a lot of clothes you can't wear.
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    Apr 06, 2010 6:35 PM GMT
    DjDorchester said
    Copulate

    Compromise

    Copulate

    Communicate

    Copulate



    That works for me .... And Be 100% Honest .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 06, 2010 6:42 PM GMT
    There isn't a guide, every relationship is different.

    If it works, it'll be LTR... if it doesn't it won't.

    Never assume that you're getting into one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 06, 2010 7:41 PM GMT
    Im 23 and never had something close to a LTR...is that normal in the gay world?Im starting to think theres something wrong with me (my philosophy is not to look for anything,it will happen just like that)....
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    Apr 06, 2010 7:55 PM GMT
    vanfreak said
    Monogamy?...oh man I don't even want to touch that subject.Most of the Gay men I know that want a long term monogamous relationship are completely deluded.I only know of one couple who have been monogamous for 19 years. And they live on an Island with a population of 5,000 people.


    This is a forum and America, so yeah, freedom of speech and to share your opinion is welcomed, but regarding the above, you're wrong.

    Gay guys can be monogamous. Not every homo is consumed by sex and nor is it more important to every homo than the person they love. If you truly love someone, I mean TRULY, having sex with strangers is not something you need, or something you want. Sure, we all look and fantasize but NOT everyone acts on that. Some of u can look at our life and relationship and understand what's most important, and what really matters.

    Sure, open realtionships work for some people. I don't understand it, but if it works for you, great. However, saying that "Gay men I know that want a long term monogamous relationship are completely deluded" is simply an unfair statement to the gay community.

  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Apr 06, 2010 8:08 PM GMT
    TheIStrat said... a relationship is not supposed to be 50-50, it's supposed to be 100%-100%

    that is, seriously, one of the greatest statements I've ever read.

    a long-term relationship has a feel to it. it feels like it's okay for everyday not to be the apex of the rollercoaster ... it feels balanced and as though, with each given day, the two of you are reading each other more and more. he can almost predict your next move before you do it because the two of you have spent so much time just rambling out hopes, dreams, thoughts, doubts, and insecurities.

    a long-term relationship has a rhythm ... it has movement ... ebb and flow ...