Acceptance

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 9:17 AM GMT
    A little over a year ago one of my friends/roommates found out that I was gay when he found something on my computer. I feel like the incident made me take a hard look at myself and realize that hiding really isn't the answer. However, I have yet to tell anyone else, mainly because of fear how they will take it, but also because I haven't fully accepted myself. How long did it take you to accept and embrace who you really are?
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    Apr 05, 2010 9:25 AM GMT
    honestly, i think people should just fuck off and mind their own business when it comes to personal shit.
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    Apr 05, 2010 2:22 PM GMT
    I think it's an on going process. Are you referring to being gay? Some things like friends have always known from the beginning so it never was an issue with any of them. But family wise (more so my mum, aunts, uncles & grandparents), I haven't said I'm gay officially, I do skirt around the issue when asked about girlfriends ("I don't want one"), I feel that we haven't nurtured any close bonds growing up so I don't feel so attached to them to let them into my life in that respect which is sad. My family is a traditional Chinese family so there's a lot that's expected of me being the eldest in all my generation which I haven't fulfilled.
    I have no inherent problems being open about my personal life only with friends because they can understand what I'm talking about and my family would only raise the issues of marriage, culture, kids, disease and social stigma. I would like everything to be in the open but it would be a constant uphill battle and I'm tired defending my point as it always is (my job is not a proper job which gets me nowhere, body piercing will make you sick etc...). It comes down to me growing up in a western society living a western lifestyle against a generation of traditional Chinese values which doesn't understand what "gay" is and never will. I can live with how it is at the moment, though there's more pertinent personal issues for me.

    Coming out to friends is much easier and you might find that some suspected or knew all along and were waiting for you to accept it. And they are a good support system if your family takes it a bit harder to accept.

    There's a great book called Manhood by Steve Biddulph which has a chapter on Homosexuality from a parents point of view which I highly recommend and I'm sure there's a few coming out topics in this forum if you search for them.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Apr 05, 2010 2:23 PM GMT
    Definitely an ongoing process....icon_wink.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19133

    Apr 05, 2010 2:25 PM GMT
    It takes time...some longer than others...there are no rules other than to come out when YOU are ready. Just remember that your friends (the real ones) will stick by you -- the others don't really matter.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 05, 2010 2:30 PM GMT
    I knew since I was a very young kid. I knew in high school and made sure I didn't hurt anyone by just "playing" straight so I would never ask a girl to the prom or to a party. However, I had a lot of girls ask me to the proms and events and I would be their "surrogate" date if they couldn't find someone.

    As soon as I got to college, I was out on campus on day one. I joined Kent Gay Lesbian Foundation on campus almost immediately and became somewhat of a poster boy for the cause. I look back and although I'm glad and maybe even proud that I knew I could never lead a lie, I wish I didn't put so much pressure on myself so young and it would have been nice to at least have a little bit of time where I just felt like "one of the crowd".

    As with anything, the adjustment period is the most difficult. It is called "growing pains".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 3:54 PM GMT
    It's the greatest gift you'll ever give yourself


    Just be glad you're not green!!!

    icon_wink.gif
    It's an ongoing process just as it is for any human being.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 4:46 PM GMT
    tell you when it happens.... *sigh*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 4:50 PM GMT
    djl85 saidHow long did it take you to accept and embrace who you really are?
    When I finally realized that being in the closet is living a lie; and I no longer wanted to be a liar because it's against my morals.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 4:56 PM GMT
    After I figured out I was gay and started coming out, it was still a couple of years before I felt more or less totally comfortable with it. I agree it is an ongoing process. You'll find you get a lot of support on this site.
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    Apr 05, 2010 5:04 PM GMT
    It's an ongoing process that happens earlier for some than it does for others. For me, I've always known, but it took me the better part of 20 years to truly accept, be comfortable with, appreciate, and value my sexuality. Once you do accept yourself totally, there's a whole new world in front of you. Don't *expect* others to be totally ok with it off the bat...it's taken you ____ years to get this far. There's a lot of great support on this site...welcome, and good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    djl85 said...How long did it take you to accept and embrace who you really are?


    It took me several years to accept what I knew.
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Apr 05, 2010 5:26 PM GMT
    djl85 saidA little over a year ago one of my friends/roommates found out that I was gay when he found something on my computer. I feel like the incident made me take a hard look at myself and realize that hiding really isn't the answer. However, I have yet to tell anyone else, mainly because of fear how they will take it, but also because I haven't fully accepted myself. How long did it take you to accept and embrace who you really are?


    I went through a phase for about a year to where I didn't really care if anyone found out, but I wasn't going to tell anyone either. Then finally I told one person, and it was like a floodgate had opened, I started telling all my close friends, my boss (a good friend) and my family. Everyone pretty much loves me still.

    The one thing I made perfectly clear was that nothing had changed, to go on and still make the gay jokes. I don't want it ever to be awkward around me. I make gay jokes all the time still as well.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Apr 05, 2010 6:35 PM GMT
    I knew at 12/13, but suppressed it until I'd been at UCLA a couple of years. I just got fatigued with the closet. Coming out was scary -- I'm not a fan of rejection. But coming out was extremely liberating. Do you really need people in your life who are going to reject you because you're gay? Nothing else about you is different. It's their problem that they're narrow-minded, not yours. I didn't lose a single friend, though one or two relationships might have been a bit strained at first, things worked out. It took months to come out to everyone I wanted to, and when I was done I wish I'd been comfortable enough with myself to have done it years earlier. Living with all that weight was an unnecessary burden.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Apr 05, 2010 6:42 PM GMT
    chad_cro_cool saidhonestly, i think people should just fuck off and mind their own business when it comes to personal shit.


    agree!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 6:48 PM GMT
    chad_cro_cool saidhonestly, i think people should just fuck off and mind their own business when it comes to personal shit.


    agree also!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    Pianist said It took me several years to accept what I knew.


    What he said...except "several" for me was actually "many" ...
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Apr 05, 2010 7:47 PM GMT
    Kind of a similar story to yours, but it was my parents who found things on the computer. At the time I was devastated because it was in 8th grade, now when I look back, it made things sooo much easier. I never had to go through the worrying of telling them, or trying to figure out the right time and place. The same year I told my 2 best friends I was gay too. 8th grade was a big year for me. So I guess it was 8th grade that I came to terms with myself and accepted the fact that I aint gonna change LOL. You probably hear this a lot but it is true, if people aren't going to accept you for who you are, they arent your real friends. The people who stick with you through your hardest times are the people who really care and are true friends.
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    Apr 05, 2010 7:55 PM GMT
    chad_cro_cool saidhonestly, i think people should just fuck off and mind their own business when it comes to personal shit.


    I couldn't agree more, but certain types of personal issues within ourselves can lead to unhappiness and mental instabilty.

    I think you should be comfortable with who you are, be confident that what you are feeling is real and that it's okay to feel that way. I think I finally realized I was gay during my senior year of high school. Thats the time when I told myself I was gay. Within a year or so I started to come out. I took my time, told people I knew I could trust, then gradually started to tell people that I was scared to tell. After a while it becomes easy.

    Stay strong and do what makes you happy! I do however have to say that once you are free to live your life day to day not caring about "who knows" you will see a big change! It's a great feeling!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 8:54 PM GMT
    I told my parents a few days ago. Don't feel any different, no burden has been lifted, I'm not overflowing with joy or anything.
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    Apr 05, 2010 9:05 PM GMT
    If your profile is true, then you have already started to accept yourself. Acceptance for everyone comes at their own time.

    Live life to the fullest. Don't worry about others. YOU have to love yourself and carry YOUR own head high; NO ONE will or can do that for you.


    Best Wishes!
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    Apr 05, 2010 9:16 PM GMT
    djl85 saidA little over a year ago one of my friends/roommates found out that I was gay when he found something on my computer. I feel like the incident made me take a hard look at myself and realize that hiding really isn't the answer. However, I have yet to tell anyone else, mainly because of fear how they will take it, but also because I haven't fully accepted myself. How long did it take you to accept and embrace who you really are?


    The fear is in your mind's eye. In this country, you're not going to have too much trouble. Most folks don't need to know your sexual preference. It's honestly not a big deal, but, if you want to tell someone, tell them as if you consider it's normal (and, it is)....yeah, man, I prefer guys, and on to the next item. Quit worrying. If "they" take it the wrong way, you need new friends.

    Go spend some time on a ranch or farm. Watch animal behavior. Study up on Kinsey. You're not abnormal; quit thinking you are.

    Folks tell me..."Chuck, you're the coolest gay guy I know!" Well, thanks, folks. To me, and to my roomie, flex89, it's a non-issue. It's all about how you perceive, and present yourself. If you're guilted by false beliefs that there's something wrong with you, then, it'll show, but, if you come to like and ACCEPT yourself, others will follow. It's the way of things.

    For those of us who've never lived in the closet, it's hard to imagine carrying around all that BAGGAGE. To us, it seems quite silly, and, when you think about it with some common sense, you, too, will realize that it is.

    Understand, though, your sexuality doesn't need to be on your sleeve. Unless you're fucking your parents, they really don't need to know. Chances are they know, anyway. The only person that needs to know is the person you're getting it on with, and, in that situation, it's apparent.

    We tell folks, though, in an effort to tear down stereotypes. Not all queers are weird. Some of us are pretty darn "normal."

    http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/publications/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2010 9:52 PM GMT
    Thanks for all of the awesome responses guys.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Apr 06, 2010 3:01 AM GMT
    djl85 saidA little over a year ago one of my friends/roommates found out that I was gay when he found something on my computer. I feel like the incident made me take a hard look at myself and realize that hiding really isn't the answer. However, I have yet to tell anyone else, mainly because of fear how they will take it, but also because I haven't fully accepted myself. How long did it take you to accept and embrace who you really are?


    Honestly, I would have to say I've accepted it, however I have yet to work up the nerve to tell my family because I know it will not go well at all. I have a feeling that when - not if - it happens, I will either be disowned outright, or be tolerated - not accepted. I don't come across as being "gay;" most people think I am straight.

    I suspect that has precluded much of the speculation for most people and my family, but the fact I am very much pro-gay rights and don't date anyone (aka women) has my family on the suspicious side. It hasn't been easy, and I don't suspect my future days will be easier. As far as my friends are concerned, my 'legit' friends... not the people who just 'hang around' or coming running when they want something... know that I'm bi.

    My employers on the other hand, never knew. I don't intend to tell my future employer that I'm bi or gay, depending on the perceptive you want to view this situation - I live in a state that is notoriously anti-gay. My goal is to find a job so I can save up some $$$ so move away to a more gay-friendly state, be on my own, and to tell my family... it's their choice if they want to have anything to do with me after that. All in all, I feel fairly excited about the future, not terrified by it...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 06, 2010 3:39 AM GMT
    I would say its a process. I came out 2 years ago. I started becoming comfortable with me once I confessed to myself and others that I am gay. It FELT good. I felt like I could breathe for the first time. I still liked to do the same things, I still had the same goals, but I was allowing others to see a different side of me. I am finally getting really comfortable with who I am. Discovering what kind of guys I like, what I dont etc. A very good friend of mine said to me when I was fearful of coming out to others: Those that love you will stick by you no matter what and those that have an issue with who you are can fuck off. LOL, I realize it might sound harsh but its true. Why would you allow someone to be in your life that will not accept you for you?? I wish you the best of luck man. Remember that when one person shuts you out another one is waiting to let you in with acceptance. icon_biggrin.gif