Being DISCRETE = Closeted?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2010 11:34 PM GMT
    So I'm a believer of sex is between me and who I am having it with. Personally, the gay world as I learned is small and if your in a gay town, people know you from your profile at a sex site or because they have slept with you.

    To avoid this, I keep whom I've had sex with, to myself.

    Now, if I am having sex with someone and they are my boyfriend, then I will comment that we are physical to my friends who ask me about it.

    But if someone who doesn't know me asks me about my sex life, why should I answer?

    If you had Cancer, HIV, or a Tumor, if someone you didn't know asked you about it, would you answer?

    My sex life is my own business as far as I am concerned and if I choose to share it with my friends and family, that is my business.

    So why is it if someone at work as me if I am gay and I say, that is none of your business, it is assumed that I am closeted?

    If this is a person who I know I can't ask a favor of, why should I tell them about details of my life?

    I mean, if people ask you about your home life, your credit, and other personal questions, its OK to say, none of your business but if its about your sexuality, refusal to share means closeted.

    Why is this?
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Apr 08, 2010 1:08 AM GMT
    They're not asking because they're nosy, they're asking if you are available to them for some sex.
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    Apr 08, 2010 1:34 AM GMT
    BJBien1010 said...Now, if I am having sex with someone and they are my boyfriend, ,,,,


    Wouldn't "he" be more appropriate here, than "they"? I am all for gender neutral. But in a sentence wiht "someone" and "boyfriend." I think we can dispense with the political correctness and just say "he is." ... icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 2:02 AM GMT
    The word you meant to use is "discreet", meaning "prudent" or "circumspect".

    "Discrete" means "constituting a separate entity" or "consisting of distinct or unconnected elements". Wrong word for this topic. icon_smile.gif

    As for your question: no, I don't think that being private or discreet means that you are closeted. Being in the closet involves actively pretending to be straight. You don't appear to be doing that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 2:19 AM GMT
    I'm out but discreet. I don't go around announcing my sexuality or talking about my hot dates and sexual conquests... oh, wait, I haven't had any of those recently. Um, never mind! icon_cool.gif
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Apr 08, 2010 2:24 AM GMT
    yeah sounds like they want some latin ass...
    i like to keep it simple with guys. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 2:48 AM GMT
    For whatever reason, there are still people out there who seem to be offended (or whatever) by homosexuality. To me, that's like being offended at a hermaphrodite for being born that way. "Oh, I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with the way you were born." Really? Please...

    So, in that light, I think that it's sometimes smarter to disclose this kind of information - especially in the business world - when it's appropriate. Not everyone can handle it (or, is willing to, I should say?). Sometimes, as a minority, we have to take the higher road and work with people on their level. It sucks, but the reality is that there are people who will discriminate based on how you were born (i.e. my last boss told me that I was a waste of a man since I was gay.... and made my work life a living hell until the day that old bitch got fired for being an HR liability).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 3:03 AM GMT
    this is going to sound hypocritical, but i usually go with "don't ask don't tell." unless someone downright asks me, i don't feel the need to say, "oh, by the way i like dick." at the same time have no problem saying something like, "my boyfriend and i blah blah blah ..." in casual conversation, but i don't make a point to bring it up to encourage someone asking me about my sexuality. i also have no problem being seen with my boyfriend out on a date or at a bar, and i definitely don't feel like i need to hide myself. so i'd say i'm out but discreet.

    but if someone asks if you're gay and you tell them that that's none of their business, then they shouldn't assume you're closeted. you don't go up to people and randomly ask if they're straight, so i don't see why asking someone who might be gay should be an exception to the norm.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Apr 08, 2010 3:14 AM GMT
    Discreet has the problem that it's become a code word for many. These days, when I see a guy saying that he's looking for something discreet on a dating site, I assume that does mean he's closeted, and it's generally a deal-breaker for me. (On the other hand, when I see someone looking for something discrete, I generally assume he's closeted AND that he doesn't excel at verbal skills. I make that last assumption when people have issues with the difference between your and you're, too.) Merely being discreet doesn't make you closeted; specifying that you are discreet and you want something discreet also doesn't make you closeted, but it would make you appear closeted to many.

    There's nothing wrong with choosing not to answer questions that you feel are no one else's business. But the reality is, you don't get to choose how other people are going to interpret your refusal to answer. Since the overwhelming majority of straight guys will give a definite no when asked if they're gay, most people will naturally assume that a guy who refuses to answer is either gay or bi. So the question to you is, would you rather be annoyed by people making that assumption, or would you rather be annoyed by having to answer the question, or would you rather choose not to be annoyed by whichever route you take?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 3:38 AM GMT
    MSUBioNerd: Well put, as always! :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 12:02 PM GMT
    It's quite possible to be openly gay and discreet with your sexual activity. People can know you are gay. They just don't have to know who you are gay with.

    Many people make the obvious mistake of assuming that anyone who uses the word discreet is hiding something or is closeted. That's pretty narrow minded and rather limited of them (dare I say ignorant of them). For some it seems to be a deal breaker with them not even trying to know the individual and for others it's not even something worth thinking about because it's not a big deal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 12:07 PM GMT
    Being discrete= bad speller! But not necessarily closeted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 12:25 PM GMT
    There is more to being gay than just sex. Someone can be discreet and openly gay.

    If I someone asks me who I'm having sex with, I'd probably be discreet. If someone asks me who I'm going to marry in a few months, I'll tell them the truth.

    Being overally discreet about your gay sex life AND your gay relationships... in some cases... is the very definition of being closeted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2010 12:42 PM GMT
    MSUBioNerd saidDiscreet has the problem that it's become a code word for many. These days, when I see a guy saying that he's looking for something discreet on a dating site, I assume that does mean he's closeted, and it's generally a deal-breaker for me. Merely being discreet doesn't make you closeted; specifying that you are discreet and you want something discreet also doesn't make you closeted, but it would make you appear closeted to many.


    I'd add to this that discreet as a code word has become a multifaceted. It can mean closeted; it can mean he's looking for action on the side of an existing relationship; it can mean perhaps he is work-closeted; or it can mean he's shy. Who knows.

    Clarity in communication...now that's a winner.
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    Apr 08, 2010 12:52 PM GMT
    PAJohn said
    jashar1 said... that's like being offended at a hermaphrodite for being born that way...


    It's my understanding that the term 'intersexed' is now preferred to the term "hermaphrodite" which is starting to no longer be considered politically correct.

    For anyone who likes to read, may I suggest the 2002 Pulitzer Prize winning novel Middlesex by author Jeffrey Eugenides. The narrator and protagonist is a person born with intersexism which is not discovered until puberty. Quite interesting.


    Oh! Right... sorry about that. That whole thing came to mind because of something that happened last week... my very elderly and deeply southern grandfather called me and was trying to "relate." He said that there was a show he watched on TV about "hermaphrodites," and he was was starting to think that if people can be born that way, then people can also be born gay... which is a very big step for someone of that southern generation.

    Oh, and Middlesex is in my "queue" of books to read - I can't wait to read it! My mom read it and said that it was a fantastic book.
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    Apr 09, 2010 5:30 PM GMT
    If they ask you if you're gay, they are not asking for names of the guys you have slept with, they are just asking about an important aspect of your personality.
    It is one thing to keep your sex life to yourself and it is a different thing to have a problem with saying "Yes, I am gay".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    Being gay with an active sex life, and running a business, both have the same two rules:
    1. Don't tell everything you know.
    2. ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2010 5:39 PM GMT
    It's discreet.

    However you spell it, it's bad news in most cases. It's almost always a code word for a person who is dysfunctional.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 09, 2010 5:48 PM GMT
    You're not completely out or in, and many guys can't exactly fit either description entirely.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2010 5:57 PM GMT
    When I say I am a gay man, there is so much more to it than just my sexual activity. I would not have been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years now if it was only about sex. When a straight coworker talks about a movie they saw over the weekend, I might respond, "Phil and I saw that movie." I want to be able to discuss our vacations, the concert we attended, or the great dinner we shared. There is so much more to our life together than just sex. Straight people discuss their lives with friends and coworkers and by being open with my life, I enjoy the freedom of doing the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2010 6:03 PM GMT
    I've found the guys who want to keep things "discreet" are the ones who tend to have a partner, or have no ambition for anything more than just sex.

    I know openly gay guys who use the term discreet on dating sites as they only want sex but do not want anyone else knowing about it.

    The rest either have partners/gf's/ or come from the western suburbs of Sydney.

    I'm not obviously gay myself, and do not go for PDA's and all that sort of thing, but would never want a discreet relationship- I just want to open and respectful relationship icon_smile.gif