This is why I hate being in a relationship with a closeted man...

  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Apr 09, 2010 7:12 PM GMT
    His friends know he's gay, but his family and work colleagues do not (he's afraid he will lose business, which I can understand). He just won a free trip to Rome (along with other top sellers) among other things for being the nationwide top sales person for his company.

    He "can't" take me even though he wants me there. He is taking his sister. I am happy for him, but at the same time I am upset. I don't know how to handle this. I just talked to him on the phone and didn't really show him how upset I am at this whole thing.

    What the hell do I do? Just shut up and be happy? (I know, I know, I got myself into this situation)
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:24 PM GMT
    Don't look at the one trip you are missing. Think of all the time you do have him. And read all the threads on RJ by guys who wish they had someone.
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:26 PM GMT

    Are there anti-discrimination laws in Texas to protect gay employees?

    -Doug
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:34 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Are there anti-discrimination laws in Texas to protect gay employees?

    -Doug


    HaHaHaHaHa...Wait; your being facetious…hey!
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:44 PM GMT
    I dated a guy that had to make sure if we went out it was at least 60 miles away, so as to make sure he would not be sited having dinner with another man, because of course having dinner with a man means you’re gay.

    I put up with it for a short time because, hey, he was Hottie Hotterson. But when he forbade me from going to gay bars I ended it and learned from my experience.
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:45 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Are there anti-discrimination laws in Texas to protect gay employees?

    -Doug

    Such laws wouldn't help if customers just decided not to do business with him. They can choose with whom they do business.
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Apr 09, 2010 7:49 PM GMT
    Caslon14000 said
    meninlove said
    Are there anti-discrimination laws in Texas to protect gay employees?

    -Doug

    Such laws wouldn't help if customers just decided not to do business with him. They can choose with whom they do business.


    This! But the industry he is in is full of gays and they all do fine... I try telling him this all the time.
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    Apr 09, 2010 7:50 PM GMT
    Thanks guys...I was serious in my question ...hey I live waaaaaaaayyy up here. Trying to find info on Texas gay work discrimination was getting to be a needle in a haystack.

    So Dan, does your BF work in Texas? Because if he does, then I can see why your situation is happening. It's just the way it is. If he did take you and there was fallout, what would you say to him?

    -Doug
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Apr 09, 2010 8:01 PM GMT
    meninlove said Thanks guys...I was serious in my question ...hey I live waaaaaaaayyy up here. Trying to find info on Texas gay work discrimination was getting to be a needle in a haystack.

    So Dan, does your BF work in Texas? Because if he does, then I can see why your situation is happening. It's just the way it is. If he did take you and there was fallout, what would you say to him?

    -Doug


    I have no clue, I know he can't take me until he's ready to come out. I would never push him to come out. My last boyfriend tried to do that with me and I wasn't ready. (If I only knew how easy it was to come out to my friends and family, I would have done it years ago)
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    Apr 09, 2010 8:15 PM GMT
    OMG! You are in Houston. Have you met ShawnTX down there?
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Apr 09, 2010 8:18 PM GMT
    Caslon14000 saidOMG! You are in Houston. Have you met ShawnTX down there?


    Nope icon_sad.gif Sorry. Does he work at Saks? That looks like Saks 5 Ave. in the Galleria.
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    Apr 09, 2010 8:21 PM GMT
    meninlove said Thanks guys...I was serious in my question ...hey I live waaaaaaaayyy up here. Trying to find info on Texas gay work discrimination was getting to be a needle in a haystack.

    So Dan, does your BF work in Texas? Because if he does, then I can see why your situation is happening. It's just the way it is. If he did take you and there was fallout, what would you say to him?

    -Doug

    I think you have a rather melodramatic impression of what gays experience in the workplace in Texas. For the most part it's much the same as it would be anywhere else. We are very well represented in all the professions -- e.g., the mayor of Houston is a completely out lesbian. Most of us have few problems given a reasonable sense of professionalism.

    I think the OP's bf has problems of his own making and if i were the OP I'd be considering whether the relationship has a future.
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    Apr 09, 2010 8:25 PM GMT
    i'd be pissed.

    neither my boyfriend or I are any type of screaming queens, but we are both out to our families and professional collegues. There is no reason that you should miss out because he can't man up!
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    Apr 09, 2010 8:38 PM GMT
    Daniepwils said
    meninlove said Thanks guys...I was serious in my question ...hey I live waaaaaaaayyy up here. Trying to find info on Texas gay work discrimination was getting to be a needle in a haystack.

    So Dan, does your BF work in Texas? Because if he does, then I can see why your situation is happening. It's just the way it is. If he did take you and there was fallout, what would you say to him?

    -Doug


    I have no clue, I know he can't take me until he's ready to come out. I would never push him to come out. My last boyfriend tried to do that with me and I wasn't ready. (If I only knew how easy it was to come out to my friends and family, I would have done it years ago)


    "Sometimes" even when we feel we are ready for something, we really are not. So sometimes we do have to wait for that what we want, and when we are ready it will just happen. Like not looking for love and it finds you, because you was ready for it to happen; this applies to your boyfriend too. In a way I spent 20 years with a guy like this too. But I hope I would get to go to Rome now though.
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    Apr 09, 2010 8:40 PM GMT
    I suggest you let this one go... but after it's done, you should have a talk with him. He needs to hear that you aren't angry at him for not taking you on the trip, but you were hurt and it opened your eyes to how restrictive on your relationship his closeted status is. Time to reset things, in my opinion, so that you don't keep getting hurt every time this rears up. If he's unwilling to do it for you, then maybe........ painful as it is........ this may not be a long-term relationship.

    BUT... about the trip... yes, you do have to shut up for now since he's not breaking any rules. But use it to make changes down the road.

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    Apr 09, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    DjDorchester saidI suggest you let this one go... but after it's done, you should have a talk with him. He needs to hear that you aren't angry at him for not taking you on the trip, but you were hurt and it opened your eyes to how restrictive on your relationship his closeted status is. Time to reset things, in my opinion, so that you don't keep getting hurt every time this rears up. If he's unwilling to do it for you, then maybe........ painful as it is........ this may not be a long-term relationship.

    BUT... about the trip... yes, you do have to shut up for now since he's not breaking any rules. But use it to make changes down the road.



    I agree
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    Apr 09, 2010 8:47 PM GMT
    Daniepwils saidHis friends know he's gay, but his family and work colleagues do not (he's afraid he will lose business, which I can understand). He just won a free trip to Rome (along with other top sellers) among other things for being the nationwide top sales person for his company.

    He "can't" take me even though he wants me there. He is taking his sister. I am happy for him, but at the same time I am upset. I don't know how to handle this. I just talked to him on the phone and didn't really show him how upset I am at this whole thing.

    What the hell do I do? Just shut up and be happy? (I know, I know, I got myself into this situation)


    Yes. Shut up and be happy. He earned the trip, and would prefer if you went... but it's his trip so you should accept whatever choice he makes. Sometimes the smart choice isn't an easy choice. Just be happy you're with a successful guy who is taking his sister, rather that some "friend" you don't know ;)
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    Apr 09, 2010 8:47 PM GMT
    Daniepwils said
    Caslon14000 saidOMG! You are in Houston. Have you met ShawnTX down there?


    Nope icon_sad.gif Sorry. Does he work at Saks? That looks like Saks 5 Ave. in the Galleria.

    drop him an email on here. He is a terrific guy, and who knows, he may be able to advise you better with his familiarity with Houston. Tell him Caslon sent you. ... icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 09, 2010 8:48 PM GMT
    I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how he perceives his future. Is this going to be the way it is on a permanent basis?
    Don't tell him what you want, ask him how he views things down the line and between you two. Listen and keep your views to yourself. When your done ask him a few questions. You think about it. Is this your future?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 09, 2010 8:55 PM GMT
    I'm sorry, I just wouldn't be in a serious, monogamous relationship with someone who is not out.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 09, 2010 9:07 PM GMT
    JoeB1986 said
    Daniepwils saidHis friends know he's gay, but his family and work colleagues do not (he's afraid he will lose business, which I can understand). He just won a free trip to Rome (along with other top sellers) among other things for being the nationwide top sales person for his company.

    He "can't" take me even though he wants me there. He is taking his sister. I am happy for him, but at the same time I am upset. I don't know how to handle this. I just talked to him on the phone and didn't really show him how upset I am at this whole thing.

    What the hell do I do? Just shut up and be happy? (I know, I know, I got myself into this situation)


    Yes. Shut up and be happy. He earned the trip, and would prefer if you went... but it's his trip so you should accept whatever choice he makes. Sometimes the smart choice isn't an easy choice. Just be happy you're with a successful guy who is taking his sister, rather that some "friend" you don't know ;)


    This really is the tip of the iceberg. Separate family holidays, separate family get togethers and vacations, office chrismus parties, family funerals, baptisms, weddings.....pretty much any important events in life. He will have to come to a decision pretty soon about what is more important; living a lie, or living a life with someone he loves.

    I assure you, if you ever overhear him say to someone he is closeted to that he is "not dating anyone" or he is "single" it will be pretty devastating.
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    Apr 09, 2010 9:28 PM GMT
    Rome is an incredible city (assuming you mean Italy, not Georgia). You're getting screwed - and clearly not how you want to be ;)

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    Apr 09, 2010 9:59 PM GMT
    You're in a one sided relationship, his side. A relationship is only as good as it meets the needs of BOTH people in it. I can sympathize with his situation, but he should figure out what he wants before bringing another person into his life who can not share in it 100%,
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    Apr 09, 2010 10:00 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidI'm sorry, I just wouldn't be in a serious, monogamous relationship with someone who is not out.
    x2

    Although one of my FWB's is still closeted, but that doesn't count because it's not monogamous and we don't live together.
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    Apr 09, 2010 10:01 PM GMT
    Relationships are a LOT about sacrifices. If he makes you happy in everything else, this is a sacrifice you need to make for the one you love.