Confused Guy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2010 6:09 AM GMT
    Hi,

    I met a very nice Indian guy who is 29 and only been here in Australia for a short while, we enjoy each others company and seem to have a lot in common. We did have sex when we first met.
    Well I always try to be 100% honest with guys whom I like and said that I wished to continue seeing him and asked him if was he interested in casual sex and nothing else or would he be possibly be interested in having someone to care about with a view to a relationship between us in the future if all went well in the long term.
    He answered that he really did not know exactly what it is that he wants right now, but that he did like me a lot and wanted to see me again.
    Well I did not see or hear from him again for over a month and when he did contact me again, we met and had sex again,
    When I asked him why I had not seen or heard from him for over a month he said that he had been very busy and he just needed some space as he still doesn't really know what he wants in life and since then we have had sex a few more times together.
    I feel that I have been very understanding and given this guy the space he obviously needs to think about things I am trying hard not to rush into anything and I do not wish to put any pressure on this guy at all or to create the impression of being emotionally needy as I know that would simply drive him away forever.
    He has been honest with me and made no secret of the fact that he is meeting and having sex with other guys and I have also made it clear that I am also meeting up with other guys and keeping my options open too.
    He has told me that he is still very confused and simply can not decide what it is he wants and this is why he is still having sex with other guys as well as me, he tells that he really likes me but has once again asked me to give him more space.
    It has now been about 3 months since first meeting him and now I find my patience is wearing thin. I really like this guy and have tried hard not to rush into anything or be pushy with him, do you think I should give up or just give him extra time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2010 6:20 AM GMT
    He wants FWB's.
    If you're wanting a monogamous LTR, let him go.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Apr 11, 2010 6:23 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidHe wants FWB's.
    If you're wanting a monogamous LTR, let him go.


    fwb?
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Apr 11, 2010 6:38 AM GMT
    Delivis said
    paulflexes saidHe wants FWB's.
    If you're wanting a monogamous LTR, let him go.


    fwb?


    Friends with benefits I believe
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2010 9:48 AM GMT
    Hi,

    I have very recently spoken to another person who is a friend of this Indian guy in a non sexual way and he believes that because of the fact that homosexuality is still very much taboo in India the guys in that country are in general not interested in lasting relationships or find that are very difficult to form and maintain and instead rely upon discreet meetings with others for sexual satisfaction.

    I now believe that this guy is obviously accustomed to living his life that way and that he has bought his emotional baggage with him when he recently emigrated to Australia.

    I find this to be sadly disappointing because I have always found Indian guys are very attractive to me. They are polite, respectful and usually have much better manners than many Australian guys I have met. They are usually sensitive to other peoples feelings, restrained, compliant and try to create the best impression and are eager to please.

    However they are not always forthcoming with the truth because they don't wish to offend and I now realise that he only wants me as a f*ck buddy and that asking for me to give him more space was his tactful way of keeping the status quo and avoiding any form of emotional involvement without causing any offence to me.

    I now feel that it is better for me to take a firm stand and state that I am not capable of enduring of this situation any longer because things are simply not going to improve at all unless he has a complete change of heart and is willing to take a chance on love. But I don't think he is capable of a mature relationship at this point in time after what his friend told me about his Indian cultural background and emotional baggage.

    It is likely that he will be surprised when I tell him that I wish to sever all connections with him and I believe that he will try hard to persuade me not to do this in an attempt to keep things as they are.

    I will try do my best to resist his very persuasive charm and seductive ways, I only regret that I did not know more about his Indian cultural background and how this has apparently crippled his emotional growth and maturity and I am also sorry that I was foolish enough to have not recognised the warning signs at a much earlier stage.
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    Apr 11, 2010 11:50 AM GMT
    Tutty said...and I am also sorry that I was foolish enough to have not recognised the warning signs at a much earlier stage.


    words to live by.
    don't be so hard on yourself, we have all been there--learn and move on.
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:14 PM GMT
    Hi,

    I am trying not to be hard on myself, but my main problem in life is that I am now 40+ and my once good looks are now vanishing fast. Most gay men are only interested in hot young guys in their 20s or 30s and simply wont give an older man a second look. This is despite the fact I have a good personality, wide range of interests, good well paid job, have a warm loving heart and try to be very tolerant of other peoples character flaws etc.

    I find myself increasingly isolated and lonely. I do try to get on with life as usual and avoid focusing on my own issues. I do try and socialise with other gay men on a regular basis and enjoy myself as much as possible.

    But when I do get lucky with a guy(or I should say unlucky) who interests me. I have always found that they just want one off sexual encounters and nothing more. I try hard not to come across as being emotionally needy or desperate, and always give people a fair go. But my level of tolerance leads me into unpleasant situations such as what has happened with this Indian guy.

    I find myself increasingly depressed and disillusioned with gay men and life in general.

    I know I am wearing my heart on my sleeve right now and risk sounding as though I am emotionally needy or desperate. I really am aware of how unattractive that is in a man.

    But I am being far more open and honest than I normally would be with the guys I meet and as I am of posting anonymously on this forum I can express my true state of feelings which can be best summed up in the lyrics of the Green Day song "The Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"


    I walk a lonely road
    The only one that I have ever known
    Don't know where it goes
    But it's home to me and I walk alone

    I walk this empty street
    On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
    Where the city sleeps
    and I'm the only one and I walk alone

    I walk alone
    I walk alone

    I walk alone
    I walk alone

    My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
    My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
    Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
    'Til then I walk alone

    Unfortunately I do feel that I will be walking alone more and more as I get older.

    I do wish that gay men were far more tolerant and accepting of older guys, the hot young guys out there need to fully realise that their good looks will fade away and that no matter how well you care for yourself the ravages of time will catch up with us all eventually.

    Maybe once in a while they should stop and think about how they would like to be treated, respected and appreciated as they grow older.

    But despite my current depressed state of mind. I haven't entirely given up on life and love just yet.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    Don't give up, lol. You have needs and should never think that's unattractive. I have needs. Bill has needs. We could both see and feel those needs in each other when we met and, well, the rest is pleasant victory and history.

    Here's something for you: When you hear others saying they can't handle needy, they've just expressed a need for emotional austerity. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:29 PM GMT
    Tutty saidHi,

    I am trying not to be hard on myself, but...


    Stop it

    Stop it right now I say.

    Hug
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:58 PM GMT
    Well, it sounds like you've already figured this guy out - and I think you're right on target. Either it's a cultural thing... or he's married. I work with several Indians though (in fact, the small company I work for is Indian-owned), and know that in many regions of India, homosexuality is frowned upon. In fact, transvestitism is more tolerated in some places than homosexuality!

    Don't sweat the age thing. Two of my very best friends met when they were in their 40s and have been together for 17 years now. They found each other when they weren't even looking for a relationship. And that's the irony of all this - it's usually when you're not looking for someone that you find a very special person.

    I wouldn't pin my hopes on this Indian guy, but if the sex is good, and if you've got needs.... hahaha, well, it looks like you've got what you need until you do find someone who's actually ready for an LTR.

    Hang in there, man!
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:22 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about your current situation with the Indian guy. At least you are clearer as to where you stand, and the cultural background of Indians (especially when you find them attractive).

    While the more visible gay community tends to celebrate youth, it is not over for someone in his forties (at least I hope not, since I am also in your age group). There are groups who hang out to socialize, and there are groups who party too. I think the older crowd tend to be more private though. Not sure about Australia, but there are more invites to private parties as I age, whereas it was the usual meeting on the circuit when I was younger.

    My suggestion is to join a social or sport interest group, and develop your relationships from there. You never know where your partner will surface. I for one, found mine in an unexpected situation.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:47 PM GMT
    Tutty saidHi,

    I met a very nice Indian guy who is 29 and only been here in Australia for a short while, we enjoy each others company and seem to have a lot in common. We did have sex when we first met.
    Well I always try to be 100% honest with guys whom I like and said that I wished to continue seeing him and asked him if was he interested in casual sex and nothing else or would he be possibly be interested in having someone to care about with a view to a relationship between us in the future if all went well in the long term.
    He answered that he really did not know exactly what it is that he wants right now, but that he did like me a lot and wanted to see me again.
    Well I did not see or hear from him again for over a month and when he did contact me again, we met and had sex again,
    When I asked him why I had not seen or heard from him for over a month he said that he had been very busy and he just needed some space as he still doesn't really know what he wants in life and since then we have had sex a few more times together.
    I feel that I have been very understanding and given this guy the space he obviously needs to think about things I am trying hard not to rush into anything and I do not wish to put any pressure on this guy at all or to create the impression of being emotionally needy as I know that would simply drive him away forever.
    He has been honest with me and made no secret of the fact that he is meeting and having sex with other guys and I have also made it clear that I am also meeting up with other guys and keeping my options open too.
    He has told me that he is still very confused and simply can not decide what it is he wants and this is why he is still having sex with other guys as well as me, he tells that he really likes me but has once again asked me to give him more space.
    It has now been about 3 months since first meeting him and now I find my patience is wearing thin. I really like this guy and have tried hard not to rush into anything or be pushy with him, do you think I should give up or just give him extra time.


    What is it that you want? For him to be better adjusted? For him to not have all his baggage? For him to like you / love you? He's going to do what he's going to do, and if you chose a closet case, or someone who is a mess, that's exactly what you're going to get. It's that very simple.

    Until the underlying root problems are fixed, he'll (and, you, too) will still be a mess. It's up to you to decide if you want to deal with all that, or not.

    Finding a partner isn't forced. It's magic, and, when it happens, if it's right, you'll know that. Likely, in this case, unless you both work the underlying issues, the relationship is doomed to failure.
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    Apr 11, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    Hi jashar 1.

    Regarding this Indian guy I do know for a fact that he is not married and his friend who talked to me about the Indian attitude to gay people confirmed this he is single and is sharing a house not far from where I live with another gay guy in a purely non sexual friendship and in fact sleep in separate bedrooms.

    He claims not to have invited me to his home because has found it difficult to relax when there is someone in the next room who can hear everything that going on in his bedroom and they always want to know every detail of what is happening in his life.

    We all have a need for privacy and of course do not wish to divulge every detail of our personal life to others, even if they have a good heart and mean well and I understand how he feels.


    When he kept asking for me to give him more time I also became aware of his living arrangements and I was indeed very suspicious of the situation and asked him upfront as to the truth of the situation and found out through his friend that he has been honest with me.

    The sex with him has been very satisfying when it has occurred. But the fact is that he is either unwilling or emotionally incapable of taking a chance on love due to his cultural background and emotional baggage and at this point in his life and no matter how much he genuinely likes me, he seems content with just fulfilling his sexual desires as he has always done in the past and I will be very surprised indeed if does have a change of heart when I take a firm stand and attempt to sever my connection with him.

    I am simply not satisfied with just sex any more, no matter how good that person is in the bedroom and casual sexual encounters lost their appeal many years ago. I have matured emotionally and outgrown that type of thing. I do acknowledge and recognise my own emotions and needs which unfortunately for me are not being met.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 11, 2010 4:28 PM GMT
    I think you recognized the situation very well with your response with the previous post.

    He wants a fuckbuddy, you admit the time has come where you want more to be satisfied. He doesn't seem to be open to your needs, only his own physical needs.

    TIme to move on and find something more satisfying. You deserve it.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Apr 11, 2010 4:57 PM GMT
    At the very least, stop sleeping with him, because you're not getting what you want out of this situation, let him see that. At most, completely stop seeing him. Make a swift, clean cut, they heal much better.
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    Apr 11, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    he is only having fun ...thats my opinion. FWB.
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    Apr 11, 2010 6:36 PM GMT
    Hi Chuckystud,

    In response to your comments I wish to clarify the following.

    You have asked what is it I want?

    Well the fact is that when I first met him, I did say that I liked him a lot and wanted to see him on a regular basis and eventually that I would want a loving LTR relationship with him if all went smoothly.

    In fact I preceded this by asking him if he wanted someone special in his life or simply enjoyed having lots of casual sexual partners and he stated that he did not know what he really wants in his life.

    I really do know what I want and I made it clear to him as what my emotional desires and needs were with out being pushy or coming across as being needy or desperate.

    He in fact has told that he clearly acknowledges what my emotional needs and desires are, but he is so confused and uncertain about many aspects of life in general that he is incapable or unwilling to commit to anyone. I also believe that deep down he doesn't wish to hurt my feelings in any way.


    I do wish that he did not have his emotional or cultural baggage and that he was capable of loving me.


    Yes I admit the warning bells were there and I should have recognised them. If I had fully realised the emotional mess this guy is in, I would never have found myself in this current situation.

    It is precisely because I have not given up on life and love completely that I allowed wishful thinking to blind me to the reality of the situation.

    In response to another point you made, he did very clearly state that he liked me and enjoyed my company and the sex was good between us and he also wanted to see me again and still wants to see me.

    He is also not a closet case as you suggest as he has disclosed his sexuality to his Indian family who are living in another state but I don't know how they dealt with his shocking disclosure, I only know this would have been very difficult and trying time for all concerned. His friends know about and accept his sexuality and accept him. But for some reason he is unwilling or emotionally incapable of a loving relationship.

    As he has only been in Australia for a short period of time he is quite likely still feeling uncertain about many aspects of his life and because of this and other reasons he is unwilling or incapable of committing himself to anyone and continues to satisfy his sexual needs with casual encounters as he has always done in the past and will most like continue to behave this way until he has settled down and matured emotionally.

    I fully accept the fact he will do what he wants to do and I have never ever I tried to rush or push him into anything as this would simply drive him away very fast indeed.

    I also realise now that there is no possible chance of anything between us until he sorts out these underlying issues and I really don't think there is anything I can do to help him with those issues.

    I am quite well aware that finding a partner can't be forced and when I stated that I intend to confront him and take a firm stand that is because of my own realisation that I no longer wish to endure this painful situation any more.

    This is not an attempt to try and force him into a relationship with me.

    Any unlikely change of heart by him would be very surprising and would of course have to be 100% genuine and not an attempt by him to keep me around as a convenient sexual partner. By severing all connections with him I am simply ruling out any possible future attempt to get me back into bed with him.
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    Apr 11, 2010 6:50 PM GMT
    Well, sounds like you have a grasp on it. Sometimes, acceptance is a real pain in the behind. Hope that whatever you do...that you end up with what you want and what makes you happy.
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    Apr 11, 2010 9:30 PM GMT
    Tutty,
    With all due respect, perhaps you shouldn't be so quick to jump in the sack
    with guys you just met, if you want something more than just a sexual relationship...just sayin'....icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 11, 2010 11:52 PM GMT

    Why are you confused? He has been honest w/ you. He said he needs space. You need to decide if this is the place you want to be at this point in your life, waiting for someone to return the emotion given to him. Think about that for a min......LONG PAUSE. you should have your answer!
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    Apr 13, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    Hi Hillie,

    In response to your claim that this Indian guy was being honest, well I now know that he was only being honest about being confused and not knowing what he really wants.

    He always stated that he really did like me a lot and wished very much to continue seeing me.

    But He did NOT at any time state that things were so bad that on an emotional level that he would never be capable of having a relationship with me.

    He did in fact give me the wrong impression by stating that if I gave him more space that there would possibly be a chance for us to have a relationship when he sorted out his own very confused feelings.

    Unfortunately I now realise after of 3 months of patiently giving him all the space he desired and not attempting to rush or force the issue that he was not being 100% honest with me.

    This is because he never said that what he really wanted was a f*ck buddy as he did not wish to offend me or make himself look like a slut and lose me as a convenient source of good casual sex.

    I am also quite well aware of the fact that he was going out on the gay scene and picking up and having sex with many other men during this time and I did not once complain about this.

    I fully admit that I was also doing the same thing because I did not know exactly where things were headed with this Indian guy and wanted to keep my options open too.

    I have now realised that things are very unlikely to change with this guy I now no longer wish to endure this painful situation, which is precisely why I have now decide to confront him and sever all connections with him.

    I now know that until he gets his confused emotional state sorted out he will be incapable or unwilling of returning all the love I am capable of freely giving to the right person who wants a loyal devoted partner in a LTR relationship.






  • pixel

    Posts: 26

    Apr 13, 2010 1:06 PM GMT
    Sorry that i didn't read the posts and i skipped them.

    I think SOCIAL INDIAN CULTURE is very sensitive. It's their serious and strict issue. For example, when he has done bad things, his family feel ashamed and hit him many times. They are not going to respect him. (Sorry I don't know how to explain about it or isn't it the right words im looking for)

    He doesn't want to ruin his reputation in front of his friends and families.