When you find out you're not who you think you are...need some advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2010 1:49 PM GMT
    This is gonna be one of those rambling, I'm upset and a tiny bit drunk posts:

    Ok, I've never really dated a guy before. I've gone out with them but never had an LTR...mostly cause I never met one that made me wanna date in the long term.

    Well, a couple months ago that changed...met this guy, we totally hit it off, he's uber hot, smart, funny, sweet, and he has this macho attitude that is part real, part for show and it's completely cute.

    so whatever, we'd been checking each other out for awhile, and I finally got the guts to make a move, coincedentally I made my move at the exact same time he made his, so it was also kinda funny. we went out once and it was really intense. we ended up back at his place, but we only made out.

    I saw him the next day while he was at work and he asked me to hang around til he got off work. I did..we went back to his place and the sex was freaking amazing.

    the problem is...he works like crazy...he has a group of really close friends that he'll do anything for..and his family lives here and he's really close to them, on top of the fact that he goes to school part time.

    I'd totally date this guy..no question...I REALLY like him...like think about him all the time, like him. But I find myself asking him out all the time and he's always busy. The only time I see him is when he's at work...it doesn't seem to me he ever goes out of his way to even try to see me, outside of work and having sex...which we've even done in the parking lot behind his work building.

    Meanwhile I drive all the way across town to see him and hang out at the front desk talking to him when he's bored. Over the last month, I've only seen him once outside of the gym...that was for like 1 hour for breakfast before he went to 'run errands.'

    So yesterday, I'm talking to him and another guy he works with and he says that there's this old lady who's a member there who always brings him stuff and she asked him to go to lunch with her and spend a day shopping with her...she doen't have any kids and treats him like he's her kid.

    He said yes, and is going to spend the day with this chick who is basically just a casual accquaintance...wtf?

    As I'm typing this I'm realizing where I stand on his list of priorities...and I'm seriously getting tears in my eyes...I like this kid so much.

    So what do I do? DO I back off and treat it as a fuck buddy situation and just try to get over my feelings? Do I try to talk to him and work something out, even though thats more likely to drive him away? Do I just get over it and move on? Do I just continue to act like a chick and be the bitch in this whole thing?

    I don't wanna lose him...I don't even wanna post this anymore, cuz I'm afraid of you all.

    I'll look at it again in the morning. g'nite
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:07 PM GMT
    tommysguns2000 said So yesterday, I'm talking to him and another guy he works with and he says that there's this old lady who's a member there who always brings him stuff and she asked him to go to lunch with her and spend a day shopping with her...she doen't have any kids and treats him like he's her kid.He said yes, and is going to spend the day with this chick who is basically just a casual accquaintance...wtf?

    As I'm typing this I'm realizing where I stand on his list of priorities...and I'm seriously getting tears in my eyes...

    You are hurt because this guy wants to spend some time doing a kind deed for a lonely old lady?
    Caring about less fortunate people is a sign of a truly good heart. This should make you like him more, not less. The fact that you don't illustrates the difference between love (which is generous) and lust (which is jealous and possessive). If you want a real relationship to develop you will be better off working on the former.
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:15 PM GMT
    I think you could blend into his life by taking that lady out to lunch one day. It's important to take an interest in his life and loves as well as just him. Why? Because this is obviously more than just hooking up. Your heart is stretching and flexing in a new way (the sleeper awakens!) and it will feel all hurty while it learns new things.

    Then, you'll find out if he's the kind to reciprocate, if not, it will hurt, you'll move on with a deeper understanding of you and love for the next person you fall for, and that falls for you. icon_wink.gif


    ...and don't ever feel afraid of mild ol' us. You were very very VERY kind when Mom was living with us and recovering from heart-surgery and we'll never forget it, so hit us up whenever you want.

    In fact, I'll message you with our telephone number to back that up.

    -Doug
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:16 PM GMT
    I've dated people before who are always busy - working, hanging out with friends, spending time with family, etc. People who are always busy and never alone can be afraid of being alone while also being afraid of commitment. He may be keeping some distance from you to protect himself. He may also be very happy with his life and doesn't necessarily need a boyfriend. Once you have cooled down, try having a non-confrontational talk with him. Has he introduced you to his friends or any family members? If not, he's compartmentalizing his life and keeping you on the side. If you are not comfortable with that, you shouldn't have to feel like you are debasing yourself to be with him.
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:22 PM GMT
    Wow, tommyguns is in love, the wonders just keep coming.

    Sound like a “price of admission” question.

    Come clean and communicate your feelings, see where you stand and if it is something you can accept. I would hope that he will understand and make more time for you if you can be patient for him.

    "...I don't even wanna post this anymore, cuz I'm afraid of you all."
    Hugs
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:23 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    tommysguns2000 said So yesterday, I'm talking to him and another guy he works with and he says that there's this old lady who's a member there who always brings him stuff and she asked him to go to lunch with her and spend a day shopping with her...she doen't have any kids and treats him like he's her kid.He said yes, and is going to spend the day with this chick who is basically just a casual accquaintance...wtf?

    As I'm typing this I'm realizing where I stand on his list of priorities...and I'm seriously getting tears in my eyes...

    You are hurt because this guy wants to spend some time doing a kind deed for a lonely old lady?
    Caring about less fortunate people is a sign of a truly good heart. This should make you like him more, not less. The fact that you don't illustrates the difference between love (which is generous) and lust (which is jealous and possessive). If you want a real relationship to develop you will be better off working on the former.


    I'm not upset he's spending time with her...I'm upset that this person, who he barely knows, gets to have a whole day with him and I get one 1 hour breakfast per month.

    but thanks for assuming the worst...
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:31 PM GMT
    Don't be to hard on yourself or him, what you feel is fresh, its hot, but just like a chocolate chip cookie, its just as good when it has time to cool a little. icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:43 PM GMT

    It sounds like this guy matters ALOT to you. So stay on his radar. This situation may be as new for him as it is for you.

    Priorities take time to change - especially if, for the man you are taken with, making more time for you entails entering into a kind of relationship he may also be new at.

    Like life, love entails risk and pain. There's no way around that. Even though your brain has probably served you very well up until now, try to allow your heart and your gut at least equal say in guiding you through this one.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 11, 2010 2:51 PM GMT
    Well Tommy, you've adjusted your schedule to suit his. He's getting his needs met, he's absolutely in control (meaning that you are adjusting to meet him.. on his turf and terms). I'd make adjustments and pronto!

    I understand you care and (it sounds like) probably one of the more serious guys you've had in your life. My suggestion: have a serious conversation with him, lay it on the line, tell him what you want (you don't have to express it as a "do or die kind of thing) meaning, "this is what I expect, or else". But I do think you need to make it clear that you want to be a priority in his life and its about more than sex and a few minutes here and there. You want to date and be involved with him. Listen to his answers... is he offering solutions or just blowing you off?


    Good luck.. it sounds like the situation at hand is not productive and there has to be some kind of change. GIve it your best effort, but know it may not be the outcome you want.
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    Apr 11, 2010 2:53 PM GMT
    Direct communications with him is the only way to find your mutual status...check yourself...is this a real "relationship" or are you projecting your wants, needs and desires onto this guy being in your life?
    Doug is right....you must stretch your interest, and your heart, to include his.....its the only way to know him and understand what is important to him, that is where true "INTIMACY" springs from....stop centering on the lust and sex in the relationship....there is a whole lot more to a person and a relationship.........Love hurts, because it is sharing that which is "you" at your most vulnerable.........love is hard, because it is "no lies and no spin"....
    Good Luck...and big hugs to you....
    Gary

    PS: Only a truly insensitive cad and jerk would flame you or abuse you on this post....
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Apr 11, 2010 2:58 PM GMT
    And why haven't you told him what you just told us?

    Man up and talk to him already!
  • aidikay

    Posts: 32

    Apr 11, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    Sorry to know that you're in this situation, tommysguns2000, but I'm happy that there's a guy out there who is making you crazy! For me personally, this is the most confusing part in dating: Trying to make our next move based on guesses and assumptions.

    Anyway, let me be the romantic/optimistic fool here.

    I'm gonna guess (based on your post) that he probably (before he met you) has had his life going on for him. Settled schedule, close friends, family, old lady, and he's happy with it. Adding you to the equation may confuse him. He might have to juggle his schedule to fit you in, and that (for some people) is not as easy as one might think.

    I would give him some time to think about where you stand in his life, or in your words, list of priorities. I believe you too have a "standard" in an ideal relationship that you want to have, so he might be trying to work things out to make sure things go well too.

    When the time comes, (that means when you start feeling uncomfortable with how things going) you can talk to him about your feelings and find the answers to your questions.

    In the meantime, buckle up and enjoy the ride!
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    I'd break it off with him. It's not worth the emotion or drive (literally) to sustain the relationship. He's enjoying you for the moment, nothing more.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    Well congrats on finding someone you can be so interested in, that's not an easy thing to come across. However, sorry to hear your guy hasn't put you at the top of his priorities. One thing I've found is that sometimes when you really start to fall for someone, your head and your heart (or, um, your penis) are telling you two different things. Obviously when you first meet someone and start dating you can't expect them to make you their number one. I think you have to reflect on whether you and this guy really are that compatible. He sounds like someone who is always on the go, maybe doesn't like to be alone, and wants to please everyone. You seem a little more grounded and the type who appreciates quality instead of quantity. If he isn't giving you the attention that you want now, I can almost guarantee he won't be giving it to you five years from now. So maybe allow him to be a friend (or friend with benefits) or even stop seeing him for awhile so the romantic feelings subside. No matter what you decide, it will be the right decision. Everything happens for a reason.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    I have to agree with many on this thread to say that communication is key. Do not just project your wants, but let him know what you feel. Hopefully, you guys will be able to move together, and get closer. icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:04 PM GMT
    Evac the situation and forget him.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:08 PM GMT
    Back away. And if he has time for a relationship, and if he wants you the way you want him, he'll have to MAKE time to come after you. But don't hold all of your eggs in that basket, so to speak. Move on. If he doesn't chase you down, then his life is too busy to sustain the kind of relationship you'd want anyway. Man, I wish you the best of luck - it sounds like you're willing to step out there and do something you've never done before... that's awesome!
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    tommysguns2000 said
    So what do I do? DO I back off and treat it as a fuck buddy situation and just try to get over my feelings?
    Yes.
    And remember: "fuck buddies" can end up becoming best friends over time. icon_smile.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 11, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    I think if you really do like him this much, you have nothing to lose by laying it on the line and telling him how much you like him and that you have made him a priority in your life. Ask him if he can do the same. You may not get them answer you want, but at least you can say you have no regrets.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]tommysguns2000 said[/cite]This is gonna be one of those rambling, I'm upset and a tiny bit drunk

    So what do I do? DO I back off and treat it as a fuck buddy situation and just try to get over my feelings? Do I try to talk to him and work something out, even though thats more likely to drive him away? Do I just get over it and move on? Do I just continue to act like a chick and be the bitch in this whole thing?

    I don't wanna lose him...I don't even wanna post this anymore, cuz I'm afraid of you all./quote]


    First off..........having feelings for someone and being indecisive about how to proceed is not a chick thing. Its a universal human thing.

    Its difficult to judge if your guy is really into you, or just having some fun with you without committment or an agenda. But clearly, you have an agenda.

    Sometimes I've been head over heals about a guy but I didn't want to come across as too pushy. So instead of endless torturous discussions about "the relationship" and feelings I just continued to be the happy go lucky fun guy that I am.

    Don't be a victim of fate/chance or luck. Take more control over the situation and put yourself in the drivers seat rather than carrying around a begger cup. I would be more demonstrative about how much I cared for him. Bring him small gifts. Break the routine and forcefully suggest a new activity to do together. Ask him for his advice on everyday things and allow him into your life. He's gotta want to spend more time with you ( not feel like he has to) so give him somethng to chew on.

    Be interested in his lady friend rather than thinking of her as a sympton of a problem.

    Men are sometimes dumb and oblivious to signals . We're busy with work and other responsibilities. So trying harder might get his attention. Patience. I kinda like when a guy is respectfully persistant and doesn't run away at the slightest bump. If you see somthing worth it, you have to work for it. I lke when a guy is cocky/confident enough to want to show me why/how he is worth it and different than everybody else.

    And I'm worth the effort.

    If he doesn't eventually respond in kind, then you got your answer . Get over it and move on. The worst thing you could do is be angry and resnetful towards him becasue he wasn't what you wanted him to be. There is no way I could be crazy about someone anymore if its a one way street.

    I couldn't settle for just FB. with a guy I wanted more from. My feelings would get hurt. There's a limit to my capacity to be needy and I don't like being at a disadvantage and dependant on the whims of somebody else. I wouldn't give him that power unless the feelings were mutual.

    BTW.........posts about unrequited love and attraction written by slightly drunk men are kinda endearing.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:22 PM GMT
    Take it slow, try talking to him about this without issuing any ultimatums or dealbreakers. And remember, it takes a while to build relationships, it may take time before you're a priority. So give it time, relax, keep the communication going but try not to obsess over him.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Apr 11, 2010 3:23 PM GMT
    Hey guy, I think we have all been in your situation at one time or another. People make time for the things that are important to them PERIOD! Like you said in your opening post, he makes sure you guys get together for sex. I don't care if it's friends, sex, shopping, going out to the bars, people make time for the things they really want to do. Take a stance with this guy, let him know how you feel and be prepared to walk away if you need to. You deserve more if your want more.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:28 PM GMT
    I'm in a similar but different situation.
    Some guys don't know how to reciprocate, some choose not to.

    I would suggest very succinctly expressing your need for more of his time. And let him come to you, if he doesn't... then he doesn't. I don't know how effective being a fuck buddy with a guy you're into is, don't think it would help the situation much.

    I'm in a relationship with a guy who doesn't know what he wants and gets very irritated with me for not knowing what he wants (am I a mind reader?). I'm constantly switching strategies to meet his needs and then get mistreated when his mood swings and he doesn't want it anymore.

    Sometimes we have to say our piece, to others and ourselves before we know what to do. When we are ready we will know what we have to do... until then we're...

    202px-Paddleball.svg.png

    I'm off to spin and boxing... hang in there.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:31 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said

    As I'm typing this I'm realizing where I stand on his list of priorities...and I'm seriously getting tears in my eyes...

    You are hurt because this guy wants to spend some time doing a kind deed for a lonely old lady?
    Caring about less fortunate people is a sign of a truly good heart. This should make you like him more, not less. The fact that you don't illustrates the difference between love (which is generous) and lust (which is jealous and possessive). If you want a real relationship to develop you will be better off working on the former.

    that is as near a complete misread of the OP as I have ever seen. The point is the guy will spend a day with the woman and not witht eh OP.... he even spelt it out for you and you misread it. Amazing.
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    Apr 11, 2010 3:41 PM GMT
    Lostboy said
    TexDef07 said

    As I'm typing this I'm realizing where I stand on his list of priorities...and I'm seriously getting tears in my eyes...

    You are hurt because this guy wants to spend some time doing a kind deed for a lonely old lady?
    Caring about less fortunate people is a sign of a truly good heart. This should make you like him more, not less. The fact that you don't illustrates the difference between love (which is generous) and lust (which is jealous and possessive). If you want a real relationship to develop you will be better off working on the former.

    that is as near a complete misread of the OP as I have ever seen. The point is the guy will spend a day with the woman and not witht eh OP....

    The point is what conclusions the OP should draw from that fact.
    Should he focus on his own sense of not being a priority, or try to understand why the other guy is motivated to spend his time with the old lady?