Breaking Up Isn't So Hard to Do

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 11, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    So after almost four months of seeing "this guy" I've decided that I'd sooner have a searing hot rod skewered through my eyeballs than spend another week with him.

    What I learned from this thwarted attempt at love:
    - There's a fine line between being challenged and being mistreated and it usually has to do with one or both people's deficient communication skills. In this case, I'm done banging my head against the wall, it really is him not me.
    - I have a boundless capacity for being malleable to someone elses needs, but even if I was a mind reader, if he doesn't know what he wants, I'm up shit creek without a paddle.
    - Chemistry can go away
    - I'm a lot kinder and more patient than I thought... but I'm not putting his feelings first anymore, he can suck a bag o' blistered dick
    - There's two guys who want my time, who I'm hoping won't yell at me if they get frustrated... no more yelling.
    - I can be the rational, reasonable one... that's kinda cool.

    ...being single isn't so bad, no one can take care of me like I can.
    *huge self hug*
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Apr 11, 2010 7:47 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear this my friend.....here's a hug for you ((( Joaquin ))) icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 11, 2010 7:47 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidSo after almost four months of seeing "this guy" I've decided that I'd sooner have a searing hot rod skewered through my eyeballs than spend another week with him.

    What I learned from this thwarted attempt at love:
    - There's a fine line between being challenged and being mistreated and it usually has to do with one or both people's deficient communication skills. In this case, I'm done banging my head against the wall, it really is him not me.
    - I have a boundless capacity for being malleable to someone elses needs, but even if I was a mind reader, if he doesn't know what he wants, I'm up shit creek without a paddle.
    - Chemistry can go away
    - I'm a lot kinder and more patient than I thought... but I'm not putting his feelings first anymore, he can suck a bag o' blistered dick
    - There's two guys who want my time, who I'm hoping won't yell at me if they get frustrated... no more yelling.
    - I can be the rational, reasonable one... that's kinda cool.

    ...being single isn't so bad, no one can take care of me like I can.
    *huge self hug*


    Good on'ya mate
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    Apr 12, 2010 9:33 AM GMT
    Best_Cookie-20.jpg

    Eat it quick before Sedative sees it.
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    Apr 12, 2010 10:05 AM GMT
    Good for you man, nothing wrong with being single at all. And a relationship is never wasted time; you'll always have the good times together in your memory and the bad times you can chalk up to life experience!

    Cheers!

    Dan
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    Apr 12, 2010 4:20 PM GMT
    thanks guys... I'm kinda bummed today, we are supposed to see each other tonight.
    we talked on the phone yesterday, it was very amicable and pleasant, I don't think he sees it coming.

    I realized that he has had very poignant "relationships" but has limited to no "relationship skills". He doesn't speak fondly or kindly about his ex's and while I don't think that "all" ex's are worth maintaining a relationship with, it troubles me that he seemed to take nothing positive from any of them.

    That pattern certainly doesn't bode well for he and I in any capacity... god I hate this part, I feel sick to my stomach... good thing I have therapy before hand, she's going to be earning her copay today!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 12, 2010 4:24 PM GMT
    Don't ever forget that you deserve someone fantastic.
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    Apr 12, 2010 4:32 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidDon't ever forget that you deserve someone fantastic.

    Thank you T.
    I put that on a post-it note, on my desk at the base of my monitor... your fingers to my heart.

    I just want this day to be over with.
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    Apr 12, 2010 4:57 PM GMT
    Did I miss something didn't you say you would rather endure hot poker than spend another week with this guy because of his lack of communication?

    I'm a little confused as how you would be upset that you are not hanging out when you didn't want to anyway.

    After four months what do you really know about each other really nothing.
    I find it amazing how we as gay men fast-forward in relationships we are soo quick to set up house and starting nesting and ignore glearing warning signs.

    I used to do that not anymore. I don't rush into anything anymore and I pay attention to a guy's behavior especially something as important as communication.
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    Apr 12, 2010 5:02 PM GMT
    Ducky46 saidDid I miss something didn't you say you would rather endure hot poker than spend another week with this guy because of his lack of communication?

    I'm a little confused as how you would be upset that you are not hanging out when you didn't want to anyway.

    After four months what do you really know about each other really nothing.
    I find it amazing how we as gay men fast-forward in relationships we are soo quick to set up house and starting nesting and ignore glearing warning signs.

    I used to do that not anymore. I don't rush into anything anymore and I pay attention to a guy's behavior especially something as important as communication.

    Your kind of a retard aren't you?
    Funny thing about breaking up with someone is that you sometimes actually have to have a conversation about it.

    And you make far too many assumptions about the situation. We didn't set up house, we were going very slow, only had three sleep overs, didn't say "I love you" and didn't use the word "boyfriend".

    Don't lump me in the category of "we as gay men", speak for yourself but please don't do it for me.

    Apparently you don't pay as close attention as you purport, "go back to square one".
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    Apr 12, 2010 5:11 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted said
    Ducky46 saidDid I miss something didn't you say you would rather endure hot poker than spend another week with this guy because of his lack of communication?

    I'm a little confused as how you would be upset that you are not hanging out when you didn't want to anyway.

    After four months what do you really know about each other really nothing.
    I find it amazing how we as gay men fast-forward in relationships we are soo quick to set up house and starting nesting and ignore glearing warning signs.

    I used to do that not anymore. I don't rush into anything anymore and I pay attention to a guy's behavior especially something as important as communication.

    Your kind of a retard aren't you?
    Funny thing about breaking up with someone is that you sometimes actually have to have a conversation about it.

    And you make far too many assumptions about the situation. We didn't set up house, we were going very slow, only had three sleep overs, didn't say "I love you" and didn't use the word "boyfriend".

    Don't lump me in the category of "we as gay men", speak for yourself but please don't do it for me.

    Apparently you don't pay as close attention as you purport, "go back to square one".
    Meanie.

    And, hey, you're like me when I break up with someone! n_n
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    Apr 12, 2010 5:26 PM GMT
    It sounds like you have a good handle on yourself, and that you are in a sane, lucid and healthy state.

    Kudos to you for extracting the lessons learned and by transforming any remaining negative emotion into positive self-esteem and forward energy.

    Continue to "talk through" what you're feeling with others so that you can "vent" as waves of different emotions during the processing of your experience. Remember that it will all get better from here, and that the intensity of the experience will subside as more time passes.

    And, make sure you do something nice for yourself, just for yourself, every day. I go on "dates with myself" all the time. Although I enjoy the love and company of others, I am quite comfortable living in my own skin and don't "need" any other person to be "complete".

    I wish you continued good energy!

    Aloha and Be Well!

    Alan
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    Apr 12, 2010 5:37 PM GMT
    damn, he's not even 'friends with benefits' material ?

    go for a long tempo run.. get endorphins .
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    Apr 12, 2010 5:58 PM GMT
    Soulasphyx saidMeanie.

    And, hey, you're like me when I break up with someone! n_n
    My grampa says to always respect tender sentiment and never mistake kindness for weakness. I appreciate the thoughtful feedback of others, I just don't like the judgment.

    How are you like me when you break up with someone?
    I'm a huge mess today, all over the map, riddled with doubt... but totally sure of what I need to do.

    "Next mood swing, T-minus 15 seconds and counting"
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    Apr 12, 2010 6:01 PM GMT
    xassantex saiddamn, he's not even 'friends with benefits' material ?

    go for a long tempo run.. get endorphins .
    not even fwb material... I don' t know if we are even going to be friends, he's exhibited some other behavior that was hidden by the initial stages of "woo'ing" that is kinda cringe worthy.

    I've gotten all my clarity after long swims and spin classes... am definitely using the endorphins to my benefit!
  • denverdev

    Posts: 82

    Apr 12, 2010 6:12 PM GMT
    I think the real irony of this thread is wrapped in its title. You're unsure of how to go about things because you are still concerned for his feelings, despite whatever you'd say to the contrary, but the important thing for you to remember is that this guy - no matter how immature he might seem - is an adult. If he doesn't know how to handle your goodbye, then that will officially be his own problem.
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    Apr 12, 2010 6:16 PM GMT
    TheFreeman saidI think the real irony of this thread is wrapped in its title. You're unsure of how to go about things because you are still concerned for his feelings, despite whatever you'd say to the contrary, but the important thing for you to remember is that this guy - no matter how immature he might seem - is an adult. If he doesn't know how to handle your goodbye, then that will officially be his own problem.

    Everything you said is 100% "spot on". And *that* I can own. This makes me feel understood... thanks.
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    Apr 12, 2010 6:41 PM GMT
    Joaquin, you deserve someone who is right for you and who makes you happy - always keep that in mind. For a long time, I've read your words here - enough to feel as if I almost know you. There are a number of uniquely great aspects to you. You're very easy on the eyes as well! To reiterate what Tim said above - you deserve someone fantastic.
    icon_cool.gif
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    Apr 12, 2010 10:08 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidJoaquin, you deserve someone who is right for you and who makes you happy - always keep that in mind. For a long time, I've read your words here - enough to feel as if I almost know you. There are a number of uniquely great aspects to you. You're very easy on the eyes as well! To reiterate what Tim said above - you deserve someone fantastic.
    icon_cool.gif

    *Thank you* xoxox
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 12, 2010 10:21 PM GMT
    Good for you. While I don't know you personally, I think your logical assessment of the situation is enough. Kudos for having the balls to make the decision and follow through. How many guys to we hear weaping about how hard it is to leave. You gave a summation as to why... best of luck with all.
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    Apr 12, 2010 10:31 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidthanks guys... I'm kinda bummed today, we are supposed to see each other tonight.


    I He doesn't speak fondly or kindly about his ex's
    !


    i get a sense he won't be speaking so highly of you to his next bf either.

    either way u did what u had to do
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    Apr 12, 2010 10:37 PM GMT
    It sounds like you are doing the right thing and taking care of yourself. Hopefully he will learn from this experience and go to therapy. Good luck with everything and be strong!
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    Apr 13, 2010 6:46 PM GMT
    I had a great therapy session before I saw him.
    My therapist helped me reframe the situation and my part in it all.

    He and I met, had a really productive, rational chat and decided to take a step back and take some space from one another, but not write each other off.

    We decided to casually see each other, we touched on the idea of seeing other people but we clearly understand that we are not having sex with each other because it makes things harder for me than they need to be. He wasn't happy about that but he is reconciling it.

    After we talked we actually had a fun night laughing and playing, it could be the end or maybe the beginning of us just being friends... don't know. But it felt nice to decide on what to do about us "with" him instead of "for" him.

    It unfolded much different than I was initially planning, but ended up much better.
    Thanks everyone for your supportive words and advice. xoxo
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    Apr 13, 2010 10:31 PM GMT
    I'm glad it went so well for you. Wouldn't it be nice if you could go back in time and take away all of the worry leading up to it? I worry so much about things and they always turn out better than I think they will.
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    Apr 13, 2010 10:37 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidSo after almost four months of seeing "this guy" I've decided that I'd sooner have a searing hot rod skewered through my eyeballs than spend another week with him.

    What I learned from this thwarted attempt at love:
    - There's a fine line between being challenged and being mistreated and it usually has to do with one or both people's deficient communication skills. In this case, I'm done banging my head against the wall, it really is him not me.
    - I have a boundless capacity for being malleable to someone elses needs, but even if I was a mind reader, if he doesn't know what he wants, I'm up shit creek without a paddle.
    - Chemistry can go away
    - I'm a lot kinder and more patient than I thought... but I'm not putting his feelings first anymore, he can suck a bag o' blistered dick
    - There's two guys who want my time, who I'm hoping won't yell at me if they get frustrated... no more yelling.
    - I can be the rational, reasonable one... that's kinda cool.

    ...being single isn't so bad, no one can take care of me like I can.
    *huge self hug*



    OH MY GOD! I have to read the OP statement two times just to make sure I was not seeing double! Joaquin you just described the same experience I had with my last BF to a tea!!


    Leandro ♥