On An Emotional Roller Coaster

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    Apr 11, 2010 11:26 PM GMT
    Hi Everyone !

    Hoping to put to rest a long term problem, I meet this guy eleven years ago, and we got together, when we did I moved in with him, knowing that him and his ex, who was suppose to be "Quoto" just his business partner. I have been with him for over eleven years, but I have always been made to feel like I am a third wheel. I have always felt like it was him, his ex, and then me. Or his ex, him, and then me. I love the guy, but I think it is slow but surely, tearing me up inside. they own the business,and nothing is really in my name, Not that it matters now, but if something should happen to him, I would end up with nothing, he tells me,that if something where to happen to him that he made his ex promise that I would get what was his to survive on.

    I just feel that he never really left him, and that I am just a passing fancy. His Ex is currently living down in Florida and he calls him when he get up in the morning to see up he is up to, and then several times during the day. Then finally before he goes to bed to see how his day has been, you ask me it seems like he is checking up on him like he is still attached to him. I feel like at this point the only reason I am around is to work the business. He does not care about what would happen to me if something should happen to him, and he and his ex have made arrangement that if something happen to either one the other would survive there estate. Me on the other hand if something happens to him I am out in the cold, I don't draw a salary so I really do not have nothing, not even a car. I feel like it is guilt for the fact of him being caught by his ex when they were together, and my partner not wanting to let go. So I feel like there is no hope for me. I am just about out of self esteem. I am very tired and am seriously thinking of moving on. It seems to me that he never left his Ex, and my years with him has just been A joke on me.

    Any sound advise would be appreciated, Just wanted to Love someone and have someone love and care about me. I don't really understand , why this is not possible. I was married previously, and what was mine, was her's. With him, its his and his Ex's.

    Seriousfun !
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    Apr 12, 2010 2:54 AM GMT
    ugh, You have 11 yrs with him....you need to sit down talk to him. Like you said "if something should happen to him, I would end up with nothing"
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    Apr 12, 2010 4:44 AM GMT
    Rodmramer saidugh, You have 11 yrs with him....you need to sit down talk to him. Like you said "if something should happen to him, I would end up with nothing"

    Rodmramer is absolutely right. You need to talk this over with him. It may be a difficult conversation to have but it is a necessary one.

    I've had to have a couple big convos regarding relationship status issues and before I actually sat down with him to have it, I wrote out some topics I wanted to address to think through them and be better able to communicate what I felt was going on. When I talked to him I made sure that it was not confrontational, but approached it in a very frank manner. Be open and leave nothing unsaid.
  • Sparkycat

    Posts: 1064

    Apr 12, 2010 10:20 AM GMT
    You're a live-in fuck buddy. You need to talk to a therapist. Find out why you have been willing to put up with this crap for eleven years. And, find out why you choose to be dependent instead of empowering yourself. It's a choice.
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    Apr 12, 2010 11:27 AM GMT
    Sorry to be so direct, and I know I don't completely have all the background here, but speaking from experience l can guess what's going on:

    First, you're not going to leave him - that's BS. And let me tell you why, you have nothing and no where to go. You are using him and there's no telling how long that's been going on.

    Second, you're pissed because he isn't paying you any attention and yet, you have nothing to show for yourself - not even a job. You want him to leave you his entire life's savings... why would he? Maybe when you actually start showing some responsibility then you might see it in return.

    Third, I would be willing to bet you're not the only one he's sleeping with. He's not happy in the relationship or else he wouldn't be talking to his ex so much. He's probably tired of doing all the work to make the relationship succeed.

    Fourth, 11yrs is a long time. And unfortunately your partner doesn't seem to have the balls to finally kick you to the curb. There might be some guilt on his part seeing as he doesn't want to leave you homeless with nothing.

    And lastly, Sparky's right. You need counseling to figure out why you have become so dependent on someone else and figure out a way to change the situation. This will be good for you because then, you'll be able to find your own happiness and not rely on someone else for it.

    Good luck mate.

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    Apr 12, 2010 11:33 AM GMT
    the dude is 50 yrs old. I am agree with Jay (first, second and fourth)
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    Apr 12, 2010 2:28 PM GMT
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    Apr 13, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the replies:

    In reference to Jaydub:
    You are right you do not have the complete background,
    First: I will leave him. I do not want to because I really do love the guy. In my own way, You are right about me not having nothing and nowhere to go. But as far as using him that's pretty harsh, I never used anyone in my life. It's more the other way around, and I wish I had the time and a Way to explain my whole situatuion to you.

    Second: As far as a job He does not want me to get a job because if I do then he would have to stay and run the business, I never took anything from him, only what was given in the last eleven years to me. Responsibility, you have no clue about what responsibilities I have day in and day out. As far as wanting him to leave me his life saving's your right, in one way Why should He !!!, Well when your in a relationship for as long as we have been , it should be him and me against the wind, not him and his Ex. I was married prior to discovering my sexuality, and when I was ,I always believed that what was mine was also my other halfs, not my Ex Girlfriend's

    Third: Your right on this to, I have caught him over the years on Alternate dating sites, and I know that he is on them now. I know he fools around and yet I sit on the side , its really fucked up, to love someone like I love him, and to let him hurt me this way. He talks to his Ex because I feel he never really left his Ex, just to check up on him, and to still keep him in line. He split upwith him because he was caught cheating on him after seven years. Its funny in a way I kind of like his Ex, I just don't want towind up like him. He is in a good position now, because he told me if we break up he will push to get the business sold and take his money and run, if I stay he get to stay in Florida and live the good life while I pickup his slack, and do what he use to do, before he went To Florida, along with my other daily jobs at the buisness. His "Quoto was my other half stole 23 years of his life !!!!!!

    Fourth: It is not the fact that he does not have the balls to kick me to the curb, It's the fact he know's if I leave or he throws me out , that his Ex will come back, and push the issue to sell the business. His Ex has cofided in me that he already changed his will to leave everything to his flesh and blood and not to my other half as it always use to be. I tried to explain to my partner that his ex,really does not have any use for other then the business, but my partner I think keepshimin line so if I do walk out.

    Fifth: I agree If I leave I will need counseling, and probaly a lot of it. I never was dependent on anyone, but at the time went I meet him, and made the move to end my marriage,to start a life with him It screwed up my head a lot
    I never thought I would slow but surely over the years lose my idenity.

    Well I will work onthis problem of mine and what ever is to be is to be, just was looking for honest person to love, not to discieve me.

    Best regard
    Seriousfun !

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 13, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    SeriousFun: do NOT let the like of JayDub put any ideas in your head. Words of advice (or criticism) coming from someone who has been on RJ for three years...and has only TWO guys on his Buddy List.. kinda shows how popular HIS opinion should be!!!
    You have made some excellent points here, and I would love to go into it deeper with you... aside from a Forum where the kind of negativity from guys like JayDub will only bring you down... not help you in any way!!!
    I am all too familiary with the term "Emotional Rollercoaster"... having used it frequently VERY recently. This also, we will discuss in private.
    You have my name and number.