Probably going to get in trouble with this one

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2010 12:15 AM GMT
    But seem to have exhausted my other means of venting, so I'll spew this to you guys as well..icon_confused.gif

    There's this friend of mine that I've known for a little over a year now... I've been attracted to him since the moment I met him and have gone from being "in lust" with him to well... something else; but my daily interactions with him certainly influence how I'm feeling that particular day, if that makes sense.

    He's "straight" but that's questionable. I'd usually be one of the last people to try and pursue something like this, but for some reason this particular guy has a tight grip on me and won't seem to let go.

    There's all these little things that make me thinks he's not, holding my hand in a movie, being flirtatious, we text each other constantly, people say he looks at me "differently" (I'll spare you the rest to not sound like a giddy 12 year old girl)

    But alas, I can't seem to get the whole thing to crack. I've tried to be distant and give him space, but I feel like crap when I do, and he seems to give me more attention when I do that anyway. However when I feel like I'm being aggressive and trying to get some of his attention, it seems like he gets strange, distant, and kind of ignores me.

    Needless to say, I'm stumped and a little emotionally raw over the whole thing.

    What would you guys do?

    Thanks for reading this all.

    -Jordan
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    Apr 12, 2010 12:25 AM GMT
    ...does he know you're gay?
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    Apr 12, 2010 12:26 AM GMT
    Sounds unhealthy to me no matter how or what angle you look from. Personally I would tell him how you feel about him and what you want - directly - not beating around the bush. If he embraces it - than more power to you. If not, than you know where you stand and you can move on.

    Good luck.
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    Apr 12, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    Doug - Yes he does

    PE Teacher - I'm sort of in an awkward situation with that one... someone sort of dropped the ball on that and told him I was into him. I don't really know what his response was but nothing really seemed to change... Frankly, I would love to just stop hanging around him but he's pretty intertwined with all my friends so it's pretty inevitable that I'll see him... plus I've gone a good amount of time without seeing him and it really doesn't make me feel any better.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Apr 12, 2010 12:35 AM GMT
    I second the being blunt approach. Not being able to tell if he's interested is driving you crazy. Getting shot down isn't fun, but it's way more fun than what you're going through -- and not getting shot down is even better than that. Tell the guy you're gay (if you haven't already), you're into him, and you want to date him. And tell the guy that if he's not interested, that's disappointing but you'll get over it, you just need to resolve this. Keep it short, to the point, and avoid any of the needless pressure increases like telling him you've got something important to talk to him about.
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    Apr 12, 2010 12:36 AM GMT
    lol, excellent! The next time he holds your hand, tell him how romantic that is.

    And keep in mind one of Bill and I's favourite songs, posted on this topic today....

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/904462?forumpage=1


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    Apr 12, 2010 12:37 AM GMT
    There's so many "red flags" here. I have to say that it seems unhealthy. Enjoy the friendship that you have with him. Put your feelings aside and just let the relationship work. If you value his friendship, let that be first. If you absolutely want something more than a friendship with him, tell him how you feel, but be prepared for his answer.

    He truly may need you as a friend though, especially if he is questioning his sexuality. Good luck! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 12, 2010 12:41 AM GMT
    To what others have said, I would only ask you to ask yourself the following questions:

    Who's more important to you in this situation? Him or you? His friendship or your emotional stability and well-being? Getting naked with him or being friends with him? Operating in honesty or wallowing in doubt and uncertainty?
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Apr 12, 2010 2:25 AM GMT
    He's under your skin. Sounds like you've done what you can to break his hold. It sounds like you need to get him out of your system. At risk of destroying the friendship, I think you need to take action. You can try talking to him, but people aren't always able to express or be honest about their emotions. So, the only other option is making a move. Go in for a kiss and see how he reacts. But, this is risky. As I've already said, you could succeed in totally alienating him if you're wrong -- or if he's totally unready. But, no risk no reward. You either need to try harder to get past him or you need to make something happen.
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    Apr 12, 2010 2:28 AM GMT
    First and foremost, I agree with all of you. Thank you guys so much for all the responses.

    Sometimes you know the right thing to do, but it's so damn difficult to just do it.

    As far as making a move is concerned.... I've never really been good at that. I'm always the guy thinking "wait... was that in invite? Idiot"

    I'll figure out something I suppose. Sometimes these things are just more difficult to deal with when you're having a "bad day" I guess.
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    Apr 12, 2010 2:52 AM GMT
    xGromtix - I can sympathize with your situation, as I've been in one similar not too long ago.

    For me, it ended up that he and I went out on a few dates, and while I was feeling it hardcore for him, it led that it would be better if we were just really good friends, and not more. But like everyone else said, and what you're feeling for this guy of yours, you need to decide what's best. My advice is simply to talk to him, and go from there (and if he knows that you have feelings for him already, and he hasn't changed his behavior towards you, I think its a good bet that it won't be a super awkward situation).
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    Apr 12, 2010 2:53 AM GMT
    I would agree with the blunt option because if you say nothing you are going to be miserable no matter what. Atleast if you tell him the truth you have chance of hearing something you would want to hear. Not to give you false hope, but atleast one option does give you the chance to change something about the situation you are in
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    Apr 12, 2010 3:03 AM GMT
    Typing out the words that everyone gives good advice is one thing. Actually applying it is a whole different story.

    You've created a nice little fantasy world for yourself thinking your straight friend might be interested. Every so called straight guy that I've ever thought might be interested has made his move to let me know if it's more then just a feeling of friendship. He doesn't drag it out for a year. If he wants it he will make it real clear. I don't see a need to talk to him about it. He's had a year to express any feelings he may have for you. Just move on. No you aren't going to be miserable if this doesn't end perfectly. It's more fantasy then reality.

    Part of this type of fantasy always includes that the reason he never says anything is because he's scared to admit it. Trust me, thats romanticising the whole situation. A closet case will let you know if he's interested. He won't leave you guessing. It eats at him too much.

    My guess is he is completely aware of your attraction to him and finds it cute and unintentionally flirts back and doesn't even realize what he's doing but that doesn't mean he wants you. I can look back and think of a girl in school that had a major crush on me and I did pretty much the same back at her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I found the admiration adorable but there was zero personal interest in her.

    The ball is now in your court to stop making excuses in how to deal with it and heres the answer. Let the fantasy go. The only reason you aren't applying all the advice is it would mean letting it go. Tomorrow relegate him to platonic straight friend and move on. A blink of an eye means nothing any more. Text messages are just friendly communication with a plationic straight friend. I wish so much some gay guys who get caught up in fantasizing about straight friends would give themselves a bit of credit that eventually the right gay guy who is gay and accepts it will emerge. It's not as hard as you are suggesting. It means growing up a bit and putting away a fantasy and moving on. Thats all.
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    Apr 12, 2010 3:07 AM GMT
    Oh boy, I'm going against the tribe on this one because something similar happened to me at your age.

    I was at college living in the dorm, and a group of us from the floor would hang out, grab meals, etc. together. There was this one straight guy named Mark that used to cocktease me openly in front of the other guys. He would taunt me openly telling me to admit that I wanted him. We would play the "who's gonna break eye contact first" game. There was more, but like you said, "I'll spare you the rest...".

    The truth was that I did want him, but he was straight.

    So, I hatched a plan. I knew he liked sangria, so I bought a bottle, poured some out, topped it off with Everclear, and stuck it in my dorm fridge.

    One night several weeks later, a group of us were supposed to go up to Fort Lauderdale for the night and hit the clubs on the beach. Mark showed up at my room shortly before the time when everybody was supposed to meet. We were going to all go up together. I offered Mark some sangria while we waited. We drank and kicked back. For whatever reason, the other guys didn't show. The spiked wine did the trick for both of us, and somehow we got into playing the stare game. I moved in and said, "You win" and kissed him on the lips...and he kissed back.

    Mark and I had a few encounters after that, and it was great. But it eventually came to an end. Maybe I was his experiment? Who knows?

    At that time in our lives, Mark was probably not as sure about his sexual orientation as I was. I realized and accepted that I was gay the month before my 17th birthday at the end of my senior year of high school.

    Maybe your friend is straight. Maybe he is not. Maybe he doesn't know yet.

    But when you say that he is: "holding my hand in a movie, being flirtatious, we text each other constantly, people say he looks at me "differently"? To me those are signs that he's into you. But he may not know or be able to act out on what he's feeling.

    Dude, I'd wait for that next moment when you two are totally in private, when he's looking into your eyes "differently", when it seems like the moment is "awkward", and step forward and kiss him.

    Another option is the sleep over. Invite him over to hang out, play music and games. Talk. Do the sleeping bag thing on the floor or something, or if it feels really right and your bed is big enough, share the bed. Somehow during the night, spoon. Then go for the kiss. Make sure there is some way for your to get some low, dim light so that you can look into each other eyes, so that you both can acknowledge what is happening.

    If either of these plays leads to more kissing, deep kissing, and sex, try to keep the talking during the session as minimal as possible to avoid the verbal communication tension during the experience. Read how aggressive or passive he is being in response to your move. If he takes charge and starts making love to you, then let him lead and turn yourself over to his desire for you...his way. If he appears to surrender to you, then take charge and drive him to ecstacy by working him over and "making him do things" that give you pleasure. Don't be surprised if the energy exchange reverses during the play and suddenly he becomes aggressive/passive opposite of how he started. Go with it. This is how you can get a read on whether he sees you as "Bottom", "Top", or "Versatile". He may not know what those words mean, but his desires and body will.

    As much as possible, communicate with your bodies, your eyes, your smiles, and in how you want to pleasure him or to be pleasured. Asking him "Do you like this?" or "How are you doing?" or "Is there something you would like for me to make you feel good?" are all good questions if you're going to be verbal. Adding, "I want to make you feel good". I a subtle way of saying, "I love you".

    Also, start easy. Maybe blow jobs at first. If it feels right go further and join with each other in more intimate lovemaking. But maybe it might be good to save the first fuck for later in the night or some other time.

    Anyway, that's what I would do.

    Good hunting!

    Alan
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    Apr 12, 2010 3:11 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidOh boy, I'm going against the tribe on this one because something similar happened to me at your age.

    I was at college living in the dorm, and a group of us from the floor would hang out, grab meals, etc. together. There was this one straight guy named Mark that used to cocktease me openly in front of the other guys. He would taunt me openly telling me to admit that I wanted him. We would play the "who's gonna break eye contact first" game. There was more, but like you said, "I'll spare you the rest...".

    The truth was that I did want him, but he was straight.

    So, I hatched a plan. I knew he liked sangria, so I bought a bottle, poured some out, topped it off with Everclear, and stuck it in my dorm fridge.

    One night several weeks later, a group of us were supposed to go up to Fort Lauderdale for the night and hit the clubs on the beach. Mark showed up at my room shortly before the time when everybody was supposed to meet. We were going to all go up together. I offered Mark some sangria while we waited. We drank and kicked back. For whatever reason, the other guys didn't show. The spiked wine did the trick for both of us, and somehow we got into playing the stare game. I moved in and said, "You win" and kissed him on the lips...and he kissed back.

    Mark and I had a few encounters after that, and it was great. But it eventually came to an end. Maybe I was his experiment? Who knows?

    At that time in our lives, Mark was probably not as sure about his sexual orientation as I was. I realized and accepted that I was gay the month before my 17th birthday at the end of my senior year of high school.

    Maybe your friend is straight. Maybe he is not. Maybe he doesn't know yet.

    But when you say that he is: "holding my hand in a movie, being flirtatious, we text each other constantly, people say he looks at me "differently"? To me those are signs that he's into you. But he may not know or be able to act out on what he's feeling.

    Dude, I'd wait for that next moment when you two are totally in private, when he's looking into your eyes "differently", when it seems like the moment is "awkward", and step forward and kiss him.

    Another option is the sleep over. Invite him over to hang out, play music and games. Talk. Do the sleeping bag thing on the floor or something, or if it feels really right and your bed is big enough, share the bed. Somehow during the night, spoon. Then go for the kiss. Make sure there is some way for your to get some low, dim light so that you can look into each other eyes, so that you both can acknowledge what is happening.

    If either of these plays leads to more kissing, deep kissing, and sex, try to keep the talking during the session as minimal as possible to avoid the verbal communication tension during the experience. Read how aggressive or passive he is being in response to your move. If he takes charge and starts making love to you, then let him lead and turn yourself over to his desire for you...his way. If he appears to surrender to you, then take charge and drive him to ecstacy by working him over and "making him do things" that give you pleasure. Don't be surprised if the energy exchange reverses during the play and suddenly he becomes aggressive/passive opposite of how he started. Go with it. This is how you can get a read on whether he sees you as "Bottom", "Top", or "Versatile". He may not know what those words mean, but his desires and body will.

    As much as possible, communicate with your bodies, your eyes, your smiles, and in how you want to pleasure him or to be pleasured. Asking him "Do you like this?" or "How are you doing?" or "Is there something you would like for me to make you feel good?" are all good questions if you're going to be verbal. Adding, "I want to make you feel good". I a subtle way of saying, "I love you".

    Also, start easy. Maybe blow jobs at first. If it feels right go further and join with each other in more intimate lovemaking. But maybe it might be good to save the first fuck for later in the night or some other time.

    Anyway, that's what I would do.

    Good hunting!

    Alan


    No offense but it's stories like your's that keeps his fantasy alive. You've let him believe something more could take place but he'd have to get him drunk or make the move himself. I say keep it real, let the fantasy go, find a known gay guy to lose his shit over and move fwd in life.
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    Apr 12, 2010 3:22 AM GMT
    Yeah I know this one well and have heard the same thing from some of my friends. He is into you but not the way you feel about him. He has more than the friends feeling for you and he only knows he can go so far or otherwise he will seem gay (something I am sure he has been programmed against since birth). Find someone else to focus on and let things be. When your friend decides it is time to experiment more then he will let you know.
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    Apr 12, 2010 3:30 AM GMT
    leguy76 saidTyping out the words that everyone gives good advice is one thing. Actually applying it is a whole different story.

    You've created a nice little fantasy world for yourself thinking your straight friend might be interested. Every so called straight guy that I've ever thought might be interested has made his move to let me know if it's more then just a feeling of friendship. He doesn't drag it out for a year. If he wants it he will make it real clear. I don't see a need to talk to him about it. He's had a year to express any feelings he may have for you. Just move on. No you aren't going to be miserable if this doesn't end perfectly. It's more fantasy then reality.

    Part of this type of fantasy always includes that the reason he never says anything is because he's scared to admit it. Trust me, thats romanticising the whole situation. A closet case will let you know if he's interested. He won't leave you guessing. It eats at him too much.

    My guess is he is completely aware of your attraction to him and finds it cute and unintentionally flirts back and doesn't even realize what he's doing but that doesn't mean he wants you. I can look back and think of a girl in school that had a major crush on me and I did pretty much the same back at her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I found the admiration adorable but there was zero personal interest in her.

    The ball is now in your court to stop making excuses in how to deal with it and heres the answer. Let the fantasy go. The only reason you aren't applying all the advice is it would mean letting it go. Tomorrow relegate him to platonic straight friend and move on. A blink of an eye means nothing any more. Text messages are just friendly communication with a plationic straight friend. I wish so much some gay guys who get caught up in fantasizing about straight friends would give themselves a bit of credit that eventually the right gay guy who is gay and accepts it will emerge. It's not as hard as you are suggesting. It means growing up a bit and putting away a fantasy and moving on. Thats all.


    I really appreciate this... I don't want you to think I'm totally delusional. I've thought about everything you've said here, and frankly I'm sure I see things differently that he does because I want them to be that way. Either way. I appreciate your post for sure..

    As far as the drinking thing... I don't drink, ever, much less I feel like that game is really unfair, and frankly I wouldn't feel good about doing that...
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Apr 12, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    xGromitx said
    leguy76 said

    As far as the drinking thing... I don't drink, ever, much less I feel like that game is really unfair, and frankly I wouldn't feel good about doing that...


    I like you already for that one... I feel for you.. thats a shitty situation for sure. Sorry I don't have any good advice, each situation is unique. Good luck
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    Apr 12, 2010 6:04 AM GMT
    Honestly you need to just stop pussyfooting around and do something already with this guy.

    If you are into him then man up and go for the kill. Worst case scenario is that he won't return your affections in which you'll have answer which will allow you to move. You are are only hurting yourself if you hesitate. It kinda sounds like you are lusting after him and mostly because he's just different and gives you a feeling you aren't quite use to getting from others. That's usually a good thing but if you continue to procrastinate then it's something that will be short lived and you'll have no to blame but yourself.

    "Man up" or "bitch out". Those are your only options.
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    Apr 12, 2010 6:25 AM GMT
    A guy is holding your hand....and youre not saying anything??? icon_eek.gificon_eek.gif
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Apr 12, 2010 7:22 AM GMT
    xGromitx saidBut seem to have exhausted my other means of venting, so I'll spew this to you guys as well..icon_confused.gif

    There's this friend of mine that I've known for a little over a year now... I've been attracted to him since the moment I met him and have gone from being "in lust" with him to well... something else; but my daily interactions with him certainly influence how I'm feeling that particular day, if that makes sense.

    He's "straight" but that's questionable. I'd usually be one of the last people to try and pursue something like this, but for some reason this particular guy has a tight grip on me and won't seem to let go.

    There's all these little things that make me thinks he's not, holding my hand in a movie, being flirtatious, we text each other constantly, people say he looks at me "differently" (I'll spare you the rest to not sound like a giddy 12 year old girl)

    But alas, I can't seem to get the whole thing to crack. I've tried to be distant and give him space, but I feel like crap when I do, and he seems to give me more attention when I do that anyway. However when I feel like I'm being aggressive and trying to get some of his attention, it seems like he gets strange, distant, and kind of ignores me.

    Needless to say, I'm stumped and a little emotionally raw over the whole thing.

    What would you guys do?

    Thanks for reading this all.

    -Jordan

    I know this feeling myself... and it can be all-consuming... and determine how you feel on any given day. A lot of what you described makes me wonder if he is gay, but I have ask, does he know you are? Straight guys can be odd. Some are really gay guys in stealth mode, while others just like the attention gay guys given them... they like being desired. I would say you probably need to tell him how you feel, or give him some space and see what he does.

    Depending on whether you want to take the initiative, I would go with option #1. I know that emotionally raw feeling too... and it's difficult sometimes. I would say tell him how you feel (and that you're gay if he doesn't know). If you don't tell him... you may have a new feeling... "what if I had told him this or that"... and then the inevitable thoughts of could I have done something to make him mine. Trust me, I know. I hope everything works out for you Jordan.

  • mrcpu1

    Posts: 51

    Apr 15, 2010 1:34 PM GMT
    Many of us have been there,

    Don't let your heart ache and your psyche continue to get messed up, it's not fun for you nor healthy for you.

    You either need to have a heart to hear talk with him and let him tell you outright he has feelings for you but is nervous, unsure, never done this before, etc...

    Or... come to terms with moving on, meet other people.

    You are near the ocean, there are many fish out there icon_biggrin.gif. Seriously though it might seem hard to meet guys for more than just sex, however good guys are out there and they generally don't come knocking at your door, if they do, you need to answer it!

    Good luck - let us know how it goes and don't be afraid to reach out to this community like you are.

    A bunch of really good guys on here who are genuine.