Social DETOX/ending friendships...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2008 9:30 PM GMT
    Ok so last night I had a moment of clarity...I realized that about 90% of my gay friends in my age group are extremely cocky, shallow,fake and judgemental (most of them are bartenders/aspiring models so I know I'm setting myself up). All they do is talk crap behind each others backs and have to constantly put other people down. It's bad enough that young gay men are already stereotyped with these stigmas. I've been friends with them for about a year now and I realized..."Wow, you guys really don't know ANYTHING about me and you've really never taken to time to get to know me on a personal level, even when I've made the effort to get to know you." To all of the 20somethings that might be in a similar situation chime in. It'd be nice to get some input from the more mature crowd as well.
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    Jan 25, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    Straight people do it, too. If you start detoxing yourself of people who talk about others, you're going to have slim pickin's for friends! Lots of people do it.
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    Jan 25, 2008 9:53 PM GMT
    It's not about the talking crap as much as it's about the overall attitude. The mindset that it's a privelage for me to know you.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jan 25, 2008 9:55 PM GMT
    great minds talk about possibilities...shallow minds talk about people...

    If you are unhappy with who you are hanging out with...find another place to meet people with some substance...volunteer perhaps...

    I have known several of my friends for about 15 years...they always don't aspire to what I want them to...but I sometimes fall short myself...we all aren't perfect...accepting them for WHO they are comes with the territory...

    - David
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Jan 25, 2008 10:01 PM GMT
    I've always believed that a couple really good quality friends is much better than having a bunch of flakey, selfish friends. However, that doesn't mean you should get rid of them. Use them for what they're worth...perhaps they are good to hit the bars and clubs with because a) they are gay and b) they are likely good looking since they are models. So use them as a vehicle to meet others... why not?
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    Jan 25, 2008 10:18 PM GMT
    Remember back in Kindergarten when your mother told you that you would have to choose your friends carefully?

    And in most cases you ARE judged by the company you keep.

    I know thousands of people (literally), I have friendly relations with several hundred, but I can count my FRIENDS on my fingers with several to spare.

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    Jan 25, 2008 10:19 PM GMT
    We attract what we are, not saying that you ARE that person however AT the time you met them there was something common to you and them. So now it sounds as if you have grown in a different way vs. them. Keep in mind, people come in and out of our lives to either teach us something or for us to teach them; it could be for 5min or a lifetime and a regular cleansing of our relationships is healthy and needed. Don't knock them, they mean something to you, just now it's time for you to veer off to different people that's all!

    GOOD LUCK MAN!!
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    Jan 25, 2008 11:06 PM GMT
    If they bring you down, ditch 'em. I decided to stop hanging out with a bunch of my friends who could do nothing more than constantly talk about who was fucking who and what STD's they got from those encounters. I don't think they are bad people, but they were just very negative to be around and I never felt good about myself after hanging out with them. Do I miss them? Not really. Losing them felt a lot like that good feeling you get inside after a very large bowel movement. Ya know, a real double flusher.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 25, 2008 11:55 PM GMT
    Ok Maxx, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I feel what you are seeking is a genuine goodness in your peers. People who you can relate to on a deeper level. People who want you to feel good about knowing yourself as well as have themselves feel good about knowing you.
    We do exist in our age group. These are the people that I surround myself with everyday whome I am privilaged and proud to call my friends and companions.

    I'll site an example of my roomate and I. He is a genuine good person but surrounds himself with the same people you are surrounded by. When I hang around his friends they ask me questions about where I got my shoes and what I think about Britney Spears and other superficial crap that doesnt provoke any intellect or intrest in me or on my part. When he is around my friends, they ask how he likes living here, what is he inspiring for in life, if he has read the books on his book shelf, which one is his favorite, and why?
    His friends think Im lame and a waiste of time to talk to because I dont go to clubs or wont buy them alcohol. My friends think hes great because even though hes all about fashion models and US Weekly, he still has a good heart.

    As we get older we will find those people who are true to our asperations in life. The ones that we leave behind, we can only hope we take away something to learn so we can appreicate what is real.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2008 9:01 PM GMT
    Hey Max, people like that exist in any age group. I call them acquaintances. I'll be nice to them and have a chatty conversation, but I don't trust them and they know very little about me. My true friends are the ones who know me inside and out, who don't gossip around me, who treat people with respect, and can hold a decent conversation. If I feel good after spending time with them I know they are keepers. If I need to get away from them to regroup, or if they always bring me down, then I keep my distance. It's good that you realized this about your friends, and hopefully you can meet better friends.
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    Jan 26, 2008 9:22 PM GMT
    We are the company we keep. If you are wanting more in your friends, then good for you. Don't blame the ones you have - you picked them. Just move on to greener pastures and create the circle of friends who mean more to you and who are net positive in your life. It's a never ending process as we change and as we add/remove people from our lives.

    I agree with dfrourke, ITJock, a1972guy, RBY71, and MikeAlva. Decide what you want in your life, then go out and look for it. It's a process.

    One of the best pieces of advice I ever received (that shook me to my core when I heard it and prompted me to make a LOT of change to my circle of friends): Look at the six people you spend the most time with in your life (including work, home, family - everybody). Those six people are your future. Who they are, you will become.

    Good luck!
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    Jan 26, 2008 9:25 PM GMT
    Yeah, I totally get what you are saying. I've undergone that process last year. I think I've grown up a bit faster then a lot of my friends. And I value those relationships that have more meaning. So I've sort of let those "social" friends go. The ones you're pretty much hanging out and drinking with who are in their late 20s with no sense of direction or self.

    Yeah, I have a much smaller pool of friends, but I'll take quality over quantity any day.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2008 9:37 PM GMT
    gettoknowit saidhttp://www.meditationsociety.com/week10.html


    Hey, thanks for posting that link. This is right up my alley.

    Peace,
    Den
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2008 9:42 PM GMT
    Congratulations. You're an adult, and it happened for you earlier than it does for most gay men.

    So find other adults. That should be easy, because it sounds like you know them when you see them.
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    Jan 26, 2008 9:49 PM GMT
    I think many people, regardless of sexual orientation, sometimes have a difficult time distinguishing between acquaintances and true friends. A true friend or more intimately, a partner, is someone who will be a companion to you in life (meaning, of course, that a true friend with whom you also express love and affection via sex is then "a partner").

    Acquaintances come and go. I've seen guys at my gym that describe other guys as "friends" but don't know their last names. Weird.

    It's true that this happens for guys at any age, but I do believe that the younger the guy is (read that, 20s) the more likely that they equate guys to whom/for whom they have sexual attraction/attractiveness as "friends."

    John