I got ditched because of a relationship.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2010 10:42 PM GMT
    I have been friends with this one guy for a little over a year now. We were really good friends....hung out a lot, talked on the phone regularly, you know - stuff friends do. Then all of a sudden several weeks ago I completely stopped hearing from the guy. We used to talk at least every 3 days, but a couple weeks went by and I heard nothing. If I tried to call him it would go to voicemail and my text messages were ignored. I didn't know what to make of it and I kind of became concerned, to go from being great friends to nothing is weird.

    One day while I was bored at work I was checking out some guy's facebook profile and in his photos section I'm seeing pics of my friend with this guy and they are holding hands and looking like boyfriends. I was kind of shocked. If we were such good friends and told each other everything why did he hide his new relationship from me? I confronted him about it and he got all narcissistic like somehow it was my fault he just decided to stop talking to me and hanging out - he was acting like a completely different person. I told him it would be cool to meet his boyfriend and maybe we could all hang out sometime and that has yet to happen. Now we never talk or hangout anymore and all I get is an occasional lame text message or facebook comment. It's kind of like "oh here's my obligatory txt message just so you know we're technically still friends but I don't want to act like we're friends." He has been seeing this guy for months now and nothing between him and I has improved.

    I really cared about this guy as a friend and only a friend, and to have him just cut me out of his life once he starts dating someone is very weird to me. It makes me feel used, like he just wanted me around for company until he met a new boyfriend. Should I try to repair things or just never respond to his once a month txt message? I don't want to create an enemy but I'm disappointed and frankly a bit mad. I understand when people start dating and they are in the honeymoon and want to spend every minute together, but this seems to be different than that. Any advice?
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    Apr 12, 2010 10:54 PM GMT
    Please accept my condolences for the loss of your friend. The only thing you can do at this point is move on. You've given every indiction that you'd be interested in keeping the friendship alive, even after he sort of disappeared on you and he's just not interested. Cut your losses.

    As for his motivations, maybe he didn't consider this friendship as 'good' as you did. Maybe he felt like he 'left' you for possibly greener pastures of a boyfriend. Whatever. Asshole.

  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Apr 12, 2010 11:03 PM GMT
    My advice is to stop responding to his texts. If you can tell from his texts that he's communicating with you out of obligation, then there is no friendship. He should communicate with you because he wants to, not because he feels he has to.

    As to why he's behaving the way he is — I'm thinking it's because he may have wanted more than just a friendship with you. So when he started dating, he felt the relationship you two had wouldn't work anymore.

    Under different circumstances I wouldn't advise someone to break-up the friendship (what's left of it) simply because there is less talk between them. Some good friends may not have talked to each other for months or years, but they consider themselves very close. The reason I suggest you drop this guy is because of his secretive nature regarding the boyfriend. Which is I believe he was prepping you up to be one.
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    Apr 12, 2010 11:06 PM GMT
    creature saidMy advice is to stop responding to his texts. If you can tell from his texts that he's communicating with you out of obligation, then there is no friendship. He should communicate with you because he wants to, not because he feels he has to.

    As to why he's behaving the way he is — I'm thinking it's because he may have wanted more than just a friendship with you. So when he started dating, he felt the relationship you two had wouldn't work anymore.

    Under different circumstances I wouldn't advise someone to break-up the friendship (what's left of it) simply because there is less talk between them. Some good friends may not have talked to each other for months or years, but they consider themselves very close. The reason I suggest you drop this guy is because of his secretive nature regarding the boyfriend. Which is I believe he was prepping you up to be one.


    Wow, I guess I didn't think of that, but you may be right. I have some friends where we can go for weeks or months without seeing each other and then just pick up where we left off, but this one is different. Thanks for the insight!
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Apr 12, 2010 11:14 PM GMT
    You're welcome.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2010 11:42 PM GMT
    I once had a good friend who would "kick me to the curb" when he'd start dating someone. The first time he did it was tough. To go from hanging out every day to nothing at all was like a slap in the face. Some guys just don't have the ability to balance dating and friendships.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Apr 12, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    unfounded7 saidI once had a good friend who would "kick me to the curb" when he'd start dating someone. The first time he did it was tough. To go from hanging out every day to nothing at all was like a slap in the face. Some guys just don't have the ability to balance dating and friendships.


    I had a similar experience. I had a friend who would go from relationship to relationship. Rarely would they last very long, maybe a few months. When he was single, I'd see him a lot. When he was partnered, it was like I didn't exist. I didn't expect a lot of interaction, but getting together at least once in a while would have been nice. I got tired of being a yo-yo and called him on it (initially in a nice way). But the pattern kept repeating. I tried really hard one last time to make him aware of what he was doing, and I told him I wasn't sure I'd be there for him the next time he was single. Months passed and he called me out of the blue. He acted as nothing happened. I asked how his boyfriend was, and he said they'd broken up. He continued on with updates on what was going on in his life, but he hit a dead zone and the call dropped. I never called him back.

    I finally interacted with him again after moving to and coming back from New York. Our friendship isn't the same, but I think it's a friendship we can both live with.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Apr 12, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    Some people are like that, but all you can do is accept things for what they are and base your decisions on that. Do you know if he was this same way towards all or any more of his friends besides you?
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    Apr 13, 2010 12:14 AM GMT
    Hey creature.. Just I decided how I was going to word my reply I saw yours. Dayum, that's right on!

    -Doug
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    Apr 13, 2010 12:16 AM GMT
    I read your profile and you seem like a great guy. I'd have to agree that the only answer I can fathom is he saw or hoped for more than "just good friends" with you. Why else would he not have kept the friendship going? What is great about getting older, is the number of situations that become clearer. The behavior of people from my past (good and not so) makes more sense now. Bad behavior is far more their failing than mine (long as I did nothing to hurt anyone).

    I have a guy like that here on R.J. He actually treats me with contempt because I entered into my present relationship about a year ago. Before that we used to talk for hours, several times a week. He knows exactly who he is.....no question. I've tried to remain friendly, and one of his friends has tried to help out, but to no avail. That's fine - I guess I'm getting served some prairie style justice.

    You're deserving of someone terrific for yourself. You'll get that soon enough. I wouldn't spend a lot more time on this guy. There are so many great guys out there who would be lucky to have you as a friend - - - or more.
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    Apr 13, 2010 12:20 AM GMT
    lawguy920 saidI really cared about this guy as a friend and only a friend, and to have him just cut me out of his life once he starts dating someone is very weird to me. It makes me feel used, like he just wanted me around for company until he met a new boyfriend. Should I try to repair things or just never respond to his once a month txt message? I don't want to create an enemy but I'm disappointed and frankly a bit mad. I understand when people start dating and they are in the honeymoon and want to spend every minute together, but this seems to be different than that. Any advice?


    I know how you feel. I've had something similar happen with a friend several years ago. What I found was that I didn't know the whole situation about what was going on with my friend and his partner. And, when their relationship fell apart, me and other friends were there to help pick him back up when he fell.

    We all missed being a part of his life during that time he was away, but we were there for him when he needed us despite the period of distant infrequent communication.

    I learned that sometimes I just have to let friends go when they choose to go. And, I can choose whether or not to be there if and when they return.

    Ultimately, I've learned that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And, I will only know who is who when my own life comes to an end.

    "I'll see you on the other side."

    Aloha and Be Well!

    Alan
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    Apr 13, 2010 12:40 AM GMT
    I agree there has to be something up and he most likely he had a thing for you. He probably feels used or pissed off that you didn't want to be more than friends with him and he probably still has residual feelings for ya. Break it off. I imagine it might be tempting to bring this up with him but personally i don't think that's a can of worms that needs to be opened.
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    Apr 13, 2010 12:48 AM GMT
    Maybe he wanted you to be more than friends but never admitted it.
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    Apr 13, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    Thanks guys for your sincere replies. I definitely appreciate it and it has given me some things to think about. Who knew a bunch of strangers in an online forum could be so helpful. LOL icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 13, 2010 1:29 AM GMT
    Man, I am sorry. But these things happen. A lot of men (and women) when they meet someone special the first couple of months they disappear. I am pretty sure you are not the only one who misses him as their friend. I am sure he cut off a lot of his other friends, as well to accommodate his new love.

    I know it is not right and all that and friends shouldn't do that and blah blah blah but that's what happens. All you can do is love him as your good friend, especially since you've been friends for all that time and nothing beyond that. Please don't go out confronting him about it. Perhaps, until something was certain and more rigid, I am sure your friend would have told you about him and his relationship. Perhaps, you vested a lot more time and made a lot more out-of the friendship you shared with him than he did.

    A lot of friends of mine have done that to me when they got a boyfriend. I have done it to my friends too. It was not something I planned for and one day I met a great guy I partnered with for long time. I remember the first two months I disappeared from my friends. I wanted to spend every day with him and until I had something solid to share with my friends I waited to tell them.

    Give your friend the time. If you had feelings for him and feel kind of jealous, that's a different story. Please dont make too much out of it, keep living!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 13, 2010 4:54 AM GMT
    Lots of people forget about their friends when they get involved, there's a guy in my group of friends who always chooses to spend time with his girlfriend instead of with the group, to the point he's sorta alienating himself. Give him time, he might come around.
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    Apr 13, 2010 5:02 AM GMT
    He's a drama queen. I'd let him go and find someone more stable.
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    Apr 13, 2010 5:08 AM GMT
    Same thing happened to me a little over a year ago. Someone I was close to just stopped returning my calls and texts. I decided it was best to let him go.

    There are better quality people out there; hang in there icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 13, 2010 5:09 AM GMT
    He either wanted something more from you, or he has a jealous controlling new boyfriend.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Apr 13, 2010 5:11 AM GMT
    I had a friend for 7 years who I felt very connected to. We were not romantically involved, but did a lot of social stuff together through our 20's and until I was about 32. I went through a lot of family trouble which he seemed to have trouble dealing with (my father died, then my brother suicided). When he found a partner, he broke off the friendship. I have seen him once at a party, but it was as if we had never been friends. I haven't had a lot of luck with gay male friendships enduring.
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    Apr 13, 2010 5:34 AM GMT
    I would just have to say that people will come and go in your life and maybe what this guy was doing was treating the friendship between you two as something a little more. I come across situations frequently where one person does not make the correct judgment call when they assume the other person feels like they do. One person may feel that the other person is their best friend but the other person may not feel that way in return. And please understand me when I say I'm not saying you were wrong for thinking what you thought.

    But maybe in his eyes he just saw you as a friend, and apparently a friend to him is someone he can toss away when a relationship comes along. Perhaps your idea of a friend is much different than his definition.
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    Apr 13, 2010 5:46 AM GMT
    It happens. Straight or gay, when some people get into relationships they get tunnel vision. I have known people to disappear for months in that situation.

    All I can say is that a good friend will always make him/herself available to you even if they get busy they will find ways to let you know they are still there even if they cannot be with you as much.
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    Apr 13, 2010 5:53 AM GMT
    This seems common practice in the gay world. Either itsbthe bf making him be selective over friends or jealousy or loads of other excuses. It's another of those boring gay issues that seem to have blighted how people interact.

    Getting a bf seems to mean people have to disconnect from friends. If they can not be bothered to treat a friend as they should:walk away.

    why should someone ditch a friend of years for a bf of months and maybe (more then likely) not forever.

    I find the friends v bfs in life an intresting debate. As others will say: friends are for life, bfs arnt and vice versa.
  • Mako_Shark

    Posts: 222

    Apr 13, 2010 7:08 AM GMT
    I'll be your new friend icon_smile.gif