Broken libido post break up... :-(

  • Aqualad

    Posts: 11

    Apr 13, 2010 6:49 AM GMT
    Ok, so here's what I'm currently struggling with, and I'm curious about what anyone else's experiences or thoughts might be:

    I broke up with the guy that I've been in love and monogamous with for the past few years. Suffice it to say that long term this was undoubtedly the right decision for me, for many very valid reasons, despite it making me very sad indeed in the short term. So I understand and accept that time will eventually heal the emotional pain, but I'm trying to move on with my life, including meeting new people. The thing is... I'm just NOT finding myself very sexually turned on anymore. It's like my libido is on mute, UNLESS I'm thinking of my ex, in which case, instant raging boner. So obviously this is not very progressive, trying to move on while still being totally sexually hung up on my ex.

    Any practical suggestions on HOW to "re-set" my libido? It's embarrassing to hang out or almost hook up with a guy who's interested and yet feel no rush of desire myself.

    Appreciate any suggestions or thoughts guys...
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    Apr 13, 2010 8:12 AM GMT
    This is the exact problem I had for a long time after my ex broke up with me, I couldn't even get it up for guys really...When we got back together the second we hugged I got a raging boner.

    So no, I never found a fix really...except for that guy icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 13, 2010 10:39 AM GMT
    How long has it been since your break-up?

    I wouldn't worry about it, personally. I had the same thing after my last break-up, I just was not sexually interested at all for a few months. I can't even remember wanting to wank much!

    But, when the pain of the break-up had faded a bit, I got back in the saddle so to speak, and was fine.

    No one else can tell you when you're ready, just don't force yourself until you are.
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    Apr 13, 2010 6:10 PM GMT
    Viagra
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    Apr 13, 2010 6:42 PM GMT
    Our cocks are like little pets we train. We teach them to respond to certain things and then reward them with an orgasm. In this instance, you seemed to have trained your cock to respond to your ex. The trick is to now train your cock to other things.

    Jerk off. Your cock responds well enough to that.
    Now play with a friend. Give him head while you jerk off. That way you combine the familiar stimulus (jerking off) with another (somebody else).
    Soon, you can wade into deeper waters and try responding to head or an ass.

    But, this all could just be a case of nerves. A little time and a drink or two might break those down until you re-pop your cherry and discover again how great sex can be.
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    Apr 13, 2010 6:44 PM GMT
    I was just about to post "Have a couple of drinks first, to lower your clearly stated inhibitions, and enjoy someone."

    The cure for your old man...is a new one.
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    Apr 13, 2010 6:57 PM GMT
    Two things:

    1) Always listen to the Zombie

    2) This is completely normal. I had a difficulty with sex after my breakup for, oh, over a year. Not saying you'll be as bad as me, but everyone I know experiences the same thing.
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    Apr 13, 2010 7:01 PM GMT
    iguanaSF saidTwo things:

    1) Always listen to the Zombie

    2) This is completely normal. I had a difficulty with sex after my breakup for, oh, over a year. Not saying you'll be as bad as me, but everyone I know experiences the same thing.

    3) Always listen to Iguana
  • Aqualad

    Posts: 11

    Apr 14, 2010 6:12 AM GMT
    Well, guys thanks for the replies and suggestions!

    Zombie, your graded exposure approach makes good sense to my scientific mind, I think that's the way I'll go. I've already been working on getting a good response from jerking off, with some positive results. (TMI? Hahaha!)

    There's absolutely no problem with nerves for me at all though... I'm as cool and at ease with myself or even with being undressed around another guy as ever... it's just that, as I said, no fireworks. I agree that I've subconsciously programmed my libido to respond primarily to one guy, but geez I certainly didn't intend to, and I wish it was easier (and faster) to DE-program!

    Alcohol isn't going to help me though... all that does is make me very silly and hype my all ready acute sense of the ridiculous, while reducing my coordination! I'll just end up laughing at whomever I'm trying to fool around with! That might not enhance things...

    Relieved to know that this has happened to some of you other guys though, thanks for sharing, and helping to reassure me that this too shall pass.

    As instructed I shall listen to the Zombie and to the Iguana!

    :-)
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    Apr 14, 2010 6:17 AM GMT
    Aqualad saidWell, guys thanks for the replies and suggestions!

    Zombie, your graded exposure approach makes good sense to my scientific mind, I think that's the way I'll go. I've already been working on getting a good response from jerking off, with some positive results. (TMI? Hahaha!)


    no, but a video link would help. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Aqualad

    Posts: 11

    Apr 16, 2010 4:05 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Lostboy said[/cite]


    no, but a video link would help. icon_rolleyes.gif[/quot

    Really! Well, there's a thought...I'll have to see what I can do. ;-)
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 16, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    I was almost going to start a similar thread like this. Due to a string of jerks lately I don't think about sex much or even want to. I know it's not physical because once I do meet a sweet guy everything works accordingly.....it's just few and very far between.
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    Apr 16, 2010 4:32 AM GMT
    for a temporary time period, i think psychologists and doctors might not think this is a problem...however, if it's been a long while (ie. months), I might suggest fairly quickly to consider talking it over with someone you trust, as well as a professional health care provider. sometimes depression can cause a lower level of libido, too...and i'm not saying you are depressed...there are any number of potential causes.

    hang in there and give it time, buddy
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Apr 18, 2010 4:15 PM GMT
    I got the same problem man, except that I didn`t get dumped. I still haven`t figured out what to do about it, but I found that Life is a bit easier if your not out for the next Fuck/Boyfriend.
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    Apr 18, 2010 4:40 PM GMT
    I think what you're going through is quite natural. When my partner of over twelve years called it off, I was pretty numb, just operating on auto-pilot. I don't think I even had any sexual feeling whatsoever, the first six months.
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    Apr 18, 2010 4:42 PM GMT
    I had the same thing happen when I got out of a relationship a few years ago. I found that I had just gotten used to being sexual only with that one person, so even when I was extremely attracted to a new guy.. things didn't always work out.

    It just took time. Like others have said.. I re-trained myself to respond in different situations. And beating off played a huge role in that.


    LET THE MASTURBATION COMMENCE! icon_twisted.gif
  • TannerMasseur

    Posts: 7893

    Apr 18, 2010 5:03 PM GMT
    It's so damaging ain't it? When one ur so n2 & been amazingly intimate w decides just wants 2 be friends. But how can u agree 2 just be friends when ur still sexually atrracted 2 him? It's a Catch 22. U try 2 move on but the joy is gone. Like u wish there was a "forget him" pill u can take u know?! Wish it was dat easy.....
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    Apr 22, 2010 3:04 AM GMT
    This may seem shocking, but you could... i don't know not have sex for awhile. Eventually there will be a guy that gives you the spark and feeling you're longing for. "Waiting for the right person" isn't just for heterosexuals, it works for us too. When i was 16 i found it easy to pound any thing with a whole, but now that i'm 22 and i've had two long term relationships I find that it takes the entire person to turn me on, not just their hot body. Perhaps the guys you're trying to screw aren't truly fulfilling so you're not getting a reaction out of it.
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    Apr 22, 2010 3:22 AM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidOur cocks are like little pets we train. We teach them to respond to certain things and then reward them with an orgasm. In this instance, you seemed to have trained your cock to respond to your ex. The trick is to now train your cock to other things.

    Jerk off. Your cock responds well enough to that.
    Now play with a friend. Give him head while you jerk off. That way you combine the familiar stimulus (jerking off) with another (somebody else).
    Soon, you can wade into deeper waters and try responding to head or an ass.

    But, this all could just be a case of nerves. A little time and a drink or two might break those down until you re-pop your cherry and discover again how great sex can be.


    lol.... this response is like an attempt at cognitive behavioral therapy... I dont think its that simple, in his case, anyway. He isnt pavlov's dog and its not operant conditioning. lol.

    I think the OP needs time to mourn the loss (figurative) of the relationship and to accept it. Once he has moved on, he will find that other people will also be able to fill this void that he clearly feels is only fillable by his ex... .
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    Jun 02, 2010 9:14 PM GMT
    Read your post - went through similar a few months ago. I agree with Zombie - a little - " Jerk off. Your cock responds well enough to that.
    Now play with a friend. Give him head while you jerk off. That way you combine the familiar stimulus (jerking off) with another (somebody else)."

    Let me tell you my story:

    Broke up with my ex after 5 years. Had your same problem. 1 day asked my best friend of 13 years to take new pics of me to post on Facebook and some "other sites". Told him some may be revealing. He had no problem with that. He was someone I trusted completely and was familiar with. Heck - we had seen each other naked several times, in the gym, etc. Was not attracted to him at all. He was in a 3 yr relationship.

    We met 1 day when we were both off, over at his place to take photos and his man was at work. All innocent. Started taking photos and eventually more clothes came off for my other sites. Told him to put in a porn so I could "look" impressive. No biggie. He did. I got excited and started doing my thing for the pics. Saw that he was getting excited too. It was a hot scene almost from out of a movie. Finally got the courage to ask him to jerk off together on the couch.

    He sat next to me touching legs and we did. It was hot. He asked if he could jerk me and I let him while I touched his chest. We both had a great release. Some of you may think I'm crazy, but let me tell what what came from it.

    1. I felt secure and trusted my friend, just like my ex. It was familiar. We never talked about it again and it never happened again.
    2. It jump started my libido again. It was the kick I needed.
    3. It provided more food for some other fantasies where I replaced my best friend with a hot guy.
    4. About a month later, he mentioned to me that it was the kick his relationship needed as he copied the whole scene with his man. They went much further.

    It really started out all innocent. But it was good for all. That's my take on it.
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    Jun 02, 2010 9:19 PM GMT
    TMNT saidThis may seem shocking, but you could... i don't know not have sex for awhile. Eventually there will be a guy that gives you the spark and feeling you're longing for. "Waiting for the right person" isn't just for heterosexuals, it works for us too. When i was 16 i found it easy to pound any thing with a whole, but now that i'm 22 and i've had two long term relationships I find that it takes the entire person to turn me on, not just their hot body. Perhaps the guys you're trying to screw aren't truly fulfilling so you're not getting a reaction out of it.


    QFT.
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    Jun 02, 2010 10:04 PM GMT
    icon_sad.gif
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    Aug 04, 2010 5:22 PM GMT
    Give yourself time. A part of getting over your ex is to learn how to be sexually aroused by other people. Potential mates, in the mean time make sure youre physically okay, check yourself out at your physician and then make a plan to get in /maintain or get better into shape. This means not only your physical and mental self but your sexual self too.

    Go out of your comfort zone when it comes to sex, perhaps by doing so you'll discover another side of yourself you've not explored and along w/that would come human benefits.

    Recognize your horney cycles your body has them and act on them. Realize that some times " paying for it" is beneficial to you. When it come to your sexual health especially after an ltr take the time to heal, get informed, be good to yourself and play. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    I seem to have this problem without ever being in a relationship. I'm just sick of how most men are and even hot guys aren't turning me on anymore.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Aug 04, 2010 5:55 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidOur cocks are like little pets we train. We teach them to respond to certain things and then reward them with an orgasm. In this instance, you seemed to have trained your cock to respond to your ex. The trick is to now train your cock to other things.

    Jerk off. Your cock responds well enough to that.
    Now play with a friend. Give him head while you jerk off. That way you combine the familiar stimulus (jerking off) with another (somebody else).
    Soon, you can wade into deeper waters and try responding to head or an ass.

    But, this all could just be a case of nerves. A little time and a drink or two might break those down until you re-pop your cherry and discover again how great sex can be.


    exactly what he said.