My Confession: I've Been Totally Duped

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 2:57 PM GMT
    Yep, just another story about an internet romance.

    Ok, so I'm not shocked that it didn't work out, but now I feel really sorry for the guy he is currently in a relationship with.

    An RJer put me on his hotlist in October of 2009. I liked his pictures and profile so I did the same for him. He wrote me a sweet note and his profile only read that he was currently "dating". That could either mean dating multiple guys, or maybe just dating one guy.....but I would never consider "dating" as a serious relationship.

    So we started writing, about 10-20 emails a day, lol. Well I found out in late December the guy that he was just "dating" was also living with him. That was a real shocker and I kinda gave him hell for that. He wrote back that they've only been dating for about a year, and have only been monogamous for about 6 months. That he wanted something more long term but the other guy turned him down in terms of a legal "marriage" that's available in his location. He said he really wants it to work with this current guy, but he likes me so much he is confused. He finally changed his status to "monogamous" after this conversation and instead of talking about all the sexual activities we were going to do to each other when we met, we started to converse as good friends. Yes, we had plans to meet, although we are quite a few hrs away from each other. It was still very difficult for me to just be friends, and I still was a bit upset that I got myself into this mess because his profile said "dating" and I was duped into believing he was available. But for me, a guy has to be single before I could consider dating him of course.

    So anyway, our emails have kinda petered out. I thought it might be because we are no longer talking about sex or being lovey-dovey like we used to before I found out he was living with a guy and in a relationship. However, he stopped writing altogether in the last few weeks.

    This morning I noticed his SO now has a profile on RJ and his profile started the same time my "friend's" emails stopped. Low and behold his SO's profile indicated their romance started over 2 years ago! And it sounds like his SO moved out there 2 years ago for him!

    Kinda devastated that really the whole thing was a farce. A little scared that I could have been the next guy that could have fallen for this. Sad that his partner has to put up with his shit.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2010 3:59 PM GMT
    Did you ever meet him face to face?
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 4:17 PM GMT
    BlkMuscleGent saidDid you ever meet him face to face?


    No. We had plans to though, at one time. He is who he says he is, and his pictures and everything is accurate so no issues with that.
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    Apr 14, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    More proof how the Internet has turned dating and relationships on their heads. It is so much easier to lie and deceive with the anonymity of the web. It really does bring out a side of people that is ugly as hell - probably always there, but easier to pull off now (as opposed to, say, when you had to speak face to face to get to know somebody, making deception so much more difficult).

    Celt, it totally sucks... and it infuriates me for a bunch of reasons. Mostly cuz it hurts good guys like you. Sounds to me like he was getting off on your hot email exchanges, that his "confusion" was just to try to keep the flirting going. That's bullshit... he's weak and an asshole.

    icon_evil.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 14, 2010 5:04 PM GMT
    I'm a bit wary about forum relationships, I got burned on another forum.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 5:13 PM GMT
    Thanks DJD. The thing is, I already have some "trust issues" and I just feel this will put me back a few yrs in trusting anyone again. Join the club, right? I rarely let people "in" and although this relationship just gradually turned into a "friendship", it was all entirely based on lies.

    He is now saying there was no passion or intimacy involved in our correspondence, which is basically saying it never happened, although I really did put myself out there. I guess that's what it is was worth.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 5:13 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidI'm a bit wary about forum relationships, I got burned on another forum.


    I am very wary....believe me. He went in under radar.
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    Apr 14, 2010 5:19 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidThanks DJD. The thing is, I already have some "trust issues" and I just feel this will put me back a few yrs in trusting anyone again. Join the club, right? I rarely let people "in" and although this relationship just gradually turned into a "friendship", it was all entirely based on lies.

    He is now saying there was no passion or intimacy involved in our correspondence, which is basically saying it never happened, although I really did put myself out there. I guess that's what it is was worth.


    All I can say is sometimes when you go fishing, you pull up more seaweed than fish. Doesn't mean there aren't good fish out there... I hope this creep doesn't set you back that much, because that would make what he did even worse. Keep throwing the line back in... you're too good and hot to be off the market because of him. Do it for the sake of the honest single guy who is out there looking for just the kind of guy you are. It's worth it.

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 5:42 PM GMT
    DjDorchester said
    Celticmusl saidThanks DJD. The thing is, I already have some "trust issues" and I just feel this will put me back a few yrs in trusting anyone again. Join the club, right? I rarely let people "in" and although this relationship just gradually turned into a "friendship", it was all entirely based on lies.

    He is now saying there was no passion or intimacy involved in our correspondence, which is basically saying it never happened, although I really did put myself out there. I guess that's what it is was worth.


    All I can say is sometimes when you go fishing, you pull up more seaweed than fish. Doesn't mean there aren't good fish out there... I hope this creep doesn't set you back that much, because that would make what he did even worse. Keep throwing the line back in... you're too good and hot to be off the market because of him. Do it for the sake of the honest single guy who is out there looking for just the kind of guy you are. It's worth it.




    Awww....that's very good and sweet advice. Thanks! I will try to be there when the right guy comes along.
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    Apr 14, 2010 8:24 PM GMT

    Celt -

    That SUCKS for a bunch of reasons. #1 because I very much doubt that the jerk who strung you along gave a moment of thought to what effect his deception would have on you, your trust in your own judgement and your trust in other guys. #2 because you certainly don't deserve this crap. #3 because of what his bf is putting up with; and #4 (but not the last or the least) because his conduct makes every one incline toward being just that little bit more suspicious, cynical and guarded.

    The more I think about it, the madder I get !

    Anyhow, I hope you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the mix a.s.a.p. You seem like a great guy and I hate to think that you will be sidelined for too long. You deserve better and there is some lucky guy out there who will one day meet you.

    All the best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2010 8:39 PM GMT
    One of the reasons I don't invest any emotions until we actually meet and I see it's for real. Been burned before as well.

    Sux.
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    Apr 14, 2010 8:41 PM GMT
    DjDorchester saidAll I can say is sometimes when you go fishing, you pull up more seaweed than fish. Doesn't mean there aren't good fish out there... I hope this creep doesn't set you back that much, because that would make what he did even worse. Keep throwing the line back in... you're too good and hot to be off the market because of him. Do it for the sake of the honest single guy who is out there looking for just the kind of guy you are. It's worth it.

    I use the fishing analogy a lot myself. As any fisherman will tell you, ya gotta drop bait dozens of times to get a nibble. And only a few nibbles will result in hooking one. And then what you haul in isn't always a keeper.

    Not a favorable ratio, but eventually you land a catch. So it is with men. Patience & persistence are your allies. You won't catch anything if you cut bait and go home.
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    Apr 14, 2010 8:46 PM GMT
    Nothing, and absolutely nothing, is real until you meet in person in real life.

    I think you have been naive. I realise that people in America seem to live hours and hours apart from each other and that it's difficult to meet that guy you think is going to be "the one", but really that is no excuse for getting emotionally involved with someone you haven't really met.

    It's easy to lie and deceive on the interweb, a lot less easy in reality.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 9:01 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidNothing, and absolutely nothing, is real until you meet in person in real life.

    I think you have been naive. I realise that people in America seem to live hours and hours apart from each other and that it's difficult to meet that guy you think is going to be "the one", but really that is no excuse for getting emotionally involved with someone you haven't really met.

    It's easy to lie and deceive on the interweb, a lot less easy in reality.



    Like I said, I'm not surprised at the outcome that things didn't work out, just how they didn't work out. I could still have met him, and have met people in real life, that wasn't honest about their relationship status, and meeting him would not tell me if he was single or in an ltr for the last few years.

    I knew what I could lose by investing anything in this, so I didn't go into it with blinders on, but I had to try. It is a bit difficult for me to find someone that likes my goofy quirky side instead of expecting a hard ass jock. Also, the guys that I do meet in real life wants sex much sooner than I am comfortable with, so corresponding until a certain comfort level is helpful for me to relax about that a bit.

    Naive or just stupid......eh....I dunno anymore.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 14, 2010 9:08 PM GMT
    I think if you are going to be serious about someone and employ the faith and trust either in a relationship or even a very good friendship, I think you have to either meet the other individual (in person) and spend time or some other means to help validate who the other person is in fact. While most of my experiences have mostly been positive, I've had an instance or two that have left cause for education..... icon_sad.gif
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 9:12 PM GMT
    flieslikeabeagle said
    Celt -

    That SUCKS for a bunch of reasons. #1 because I very much doubt that the jerk who strung you along gave a moment of thought to what effect his deception would have on you, your trust in your own judgement and your trust in other guys. #2 because you certainly don't deserve this crap. #3 because of what his bf is putting up with; and #4 (but not the last or the least) because his conduct makes every one incline toward being just that little bit more suspicious, cynical and guarded.

    The more I think about it, the madder I get !

    Anyhow, I hope you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the mix a.s.a.p. You seem like a great guy and I hate to think that you will be sidelined for too long. You deserve better and there is some lucky guy out there who will one day meet you.

    All the best.


    Lol, yeah I like your math FLB. I think number 1 is very true. I think that the period of over two weeks without him emailing me back from my last email proves he just wanted the issue to go away, regardless of how I feel or what I understand. He was able to talk his guy into believing it was just about fitness advice, and I think at that point he was just cool about never having to deal with me again.

    He had the kahunas to tell me a couple of months ago how hard it is for him to like someone while still being in a relationship.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 14, 2010 9:13 PM GMT
    Hey, what Adrien (MMT Muscle) said... absolutely agree.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 9:21 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidHey, Celt. Don't let this experience deter you from going back out there to meet someone. It was online and this guy knew he was able to play you. But of course it's so easy to manipulate someone when you're behind a keyboard and screen.

    In the future I would merely suggest creating guidelines for yourself and to not invest in guys online. Maybe set up the rule to meet them after a few e-mails instead of weeks of electronic communication. Ask for their phone number. I am betting that this guy didn't offer his phone number? Even when I met guys in public and they wanted my phone number yet they didn't give me theirs - I know there's bullshit in the air. People who hide are hiding for a reason. They are either actively lying to you or lying to themselves and you simply wind up caught up in bullshit.

    I've learned from overly repetitious experience to avoid people who hide.


    Actually, I left out a few details. The first day he emailed me we talked on the phone too. I know his full name and he knows mine. I saw video of him so I know his mannerisms and what he looks like and what he wears. We have sent numerous txt pictures back and forth, eating dinner, walking the dog, trying on new clothes, etc. He is a real person and a real guy. The problem is, he continually lied about his relationship status. We resolved to be just friends back in December, but it was based yet again on new lies about his current relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2010 9:26 PM GMT
    look on the bright side...men are doing just about anything to get into your pants.
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    Apr 14, 2010 9:29 PM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2010 10:09 PM GMT
    were you really duped or did you dupe yourself? Maybe what this is really about is a way of getting even for your hurt feelings and since he's a member on RJ he'll read your comments about the whole situation?

    You have to admit you dragged it out as well. At your age you honestly knew better then to drag things out for so long without not meeting. Any questions you may have had about this guy way back could have been easily answered by a face to face meeting a lot sooner. If that was not going to happen then you needed to not emotionally invest.

    To be honest up until you actually met he owed you zip. That includes any private info. All he was to you was an internet connection or someone you talked to on the phone. If you've stopped communicating basically since December of 09 it sounds like you just simply cannot let things go.

    So what if his relationship was something different then what you thought it was. Just tell yourself it's over with this guy and it's been over and the lesson you already really knew was that the second you start falling for someone on line it's best to bridge the gap and meet or be man enough to say you need to tone down the internet romance a bit or just say lets have fun with this and act like two love sick school kids and talk about things we'd like to do to one another if we were in each others pressence but remember you aren't nor were you ever lovers.

    I do more lurking here then actually responding and thats just fine but what amazes me is how much personal drama strangers share with other strangers on these forums. I think those that comment on those personal dramas are sincere but the truth is who really wants to hear some strangers personal baggage? I suppose it's a nice mental game where one plays the game of sincerity but the truth is they are happy to see they aren't the only person to have gone through those things or they have found someone with more drama then their boring life has going on. Somewhere in there the person sharing an experience about a not so wonderful situation with an internet connection is still missing the point. We are all strangers until we meet and get to know one another face to face. That includes the non sexual, non romantic internet connections as well. I hope you do realize even some of these strangers that give real good advice are potentially 55 shades of fucked up as well.

    I guess my advice to you really is... get over it already. You were a part of your own problem. Next time meet up with someone you spend so much time intimately communicating with on line and if that meeting is not doable then decide do you want to have an internet bf which is nothing but a fantasy where he will always be seen as the perfect mate or simply back off being emotionally tied to all of that realizing you are just playing a mind fuck on yourself when you do that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2010 10:20 PM GMT
    What!!

    Celticmusl is one of the nicest men on here and for him to say he was duped is no reflection on him.
    He is also very intelligent so it goes without saying it took a lot more then we are privy, to dupe him.





    Ha…I said privy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2010 10:30 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidWhat!!

    Celticmusl is one of the nicest men on here and for him to say he was duped is no reflection on him.
    He is also very intelligent so it goes without saying it took a lot more then we are privy, to dupe him.





    Ha…I said privy


    I don't think I questioned his dispostion ( kind, nice, sincere ) or his intelligence.

    I'm just not in the majority of those responding by stroking his hurt feelings but rather challenging his own common sense. Perhaps this is my way of saying he might be too intelligent to have let this happen and whats really going on is a round about way of him trying to send a message to that person who is also a member on RJ which to be honest is what I think is really going on. He can't let it go.

    I think honestly, and this is just my opinion, I'd feel like an idiot if I dragged things out for as long as he did and once it was over any info I found out about that other party would be more laughable to me even if it suggested he had been dishonest.

    I could have ended it early on all on my own. Thats just my take on things but it wasn't about questioning his character and hopefully when he posted all of his personal stuff he realized there might be someone who would not say... oh you poor thing. and if they didn't it doesn't mean they think he's a tool.

    I think it's ridiculous drama that he could have avoided and since it's done and over let it go. I personally wouldn't share stuff like this to a bunch of random strangers on line with the hope of getting emotional validation. Probably not even real life friends but again thats just me.

    No matter what, if he was blind before the shades were pulled off which would be puzzling considering his situation is no different then many other not so happily ever after internet connections, from here on out he needs to set up his own rules of engagement with an on line connection and not faulter from them. I'm guessing he will given that he can't let this situation completely go just yet. I wish him well.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 14, 2010 11:55 PM GMT
    To Leguy,

    I guess I could take your advice easier if you had a picture and you were a verified member. Your profile also began on the day after my "friend" stopped his contact with me. He would also like it if I just instantly "got over it" and there was no harm no foul.

    I take the advice of many on this site as advice of friends because we have been sharing with each other for quite awhile.

    I thought starting this thread was the most cathartic way of dealing with my angst on this subject. Hell, I could send an email to this "friend's" SO telling the SO everything if I just want to cause trouble.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Apr 15, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    You're pretty brave to post about it at all, Celt. That's a whole hell of lot healthier and smarter than your CyberCrush will ever manage. Clearly, his SO is in for a very sad ending somewhere along the line.

    You're a smart, more than good looking, authentically hot by any standard, and a serious minded guy who is worth something more than what you got here. That's not just stroking...it's true. You're pretty fucking smokin', mate! The Tool's addiction is understandable, but the failure to reveal...it's criminal, actually.

    I suspect you had some worries, though, before it came to this moment, and it might be a good time to figure out what prevented you from acting on what I strongly suspect were moments of intuition that told you something was up. But that doesn't excuse his actions, and, frankly, the best part of romance is getting caught up in how it allows you to believe in something. Taking advantage of somebody's heart is, quite possibly, the cruelest act outside of murder.

    Take heart, CM you're a fine, fine man, and soon enough an equally fine man will take you by storm, and we'll all "remember when", and you'll have not two, but one mutual profile here.

    Hang in there, and take care of your heart (it has to be to fit behind those pecs!) It'll be worth it to risk again, once you recover. Keep the faith.

    xo