Am I actually gay?

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    Apr 15, 2010 2:10 AM GMT
    Hey everyone,

    This is Tim from Wisconsin (United States.)

    I'm a 23 year old male and I've been "straight" all my life having 13 female sexual partners starting when I was 18 and stopping around age 20, and then around that time about 3 years ago I started questioning my sexual orientation, and I've been going back and forth about it now to this day ever since then.

    I've been in an out of the psychiatric hospital over 10 times in the past 3 years for suicidal and homicidal feelings related to what I feel is my homosexuality, and all my friends, parents and psychiatrists believe that I'm not homosexual and have labeled me as schizophrenic and my gay thoughts as delusional.

    While I've never had a gay relationship, I have been looking at gay pornography on and off for the past 3 years, and I'm still not sure whether I enjoy it yet. I'm definitely a "bottom" if I am homosexual. However, my theory is that I'm a severely repressed latent homosexual and that's why I've been having trouble accepting it. I've "come out" to everyone over 10 times, each time going back and saying I'm heterosexual, but now I think I'm homosexual again.

    Another theory of mine 2 years ago went that many so-called "mentally ill" people are actually latent homosexuals, and then yesterday I came across this article yesterday which backs up my theory that I am homosexual and that my theory that many mentally ill people are simply repressed latent homosexuals using defense mechanisms to repress their thoughts which in turn manifest as symptoms of "mental illness":

    http://ezinearticles.com/?Latent-Homosexuality:-Paranoid-Delusions-Rage-and-Anxiety&id=381537

    "Others have expressed the opinions that latent homosexuality has been a convenient psychopathological "catch-all" category in which many types pathology are assigned, often, with little or no relationship to homosexuality."

    (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reaction_formation ;

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism)

    I think sexual orientation at its root simply is which *facial SHAPE* one likes. It doesn't depend on breasts, penis, hips, chest, muscles, facial hair, vocal tonality, vagina, buttocks, anus, smile, hip sway, etc - simply the shape of the face.

    Right now I think I like the male face and that I've never actually been attracted to the female face, no matter how much more "pretty" it is in general than the male face.

    I've spent the last 3 years indoors and the last 6 years doing little to nothing - no job, no car, living at home, etc - and the past 3 years has been spent trying to find my true homosexual self, but now I'm at a standstill because I'm really unhappy with my homosexuality if I am homosexual when the original intention in my exploration of my sexuality was to find more happiness in life, ironically.

    Any input, comments, stories, help, anything at all would be appreciated.

    Thank you,
    Tim
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    Apr 15, 2010 2:19 AM GMT
    I wish I could understand latent homosexuality. I really wish I could. It's a very hard concept for me to get since I've never been attracted to a female in my entire life.
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    Apr 15, 2010 2:21 AM GMT
    I have no idea what to say. Hmm....
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    Apr 15, 2010 2:22 AM GMT
    Tim,

    That sounds really tough. My heart goes out to you.
    I'm sure you have already considered this, but could you not just be bisexual?
    I would say try it with a man and if you really enjoy it, you are attracted to men as well as women (or men exclusively).
    If you have sexual feelings towards men, it probably means you would enjoy sex with them.

    Besides that piece of obvious I can offer you no more. However, I hope that you are able to sort things out.

    Hang in there.


    Winnipeg

    PS As far as my own experience, I've known I was gay since I was about seven. Sure I went through a lot of denial and self hate etc but I always knew deep down I liked men (because, well I don't really like women).
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    Apr 15, 2010 2:37 AM GMT
    Tim,

    my 2 cents

    about you being gay: What does your dick tell you? What gets it hard? What makes you come?

    About you being "whatever": Don't try to put a label on you and your sexuality. Allow yourself the freedom to explore instead. It's ALL good. You can be gay and be totally Tim and you can be bi and totally Tim and etc.

    Sexuality is only a part of what we are and I'm sure you have a lot more to offer than just your genitalia.

    It's all good

    Bernd

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    Apr 15, 2010 2:48 AM GMT
    Pussy makes me cum - and I mean a guy with his dick hard in my ass doesn't sound that good but for some reason I keep looking at that kind of porn too, so it seems something is latent and is being repressed.

    And I don't believe in bisexuality.
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    Apr 15, 2010 3:03 AM GMT
    What body type are you most attracted to? Male or female?
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    Apr 15, 2010 3:10 AM GMT
    amiactuallygay saidPussy makes me cum - and I mean a guy with his dick hard in my ass doesn't sound that good but for some reason I keep looking at that kind of porn too, so it seems something is latent and is being repressed.

    And I don't believe in bisexuality.

    How do you not believe in bisexuality? That's absurd!
    Everyone is at least a little bisexual.
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    Apr 15, 2010 3:11 AM GMT
    I like the female body more but like I said I don't know why I keep looking at the gay pornography every now and then - it's like something is being repressed and wants to come out.

    Why I don't believe in bisexuality: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16102058
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    Apr 15, 2010 3:14 AM GMT
    amiactuallygay saidI like the female body more but like I said I don't know why I keep looking at the gay pornography every now and then - it's like something is being repressed and wants to come out.

    Why I don't believe in bisexuality: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16102058


    Because you're curious? Lots of straight guys look at gay porn.
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    Apr 15, 2010 3:15 AM GMT
    amiactuallygay saidI'd have to say female but like I said I don't know why I keep looking at the gay pornography every now and then - it's like something is being repressed and wants to come out.
    Maybe you should start believing in bisexuality.
    Research the Kinsey Scale. icon_wink.gif
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Apr 15, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    The only way you're going to know is if you try it.

    A lot of people are sure of their sexuality, but some really aren't. The best thing for you to do at this point is follow your heart.... as cliche as that is to say.

    As far as latent homosexuality, I don't think that's the cause any other problems. The fact that you're exploring that side of you would have alleviated at least some of it. I would suggest seeing a counselor/therapist, rather than a psychiatrist. They generally are less technical and are a lot better at understanding emotion. Psychiatrists tend to look for disorders and treat them with medication, rather than understand the root of the problem and fix it with changes in lifestyle.

    Good luck.
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    Apr 15, 2010 3:53 AM GMT
    amiactuallygay saidI like the female body more but like I said I don't know why I keep looking at the gay pornography every now and then - it's like something is being repressed and wants to come out.

    Why I don't believe in bisexuality: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16102058


    I dont know how you can possibly trust a study so trivial where the sample barely covers 33 self labeled bisexual individuals. Anyway if it were even close to be considered a serious research, the article does not necessary imply the absolute absence of sexual attraction towards one gender or the other specially when they say "bisexual men did not have strong genital arousal to both male and female sexual stimuli", I think the word "strong" is self explanatory.

    What I dont understand is that urge you seem to have to auto label yourself as homosexual or heterosexual, get out of your place Tim, if you like a guy then try it out, if you feel like going for a girl instead then go for it man. Why do you have to decide NOW what you like? Why dont you just try to experiment during this stage of your life where your sexual orientation seems so abstract and undetermined. If it doesnt seem so clear in your brain probably your missing something. Enjoy your life and do NOW what you feel like doing, and have sex with who you feel like having sex with, experiment, make mistakes, learn and discover things about yourself you didnt know before, grow up and once you have the experience you'll find most of the answers to your questions. Dude seriously, stop trying to figure out the world and yourself from your room, it just doesnt work.
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    Apr 15, 2010 3:57 AM GMT
    I haven't seen in your notes any reference to actually having had an intimate encounter with a guy.

    Have you been with a guy yet?

    If not, maybe you should give it a try.
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    Apr 15, 2010 4:19 AM GMT
    hmm, I'm not sure what to say. Just try to explore your feelings? Very interesting.

    paulflexes said
    amiactuallygay saidI'd have to say female but like I said I don't know why I keep looking at the gay pornography every now and then - it's like something is being repressed and wants to come out.
    Maybe you should start believing in bisexuality.
    Research the Kinsey Scale. icon_wink.gif


    I was gonna suggest the same thing icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 15, 2010 4:31 AM GMT

    Ummmmmmmmmm, For starters 3 yrs indoors and 6yrs w/out a job would drive anyone bonkers ( no offense) Spending all of that time trying to figure out your sexual like and dislikes seems a tad bit over-kill. Search for your discovery thru life lessons no answers will find you in solitude. P.S. You can't find happiness it's a choice to be made daily.
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    Apr 15, 2010 4:34 AM GMT
    I know I'm NOT gay now because when I let myself go sensually with women (I've never really been sensual with a girl - I've always been really robotic) it feels right, very, very right, very awesome, but when I let myself go sensually with men, I don't enjoy it at all, at all. But at first I was thinking that this sensuality was somehow "gay" because it's far removed from the stoic-ness I imagine a lot of guys display.

    Then again, now that I think more about it, I think I might enjoy men more in this sensual state.
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    Apr 15, 2010 4:38 AM GMT
    amiactuallygay saidI know I'm NOT gay now because when I let myself go sensually with women (I've never really been sensual with a girl - I've always been really robotic) it feels right, very, very right, very awesome, but when I let myself go sensually with men, I don't enjoy it at all, at all. But at first I was thinking that this sensuality was somehow "gay" because it's far removed from the stoic-ness I imagine a lot of guys display.



    Think outside the box, confinement hurts the brain....hence?icon_eek.gif
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    Apr 15, 2010 5:29 AM GMT
    I AM GAY! WOO HOO! icon_smile.gif

    it's all about letting yourself FEEL SENSUAL - and if that's what sex is about then I don't want to be with a female -- I incontrovertibly want to be with a guy. Case closed.

    Back in my seducing females days, I really vibed with this song:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znuwO-bl034

    Even back then I was like, wait a second, is this guy talking about me? - "And you a....certified head doctor / Number one scholar that takes dick in the ass and won't holler"

    o.O

    lol
  • pixel

    Posts: 26

    Apr 15, 2010 10:28 AM GMT
    i think you and i are in the same boat. I have got SSA (Same Sex Attraction) disorder. I don't know why men's face and beefy body with tatoo look much better than women. There might be something wrong with my eyes and brain.

    I can't understand why im soo curious about two men kissing each other. It's like i'm really curious about mysterious things like UFO, alien, strange things we have never seen that before. Sorry i dont know how to explain it and looking for the right words.
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    Apr 15, 2010 11:10 AM GMT
    Two things seem certain, you are obsessed with your sexuality, whatever it is and you are crushed that it might not be what you view as an ideal sexuality.
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    Apr 15, 2010 11:29 AM GMT
    pixel saidi think you and i are in the same boat. I have got SSA (Same Sex Attraction) disorder. I don't know why men's face and beefy body with tatoo look much better than women. There might be something wrong with my eyes and brain.

    I can't understand why im soo curious about two men kissing each other. It's like i'm really curious about mysterious things like UFO, alien, strange things we have never seen that before. Sorry i dont know how to explain it and looking for the right words.


    Seems like you are objectifying here in the first paragraph. You are reducing your feelings down to disorders and body parts, and then blaming yourself because you are somehow "damaged." Notice that with men you are attracted to faces, bodies, and tattoos as opposed to the widely accepted "women"

    In the second, it looks like denial to me, you are citing adventure as justification of having feelings. No one is actually "attracted" to the unknown. If they get off on that concept it is called a fetish, which are stealthy ways we express repressed sexual desires, by becoming obsessively preoccupied with them as objects of desire.

    My advice to you would be to (as safely as you can), act upon the sexual impulses you have. Through trial and error you will eventually define your tastes more specifically with having sex with either same or opposite sex partners or maybe embrace both.

    There is nothing wrong with any or all of them. But most importantly, don't blame yourself, there is nothing wrong with your eyes and brain, just go with it...made a pact with yourself and love yourself and tell yourself that no matter what you are you will love yourself, even if you like sex with apple pies, practice acceptance, then create yourself. icon_biggrin.gif

    The Kinsey scale shows that many many many are not one extreme or the other and it pains me to think that someone might think they are somehow inferior or damaged as a result of not fitting into an extreme.
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    Apr 15, 2010 11:54 AM GMT
    Tim,

    I think you need to slow down before coming to any conclusions--within an hour’s time you went from saying you Knew that you were not gay to 'I know I'm gay!'

    There is no rush. And I would listen to your doctors--however, some psychiatrists can be biased. I wonder why s/he told you that you are not gay--does your psychiatrist believe in or support reparative therapy? If so, I would question his/her motives for labeling you as heterosexual... though they may be right. Also, did you grow up in a overly religious family? Does your family have any issues with homosexuality?

    Yes, you could be bisexual--it exists whether you want to believe it or not. I suggest perhaps you learn how to do scholarly research and not just rely on Wikipedia and PubMed.

    And not all people with mental illness are repressed homosexuals.

    I too have mental illness--I've been battling it in some form or another for the past ten years. I've been through therapy, hospitalization, medication changes, ECT, and a failed suicide attempt (obviously icon_wink.gif ) To some extent, I know what you are going through... but this wasn't all because of my sexuality--though my repressed homosexual identity was definitely the catalyst for the progression of my illness.

    I think you need to take this slow--do not make any drastic claims yet... there is no hurry. And if you are gay and got mentally ill from repressing your sexuality, coming out of the closet will mostly likely NOT solve all your problems. I came out 5 years ago... it was liberating, but I am still picking up the pieces; I am still fighting to get to where I want to be as a person.

    You need to concentrate on you. You sexual identity will come in time... but take things slow and listen to your health care professionals... unless you question their motives.

    Take care and good luck!
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    Apr 15, 2010 12:00 PM GMT
    pixel saidi think you and i are in the same boat. I have got SSA (Same Sex Attraction) disorder. I don't know why men's face and beefy body with tatoo look much better than women. There might be something wrong with my eyes and brain.

    I can't understand why im soo curious about two men kissing each other. It's like i'm really curious about mysterious things like UFO, alien, strange things we have never seen that before. Sorry i dont know how to explain it and looking for the right words.


    Same Sex Attraction disorder?

    Ya, who they hell told you that?

    'SSA disorder' is Christian fundamentalist lingo for "gays have a disease and can be cured".

    You seriously buy into that shit? Main-stream psychology, sociology, and psychiatry DOES NOT!
    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Apr 15, 2010 12:06 PM GMT
    conscienti1984 said
    pixel saidi think you and i are in the same boat. I have got SSA (Same Sex Attraction) disorder. I don't know why men's face and beefy body with tatoo look much better than women. There might be something wrong with my eyes and brain.

    I can't understand why im soo curious about two men kissing each other. It's like i'm really curious about mysterious things like UFO, alien, strange things we have never seen that before. Sorry i dont know how to explain it and looking for the right words.


    Same Sex Attraction disorder?

    Ya, who they hell told you that?

    'SSA disorder' is Christian fundamentalist lingo for "gays have a disease and can be cured".

    You seriously buy into that shit? Main-stream psychology, sociology, and psychiatry DOES NOT!
    icon_rolleyes.gif


    It seems that every so often someone comes along with a post meant to confirm and bolster christianist ideas about homosexuality. They're just confused. They're just disordered. They're too far from god. Gays can't be happy.