Alright boys I need some help here...

  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Apr 16, 2010 12:43 PM GMT
    So I met this guy about a week ago online. Since I am only 19 its hard for me to find the type of guy I am attracted to out in public, because I like the guys that you can't tell are gay when you walk down the street. Anywho, this guy and I have been talking on yahoo chat and been texting each other and stuff. I have never met soemone with so many common interests as me. He understands me and my sense of humor, very intelligent, and he's cute as hell. We share the same opinons on many different things and he accepts me for who I am (Im not ripped like 95% of the guys on here are).

    So thats the background, now heres the dilemma...we were talking online last night and I was asking if he lived in a house or an apt and if he had roommates and whatnot. So he says to me something like this" I have a confesson to make. Im living with someone but Im moving on." I was completely shocked, I let him explain, wasn't being too responsive just because I didn't know how to respond to that. So then finally I said I was gonna get to bed. I wake up this morning with and e-mail from him explaining things even more. He said him and this guy he's living with are best friends, they started their relationship when he had some rough things going on in his life and he was there to comfort and support him. He also said that they knew it wasnt going to last and that the "L" word wouldnt be said. He says that he's ready to move on, the guy he's living with agrees, and he'll be moving out shortly. The guy also knows that he's talking to me, has interest in me such.

    Then he threw in another curve ball. He has Herpes 1 on his "stuff". He tells me that Herpes 1 is not as bad as Herpes 2. Someone with Herpes 1 only breaks out once a year compared to once a month and said we could still shower and have sex and all that jazz. He said "Herpes dose not define me! It's just one of my attributes and it doesn't make me any less valuable really."

    Heres where you come in. I need your opinions. Do I go with my heart (I think i've fallen for him a bit already) or do I go with my brain thats telling me no. When we first started talking we both knew we wanted a relationship, so I just dont understand why he held out on telling me about the other guy. I can understand about not telling me about herpes right away I can deal with that, but ive never been with someone with it before. Heres one of the things he said to me last:

    "Well, that's all the crazy, but I just would ask that you give me a chance to prove myself. I was with **** for 2.5 years, I'm not looking for a flight by night hookup. I'm really not a project and if it ever seems that way, tell me you feel that way and you can end it. I wouldn't ask you to do something your not comfortable with. I am a really nice guy and what I said I meant and the person you've been talking to is the person you will meet. I do want a relationship and that one person to share my life and be there for you. I have been more happy the last couple of days then I have been in a while. I sit by my computer listening to music singing and smiling thinking about you. I have never connected with anyone like with you. I really want to pursue it and get to know you better. Although, I feel like I know you o' so well already. I just hope that you will actually give me the chance to prove myself. Well, I don't want to talk about it until your ready and feel free to ask me any questions you may have. I am now an open book to you."

    WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!
  • laxdude25

    Posts: 604

    Apr 16, 2010 1:02 PM GMT
    i think tri guy has it exactly. start as friends, move slowly, no rush. and learn all you can about the herpes situation, so that if you do decide to move forward, you know how best to manage it.
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    Apr 16, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    He held out on all those intimate details of his life for a WHOLE WEEK!?!?! The man is a cad for stringing you along like that. .... icon_rolleyes.gif ...He should have been man enough to say right from the start "Hello, stranger. I share an apt with another man for convenience way before I met you and I have herpes. Wanna get married?"

    You're taking this way too fast.
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Apr 16, 2010 1:08 PM GMT
    Caslon14000 saidHe held out on all those intimate details of his life for a WHOLE WEEK!?!?! The man is a cad for stringing you along like that. .... icon_rolleyes.gif ...He should have been man enough to say right from the start "Hello, stranger. I share an apt with another man for convenience way before I met you and I have herpes. Wanna get married?"

    You're taking this way too fast.


    Hahaha I agree with you, it may be a little exaggerated but I still think he could have mentioned the fact that he was in a relationship before we started getting to know each other. I tend to move too fast too icon_confused.gif
  • PatrickD81

    Posts: 69

    Apr 16, 2010 1:10 PM GMT
    swimmermatt101 saidWHAT DO I DO?!?!?!


    Easy - Go with your heart. Sounds like this guy's a catch, despite the Herpes 1 thing. So long as you guys are smart, you can avoid getting it.

    And I think the reason he waited on telling you about his ex/roommate, is because he wanted you to get to know him first. He didn't want you judging him because of his past.

    And let's face it...it worked. You like him. He likes you. I say go for it. Not all of us are going to be lucky in love like you!
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    Apr 16, 2010 1:51 PM GMT
    The Internet is good for a great many things, but finding a longtime companion isn't necessarily one of them. That's not to say it doesn't happen, but let's just say it's likely far less common than the more traditional way.

    Read what he wrote with great care. Analyze it closely. Everything you need to know is in black and white; literally written by him to you via texting and IM chatting.

    He said that he's ready to move on, will be moving out shortly, and the guy he's living with agrees with this decision? Okay, great. I recommend you tell him to contact you once he has settled into his new digs, sans current roommate.

    He said the two of them started their relationship when he had some rough things going on in his life and that his "roommate" was there to comfort and support him?

    I just called Ms. Cleo (at $3.99 per min., mind you) who told me there are more rough things going on in this man's life than a simple case of Herpes. She wouldn't discuss any further, but I think I know where she was going with that. You do, too, don't you?

    Oh, but she did tell me that the "L" word had been said, and is still being said, but not by the roommate.

    Ms. Cleo's a crazy, snake-oil-selling bitch, but she may be onto something.

    Still feeling ambivalent about what to do with this guy?
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    Apr 16, 2010 2:02 PM GMT
    Meet in person first. Then go from there. You can't really know him or how you feel about him until you do that.
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    Apr 16, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    I don't care if you are locked in a cell with someone, a week is far too little time to get to know them.

    You are disappointed because you had an image of who this guy was and he ended up not being that person. Guess what, that happens every time you meet someone.

    You fell in puppy love with an image and not a person. And while puppy love with an image is great, it is less rewarding than being with someone warts and all.

    He divulged this information to you before actually meeting and after only a week of chatting. That is a very positive sign at a stage of a relationship where it is difficult to find any signs. Meet this guy, give him a chance. Don't cut him out of your life just because he, like all people, are more complicated than you first imagined.
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    Apr 16, 2010 3:15 PM GMT
    Please go with your brain....
    Use common sense....
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    Apr 16, 2010 3:25 PM GMT
    LOL. Internet love. Sure gets messy with the dishonest folks (the fakes, the liars).

    You'll have to decide on your own. Hint: if he missed some details early on, and is being vague, still, chances are he's not dealing in a way that has integrity and virtue. Things like disease, legal trouble, broken relationships in progress should be up front. There's likely a long list of stuff he's NOT being honest about. He's likely got more than a few surprises left in his bag. He's not been honest with you from the beginning, like it, or not. That's NOT a very attractive attribute.

    Here's a couple of tips: Insist on a web cam. Insist on a full name. Only a nut doesn't run a background check on someone they're going to allow in their own home. You're absolutely negligent if you allow someone who you have no history and background about into your life without doing your homework.

    If someone won't give you a real name (verifiable), then, get rid of them. That's no way to begin a relationship. You'd know their real name, occupation, and where they live, in Real Space, and using The Internet is no excuse for becoming an idiot. DO YOUR DISCOVERY.

    Logan / flex89's parent's, happily married now, with 6 children, met online. After some conversation online, they decided to meet. Before they met, they did FULL background checks on each other. When you're involved with a stranger, it's imperative you do such things so you don't have surprises.

    Remember, just because you're queer, it doesn't obligate you to become an idiot. DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
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    Apr 16, 2010 3:36 PM GMT
    You'll want to study up on herpes, and the implications of having it. You'll have to decide whether you want it, too, because herpes can be highly contagious.

    Given your young age, acquiring herpes may not be on your short list of things to do. You should weigh that in any decisions to move forward. There are a number of risk factors once you acquire it.

    If he's telling you he has HSV1, you might ask how he thinks he got it, and if he has genital herpes.

    You should be aware:

    Scientists discovered a link between HSV-1 and Alzheimer's disease in 1979.[17] In the presence of a certain gene variation (APOE-epsilon4 allele carriers), HSV-1 appears to be particularly damaging to the nervous system and increases one’s risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease. The virus interacts with the components and receptors of lipoproteins, which may lead to the development of Alzheimer's disease.[18][19] Without the presence of the gene allele, HSV type 1 does not appear to cause any neurological damage and thus increase the risk of Alzheimer’s.[20]

    Your risk of acquiring herpes in an association with him is clear and present. You should make that risk assessment part of your decision process.
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    Apr 16, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    Herpes is a steep price to pay for getting laid. Clearly, a sexual relationship with this guy isn't in your best interests.
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Apr 16, 2010 6:25 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidLOL. Internet love. Sure gets messy with the dishonest folks (the fakes, the liars).

    You'll have to decide on your own. Hint: if he missed some details early on, and is being vague, still, chances are he's not dealing in a way that has integrity and virtue. Things like disease, legal trouble, broken relationships in progress should be up front. There's likely a long list of stuff he's NOT being honest about. He's likely got more than a few surprises left in his bag. He's not been honest with you from the beginning, like it, or not. That's NOT a very attractive attribute.

    Here's a couple of tips: Insist on a web cam. Insist on a full name. Only a nut doesn't run a background check on someone they're going to allow in their own home. You're absolutely negligent if you allow someone who you have no history and background about into your life without doing your homework.

    If someone won't give you a real name (verifiable), then, get rid of them. That's no way to begin a relationship. You'd know their real name, occupation, and where they live, in Real Space, and using The Internet is no excuse for becoming an idiot. DO YOUR DISCOVERY.


    Logan / flex89's parent's, happily married now, with 6 children, met online. After some conversation online, they decided to meet. Before they met, they did FULL background checks on each other. When you're involved with a stranger, it's imperative you do such things so you don't have surprises.

    Remember, just because you're queer, it doesn't obligate you to become an idiot. DO YOUR HOMEWORK.


    We actually have cammed, nothing sexual at all, i have a full name and i know what he does for his job, where he lives, his school history and such. So he hasnt really been too secretive about much, and thinking on it more today i can understand why he would keep those things from me.

    For those who are telling me about puppy love and such, i guess my concern wasnt necessarily the fact that he kept them from me, i do realize we've only been talking for a week, the concern was more about the situation of him and his roommate/ex and the baggage that could come along with it.
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Apr 16, 2010 6:27 PM GMT
    flex89 saidHerpes is a steep price to pay for getting laid. Clearly, a sexual relationship with this guy isn't in your best interests.


    This isnt just about getting laid
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    Apr 16, 2010 6:54 PM GMT
    You're quite right. At 19, you're much too young to engage in a relationship with risk factors, above and beyond. You have several more years to get someone of higher quality.

    Your brain doesn't mature, particularly in the areas of sound judgment, until you're about 30. That being said, your goals, interests, pursuits, and risk management, will almost certainly change between now and then. It would be highly prudent to walk away from this one.

    At 19, puppy love / infatuation is easily confused with a deeper affection. You should ponder that in your assessment.
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    Apr 16, 2010 6:56 PM GMT
    swimmermatt101 said
    flex89 saidHerpes is a steep price to pay for getting laid. Clearly, a sexual relationship with this guy isn't in your best interests.


    This isnt just about getting laid


    True, but it's still very much a part of it.
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    Apr 16, 2010 6:58 PM GMT
    triguy01 saidAlways follow your brain and your gut - you seem to have a half way decent one, which can be hard to come by, so by all means use it to its fullest. Start out as friends with the guy - seems like that is what you are doing already, and see what happens. So the guy has some items, everyone does; you will find them, and more, as you get to know people. At the very least, he could turn out to be a great friend. If you really do think that there could be something long term here, what is the rush? I mean, really...


    "Brain OR Gut/Heart", "Brain AND Gut/Heart". There is a difference, and from my experience taking both into consideration is how I manage through dilemmas (as opposed to "solving problems"). Dilemmas generally tend to not have a "solution", but they can be "navigated".

    @triguy01's advice is a sound approach to navigating this dilemma using the "and" as opposed to the "or".

    I suggest considering the wisdom of @triguy01's approach by trying it out. You'll know more as it is revealed, and can then make more choices on if/how to continue the relationship one day at a time.

    "One day at a time" is how all kinds of relationships are created and cultivated anyway.
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    Apr 16, 2010 6:58 PM GMT
    Given your concern regarding his baggage, and the state of his health, this is one of those fish you should throw back in the sea. He's not the only fish in the ocean.

    Life can seem complex enough without adding an additional level of noise.
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    Apr 16, 2010 7:03 PM GMT
    flex89 said
    swimmermatt101 said
    flex89 saidHerpes is a steep price to pay for getting laid. Clearly, a sexual relationship with this guy isn't in your best interests.

    This isnt just about getting laid

    True, but it's still very much a part of it.


    I've had intimate relationships with others who have had some one kind of contagious health condition or another, and I have successfully navigated these intimate relationships without any kind of cross-infection.

    The love shared was worth the precautions or self-proscribed limits.

    In fact, the love was at times more profound because "You loved me warts and all" (literally).
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    Apr 16, 2010 7:24 PM GMT
    Personally, I wouldn't do go for it.

    I don't have any problem with his previous living conditions but what I definitely have problem with is contracting something that will stay with me for life. A week really is too short a time period to decide that you're okay with the complications contracting a permanent disease will bring in the long run. At best, I'd still be friends with him but it would never get sexual.

    Kudos to the guy for being up front though, it must be tough. Another thing I would personally have done anyway was get to know him long enough to be able to confirm his state of health and character attributes(Asking point blank about health issues, seeing what meds he has to take for what, seeing if he's occasionally dishonest about things, etc). A week of online communication is definitely to short a time period for me to get an amount of information that I would be satisfied with.

    Has he told you how he thinks he might have gotten it? The answer, if it's an honest one, could tell you a bit about his character and whether or not he'd be responsible enough to protect you when he feels an outbreak coming on but wants sex at the same time.
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    Apr 16, 2010 7:36 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidI don't care if you are locked in a cell with someone, a week is far too little time to get to know them.

    You are disappointed because you had an image of who this guy was and he ended up not being that person. Guess what, that happens every time you meet someone.

    You are feel in puppy love with an image and not a person. And while puppy love with an image is great it is less rewarding than being with someone warts and all.

    He divulged this information to you before actually meeting and after only a week of chatting. That is a very positive sign at a stage of a relationship where it is difficult to find any signs. Meet this guy, give him a chance. Don't cut him out of your life just because he, like all people, are more complicated than you first imagined.
    *nods*
    *blinking like a deer in headlights realizing I need to apply this to my own situation*

    MZ one day I want to take you out for a drink...
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    Apr 16, 2010 7:47 PM GMT
    swimmwematt dude broksi brah bru,

    This fool is stringing you along. You're so young and you're gonna put it all on the line for the possibility of a LTR with herpes dude?

    ummm, yeah, no thanks. You're young, fit, good looking, and have your whole life ahead of you. Could you imagine explaining to future boyfriends, hookups, whatnot that you have herpes because you contracted it from some dude you thought you were in love with when you were 19?

    Drop this dude like a bad habit. Guys you meet online are often flakey, secretive, and not worth the effort. The internet affords them this opportunity to create this whole new persona where they can highly exaggerate things while staying relatively close to the truth. Take everything you hear from this guy with a grain of salt, then put it in regular termsicon_confused.gif

    -for example, he says "well, my buddy brought me in when i was going through some rough times in my life, we've been together for a long time, I have herpes and he loves me, but we're both ready to move on..."

    -okay, well, i've never seen what you look like (he could be Fugly, or even worse, have Cankles!)icon_eek.gif

    now, translate- this is what we meant to say: "well really, i couldnt get my shit together and was kicked out of the place i was living, my buddy and best friend who've i hooked up with b4 said i could crash on his couch for a week or so until i found a new job and place to live. Well, a week turned into a month into a year, and so on. While i was hooking up with my buddy, he didnt know i was also hooking up with seedy mofos from downtown i met on craigslist. Well, now I have herpes, and after a huge internal struggle with my dick and conscience, i decided to tell my buddy that i gave him herpes and now he wants my ass out! But no worries, i found this dude online and I've been chatting with him, you know, relating to him and maybe i can move in with him!"icon_surprised.gif

    My advice- you need to tell him "thanks but no thanks. I'm 19, i have the rest of my life to live. I plan on meeting and dating some really f-ing hott and amazing dudes in my future and dont want to jeopardize it for some lazy ass no good dude who has herpes."

    I mean, baggage from past relationships is one thing all of us need to deal with in new realtionships, but herpes is a deal breaker. NOT WORTH IT
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    Apr 16, 2010 8:14 PM GMT
    I say give the guy a chance.

    Talk with a doctor about herpes. Develop a real understanding of how you might contract it, and what it's really like to have it. Unfortunately.. any incurable disease that can be passed from person to person, sexual or not.. is a huge drawback. The last thing you want is to get with this dude, accidentally contract a disease from him, and then after a month or two it all falls to pieces and you're stuck as a cute 19 year old with herpes having to explain to everyone you meet from that point on that your junk is gross. So at the very least.. be up front that the herpes is an issue for you, and keep your barriers up about it. For your own safety. Don't just SAY you're going to.. force yourself to keep your safety as a priority over your sexual wants.

    Other than that.. screw the roommate thing. As long as the other roommate really is clear about the situation then I don't see why that should make any difference.

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    Apr 16, 2010 8:20 PM GMT
    Truth is what it is, even though, sometimes, it's not what we want to hear.

    Some gay guys, and straight guys, too, are way too "romantic" / emotional and forget good judgment. Being judgmental is critical in staying alive and leading a good life. You have to use that judgment in a positive way. That includes honest risk assessments and situational appraisals.

    Folks are who they are. If they're butt heads, likely they'll stay butt heads, no matter what you do. Change is rarely effected unless folks hit bottom. That's the honest truth, here, and everywhere you go along in life. Folks end up in terrible relationships, thinking it's what they have to settle far. Don't go there. Now, I'm not saying your buddy is a butt head, but, that, it's like shopping. You want to avoid buyer's remorse. Yeah, he looks nice in the store, but, he's still defective merchandise. You need to go up the street to a different store, and get the good merchandise.
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    Apr 16, 2010 8:22 PM GMT
    You'll note that the younger men here are much more flippant about that decision process. That's to be expected. The very last part of our brain to mature is that we makes for good judgment, and,... it doesn't happen until we're around 30. It is what it is.