"I don't care about you."

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:11 AM GMT
    I'm a pretty sensitive person, and I'll be the first one to admit that to the world.

    I was thinking about this for a very long time before I decided to say anything about it, but I just wanted to get your feelings on it. When someone says to you "I don't care about you" do you show that it bothers you? And let's assume the people telling you this are people you care a lot about. Let's say a very close friend or family member in specifics, alright?


    I know myself well enough to say that I thrive on love. I give it, I receive it, I want people to care about me, and I want to care about people. I am not really a person that hides what I'm feeling from people I care a lot about. It's just when someone says something so... hurtful... oh, I don't know it just got to me on one of my off-days. icon_sad.gif


    I suppose what I'm asking is- What do you do when someone you love or care about says something along the lines of "I don't care about you"

    Thank you for taking the time to reply.
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:19 AM GMT
    Hey Soul....when someone says they don't care about you they've just made room for someone else to care about you. We care about you, but you already know that. icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:25 AM GMT
    To be able to give and receive love you must first be able to lower the barriers that normally shield you from hurt. Doing this makes you vulnerable to much pain if your love is not returned.
    Most of us feel that the reward is worth the risk at least some of the time. Others never let themselves be vulnerable. You should take comfort in knowing that you belong to the first group.
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:30 AM GMT
    If someone says that to me, I just try to ignore them. I know it sounds childish, but it makes moving on a lot easier icon_sad.gif
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:36 AM GMT
    A similar thing just happened to me a few weeks ago, so I'm sort of like you on this one.

    Things like this do bother me, but I try not to respond aggressively 'cause that's when most people screw up their friendship more... Anyways, in my case, I asked my friend what her problem was and tried to listen to what she had to say. To make a long story short, it didn't work out for us, but I tried my best and still believe communication is important.

    I usually keep myself calm and see the situation objectively, but I guess if you show your loyalty to them and they still don't care about you, I don't think it'll be worth being with them... icon_sad.gif

    Or, if they are saying such things because they're angry or insecure, kill them with kindness. icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    Nobody bodders me...

    nancy pelosi


    'cept in my case, it's LOLcats ... icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:41 AM GMT
    Depends

    "I don't care about you" can mean " I care about you".
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Apr 18, 2010 1:43 AM GMT
    If someone said to me "I don't care about you". I would say, "I am sorry, because I care about you and always will." Then I would walk away. It would hurt but my life would go on. It happened to me. I still don't understand why. Believe it or not, it was two friends I had for 25 years. It really hurt at the time, but not anymore. But when I think of it, I still wonder why, I guess I always will because I am a good friend to have, and I know it.
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    Apr 18, 2010 5:36 AM GMT
    KissingPro saidDepends

    "I don't care about you" can mean " I care about you".


    Very true. The only way one truly says "I don't care about you" is complete indifference. Someone actually saying that to you implies some seriously charged emotion.
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    Apr 18, 2010 5:40 AM GMT
    There is a good side to the hurt - it lets you know the capacity of your love. IE: your great capacity for love = a great capacity for hurt.

    If that's an upside, there you go icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 18, 2010 5:56 AM GMT
    I don't care about this thread.


















    Oh wait, I posted in it, so maybe I do...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2010 6:18 AM GMT
    we need accept that most of the times when someone throws that at us , it's that we've done something to deserve it. And that's not pleasant so 'tis much easier to feel victimized .


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    Apr 18, 2010 7:06 AM GMT
    Soulasphyx said...What do you do when someone you love or care about says something along the lines of "I don't care about you"


    Hi Soulasphyx! Much of what determines how I will respond (as opposed to "react") depends upon the context.

    Assumption: I care about the other person and the relationship.
    Assumption: I want to resolve the conflict if possible and continue the relationship.
    Assumption: I am sane and sober, and the other person is sane and sober.

    WARNING: If any of the three assumptions above are not fully correct, then it makes little sense to attempt the following suggestions and approach.

    Without knowing the specific context around the statement, I will share with you a general approach that I use to better understand the person who is saying something harsh to me.

    My purpose is to get to the root cause of the person's feelings, as well as to know what feelings the person is having, and what were the "triggers" that produced these feelings.

    Using your example, if someone said to me (out of the blue), "I don't care about you", my response would be to ask questions to determine why they don't care about me.

    "Gosh, I care about you. Can you give me more detail on why you're feeling the way you are?" I don't argue with the person, because feelings are feelings and they are real even if the cause is a misunderstanding. Depending upon the situation, I may start by making a statement of caring for the person as a foundation for discovering the real meaning and reasons behind the statement.

    I then listen. I don't interrupt. As I listen, I try to gauge the merit of what the person is sharing. I also try to see things from their point of view...even if what they are telling me is mistaken, misunderstood, misinformed, or just plain wrong.

    When they are done, I may also ask, "What else? Is there anything else? I want to encourage the other person to get it all out. At the same time, I do not want to have the other person "going on forever". This is especially true if they are getting emotional.

    If the other person's comments begin to get overly emotional, I try to get the person's attention for a moment and I look them in the eye, I smile softly if I can, and I whisper some calming words such as "I'm listening to you. Slow down. Relax. We'll get through this together. I love you." I want the person to communicate what they are feeling, and I want my own emotional boundaries respected. I am not a furry lidded garbage can that can be dumped on, nor am I going to be verbally abused as a part of any conflict resolution process.

    Once the other person is done, I may respond with a brief "What I heard that you are feeling is ..... And, what I heard is that .... is what is causing these feelings." kind of statement. I want to make sure that the other person knows that I heard them and that I am "on the same page". I'm not trying to get all the details right, just the overall context of the root cause of the feelings.

    Then, whether or not I find merit with what they have said, I reiterate my caring for them, acknowledge their feelings, and possibly provide some sort of apology if I feel it in my heart. "I care about you, and I want to work this out with you. I'm sorry if anything I've said or done has hurt you, I have no ill will in my heart for you. Any hurt that you may feel from what I have said or done is unintentional." I'm not saying I was in the wrong, I'm just saying that I'm sorry that they are hurting because of something they perceived that I said or did.

    Naturally, if I was wrong. Now is also the time to just say it. "You're right, I was wrong." can be one of the most disarming and powerful statements that you can make, if you mean it, and if you want to work towards the restoration of good relations.

    I then do some "check-in" and see if there is some buy-in on resolving the conflict. "Can you forgive any hurt you feel? Do you want to work this out with me?" I'm not necessarily claiming blame. I am probing to see if there is the ability and willingness to forgive any perceived insult and to work towards restoration of good relations. If the other person does not answer positively towards these questions, the dialogue will probably not produce a restoration of good relations. If this is the case, it is probably best to find a way to politely end the conversation and include some sort of "Let me touch base with you again at and see how you're feeling and if you want to work things out."

    If the other person has the ability and willingness to forgive and work things out, then suggest an issue to work through first. After reiterating the issue and the "trigger", here is where it is time to start sharing your viewpoint. It might be a misunderstanding. It might be misinformation. It might just be a mistake. It could be that you now have more insight and you might share that, "I just didn't know that this meant to you. Now that I know, I can so that you don't feel that way anymore."

    Occasionally, check-in. "How are you doing?", "Do you know that I love you?". If it is appropriate, sitting closer, touching or holding your friend's hand, getting the person some water or doing some other nice thing can help. Be careful not to get into any "make up sex" too soon before working through the issues to common understanding. If you fail to address the issues and patch it over with make up sex, the issues will resurface and the hurt will continue.

    If the conversation is not going well, or you really don't understand your friend or partner's point of view. Perhaps you may need to get a third party counselor or therapist involved.

    If you've gotten this far, thanks for taking the time to read this very long post. I hope that there are some suggestions that you might find value in applying. I wish you the best in working through any rough patches with your friend or partner so that you both may enjoy a long-time friendship that is stronger and more fulfilling.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2010 7:08 AM GMT
    GamR in some ways you seem totally cool and awesome. But dude edit down your posts to the essentials. They'll read better and are more appropriate for message board communication.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Apr 18, 2010 7:40 AM GMT
    These things are usually throwaway lines more than anything else, especially if said in the heat of an argument. When you fight the tone of your voice is often stronger and more convincing. You will say anything to get at the other party, even if you don't really mean it.

    Rather than listen to what people say, look at what they do. How do they treat you on a regular basis? Do they make the time to catch up with you? Are they really interested in what you have to say? Do they respect you? So many people will overlook almost any crap behaviour if someone is saying the right things, even if all behaviour indicates the complete opposite.

    Also look at how they do after they say something like this. Are they sorry? Somewhat sheepish? Or do you never hear from them again? If it's the latter then maybe they did mean it. And to be honest, you are better off without them, and they without you.


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    Apr 18, 2010 7:51 AM GMT
    Hey Soul, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm also built the same way. (Big heart & Sensitive) ano.gif

    Sometimes hurtful words may be thrown around loosely in the heat of the moment. Saying "I don't care about you" May not be true and a lot of times it's actually the complete opposite. Time normally reveals that during the apologizes.

    meninlove said Hey Soul....when someone says they don't care about you they've just made room for someone else to care about you. We care about you, but you already know that. icon_wink.gif


    Awww that's soo sweet Meninlove!
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    Apr 18, 2010 7:57 AM GMT
    Hmmm....I'm a pretty straight forward guy and expect others to be the same way. People that I surround myself with care about me and love me as I do them. I will not allow myself to become emotionally attached to anyone who did not feel the same way that I do about them. Don't get me wrong. I do have a heart, but I only give it to those who are worthy. Otherwise, it would be broken all of the time.

    So I guess to answer your question, I wouldn't lose any sleep over someone who said that they did not care about me.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Apr 18, 2010 8:01 AM GMT
    I keep a blank face and say, Okay? and? I just don't let them see that it bothers me, just let it out in the shower, I find it's the best place to let your emotions out.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Apr 18, 2010 8:04 AM GMT
    And if it really hurt me I'd say something worse.
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    Apr 18, 2010 11:07 AM GMT
    Say Drop Dead..that usually works!lol
  • jrs1

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    Apr 18, 2010 11:24 AM GMT
    KissingPro saidDepends

    "I don't care about you" can mean " I care about you".

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    Apr 18, 2010 11:52 AM GMT
    Over the years I've had my affection and (most of all) my trust violated repeatedly. Often I have asked myself if it is truly worth it to allow myself to be so vulnerable and sensitive. Every single time I have come to the same conclusion, I would rather be hurt than live as a person who is incapable of loving, trusting, and believing in other people.

    Hopefully, after a lot of work, I am getting a little bit more able to judge when and where it is appropriate to be truly defenseless. Still, I expect to be hurt again. When it happens I will just have to live with the pain.

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    Apr 18, 2010 12:20 PM GMT
    Spontaneously, I think that statements like "I don't care about you' are among the cruelest things one person can say to you, especially if you really care about him/her in return.

    However, I also must admire that person's honesty and courage to go there, to express his/her feelings freely and give both of you the chance to resolve whatever issue is between you. This shows to me that the person really cares about the relationship a great deal.

    This could be the beginning of a great friendship if you use the opportunity and reply in kind.

    good luck.
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    Apr 18, 2010 12:21 PM GMT
    My response to, I don’t care about you is: “keep telling yourself that, someday you may come to believe it”, then I go set in my car and cry.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 18, 2010 12:39 PM GMT
    Generally its not based on words, its based on actions. It does hurt.
    You can either feel bad or try and rectify. If you can't do that, maybe there are others that will be more receptive to your love and caring.