How to deal with accusations of cheating

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:33 PM GMT
    I believe the answer isn't going to be objective but here goes.

    I woke up at 6:15 this morning to a wall of texts from my boyfriend's phone. It wasn't he, but his ex and they went on to detail how for 3 weeks my bf has been cheating on me with his him (the ex texting me). The EX said he was doing it because he just caught "our" bf in the bathroom at the party "fucking" some random dude.

    My bf went to a party, I didn't join, I have work this morning and I don't like to do anything before training clients or teaching a class.

    My bf came right over once the cops left (so much drama I don't deal with) and I just flipped into tears, packed up all his clothes and grabbed one thing...his dog tag.

    He gave one to me. He just got back from Afghan at the end of Jan., his service is done. I know what dog tags mean and it is a strong sign if he gave me one and it is the only thing that really made me realize this morning that his ex was probably lying.

    I could use some advice, although I am waiting for people to just tell me to follow my heart or listen to what I really think. However, if he is a master of lies then none of that matters.

    We talked, he explained some things (albeit they are as plausible as the "lies" his ex was telling me earlier). He is asleep, I am off to work. I am curious to know what others think of the situation. Do ex's really do such crazy shit like this?
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    Apr 18, 2010 1:42 PM GMT
    I am totally confused by your post!

    So, your boyfriend went to a party and his ex who he is also cheating on you with caught him fucking another guy at this party...is that right? So his ex has told you that they have been cheating and your boyfriend has been cheating on the ex as well.

    OK well, if he's cheated on you multiple times he needs to go, if you don't believe the ex then speak to your boyfriend about it, it's a pretty weird thing to make up though.

    I don't get what the thing about dog tags was all about though!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 18, 2010 2:03 PM GMT
    Wow, pretty rough scene for sure. I'll give you some advice, but I can tell you I've never had anything like that with a (there's only one) bf or anyone else.

    If your going to be together, you must have trust. To gain trust you must communicate and be open and honest.. and approach it the right way.
    Ask some well thought and prudent questions, but just ask the ones that are important not the bits and pieces of the party. If he denies the events his ex
    is telling you, accept it and talk about the importance of trust. I'd take his
    word, but file the experience. If there is any sort of a pattern in the future,
    I think he isn't somebody with whom you should be involved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2010 2:09 PM GMT
    Do ex's really do such crazy shit like this?

    YES
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    Apr 18, 2010 2:10 PM GMT
    I'm a bit confused, too, perhaps your unclear narrative an indication of your highly emotional state. I don't understand where the cops come into this: at the party you didn't attend, or at your place? And why were cops involved?

    Also, you packed his bags, but he's sleeping where? Still at your place?

    I really gotta wonder about this ex of his, texting you at 6:15 AM. What a fucking queeny thing to do! He tells you about their 3-week infidelity ONLY after he sees your BF apparently cheating on this same ex at the party? What a hypocritical mental case!

    First, calmly establish the facts. Do NOT get this story strictly from this jerk who texted you. Obviously discuss this with your BF, but would you know anyone else at this party, or who could otherwise confirm this claim of a 3-week affair going on?

    At this point I'd be inclined to give your BF the benefit of the doubt. He could be as much a victim of this other guy as you.

    I once had a BF that another guy was pursuing, and that third guy told my BF that I was seeing other guys. I wasn't, but it poisoned our relationship, which is what this guy wanted, because my BF had a suspicious mind.

    Not quite the same circumstance as here, but the lesson is that some guys are unscrupulous rats, and will create any lie to achieve their goal. Check the facts first before jumping to conclusions, and consider the possible personal agenda of this ex.
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    Apr 18, 2010 2:50 PM GMT
    Thank you all for the advice, I will ask him to restablish the night and see how it goes from there.

    My sister, like some of you have suggested, also said that if I didn't have reason to believe he was previously cheating that it is most likely this ex is a nutcase.

    To narrate clearer, My bf left his phone out, the ex got and and started to tell me about his cheating ways. The ex claims to have been with him again (after 3 years of a break up) for the past 3 weeks and that he caught him tonight having sex in the bathroom with another man. The ex wanted to "warn me" about the lies. He told me not to trust my bf's lies.

    The cops got involved bc my BF claims that they were called a.) bc of a noise violation and b.) bc they wanted to get rid of his ex who was trespassing etc.... The ex claims that the cops were called for some other reason but that they sided with him and escorted him home because my BF was a threat to his life.

    The bf spends the night here, hence the packing of his shit. Not every night, just when both of our schedules align. He didn't last night because of the party near his own place.

    As for the dog tags, they mean a lot to military men, so sharing them is a big deal, at least for the military men I know. Red might be able to shed some light on that.
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    Apr 18, 2010 3:14 PM GMT
    OK PInny, don't get mad, but I'm still confused. icon_redface.gif
    This is how it looks from here:

    You're seeing Bob. Bob's ex got hold of his phone, and called you from a party they were both at and told tales. The police showed up. Bob tells you tales. You can't figure out who, or if both, are lying.

    Bill's take is that the ex was at Bob's place and was using his phone. He told you about a party they'd both been at. The police arrive at Bob's house (at Bob's request) to deal with the ex who supposedly broke in to use Bob's phone to call you.

    Whew! Ok how far off are we?

    -Doug
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    Apr 18, 2010 3:27 PM GMT
    Bob left phone on table at party. Bob's ex got phone and told me Bob and he were having an affair but that he caught Bob cheating on him too!

    Bob and friend called cops bc they found out Bob's ex was present, crazy, and stole Bob's phone.

    Bob came to talk to me but it was emotional so we are waiting to calm down and discuss the events.

    Thanks again.
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    Apr 18, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    Wow..gosh Pinny, hang in there and hey, we're thinking about you!

    xxxxooooo -us
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    Apr 18, 2010 5:46 PM GMT

    Thanks guys.
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    Apr 18, 2010 5:57 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear...I have a pain in my stomach for you just thinking about it (I've been in a very similar situation).

    My advice...call the ex and question him for some details...try to piece together some of the events he claims have happened these past few weeks with things you know (ie: if he says he was together with your bf at a time you know you were with him, he's lying).

    At the end of the day, if you believe your bf, do so very cautiously...at least for a while. Don't be jealous/overbearing, but just be more aware. Check up on him whenever you can...if he says he's going somewhere with someone, figure out a way to find out subtly if he was telling the truth (a sly phone call to the person he was supposed to be with, slipping in a question about where they went together).

    If you think the bf is lying and/or has cheated and you decide to leave, my advice is cut off all communication and don't speak to, e-mail or see him for at least a month or two. It will hurt like hell, but at the end of the day it makes the separation easier.

    Good luck!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Apr 18, 2010 6:48 PM GMT
    These situations are always tough. From what you have said, it seems that the ex is probably lying. At a certain point when it comes down to whose side to take you have to listen to your boyfriend, even if you think he is lying, even if you know it inside. That is if you want to stay with him because you love him. Being with someone, in my opinion, is about giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.

    My last ex and I had a similar issue. Essentially we had a communication problem and I thought he agreed to an open relationship and he didn't. When I told him I had been with another guy he said I had cheated and broke up with me. I tried my best to explain that I thought he said it was OK (we're in a long distance relationship) and wouldn't have done it otherwise. I asked him point blank if he really loved me whether he thought I'd honestly do that intentionally to him or whether despite his feelings he could see where I was coming from and understand my side of the situation. He walked away.

    You have every right to walk away if cheating did occur. And I know your case isn't the same as mine, but I do feel there are some similarities in terms of trust. If you can't take your partner's word at the most vulnerable of times, you shouldn't be with him.
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    Apr 18, 2010 6:49 PM GMT
    lol mainly why I stay single. Gay dudes looove the drama.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Apr 18, 2010 7:14 PM GMT
    Pinny saidI believe the answer isn't going to be objective but here goes.

    I woke up at 6:15 this morning to a wall of texts from my boyfriend's phone. It wasn't he, but his ex and they went on to detail how for 3 weeks my bf has been cheating on me with his him (the ex texting me). The EX said he was doing it because he just caught "our" bf in the bathroom at the party "fucking" some random dude.

    My bf went to a party, I didn't join, I have work this morning and I don't like to do anything before training clients or teaching a class.

    My bf came right over once the cops left (so much drama I don't deal with) and I just flipped into tears, packed up all his clothes and grabbed one thing...his dog tag.

    He gave one to me. He just got back from Afghan at the end of Jan., his service is done. I know what dog tags mean and it is a strong sign if he gave me one and it is the only thing that really made me realize this morning that his ex was probably lying.

    I could use some advice, although I am waiting for people to just tell me to follow my heart or listen to what I really think. However, if he is a master of lies then none of that matters.

    We talked, he explained some things (albeit they are as plausible as the "lies" his ex was telling me earlier). He is asleep, I am off to work. I am curious to know what others think of the situation. Do ex's really do such crazy shit like this?


    um, I'd like to know why he was crying when he came back from the party? I really like military men. Most tend to be decent guys, albeit in their own military order sort of way - especially the Marines with "honor." I think a marine will be least likely to lie to you - but that is just a general observation. I really don't trust old BFs... they are not exactly altruistic people. More often than not, old BF have an agenda... you/me out of the picture.

    It's hard to say what to do. If you trust this guy, I'd say stick with him. If you have doubts about his honesty and commitment, I'd say move on. I guess that is probably what most people here will tell you. I have a feeling though... you know what you want to do, you are just trying to convince yourself whether you should do it or not. I done this sort of thing before myself...
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    Apr 18, 2010 7:20 PM GMT
    Repeating my smartass answer in another thread (and only semi-seriously), see how well he can take a punch.

    Were it me (and it was, once), I'd dump the motherfucker in a second.

    Hope it works out well for you.
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    Apr 18, 2010 7:44 PM GMT
    If you get a copy of the police report, you'll know who was lying about that.

    Hope it was the ex and that it all turns out well.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Apr 18, 2010 8:02 PM GMT
    I think his ex is a crazy ass mother fuck! and you shouldn't let him get in between you and your bf if he went through the trouble to steal his phone to tell you this stuff instead of just going over to talk to you he's a fucking lier!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2010 8:08 PM GMT
    Yes, ex's really do crazy shit. I have the protective order in place against my last one to prove it.

    In every situation, there are at least two sides to a story and, from my experience, somewhere in the middle you can find the truth.

    Get your BF's side of the story.
    Consider using an approach similar to the first one I posted in the thread titled "I don't care about you".

    But here's the one question with prefacing statements that you might want to pose first, while looking directly into his eyes, if you really want to know the answer, and if whatever the answer is you want to try to work through to restoration of good relations:
    "I love you, I care about you, and I want to work this out no matter what your answer is. We can get through this, but I need the truth. Did you "cheat" or break any agreement or promise that we had?"

    Whatever the answer is, accept it as the truth.

    If you find that you cannot trust again, or if you find that you hold lingering resentment in your heart that will not go away, then the relationship is probably doomed. Cut your losses and move on.

    If you can trust again, forgive if trust has been broken, out of love for this man...then a second chance for both of you is possible. At that point, seek a couples therapist or counselor to work through to the root cause of the infidelity so that it might not happen again. Your relationship may end up becoming stronger.

    Remember that trust, like a fragile porcelain figurine, can always be broken. Absolute assurance of freedom from a possible betrayal of trust is not possible. That is what makes trust so valuable and valued.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan

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    Apr 18, 2010 8:12 PM GMT
    It is really the responsibility of your boyfriend to explain what happened to you and make sure you are okay.

    It should come from him. If he leaves it to you to ask questions and try to get to the bottom of things, you should be suspicious.
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    Apr 18, 2010 8:52 PM GMT
    Thank you again for more responses. We have talked and I expressed to him that I don't really have a reason to suspect him of cheating. We are happy, for what it is worth to me.

    The ex seems BATCRAZY and hasn't stopped calling or texting all day. I explained to my bf (as suggested above by Kansas) that our relationship is built on trust and I want to trust him but explained my apprehension so I hope he tries a little harder to secure it, or at least fuck people who don't tattle tale.

    If I catch whif of anything, I will drop him and scf said, deny communication for a month or two.

    Thank you all again for the sincere advice. What a terrible morning.
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    Apr 18, 2010 11:06 PM GMT
    Because it's a case of "he said, he said", I'd find other sources to corroborate the story. Talk to the host and a few attendees of the party and find out more details. Surely there were others who may or may not have witnessed or have an idea about the sordid event.
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    Apr 18, 2010 11:22 PM GMT
    Faggots like to start shit... I wouldn't read too much into the ex... if he says he wasn't, you'll prob be able to tell if he;s telling the truth or not. That said, you've only dated this guy for three weeks... not really long enough to assume anything...
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    Apr 18, 2010 11:22 PM GMT
    Pinny saidThe ex claims that the cops were called for some other reason but that they sided with him and escorted him home because my BF was a threat to his life.


    This is... ridiculous. Why is your BF a threat to his life? If he was a threat, why steal his phone and fuck with you? That is just asking for violence if you are with someone who is a threat to you.

    At what point did he become a threat? If I go to a party and the KKK is there, I leave. I don't mingle about. And if the cops were to show up, I am sure they wouldn't escort me home from the lynch mob, but arrest them for being a threat to my life which is, you know, criminal.

    Then there is this shit.

    Pinny saidbut his ex and they went on to detail how for 3 weeks my bf has been cheating on me with his him (the ex texting me). The EX said he was doing it because he just caught "our" bf in the bathroom at the party "fucking" some random dude.


    I am sure the only thing keeping this guy from telling you how morally reprehensible your BF is for cheating was the lack of phone. He will gladly help him cheat on you by fucking him, but catching him cheat on you with yet another man is just the living end.


    Maybe your boyfriend is cheating. Do you guys have sex regularly? Spend lots of time together? Do you communicate frequently about details of your day?

    Weigh your responses to that against the word of someone who doesn't make any sense.
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    Apr 18, 2010 11:29 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear that Pinny.

    First: Exes, particularly those with an axe to grind, can do some really destructive and hateful things. So take what he had to say with high suspicion.

    Second: Trust is a choice YOU make. Ultimately you cannot know if your partner is cheating or not, unless you catch him red handed. You have to DECIDE if you want to trust him or not. A trust is a sacred thing and something worth guarding for most people. For him to know that you trust him reinforces his desire to maintain it. Conversely, mistrusting him and voicing suspicion devalues the trust, can destroy the relationship, and even push him to cheat - something a jilted ex would relish.

    My advice to you would be to tell your bf what his ex did and that you don't believe any of it. Reinforce your trust in him, for example, by saying something like "you're an honorable man and I trust you." That doesn't mean you close your eyes and ignore signs of problems, but trust is a key element in a relationship and must stay strong if you are to keep the relationship strong.

    Good Luck Pinny
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    Apr 18, 2010 11:43 PM GMT
    I don't because I never get acused of such things.........icon_cool.gif