Where have I been

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    Apr 21, 2010 2:09 AM GMT
    Some of you are wondering what the hell happened to me after the zDrew post, why I left, whats been happening, Why I’m back (*coughs* you know who you are)

    Well, if you can manage to read through what I’ve written, I’m going to tell you most of the story, or at least the parts that are most relevant to now and what I’ve gotten sorted out in my own head.

    So, I’ll start at the now, Right now, I’m living at my brothers and I’ll be staying here for a while (at least until some point next year) I’ve things that need to be done and my life has fallen so far off track over the last few years.

    So as most of you know, I once had a partner, a great partner at that, however about 4 years ago things started to change, however, for what ever reason, I didn’t admit these changes to my self, he stopped doing the small things, those things that I had no idea where so critically important to another person, we stopped being sexually interested in each other, we started to grow apart and while he continued on with work, I mentally started to crumble, the relationship I had was incredibly important to me, but I never talked about it, not to anyone, family, friends, to the outside world it was business as usual.
    I’m not entirely sure why I choose not to talk, although I am not a very talkative person when it comes to the things happening inside of me and I never have been, I’ve always been capable of handling any situation that is thrown at me, sure I make mistakes, but I’ve learnt from them and I continue to work on what ever it was that was the problem.

    So while he stopped, I worked harder, ignore an obvious fact on my part that he wasn’t happy, so, I tried to help him find happiness, encourage him to go out and do the things he enjoys, I had always done this but I became more insistent and forceful about it, I want him to be happy and to find that spot within himself that I was once again slowly finding, unfortunately none of it worked, no matter how hard I pushed, no matter how much I encouraged, he wouldn’t help himself and I couldn’t do it for him (if you ever think that you alone can make another person happy, you’ll be sorely mistaken)

    So, not being able to get him to do these things, I racked my brain wondering what I could do, eventually I came to the idea that it was me that he wasn’t being happy with, so I decided to end it, we still lived together (until now) I still looked after him, financially at least where he needed it, but alas, he’d data someone for a few weeks and then come back and say we can fix it, so, we’d try again, nothing ever changed, he just went back to his habits, if I came home angry or frustrated or worried, I was never asked how I was, never checked in on, while some of you might say I should have opened up, I had been doing that for many many years, I’d been the one opening up to try and encourage him to open up to me and it never happened, eventually I gave up (problem one, I gave up) and of course with no one there to encourage him he stopped talking too.

    so, for two years we followed this course of breaking up and getting back together, although I never talked to anyone about it (some guys on here will even wonder how I held some conversations with them all the while being in limbo with my ex..

    Anyway, things started to get harder for me and I didn’t understand why, I think, because I was never given an opportunity to talk, whilst I’ve learn that most people LOVE to talk about them self, those same people usually don’t give a shit about hearing other peoples problems or as soon as they start feeling good they are off forgetting about that person who sat there patiently listening, giving advice and all those good things and yes, even a few on RJ have done the same, this again comes down to my talking about the things that currently bother me, I find it difficult to develop a trust with a person enough to know that they wont hurt me with it, when I open my self up to another person like that, I’ve doing it because I trust them, unfortunately I need a little prompting, just like everyone does, “How are you?” “whats been happening?” “Oh things aren’t great, how come?” I’m given them permission to speak, to open up and to trust me and people do, they trust me, I on the other hand need a little more work, that’s always been a downfall on my side.

    The reason for my inability to talk isn’t because I don’t want to get hurt but purely because I don’t trust them and I’m pretty confident I’ve worked out where that one comes from, although it’s a long road, my brother is being amazing listening to me when I’m ready to talk and distracting me when I need it so that i don’t think constantly.

    Anyway, so, we had been doing this apart together bullshit for a while, but the other week, my ex finally asked me how I was doing and I found my self just way to exhausted to talk.. but sitting there for 10 minutes quietly, I finally begun to open up in a way that I’ve never been before, I started talking and I talked for 4 solid hours, I let everything out, things I didn’t even know about until I finally acknowledged that I was in pain and that I needed to let it out, things that not only did I not know about but not know I even needed, even now a week later my head is still throwing out garbage and I can’t sort it out fast enough, things from years ago, things from just recently, I thought I’d always been so open, so talkative, so willing to talk, but I’ve found I’ve hidden a lot of things away, I over looked things for the relationship, things that had been taking there tole on my mental state, I put so much of my self into the relationship, I gave up so much of my self for it, I did it without even thinking about it, I loved him and I loved him dearly and I know that for many years he did the same.

    So, over the last few years I’ve been getting more and more fragile inside, no one noticed, no one seemed to care, I had the brave face on and I’d handle this just as I do everything else, I was quite confident that we would patch things up, that eventually, we’d be back together, it’d take a lot of work, a lot of effort, but we’d do it and things would be good again.

    I was really really wrong with that one hahaha, once I started talking I started to realise just how much I’d taken, mentally, how much of a battering I’d let me self get, I’d been neglected by the person I loved most in the world and I let it happen (I don’t know which I’m more angry about right now, but I’m angry at both of us) over the last 4 years, I’d put so much aside that I forgot what it was having this thing, I don’t know what, but this thing this happiness, this joy, what ever you want to call it

    I could feel it coming, I was becoming short tempered, more aggressive, selfish and uncentred with my self and those around me, especially sexually, some guys took an incredible amount from me, one guy especially, when I talked to him the other day, I found out that he knew something was wrong and he liked me enough to try and help.. plus apparently he kinda liked it hahaha anyway, I was losing my self to all of this bullshit that had been going on in my life.. This is why I left btw, I left many things and pushed away things because I just couldn’t find that me anymore.

    So back to lastweek, I was talking, A LOT, a lot more then I;m used too, by the end, I had no tears left, I’d no pain, I just felt numb, the next day I talked to my brother and came to stay here, I’ve been talking every since with him and a few very very close friends, I
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:09 AM GMT
    haven’t been able to shut my self up so far and I’m giving up trying because obviously something inside of me needs to talk and I’m going to let it, Plus, I’ve been getting to know my brother again, who, I always thought was great but this last week has shown me just how amazing he really is, just how much I missed of him when I’d keep him at arms length, same deal with my sister..

    but back to the important stuff, yesterday, I was back at my old place, I was there and my ex was there, we talked, not about anything of importance, just chit chatted, found out how he was, he found out how I was, but there was nothing left inside of me for him, he currant has back problems, troubles sleeping, all those things and for the first time in my life, for any person ever, who has ever had a trouble around me, I didn’t care, I didn’t hate him, I didn’t love him, I wasn’t angry or sad, it just wasn’t important to me, his problems were no longer my problems and I felt so uplifted by that, that yesterday I came to the decision that is it well and truly over between us...

    I’m well and truly single, I am free to be who I am, all that I am, I can do as I please (and who I choose hehe) I can do it openly, now, without worrying that I might hurt his feelings or worrying that I might cause him problems

    Yesterday I found that centre that I’d been missing, I found hope and joy, I found happiness, yesterday, I was so ecstatic to just be alive, to be around people I love, to know that they love me, to hear them encourage me, to ask me how I was doing without any expectation of me giving the same back, it was an amazing day for me yesterday, although today is not as good, I feel pain over all the great people I kept at arms length, I also feel hopeful (if somewhat anxious) I feel ready, I’m willing to do it and I want too, I moved out of home in with my ex, I have never had a home of my own (and I wont for a while) I’ve never stood just solely on my own two feet for just my self, I have always done it for others, for my partner, for my mother, for friends, but now, this is just for me and no one else...

    Through all of this, I know, I haven’t been the perfect partner, I can be incredibly demanding and arrogant, sometimes I suffered selfish periods where I did think of just my self, but I always came back, I always found that part of me again and I found it quickly because I do love him, I did love him, I was in love with him and by my head doing those things were the right things todo, even if sometimes I didn’t feel like doing them, I still did them because I had made a commitment to being part of a relationship, he didn’t..

    Now, we have agreed to spend time thinking, about what we want, if we want to really see if it’ll work, I have agreed to this, I have one more week, I have one week to intensively think, to think about everything and I will spend the week thinking, thinking very very hard, I will not make this decision in anger or fear or sadness, although I have already decided, I will ensure that the decision was made in the right frame of mind and for me.

    next week, I am 99% sure, I will be as single as they come, without any hindrance, without any extra luggage (just my own now)

    I don’t know exactly what i see in my future just yet, I do know I don’t want to date, I need time, I need time to find things that I’ve lost and I’m no where near ready to commit my self to a relationship where I would be incredibly unequipped mentally and where I couldn’t or wouldn’t do those things for the other person, it would be wrong for me to do it for my self and other person, however, I feel much more confident that one day, I will, but not today...

    Otherwise, I’m going to work on getting my life in order, I’ve just made some massive decisions in my life and not just this one, others that I haven’t talked about here, they aren’t important to anyone but me, but for me they where a release, an opening, they are some of the binds that have held me back.

    I’ve written all this, for a few reasons, one because I want some of you guys to know whats been happening, those who I have enjoyed either watching, talking to, flirting with, or anything else, two, I wrote this for me, because I wanted to talk again, I feel like doing that a lot and three because, it gave me a break from the washing hahaha icon_razz.gif

    So anyway, I am back, wont be around as much as before, I’ve a lot of things to do and it’s so freakin exciting that I can barely keep my arse in the chair long enough hahaha
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:21 AM GMT

    This is Bill , lilTanker...thanks for this, it's incredible and very profoundly moving. I'm typing because Doug, my mustard seed of us two, just left the room and I think he's crying a little.

    ....it's great to have you back -Bill
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:22 AM GMT
    Oh dear gawd, give the man a tissue and a hug... tears are all done my dear, time for more fun things in life icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:56 AM GMT
    Lol, OK it's Doug. Sorry *blush*.

    That was very cool to read.

  • 8Always_Hard8

    Posts: 496

    Apr 21, 2010 4:24 AM GMT
    i cant believe I read the whole thing

    *passes out*

    lol but I am glad you are happy again icon_smile.gif you know I tried soooooo hard to talk with you! and you know I am always there for you! ALWAYS

    But I will always be here to give you your coffee and donut or cookie in the morning icon_smile.gif

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    Apr 21, 2010 4:31 AM GMT
    My own little heart just grew three sizes larger reading that, B. I think I loves ya even more now...and am happy old things past are getting a little resolution so you can move onwards and upwards.

    On a selfish note, I'm glad you're back. Once my 'puter is fixed (yeah, you helped convince me to keep it), I'm sooo gonna kill you for killing me.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Apr 21, 2010 5:20 AM GMT
    Oh my God. First, I'm SOOOOO Fucking happy to see you back here. when I joined a month or two ago, YOU were one of the reasons I liked it here. SO glad you're back.
    Second, I'm profoundly moved by your story, and we need to talk further. It's frighteningly close to home. I feel for you, and I'm so proud of you for moving through this with courage and grace and dignity.
    Welcome home.
    (I think this is the shortest response I've ever posted...that is...until I added this part.)
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    Apr 21, 2010 5:30 AM GMT
    <3 good to see you found your centre. And to see you come back. <3
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    Apr 21, 2010 5:34 AM GMT
    There are VERY DAMN FEW RJ members that I would read a post as long as that for... and you, BEN are one of those very few!
    Thank you for sharing such an incredible journey of self discovery and self healing...keep talking to us and to your family, friends and yourself....somehow, WE all knew that you were special from the beginning...it's about time you start to believe it and act the part again, by taking care of yourself and reconnecting with yourself and those you love and need in your life.
    Life is full of fakes, users and abusers only out for themselves and the next free ride at your emotional, social, spiritual, or economic expense. Love is a two way street and requires compromises and a synergy of personalities, desires, shared interests and differences and as always...communication on both an intellectual and emotional level. I think it is important that you never loose the ability to "communicate", for surely, everything else will crumble without meaningful communication...
    I think it is wonderful that you have reconnected with your brother and sister...so many in this world underestimate the importance and strength of the shared ties with a sibling. Many times they were your first friend, your first enemy, your first experience with a peer and share with you the history, background, culture and genes that made you unique. Your rebirth as a vibrant and self aware person again is to be celebrated! Single and sexy as you are...I doubt you need to be worried about getting lonely!....On a strange, tangential, light, side note...I feel like I just read a "parallel movie script" for the rock opera, "TOMMY"......LOL!

    I'm free -- I'm free,
    And freedom tastes of reality!
    I'm free -- I'm free,
    And I'm waiting for you to follow me.
    If I told you what it takes
    To reach the highest high,
    You'd laugh and say "Nothing's that simple."
    But you've been told many times before
    Messiahs pointed to the door
    And no one had the guts to leave the temple!
    I'm free -- I'm free,
    And I'm waiting for you to follow me.
    I'm free -- I'm free,
    And I'm waiting for you to follow me.

    Seriously....I wish I could hug you and hold you and congratulate you in person...but I will give you my best virtual hugs and wait till I get to OZ someday to deliver the rest in person!
    Be well and Take Care....my best to you!
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    Apr 21, 2010 11:25 AM GMT

    Emotional trauma is the most difficult to heal. Withdrawn from everything and everyone around me, it took me years to come back. It took you only a couple of weeks. So you are doing very well. I am confident that you are in good progress. Be strong and resilient. I keep you in my prayer, my friend.
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    Apr 21, 2010 11:41 AM GMT
    Glad to see you back, Ben and I read what you wrote with concern and interest, You've grown through adversity.

    "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

  • thisguy023

    Posts: 216

    Apr 21, 2010 12:21 PM GMT

    Impressive story. Thanks and congratulations.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16416

    Apr 21, 2010 12:29 PM GMT
    Thanks for taking the time to write how you have felt, whats happening in your life and for being real. I read it all carefully. I'm very glad your in a better place now. Sometimes after working through issues that have bothered us for years (despite the outcome), there is a feeling of contentment. You've made much progress. We could all learn from your experience!

    Keep us updated, I certainly want to hear how your doing. Again, thanks for sharing!
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:44 PM GMT
    Thank you so much for taking the time to type that out. I appreciate you for doing that, and I'm so glad you are able to be open and honest and sincere about what you were feeling and are feeling in your life. That is such a relief to me.

    yay time for lol! n_n
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:48 PM GMT

    I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to get it off your chest. It's the first step in moving on.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Apr 21, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    I wish you weren't half a world away.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Apr 21, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    You've been through the wringer, my RJ friend. I'm sorry to hear about this difficult (and very lonely) path you've been on, but I'm relieved to find out you've decided to take a new one.

    I hope you'll share with us some of the excitement life has in store for you!

  • shirty

    Posts: 290

    Apr 21, 2010 3:17 PM GMT
    Thanks for sharing your story - I'm sure many of us can relate and draw strength from your experience. I wish you the best on your journey!
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    Apr 21, 2010 9:50 PM GMT
    Just wanted to thank all you guys for your comments, it means a lot!

    I'm waking up very anxious though and I'm not 100% sure of why yet, sure my head will get to it, thankfully after a couple of hours it settles down and I start getting happier again, yesterday ended up being a really good day and today hopefully it'll be the same and I'll end up by about lunch time being excited and happy to be alive and moving on with my life, it's such a great thing that I am doing and I'm doing it just for my self, a real first for me.. Over the next 6 months or more I know it's going to be a struggle in many ways but I up for it.

    monochrome said
    Emotional trauma is the most difficult to heal. Withdrawn from everything and everyone around me, it took me years to come back. It took you only a couple of weeks. So you are doing very well. I am confident that you are in good progress. Be strong and resilient. I keep you in my prayer, my friend.

    I wanted to give you a response, because, well, I wanted too, I like what you wrote.

    It's actually taken me a couple of years to get to this point (sorta of this point anyway) to just leave that all behind, I suppose somewhere inside of me I knew it was coming and was already mentally preparing my self for it, however, I've been through some really tough things as a kid and adult, far worse then leaving and dealing with the aftermath, I learnt long ago just how strong and capable I am, I also learnt that we all are far far stronger then we give our selfs credit for and it's not until we are thrown into that adversity that we come to realise just what we as people are capable of, the strength to carry through our pain and suffering and to come out the other side and be able to smile, laugh, love, cry, it shows just how strong and resilient we are.

    What ever you your self are going through, you will get through it if you want too and we all want to leave those bad places of our heads and find happiness again, so you will do it and at some point in the future you'll look back at what you suffered through and hopefully you'll realise your own strength.

    I bounce back quickly because I have learnt many ways of handling suffering and although not all of them are useful in this instance, many of them are, it's a whole new learning experience again, I'm learning, I'm moving and I wont stop.. you can do and will do that too.
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    Apr 21, 2010 10:04 PM GMT
    Thanks so much Tanky for sharing your journey with us. We're with you.



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    Apr 21, 2010 10:47 PM GMT
    Dido MusclesComeBack…way to close to home
    Dido Sporty G…always read all your post

    Thanks for sharing and more strength to you; although, I can’t give too much at this moment for some reason my eyes are leaking.

    missed ya
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    Apr 21, 2010 10:52 PM GMT
    Thanks for sharing all that with us. I actually read that whole post and I can really feel for what you went and are going through. I really missed your posts. Welcome back...and if you need anything just holler...
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    Apr 21, 2010 11:54 PM GMT
    First of all, welcome back. I'm very happy you are back on here.icon_biggrin.gif

    I hope you know, that you can talk to us! We are your family, too and there are many, many guys on here, who try to help others as best as they can in this forum. Thank you very much for sharing your state of mind and heart with us and letting us 'in'.

    So good to have you back, way better than before.icon_biggrin.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 22, 2010 12:07 AM GMT

    icon_cool.gif Bravo my friend

    I see that you've found yourself again
    I learned the hard way too that you can never be responsible for someone else's happiness
    It's debilitating and causes you to lose yourself along the way
    You've found yourself again
    and that's where this giddiness is all coming from

    I'm happy for you .... and finally glad to make your acquaintance icon_wink.gif