What am I doing wrong?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:44 PM GMT
    I'm having a terrible time getting relationships off the ground. I work out a lot and get attention physically (lucky there), and I'm meeting lots of new people and even making friends, but I can never seem to hook a boyfriend. People weave into and out of my life. Worse still, every time I start crushing on a guy and start to see possibilities for a relationship, they always--ALWAYS--start dating someone else, and I'm left in the dust. I used to chalk it up to bad luck, but it has happened so consistently that I'm starting to think it's me. After all, if they were actually becoming interested in me, their heads wouldn't turn at as soon as another guy passes by.

    I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing wrong. At this point in my life, I'd really like a relationship. I'm sick and tired of casual sex (I know, when I'm older I'll probably look back on this comment and roll my eyes). I don't have a ton of self-confidence, and with my desperation for a relationship, maybe everything comes off like a stench. One thing--I do try to be nice and considerate... maybe that's the problem? I was just reading an article about how "nice" guys get nowhere because being overly nice (read: nonassertive) is usually a symptom of low self-esteem, and, let's face it, no one finds lack of self-confidence attractive.

    Any thoughts?
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:47 PM GMT
    tallguy_nyc2009 saidI'm having a terrible time getting relationships off the ground. I work out a lot and get attention physically (lucky there), and I'm meeting lots of new people and even making friends, but I can never seem to hook a boyfriend. People weave into and out of my life. Worse still, every time I start crushing on a guy and start to see possibilities for a relationship, they always--ALWAYS--start dating someone else, and I'm left in the dust. I used to chalk it up to bad luck, but it has happened so consistently that I'm starting to think it's me. After all, if they were actually becoming interested in me, their heads wouldn't turn at as soon as another guy passes by.

    I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing wrong. At this point in my life, I'd really like a relationship. I'm sick and tired of casual sex (I know, when I'm older I'll probably look back on this comment and roll my eyes). I don't have a ton of self-confidence, and with my desperation for a relationship, maybe everything comes off like a stench. One thing--I do try to be nice and considerate... maybe that's the problem? I was just reading an article about how "nice" guys get nowhere because being overly nice (read: nonassertive) is usually a symptom of low self-esteem, and, let's face it, no one finds lack of self-confidence attractive.

    Any thoughts?
    I really want you to start listening to your own words, tall. You are a little bit wiser than you give yourself credit for.
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:47 PM GMT
    Fill out your damn profile.
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    Apr 21, 2010 2:59 PM GMT

    lol, you're doing nothing wrong. Your lament is the same one I had long ago, Bill had long ago, and that many have had and are having. You're in good company. icon_wink.gif Who's to say that any of those potential relationships would have gone anywhere? Sometimes wearing your heart on your sleeve protects you from cads. It also makes it easier for others that are like you to find you.

  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Apr 21, 2010 6:25 PM GMT
    I have the same problem. But, I've had my first second date in a while. I think we're looking at a third date, but the guy has just started a new job and it has him stressed out. It can go either way at this point.
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    Apr 21, 2010 7:33 PM GMT
    just don't try try too hard.
    guys who try too hard, or are clingy and needy after only a few dates can be annoying. (I'm not saying you are any of these things, but the last thing you want if you really like someone, is for them to find you annoying).

    depending on the guys personality, you need to find a balance between showing your interest and not being too invasive too soon. some guys are very sociable and others needs their own space and takes a little more time to get to know.

    I've broken it off with guys who obviously were really into me, because I feel invaded if someone after only a week or a couple of dates starts bombarding me w long text messages full of sweet nothings, and wants to hang out every day.
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    Apr 21, 2010 10:33 PM GMT
    meninlove said Who's to say that any of those potential relationships would have gone anywhere? Sometimes wearing your heart on your sleeve protects you from cads. It also makes it easier for others that are like you to find you.



    Listen to these above words...So true...

    There was a guy I was interested in that I talked about on these very boards that I pined over thinking he was a great catch but I just couldn't make it work, why oh WHY....Turns out that he's now become an unemployed, excessive weed smoking alcoholic jesus freak that has to live with his parents...

    What a difference a day makes...I dodged a bullet, if you ask me.

    So now I take it all with a grain of salt...Live each moment as an learning experience to get you closer to the place you'd like to be. As long as you are enjoying the (brief) company of the men you are meeting, you're doing better than a lot of us...LOL
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    Apr 21, 2010 11:30 PM GMT
    pffft nice guys get everywhere important, arseholes wither and die!

    Tell these guys you like them, tell them you want to date them, make a move, don't pussy foot around hoping, if you want them, go after them don't wait for them to make a move, most guys are scared little kittens who don't know what the hell is going on.

    You meet a guy, you think it could go somewhere, state your intentions, be upfront and forthcoming and if they don't like it, then thank'em for there time and go search for someone else.
  • oursirpeace

    Posts: 199

    Apr 21, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    judoguy saidI've broken it off with guys who obviously were really into me, because I feel invaded if someone after only a week or a couple of dates starts bombarding me w long text messages full of sweet nothings, and wants to hang out every day.

    The guy I'm seeing atm is exactly like that, keeps calling me "handsome" in EVERY text msg he sends me, goes out of his way to do me favours... basically coming on too strong. But, knowing how hard it is to date nowadays, I'm giving this a try, can't say it will last long, let's just hope when it ends things won't go too sour.
  • hikerC

    Posts: 170

    Apr 22, 2010 12:07 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidpffft nice guys get everywhere important, arseholes wither and die!

    Tell these guys you like them, tell them you want to date them, make a move, don't pussy foot around hoping, if you want them, go after them don't wait for them to make a movie, most guys are scared little kittens who don't know what the hell is going on.

    You meet a guy, you think it could go somewhere, state your intentions, be upfront and forthcoming and if they don't like it, then thank'em for there time and go search for someone else.


    That is amazing advice! Just the kick in the butt I needed! Thanks for posting! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 22, 2010 12:07 AM GMT
    oursirpeace said
    The guy I'm seeing atm is exactly like that, keeps calling me "handsome" in EVERY text msg he sends me, goes out of his way to do me favours... basically coming on too strong.


    I hope you are telling him exactly that. You are interested, but this is off-putting. It's called open communication and without it, every relationship is doomed.
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    Apr 22, 2010 12:19 AM GMT
    I am not sure what you are doing wrong. I just dont think man guys in your ( my age group) want a serious relationship. I suggest dating guys in in the 33-37 range. They seem more ready that us 25-29 guys.
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    Apr 22, 2010 12:21 AM GMT
    r u an Ny native?
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    Apr 22, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    I don't know what article you're referring to, but stop reading from a magazine that publishes trash like that. Nice guys can move mountains.

    From the info. you've provided, it seems you're suffering from a little more than a simple case of low self-esteem. Grow a pair, and tell these guys what's on your mind. It's not as hard as you think.

    Will you be rejected? It's possible, but there's nothing wrong with a little rejection. It builds character.
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    Apr 22, 2010 9:36 PM GMT
    reppaT saidI don't know what article you're referring to, but stop reading from a magazine that publishes trash like that. Nice guys can move mountains.

    From the info. you've provided, it seems you're suffering from a little more than a simple case of low self-esteem. Grow a pair, and tell these guys what's on your mind. It's not as hard as you think.

    Will you be rejected? It's possible, but there's nothing wrong with a little rejection. It builds character.


    Good advice.
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    Apr 22, 2010 9:42 PM GMT
    tallguy_nyc2009 saidI'm having a terrible time getting relationships off the ground. I work out a lot and get attention physically (lucky there), ...
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    Apr 22, 2010 9:52 PM GMT
    Hey. We've all had failed relationships, great dates, and shitty come ons for a multitude of reasons (physical, philosophical, alcohol induced, etc.) but remember the old adage, my friend:
    PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
    As long as you're not denying your own self, keep trying, make an effort, visualize a good date, a dream guy, a longterm or a short term relationship, then when you see a guy, make a move...if he rejects you, move on. If you keep second guessing yourself, you'll become someone else.
    Someone out there likes you for YOU, not what you think they want you to be.
    Trust that.
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    Apr 22, 2010 9:56 PM GMT
    Stop looking and enjoy life! Sounds like you are trying way to hard, be yourself and let the guy who likes you for who you are chase you
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    Apr 22, 2010 11:00 PM GMT
    Yeah dude.. if a guy isn't into you, no amount of nice is going to change that. I came to understand that the hard way, by thinking for years the problem was me. The most important lesson I learned was to listen to my gut. If my instinct tells me the guy isn't sticking around.. then I don't waste time trying to convince him I'm worth it. Consider the "Do this, Don't do that" advice as optional.. don't change who you are just to find a dude. You should always be yourself.

    Personally.. I'm really into clingy guys who have low confidence because I like to be needed. So they typically fit my type pretty well. Unfortunately.. I'm having trouble finding that in someone who can also communicate what it is they want from me. Which (as other posters have mentioned) is just... absolutely a requirement


    Good luck.. to the both of us!
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    Apr 23, 2010 4:16 AM GMT
    tallguy_nyc2009 saidI'm having a terrible time getting relationships off the ground. I work out a lot and get attention physically (lucky there), and I'm meeting lots of new people and even making friends, but I can never seem to hook a boyfriend. People weave into and out of my life. Worse still, every time I start crushing on a guy and start to see possibilities for a relationship, they always--ALWAYS--start dating someone else, and I'm left in the dust. I used to chalk it up to bad luck, but it has happened so consistently that I'm starting to think it's me. After all, if they were actually becoming interested in me, their heads wouldn't turn at as soon as another guy passes by.

    I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing wrong. At this point in my life, I'd really like a relationship. I'm sick and tired of casual sex (I know, when I'm older I'll probably look back on this comment and roll my eyes). I don't have a ton of self-confidence, and with my desperation for a relationship, maybe everything comes off like a stench. One thing--I do try to be nice and considerate... maybe that's the problem? I was just reading an article about how "nice" guys get nowhere because being overly nice (read: nonassertive) is usually a symptom of low self-esteem, and, let's face it, no one finds lack of self-confidence attractive.

    Any thoughts?



    You are doing absolutely nothing wrong! just be yourself and never ever take each failed attempt as your fault! everyone like you are always looking for their match, unfortunately in that endless search for MR. Perfect most of us tend to get lost in superficiality, and loose touch with the human qualities of a prospective lover.

    My advice for you is to expose yourself in the social scene! in other words get out of the house and start going to social events, especially now that the weather is getting warmer. DO NOT depend or get to comfy with the internet dating scene. I go to the city a lot even on weekdays whenever there is a social event that interests me, or better yet why don't you try to pay a visit to the THE GLBT CENTER of NYC, there is always plenty of social events every day of the week for gay men of all ages, races, cultures, and religious background. You being a New Yorker I don't see how hard it would be for you to mingle and meet gay men there. And if you don't like that type of social setting, for God's sake always walk with your face up, have eye contact, and try to strike a conversation with every guy that crosses your path and catches your eye. Good luck!


    Leandro ♥
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    May 03, 2010 7:50 AM GMT
    judoguy saidjust don't try try too hard.
    guys who try too hard, or are clingy and needy after only a few dates can be annoying. (I'm not saying you are any of these things, but the last thing you want if you really like someone, is for them to find you annoying).

    depending on the guys personality, you need to find a balance between showing your interest and not being too invasive too soon. some guys are very sociable and others needs their own space and takes a little more time to get to know.

    I've broken it off with guys who obviously were really into me, because I feel invaded if someone after only a week or a couple of dates starts bombarding me w long text messages full of sweet nothings, and wants to hang out every day.


    Very well said, I agreed with w/ JudoGuy - I went out with a couple of annoying clingy guys before - who sent like 5 txt messages after our 1st meeting - It was just too much. Just to add something into this - your life shouldn't revolve around finding mr. Right/a LTR 24/7 - you should just enjoy life, do your things, work, have hobbies a boyfriend/LTR will happen when you least expected it. icon_smile.gif
  • HOTWEILLER

    Posts: 347

    May 03, 2010 10:58 AM GMT
    Man, what's meant to be, will surely be! Just focus on yourself and everything in the end gonna be alright! Do not worry so much and when u finally stop worrying about it u'll find the one!
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    May 03, 2010 11:09 AM GMT
    tallguy_nyc2009 saidI'm having a terrible time getting relationships off the ground. I work out a lot and get attention physically (lucky there), and I'm meeting lots of new people and even making friends, but I can never seem to hook a boyfriend. People weave into and out of my life. Worse still, every time I start crushing on a guy and start to see possibilities for a relationship, they always--ALWAYS--start dating someone else, and I'm left in the dust. I used to chalk it up to bad luck, but it has happened so consistently that I'm starting to think it's me. After all, if they were actually becoming interested in me, their heads wouldn't turn at as soon as another guy passes by.

    I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing wrong. At this point in my life, I'd really like a relationship. I'm sick and tired of casual sex (I know, when I'm older I'll probably look back on this comment and roll my eyes). I don't have a ton of self-confidence, and with my desperation for a relationship, maybe everything comes off like a stench. One thing--I do try to be nice and considerate... maybe that's the problem? I was just reading an article about how "nice" guys get nowhere because being overly nice (read: nonassertive) is usually a symptom of low self-esteem, and, let's face it, no one finds lack of self-confidence attractive.

    Any thoughts?



    I put in bold the parts that really stick out. Consider that you are what you are complaining of others of doing. Your potential boyfriends see you absorbing the flirtations, perhaps even flirting yourself, and they jump ship so that YOU won't leave THEM in the dust.
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    May 09, 2010 4:47 PM GMT
    Hi Tallguy,

    I've had the same problem, more to an extreme, but nonetheless a problem. I'm 35. I came out in 9th grade. Great, accepting parents. My principal, who had lost her brother to AIDS, told me to come right to her if anyone bothered me. At that moment I really thought that being gay was no different except I was interested in men. As I look back I realized something critical was missing - support from actual gay people. I met guy when we were both 22 and we fell for each other even though emotionally, because we both missed out on what a relationship was, we were a very young 22. It didn't last a year, and now, 13 years later, I never met anyone again.

    I did try a variety of things, but for the wrong reasons. I did gay.com religiously for years. Nothing. I went to cities with more gay people later realizing i went there with 'gamblers luck' (since there are 'x' number of gay men here then I must be bound to find someone special) - never happened. What i did notice was when you go to a place with more gay men, their expectations become more unrealistic, you become quickly disposable once someone 'better' comes along, and you discover that this is not at all what you had in mind. I left (Minneapolis) after ten years of this very, very angry, disillusioned and flat broke. I vowed never to move to another overpriced 'gay city' again.

    I DID have to work on my attitude. My self-esteem was gone. My identity as a gay man was gone as well because I no longer identified or trusted gay men anymore. That took at least five years worth of reflection, journaling, remembering who I was before I took this journey and how I allowed this external force to have power over who I was. Eventually I did begin feeling better about myself. Ironically, while very much affirming the fact that I am a proud gay man, I had to get away from gay people in order to achieve this. I had to come to terms with two things I will never have control over:

    1) Gay men make up a very small percentage of people, my likelihood of finding anyone needed to be evaluated and accepted, and yes, given the small percentage of gay men who make up this society, I may never find anyone. This reality is glossed over when these gay marriage rallies are taking place. A very large percentage of the gay male community, for whatever reason, will never experience a long term relationship (and obviously never experience marriage). My personal belief is that we need to badly learn how to have relationships with each other that work, because while a lot of us do have them, an overwhelming silent majority of us do not.

    2) At some point stop being angry. Everyone has a story today. I know people who physically can't have kids. I know people who've been through drug/alcohol treatment multiple times. I know people who've witnessed and lived through things that I can't begin to imagine. Mine is that I'm very lonely sometimes. My only relationship was in 1996 and while I feel blessed to have experienced that, this is not what I had expected for my life when I came out. But my parents are still my best friends and support system. And. They, too, have their own stories of disappointments and regrets as do most people walking on this earth. You are not at all alone in what you're going through!

    Also, I want to extend my hand out to you. I've been where you are. If you just need someone to listen, let me know. That goes for anyone reading this.