Long term relationships or "couples"

  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Apr 21, 2010 6:28 PM GMT
    For those of you in a long term relationship (LTR) How long does one have to be in a relationship for it to be considered long term???


    If you're in an LTR, how long have you and your boo been together?

    OK, so you're in an LTR....do you guys hang out with friends and family as a couple??
    like.... are u seen as a couple?? Do people respect u 2 as a couple??

    if u go to a friend's house....is it presumed that ur better half will be coming with?
    Or perhaps a mutual friend is having a movie night or a BBQ do they know to invite BOTH of you?

    Explain the dynamics of your relationship if you want. I always enjoy hearing about gay men and their long term relationships. I like to hear that they do actually work out, but I know not all relationships last. .

    Gimme the nitty gritty

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    Apr 21, 2010 6:33 PM GMT
    LTRs require commitment. Anyone actually in a long term relationship probably doesn't have the time to answer so many questions!
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Apr 21, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    well maybe so, but surely if u can find the time to stand in front of ur bathroom mirror and take pics of urself voguing than surely someone in an LTR can comment on any of the questions I asked.


    All I'm trying to do is figure out how and why people make it work.
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    Apr 21, 2010 6:38 PM GMT
    Even in a LTR, I like being treated as an individual. I can't stand couples who only socialize together.

    But then, my BF dumped me after 10 years together for being too independent, so what do I know? icon_cry.gif
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Apr 21, 2010 6:42 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidEven in a LTR, I like being treated as an individual. I can't stand couples who only socialize together.

    But then, my BF dumped me after 10 years together for being too independent, so what do I know? icon_cry.gif


    awww, so u guys were together for 10 years? and he dumps u for being independent?

    That was it? Did u guys live together?

    god, I've got so many questions!!!!!!
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Apr 21, 2010 8:21 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months. I just recently moved in with him into his house.

    Yes, we hang together as a couple whether we are with family or friends. We are definitely seen as a couple.

    It's presumed that if one of us goes to a friend's gathering, the other will also be in attendance. This doesn't always happen, though. We've decided that we don't need to do EVERYTHING together. So, he will sometimes go over to his friend's house or go out downtown without me, and vice versa.

    Our dynamic is a very equal one. We are both very open and honest with each other. The lines of communication are always open. Even if we do get into a tiff, we're very quick to get over it and let each other know we love each other even though we may be upset with each other at that moment.
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    Apr 21, 2010 8:22 PM GMT
    We have our own lives but our friends also see us frequently as a couple.
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Apr 21, 2010 8:35 PM GMT
    I like how the word couples is in quotation marks, as if it is a strange foreign concept..icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 21, 2010 10:00 PM GMT
    Together since Aug 6, 1978, considered every bit as much of a couple as married couple by both of our families. Dont do everything together, thank Gawd, but yeah, go out as a couple everywhere.
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    Apr 21, 2010 10:20 PM GMT
    OK you want the nitty gritty - well here it is.

    I consider long term 6-years or more. Only reason I say that is because my first two partners only lasted 5.

    2nd question - me and "boo" have been together 20 years. 21 this July.

    #3 - Yes, Yes and Yes. The extended families are very much part of our lives.

    #4 - not necessarily, we don't have to be joined at the hip all the time.

    Ok vie got to go now. I haven't finessed my honey-do list!
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    Apr 22, 2010 2:11 AM GMT
    Import saidwell maybe so, but surely if u can find the time to stand in front of ur bathroom mirror and take pics of urself voguing than surely someone in an LTR can comment on any of the questions I asked.


    All I'm trying to do is figure out how and why people make it work.

    Your response is far more revealing than my photos. Best of luck figuring things out.
  • boffin818

    Posts: 32

    Apr 22, 2010 2:28 AM GMT
    Partnered here for nearly 9 years. I think that constitutes a LTR.

    Yes, we do things as a couple. My partner, who is Chinese, is not open with his extended family (many of whom are in China), though he is to his two sons.

    My family knows and we attend holiday events with them as a couple.

    He occasionally attends work events by himself, but outside work any events we attend are as a couple.

    Our dynamic isn't perfect. I am more independent (I can easily spend a weekend by myself), he is more dependent, wanting always to do things together. Mostly we do the latter, but I need to claim some private work/recreation time on weekends for myself, even if it's just reading a book for a few hours. He tolerates it.
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    Apr 22, 2010 3:02 AM GMT
    Import said
    viveutvivas saidEven in a LTR, I like being treated as an individual. I can't stand couples who only socialize together.

    But then, my BF dumped me after 10 years together for being too independent, so what do I know? icon_cry.gif


    awww, so u guys were together for 10 years? and he dumps u for being independent?

    That was it? Did u guys live together?



    No, we didn't live together. That was the main issue. We lived 45 minutes apart and spent about 3 or 4 nights a week together including weekends and pretty much all summer during university vacation, but that was not good enough for him and he expected me to move in with him. It would have been a 2-hour commute for me and so I would have had to leave my job, but because he earns 3 to 4 times as much as I do, that was the way it was going to be. It would have put me in a very unequal position, living in a house that he owned and over which I would have had no say, and being unemployed for a while without my currently very cushy academic position at a university that would have been almost impossible to reproduce in his city, and I didn't think anything good could come from it. So he dumped me.

    Well, that, and the fact that I hurt my back and was bedridden for a few months and couldn't have sex or pretty much anything else fun with him in between all the pain. You think you know your friends or lovers? Well, what I thought was the kindest and most decent person in my world broke up with me on a day I was in so much pain I couldn't even get up and I just had to lie there and cry while he left the house. You never know someone until you get really sick. Until that has happened and you have survived it, it is not a true LTR.
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Apr 22, 2010 3:53 AM GMT
    We've been together since 1998. Our commitment ceremony was March 22, 2002. I agree with a previous comment that you need at least 6 years to be considered LTR. The relationship needs to be challenged many, many times. Each major challenge will either strengthen or weaken the relationship.

    We are probably not the best example of what it takes to have a successful LTR because we never dated and we don't have a bunch of rules that we have to follow. We are simply best friends who decided that life is better when shared with someone you can love and trust.

    The twins arrived in November 2004 and that has definitely changed things for us. In many ways we are closer but we also have to work at our relationship more than before.

    The statement that opposites attracts has a lot of truth to it. You want someone who shares your goals but you also want someone who is strong in your weak areas and vice versa.

    Everyone everywhere knows we are a gay couple but we never make a big deal about it. It just is what it is. We were registering the kids for kindergarten this evening and I'm sure it was completely obvious that we are a gay family but it just wasn't a big deal to us or anyone else (and we live in a very conservative area in Arizona).

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    Apr 22, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    I guess the answer will be different depending on the person, but for me any relationship lasting longer than 18 months qualifies as a LTR.

    I've been with my partner for almost 10.5 years and yes we typically hang out with friends and family as a couple although he will sometimes get together with his parents by himself and I do the same. Holidays and birthdays and things of that sort, though, we always spend together as a couple.

    With friends we have met since we've been together, we typically hang out with as a couple. With friends we've had before we got together it depends. Sometimes my friends will want me all to themselves and sometimes we both hang out with them. It works the same way with my partner.

    At this point, I think we feel totally comfortable with each other. The challenge is keeping things feeling fresh.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Apr 22, 2010 4:18 AM GMT
    viveutvivas said
    Import said
    viveutvivas saidEven in a LTR, I like being treated as an individual. I can't stand couples who only socialize together.

    But then, my BF dumped me after 10 years together for being too independent, so what do I know? icon_cry.gif


    awww, so u guys were together for 10 years? and he dumps u for being independent?

    That was it? Did u guys live together?



    No, we didn't live together. That was the main issue. We lived 45 minutes apart and spent about 3 or 4 nights a week together including weekends and pretty much all summer during university vacation, but that was not good enough for him and he expected me to move in with him. It would have been a 2-hour commute for me and so I would have had to leave my job, but because he earns 3 to 4 times as much as I do, that was the way it was going to be. It would have put me in a very unequal position, living in a house that he owned and over which I would have had no say, and being unemployed for a while without my currently very cushy academic position at a university that would have been almost impossible to reproduce in his city, and I didn't think anything good could come from it. So he dumped me.

    Well, that, and the fact that I hurt my back and was bedridden for a few months and couldn't have sex or pretty much anything else fun with him in between all the pain. You think you know your friends or lovers? Well, what I thought was the kindest and most decent person in my world broke up with me on a day I was in so much pain I couldn't even get up and I just had to lie there and cry while he left the house. You never know someone until you get really sick. Until that has happened and you have survived it, it is not a true LTR.


    Sorry to hear about all this. I feel I understand your point of view better now. But you are right, I hate fair weather friends and lovers. What really counts is if we are there for each other in our darkest hours. We all have low periods in our lives.
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    Apr 22, 2010 8:20 AM GMT
    Next month will be 27 years, so with all the family and friends we are known as the couple. And if any of them had any doubts, on our 25th Anniversary we had a wedding and invited them all! For the first 5 years or so, we were not seen or invited much places as a couple. Then I guess they got so used to us being together that we ended up being invited together. We would even be at each others famiies without the other and fill in when the other person could not make an occasion. Its difficult that we dont know other couples together so long to be able to share "long relationship" war stories with!! LOL.
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    Apr 22, 2010 8:28 AM GMT
    5 years of being in a relationship felt like just the beginning . A year later it was over. You never know.
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    Apr 22, 2010 10:09 AM GMT
    We've been together for 15 years.

    We do everything together, but only on weekends. We barely see each other during the week, which is probably one of the reasons why we've been able to make it work. We hang out in the morning and in the eve. right before bed, but our work schedules keep us separated throughout much of the day. We take all of our vacations together, but rarely go on business trips together.

    My partner's parents are great. His mother annoys the hell out of me but her heart's in the right place. His father and step mom are two of the most amazing people you'll ever meet.

    He and I are polar opposites. We have very little in common outside of the bedroom. The common opinions we share tend to be political in nature. I was a registered Republican when we met. It took him several years, but he was able to get me to leave the dark side. I'd like to think it was my baby who was the major influence behind that political swing, but in reality it was more of a social awakening triggered by living in NYC. Moving from Cowtown, Ohio, to Los Angeles, then to Manhattan, tends to open up one's mind.

    We spend a lot of time together with friends, but they don't presume that we're attached at the hip. I often go out with friends in the city while my partner stays at home. He's not into going out during the week. He prefers to stay at home and knit sweaters.

    - We give each other plenty of space
    - We don't place ridiculous rules on each other
    - We respect each other's opinions
    - We respect each other's privacy
    - We keep the channels of communication open
    - We forgive each other for our indiscretions

    Finding a life partner is a rare gift. I've found mine, and will be eternally grateful for what life has handed me. I'll always be by his side, even after Nature has called us back to the earth.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Apr 22, 2010 11:29 AM GMT
    My partner, Husband, BF etc. have been together 8 years. We have lived together almost all of that. When another friend sends an invite it is usually to both of us. Most of our friends know us as couples. That being said my partner is a Flight attendant and I work strange hours. After an invitation is accepted maybe only one of us will show up. When asked where is_________? We usually respond, "I don't know, how can I keep up with him"
    We aren't attached at the hip. We pride ourselves on our alone time. Sometimes it's too much, sometimes it's not enough. I wish we had more time together now. I miss him.
    We do see each others' family as a couple.
    I think we have given each other enough space so not to get too smothering but know where our boundaries are.
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    Apr 22, 2010 12:20 PM GMT
    My deceased partner and I were together for 10 years. I will have to be honest. I dont know when you would consider us to be in a LTR. I guess the moment we moved in together, started making daily living plans together, and being seen in public together. For us though, that was pretty much how it was from the get-go. We started pretty hot and heavy and jumped into the relationship soon after meeting each other. So once again, not sure.
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    Apr 22, 2010 12:58 PM GMT
    I'm not really sure. We were together for a few months I think before it really sank in that we were stuck with each other. I think when you can say to each other "FUCK YOU, would you pass the salt honey?" you can say you're definitely in a long term relationship. It takes awhile to get to that point.
  • mrcpu1

    Posts: 51

    Apr 22, 2010 1:23 PM GMT
    I don't think you can put a time line on when a LTR begins. Every one and every situation is different.

    My husband and I have been together for 10 years, we eloped to West Hollywood City Hall 3 months after meeting (and became domestic partners then) and were legally married on Aug 30, 2008. (it was not your typical wedding icon_biggrin.gif )

    Ross_Rick_smiling.JPG

    Our families accept us completely and unconditionally, we are very fortunate.

    Invitations come to us with both our names, we have common friends, we have long time school friends. We spend time together, we spend time with friends as a couple and as individuals. If he has no interest in seeing the next sci-fi movie, (like Avatar), I'll go with a friend. If there is an artsy fartsy movie he wants to go see and I know I won't 'get it', he'll go with his friends.

    We do go on vacations together, we sometimes shop together, sometimes we shop ourselves.

    You and your partner will 'know' when you are in a long term commitment.
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    Apr 22, 2010 1:38 PM GMT
    "If you're in an LTR, how long have you and your boo been together?"

    21years this December.

    "OK, so you're in an LTR....do you guys hang out with friends and family as a couple??"

    Yes, though not always.

    "like.... are u seen as a couple?? Do people respect u 2 as a couple??"

    Yes, very much so.

    "if u go to a friend's house....is it presumed that ur better half will be coming with?"

    Yes, unless we tell them only one of us will show.

    "Or perhaps a mutual friend is having a movie night or a BBQ do they know to invite BOTH of you?"

    Yes.

    "Explain the dynamics of your relationship if you want. I always enjoy hearing about gay men and their long term relationships. I like to hear that they do actually work out, but I know not all relationships last."

    Sometimes we look at each other with a startled feeling..it still feels like we met recently. We court each other (flirt and check each other out, which makes some that meet us think we just met, lol). Part of what keeps things delightfully electric is the reminders gained from all those past failed relationships. Every one of those dark days is now a gift, because it's made appreciation of each other that much more intense. We gave our whole selves to each other; personal privacy, life histories, each of our collection of friends. Then we gave each of us back to ourselves. Do we argue? Sure we do. Bill's atheist (though I suspect he's more agnostic now) and Conservative, I'm christian and liberal. Interestingly, those are two things we argue the least about. What we do instead with these things is listen to each other very very intently to learn from each other.

    PS the sex/lovemaking is excellent. We pace it, go with the flow, and go through a natural (to us) flood and famine. Those famines don't bother us because we have a deep affection for each other, like an underground river, always flowing quietly beneath everything that happens between us. And the floods, well... icon_redface.gif

    -Doug

  • Medic911

    Posts: 152

    Apr 22, 2010 1:53 PM GMT
    Three years together was filled with highs and lows. But I wouldn't trade it, or the experience and insight I gained about myself for anything. He had a ring on his finger, and I had one on mine. Our families treated us like a married couple. When immigration problems began (he was from the Czech Republic), the stress affected not only the two of us, but both of our families and all of our friends.

    To answer your question, we had a life together- and 2 lives separately. I felt happy and loved when I was with him, but he didn't complete me. I am complete and happy with myself. I think that gay men (the younger scene especially) dive into relationships, lose individuality and burn out too quickly.

    I am a rock climber, a runner, a swimmer, an outdoor and wilderness enthusiast. I'm a Paramedic, preparing for med school. He was foreign, into nutrition, yoga, and fashion. He was a restaurant manager. Many of our interests paralleled, but were not the same. He joined me in some of my interests, and I joined him. At the end of the day, we may have laid down in the same bed, and shared our thoughts, but they were totally different and I feel that this aspect is crucial to a healthy relationship.

    When you give away everything you are, you lose everything you could be. After all, your partner fell in love with you as an individual... why stick around if he/she has your entire being within grasp?