First time...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2010 5:25 AM GMT
    I think this might be a cliche post but I would really appreciate some help.

    I recently started dating a guy a few weeks ago. It's my first time really dating anyone so I am quite nervous and confused about the whole situation.

    We began to get more intimate recently and started talking about sex. He jokes about having sex etc. and I'm ok with it as long as he's not pushing for it in the near future.

    Since I've never done it before, I'm very nervous about it. In a way I would like to try it but at the same time I would like to wait until our relationship is more in-depth.

    Here are my concerns:

    1. I'm beginning to think that he's wanting sex sooner that I'm expecting. I thought he would be understanding and patient but I'm not sure anymore. I would like him to wait until I'm actually ready but it's just that I'm worried he'll want it sooner...I have no idea how I would deal with it if such issue becomes an argument.

    2. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of bottoming...and I think that's what he has in mind. He's much bigger than me (in 'both' ways lol) and the accepted 'social norm' seems to be that guys smaller in size (also in both ways) like myself are 'supposed to be' bottoms. He did say he's vers and would let me try topping but he sounded as if he was 'doing a favour' by letting me top him. I actually think I would enjoy being the bottom but I feel as if I'm being 'submissive', 'emasculated' and giving into the 'pressures of social norm' by doing so. On the other hand, however, I also feel like I'm trying to achieve something impossible by trying to top a larger person (especially because of my small size...).

    3. I'm also, for some reason, scared that he might leave me after the first sex: either because that's what he wanted or because he is disappointed. I guess this is a trust issue from my end and I do think I'm more cynical than others. Yet, I'm just paranoid about having those 'bad stories' come true.


    Am I just overthinking everything? Or, am I just being a control freak? I've been bothered by these thoughts for days now...and I'm just really confused. I apologize in advance if this sounds too much like a cliche.

    I appreciate your help =)
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    Apr 22, 2010 5:58 AM GMT
    Your attitude about sex is refreshing because it shows the care you approach the situation with.

    1) Fear of the Unknown: If you've never done it, it is the unknown which is causing you to be afraid, so the first thing you want to do is educate yourself. The Babeland store in Seattle offers this great online summary: http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/buttsexbeginners

    2) What do I want from this? Also, consider how your reluctance will or will not change over time. If you are truly saying you aren't ready for sex, don't jump into it because someone else is. But if you are as reluctant today as you will be in the future when it comes up again, maybe you should consider exploring it a bit to make it less scary.

    3) Self work: You wouldn't show up for a performance without having a little bit of rehearsal, so start to explore anal sex yourself. It's your body. Figure out how it works in that way.

    4) Share the fear: If this guy you are with is someone who is an understanding sort, share some of your reservations directly with him. He may be more understanding than you think and he might be more than happy to help you explore on your own timeline.

    5) Prepare for the worst: If he isn't going to stick around, there isn't much you can do about that so you shouldn't compromise yourself too much on the matter. If it all does go to hell, it's better to know you were still true to yourself.

    6) Take your time - there might be one or two people in the world who get to the end of their life and wish they had more sex, but most of us just want to have properly fulfilling sex, especially if it comes as part of a whole relationship package. There isn't a rush and the clock you are going by is inside, not outside, so don't push yourself so much you lose the "special" bit.

    I think sometimes those of us who have been out for a while forget how it felt before we first had sex. It's nice to be reminded.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2010 6:25 AM GMT
    shyshortguy

    Thank you for your reply! icon_biggrin.gif
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Apr 22, 2010 1:44 PM GMT
    konzca said

    2. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of bottoming...and I think that's what he has in mind. He's much bigger than me (in 'both' ways lol) and the accepted 'social norm' seems to be that guys smaller in size (also in both ways) like myself are 'supposed to be' bottoms. He did say he's vers and would let me try topping but he sounded as if he was 'doing a favour' by letting me top him. I actually think I would enjoy being the bottom but I feel as if I'm being 'submissive', 'emasculated' and giving into the 'pressures of social norm' by doing so. On the other hand, however, I also feel like I'm trying to achieve something impossible by trying to top a larger person (especially because of my small size...).


    I've actually wondered about this: where did this "social norm" of the smaller guy being the bottom come from? How true is it in reality?

    If you think it sounds like he's doing you a favor, then you probably won't enjoy it with him. You have to go into sex as equal partners (especially if you're looking to build a relationship) and one party dominating the other (not a reference to top or bottom) will lead to a lopsided interaction and likely dissatisfaction for the dominated party. That said, I think you need to communicate with each other your expectations, thoughts and feelings. This will help clear any misconceptions either of you have and reduce the anxieties you have of doing it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2010 1:48 PM GMT
    If it's the first time you are having sex you can't guess what you would like in terms of top or bottom.

    You just have to experience it, try both, many people are completely versatile, some totally one way or the other.

    But it is something you have to try- so just enjoy the experience, if it is not what you want then you can always try something else!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2010 2:02 PM GMT
    You are so over-thinking it.
    I don’t think it is the social norm; it’s the Porn norm, as you gain experience you will find there are plenty of “big” guys that like being on bottom.
    Just do it already, your making him feel insecure by waiting and not telling him why.
    There are plenty of other things you can do. The fun part of new relationships is the sexual exploration. When you get more comfortable with each other you can introduce the butt play; start with a smaller toy.
    Oh, and if he is going to leave you because of the sex, wouldn’t you want to know sooner rather then later?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2010 2:34 AM GMT
    Thank you all for your replies!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2010 3:27 AM GMT
    You're over thinking buddy.. but honestly, it's cute. And okay!

    Don't let -anybody- ever pressure you into sex.

    Talk to him about how you feel. It will give him a more accurate picture of your relationship AND... what you need from your partner. (him)

    Most importantly.. when you're brain is freaking out, and you're weighing all the options. Don't forget to consider the possibility that.. he really likes you. And.. maybe he IS willing to wait. icon_smile.gif

    .. and not to sound insensitive. But if he dumps you, you should call me. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    I think most of the replies have pretty much covered the field, but I'll throw in my two cents.

    1. If you're not ready, you're not ready. One of my biggest regrets in life was letting the first guy who ever blew me, well, blow me. I didn't want it, but I did it anyway, and I'm still feeling dirty (it was, oh, about 9 or 10 years ago). Shyshortguy has a point though, and you need to start exploring, even if by yourself.

    2. If you think you might enjoy bottoming, experiment with that and don't worry about social norms and the like. At the end of the day, there'll be people that do one or both, and people who prefer one or both. I've met couples where the 'bottom' was definitely the dominant partner socially, or in their relationship generally. What's important is that you find out what gives you the most pleasure and be happy doing that.

    3. I'm not going to promise you that the guy you're seeing won't do the things you're worried about, because I have no idea who he is, and I've met too many men who are like that to make such a foolish guarantee. What I will say, however, is if you like him, and you think he likes you, you shouldn't let that fear stop you. At the end of the day, we're only supposed to have one relationship that doesn't end, but it doesn't follow that all the ones before it are meaningless. At the very least, they're practice for the real thing, but they can also be loving, beautiful relationships in their own right.

    Good luck!
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Apr 23, 2010 3:55 AM GMT
    I wouldn't worry about him only being interested in sex. Guys like that have little patience. I doubt he would be waiting for weeks. I'm a cynical guy too, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. He just really likes you, with a side of horny!

    Definitely take your time, and make that clear. And I guarantee that everyone has these thoughts before their first time, cliche be damned.
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    Apr 23, 2010 4:01 AM GMT
    I dated a few guys and dated the guy I eventually first had sex with for a while before we became intimate. I think if taking things slow is what is comfortable for you, then take things slow. Don't let yourself be rushed or pressured into anything. You're special. If this guy is interested in more than sex, he will likely be willing to wait at least for a while. Now if you are still sitting on the fence after a few months, then we are talking about a different situation - but you've only been seeing him for a few weeks and this will be your first time. I am glad I didn't sleep with the first available guy and I still have a special place in my heart for the first guy I was with - so make sure this guy is worth it! Hope this helps.
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    Apr 23, 2010 4:04 AM GMT
    DON'T FORGET TO USE A CONDOM!
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    Apr 24, 2010 11:00 PM GMT
    sashaman saidI dated a few guys and dated the guy I eventually first had sex with for a while before we became intimate. I think if taking things slow is what is comfortable for you, then take things slow. Don't let yourself be rushed or pressured into anything. You're special. If this guy is interested in more than sex, he will likely be willing to wait at least for a while. Now if you are still sitting on the fence after a few months, then we are talking about a different situation - but you've only been seeing him for a few weeks and this will be your first time. I am glad I didn't sleep with the first available guy and I still have a special place in my heart for the first guy I was with - so make sure this guy is worth it! Hope this helps.


    It is sort of incredible, but after not having seen him or heard from him for at least five years, I ran into the first guy I was ever intimate with today while at the gym. He had moved out of the country a few years ago and was back in Tampa temporarily. When we saw each other, I didn't hesitate to give him a big hug. I am glad that my first time was with someone who was really special to me and who was willing to wait a while until I was ready. My point is that you shouldn't feel pressured into doing anything until you are ready for it. If the guy is the right guy for you, he will be willing to wait a while.
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    Apr 24, 2010 11:30 PM GMT
    My first time was with a fuck buddy / one of my best friends. The point of my first time was to actually be good as sex so by the time I was in a relationship with someone I cared for I would have to worry about all the embarrassing things that generally comes with a "first time".

    For the love of god sex is the one act people arn't supposed to think during. Yes I understand you don't want to be pressured into sex, thats understandable; but being afraid to have sex is COMPLETELY different.

    Don't put the dick on a pedestal and act like your virginity is something to be cherished cause it isn't. Your first time isn't going to be special so don't paint it up like its done in the fairy tales. It's going to be quick (if your a top), painful (if your a bottom), and strange. That how it always is.
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    Apr 25, 2010 5:31 AM GMT
    Thank you very much for all of the comments. I really appreciate your help. =)

    I have talked to my bf about it recently and I think I'm just a bit too scared... Another friend of mine did remind me that I worry too much about everything so I'm trying to take it easy lol.

    PAJohn saidWhen you are ready, tell him that you only want to try oral the first time. See how that goes and move on to anal when you feel ready for that.


    I think this is what I'm gonna do. My bf seems to be ok with doing oral only for the first time...
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    Apr 26, 2010 1:04 AM GMT
    PAJohn saidKonzca,

    I have one more suggestion. Don't lose your virginity in the back of a car or something like that. Try to make it special. If one of you has your own place, that would be ideal; otherwise try to get a nice place to yourself like a friend's apartment or a nice hotel room. Have a romantic dinner with some wine and soft music. Maybe take a shower or a hot tub together. Just go as far as you are comfortable with, do NOT allow yourself to be pressured into doing anything you don't want to.

    Enjoy yourself and let us know how it goes.


    Thank you again for your advice. I'm not planning on doing it in a weird place. I think we're gonna go to his or my place.
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    Apr 26, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    Great that you told him about being not ready to try anal at the first time. Keep that open communication up. Tell him how you feel and what you want in bed and ask him what he wants and expects.

    Once both of you are on the same page, go for it. Have fun and don't worry about what could go wrong.
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    Apr 27, 2010 11:30 PM GMT
    bernd saidGreat that you told him about being not ready to try anal at the first time. Keep that open communication up. Tell him how you feel and what you want in bed and ask him what he wants and expects.

    Once both of you are on the same page, go for it. Have fun and don't worry about what could go wrong.


    Thank you for your reply. =)
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    Apr 27, 2010 11:43 PM GMT
    konzca said
    bernd saidGreat that you told him about being not ready to try anal at the first time. Keep that open communication up. Tell him how you feel and what you want in bed and ask him what he wants and expects.

    Once both of you are on the same page, go for it. Have fun and don't worry about what could go wrong.


    Thank you for your reply. =)

    My pleasureicon_biggrin.gif
  • JohnG16775

    Posts: 235

    Apr 27, 2010 11:59 PM GMT
    I understand but remember this about men, we usually like sex, we wonder if we will ever have sex again and when we will and how we will. Its just our human nature. At least thats how I see it. You can wait and thats cool but thats where its eventually going. Hope you dont have a problem with that.
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    Apr 28, 2010 6:30 AM GMT
    JohnG16775 saidI understand but remember this about men, we usually like sex, we wonder if we will ever have sex again and when we will and how we will. Its just our human nature. At least thats how I see it. You can wait and thats cool but thats where its eventually going. Hope you dont have a problem with that.


    Of course I understand that lol. I obviously have urges but I'm just unsure yet. I guess it's the 'first time anxiety'.

    Thank you for your reply, though. =)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2010 6:47 AM GMT
    Mosdef bro...go with ur 1st instinctsicon_exclaim.gif Don't be a *HIT* n *RUN* icon_lol.gif There nothing wrong with getting to know someone bettericon_twisted.gif So take all the time u need, and be sure he is HIV-icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2010 7:09 AM GMT
    I really like this thread. It really shows the "un-superficial" side of gay people. I hope to see more of this.

    But anyway, you should NEVER be forced into sex (and I mean by force or out of guilt) - so take your time. Do it when YOU are ready. Talk to him about it when he asks for it and explain your situation. If he really likes you, he will respect it and spend time with you and gain your trust until you are BOTH ready.

    Sex is intimate and it takes two to tango. When you are both ready, you can be intimate. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2010 7:09 AM GMT
    Hey,

    Let your guy know that you're not ready yet for sex, he is sure gonna understand that and gonna wait. On the other hand I'm not trying to seduce you here, but don't think about sex at all let it comes when the time is right, I know you're nervous we are all nervous but once he is gonna try to have sex with you he's gonna do it the right way. I mean he's gonna cuddle around and try doing other stuff before you guys have sex and if he does those things out you will be all normal and find yourself actually liking the whole sex thing as it comes naturally in a beautiful way between two lovers ;p. Booooom! then you will find yourself expressing love in a different way.

    Ab,
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2010 2:14 PM GMT
    Relax.

    Like the others have said, if you're not ready for sex, you're not ready, and you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. My first 2 boyfriends and I found other things to do intimately that did not involve penetrative sex.

    Let things evolve naturally, and you can always say no.