Would you date a HIV positive guy?

  • morholt

    Posts: 57

    Jan 28, 2008 2:25 AM GMT
    A lot of men say they don't mind having HIV positive friends but would never date someone with a positive status. No judgment here everyone has the right to date whatever men they like for whatever reason. I'm jsut curious about the reasons pro and con...
  • geebus

    Posts: 216

    Jan 28, 2008 8:05 AM GMT
    it depends how serious I was with him and if he was honest with it when I asked, then probably, since honesty is so important to me....or would I?...lol, I'm so ethically retarded. I actually failed my ethics test so I guess my opinion never counts lol

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    Jan 28, 2008 8:23 AM GMT
    I have to admit, that probably not.

    I'm risking losing him and myself in the long run. icon_sad.gif

    Friendship I would gladly offer. But romance, no.

    However, you can't always foresee what happens. And love doesn't let you choose who to love anyway...

    If I was positive though, I'd also try to steer away from negative folks. icon_confused.gif

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    Jan 28, 2008 8:33 AM GMT
    I must admit that my answer would have to be a no. Although, anything and everything can be changed if true and genuine love exists.

    The rules may be broken (what rules? icon_razz.gif)If someone is worth it, I will there until the very end.
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    Jan 28, 2008 9:21 AM GMT
    Being HIV+ myself I do practice sero-preference in dating. I usually find life is a lot easier dating another poz guy. I enjoy being around someone who knows how to support me because we have a shared experience with the virus. I have tried dating negative guys and it usually doesn't work out for some of the following reasons:

    a)He tends to treat my cock like it's kryptonite and won't even let his hand brush against it even through my jeans and underwear.
    b)He is a bug chaser (sick, sick little fucks they are)
    c)He freaks out and thinks I'm dying every time I cough or sneeze.
    d)He constantly uses terms that are offensive to many poz people. (I'd give you list but it would spark another thread war)

    Also there was an event that set me leaning more towards the poz guys these past few years than any of these other things combined. The first time I had sex with my last BF I was going down on him and I got a bloody nose, I mean a real gusher. Before I knew it his junk was covered in my blood. I cannot accurately describe the terror and panic I felt in that instant. I was simultaneously terrified for his sake and terrified he would freak out and run screaming into the night never to speak to me again. Fortunately for me, he reminded me that he was poz too, a fact that had escaped me in the heat of passion. The point is that in that instant my knee-jerk reaction was to haul him into the bathroom for a Silkwood style scrub down. The idea that he just as easily could have been sero-discordant to me pushed me towards avoiding that situation in the future if possible.

    Anyhoo, this thread is kinda a downer and thems my 2 cents on the issue.icon_smile.gif

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    Jan 28, 2008 9:46 AM GMT
    I am neg. and I dated a pos. guy once.. and yes it was not a great experience. I was always nervous around him... I was nervous to touch his dick .. or cuddle with him and sleep at night... sex was extremely uncomfortable and most of the times we wud just jerk off ourselves.. even kissing him I had a million thoughts going on in my mind.. what if he has a cut.. what if I have a sore in my mouth somewhere.. it lasted 7-8 months then I put an end to it. Whats worse is that the relationship started out with a Lie... he never had the decency to tell me he was pos. otherwise I would not have even gone there. When I already started liking him - then one night he spilled it out.. only because I was suspicious of something he's hiding from me and I questioned it. I've seen that a lot of pos. guys lie and wait till someone likes them enough before spilling out the truth about their status.. and hoping it would not change anything. Well I still gave it a chance because I did genuinely like my pos. bf.. but the fear was too much to deal with everytime we were together. And I also used to get nervous when he would be sick with a flu or had diarrhea each time we ate out.. he had to watch his diet.. take his meds.. and be very careful.. but the real reason I really dumped him is because he was a big liar and while we were still together he went to an orgy and had sex wth 20 guys. He also told me that since he became pos. he felt like he has "limited time" to enjoy his life and thats why he wanted to do everything (including finding a relationship) that he could do. I suspect he was always a meth addict but while we were dating he might have been off it.. after we broke up he went back to meth. Last I heard of him - he was jobless living on some govt. support housing and still doing drugs.. I am not saying all pos. men are like this.. but how could anyone do this to himself? I don't ask for much in a bf.. but he should at least be responsible with his own life... he was older than me and still so messed up.. I did have feelings for him.. but don't know if my feelings were of love or pity..
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    Jan 28, 2008 9:47 AM GMT
    yes i would.
    in fact i did already.
    this is just me, alright!
    Jesus teaches, “For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it” (Luke 9:24).
    i just love my neighbours, regardless. besides i may die tomorrow in a freak accident, who knows? ...and that's way ahead of those who are living with hiv.
    Jesus Himself warns us, "But of that day and hour no one knows, no, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only" (Matthew 24:36).
    yep, that's just me.

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jan 28, 2008 12:43 PM GMT
    I dont know my status. But since I have not bareback for the last 12 years, probably I am negative. Will I dated poz guys. I dont know. I never come across this things before. If I love him, then I am willing to died with him. Probably we need to have a real good talk on how to carry out our relationship. We need to be educated more and probably learn how other poz/neg couple live their life. The way I look at it I could be dating a guys who claim he is neg but is poz along the way. At least this poz guy is honest about it.
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    Jan 28, 2008 2:03 PM GMT
    I always used to say that I wouldn't date someone who was positive. Why would I want to suffer with the idea that they were much more likely to die before me and that I would have to see them suffer? However...when it came down to it I did date someone who was positive. When love strikes it's not so easy for me to turn my back on it. I'm more hesitant, but still date people regardless of their HIV status at this point...
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    Jan 28, 2008 2:22 PM GMT
    If he's everything I'm looking 4 in life, than yes I would, even if he gave me the GIFT 2day and I have little months to live at least he knows I LOVED him and he LOVED me back.

    The moment I'm gone is the moment I passed away in his loving arms as we stared into each others eyes 4 the last time and I would say 2 him,

    "love me,"

    and he would say, "forever" as our tears fell from the corner of our eyes and kiss the last kiss. He held me tighter never wanting 2 let me go, crying into the night, he whispered, "I will always love you," as my soul began 2 leave my body, "forever." icon_cry.gif
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    Jan 28, 2008 3:53 PM GMT
    geebus saidit depends how serious I was with him and if he was honest with it when I asked, then probably, since honesty is so important to me....or would I?...lol, I'm so ethically retarded. I actually failed my ethics test so I guess my opinion never counts lol



    Yet if he was positive, would you allow him to get to know you before you moved to the next level??? Just a question....
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    Jan 28, 2008 3:58 PM GMT
    It's a tough inner debate that we must deal with in our community. I know for me moving to SF was a HUGE eye opener, not that I was not aware of HIV/AIDS, just in this city it's different, it's not hidden or shamed upon, and I had to allow myself to see that. Prior to moving here I will say I was closed to the thought/idea, why put yourself in jeopardy of anything?!?!? However not that I wanna jump out and find someone who IS positive, it's just that I would not shoot them down JUST because of that. That is not to say that IF I did begin to see someone who is positive that I would not handle the "courting" slightly different, having sex so readily with him basically.

    It's a tough one!
  • BlackJock79

    Posts: 437

    Jan 28, 2008 4:04 PM GMT
    I think I would. As long as we were both safe.
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    Jan 28, 2008 4:04 PM GMT
    I tried it and couldn't do it. I was so nervous when it came to the sex Idea that we never really got past jerking off, and even then I was practically having panic attacks afterwards.

    I know the statistics, I know the odds, I know I would be safer with one positive partner than having sex with a number of people who you don't know their status, but it was still too much for me
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    Jan 28, 2008 4:09 PM GMT
    Yes. It wouldn't be an issue for me. I've known many long-term survivors and sero-discordant couples. Heart disease and cancer runs in my family, so I could just as easily go before him if I were dating an HIV positive man. I think it also helps that I've had many HIV positive friends - his status would not be first and foremost in my mind unless it needs to be.
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Jan 28, 2008 4:36 PM GMT
    Lots of honesty here, and though it's hard to hear as a poz guy, it's healthy that the conversation take place.

    I am one of the people still surviving the initial wave of HIV in the 80's. I am just barely old enough to remember what gay life was like "before." Most guys my age have long since died, so I occupy a peculiar niche in the gay world. I don't know too many people my own age - they are mostly much older, or somewhat younger and view me as some sort of leper.

    I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found my husband. He knew from day one because (particularly because of the sentiments voiced here) I won't waste my time or emotions on someone for whom my status is a nonnegotiable deal-breaker.
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    Jan 28, 2008 4:40 PM GMT
    I have dated several Poz Guys, I recently stopped dating one of the most amazing guys I have ever dated because he couldnt handle the fact that I was Neg and was really scared of infecting me. Which I respect but still upset me.
    I find the key is to educate yourself to the point of having no fear. I know what is at risk, I know how to protect myself and I know how to make it work.
    The guys I dated disclosed their status when I started dating them and I had no reservations what so ever. If we click then why let the experience of posibly knowing someone amazing get in the way? The only real issue is sex which only requires an added precausion that we should already be exercising anyways.
    Again I find that education is the key.
  • bigguysf

    Posts: 329

    Jan 28, 2008 4:52 PM GMT
    Definitely a sticky topic here...
    I would not date an HIV positive guy. Why? It's a matter of comfort, for both of us. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable doing many things sexually/intimately with a poz partner. And no one deserves to be made to feel like a leper by the person who says they love them! It's not fair.

    This comfort extends to things like even deep tongue-kissing for me. It's something I don't do often because I generally have a lot of dental work going on. So I tend to err on the side of extreme caution on that front. And that would be a helluva thing to deny the man I love (deny him that level of closeness and intimacy with me).

    The comfort is also on the sexual front. Safer sex is just that, safer. But not totally. There are always risks. Risks which I'm not comfortable to take. And for all those who will list out to me all the activities that are low risk, thanks... I know the stats myself. I also know many people who have seroconverted doing all of the low-risk activities (which include only oral activites as well as anal TOP only activities).

    I ask myself this question of dating over and over, because of the very small dating pool of decent guys here in SF, many of the ones I have met who have genuinely good hearts are positive. But it's not fair to them or to myself to be in a constant state of discomfort/fear over which are the activities I will or will not do with them... including activities (like life-saving measures) that may involve their blood if an accident occurs.

    It's kind of fucked up that to have a potential chance at love I may need to put myself at risk seroconversion. And that's not a small question to ask oneself.

    And for all those who think I'm being a small-minded bigot, I would just tell them about the many people who cross me off their list because I'm black. And that seems to be okay with many gay guys because of the whole "sex preference" thing (which has been written on in many other topics here). To those guys I say this: I could face a realistic chance of becoming HIV positive if I were to date a poz guy, and could face major health concerns because of that choice. If someone dates me, their chances of becoming "african-american" are pretty nil, with no adverse impact on their health.
    Just something to think about...
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Jan 28, 2008 5:01 PM GMT
    Yes ... twice last year and I'd date those two in a heartbeat.

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    Jan 28, 2008 5:08 PM GMT
    Yes would and I have done it. I used to be a hot-line volunteer for APLA, when it was in Los Angeles, so I had a access to information the general public did not.

    I knew what I had to do to stay neg.

    The general rule is to treat every guy that you are with like he's positive.

    Always follow the SS precautions. Do not engage in high risk activity. There is no such thing as no risk unless you are celibate.icon_biggrin.gif

    I guard my status like I guard my life.

    The guy I was with was undectable.
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    Jan 28, 2008 5:11 PM GMT
    geebus-

    BTW
    It is a federal offense for anyone who is pos to knowlingly not to reveal that information to a potential partner.

    It's called attempted murder.
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    Jan 28, 2008 5:27 PM GMT
    Lots of honesty in this thread, which is nice. I have and would, definately, as I see no reason to not give someone a chance who could change my life. I understand, however, that other people aren't in that place mentally where they could handle it. That said, what's funny to me is how resolute some men are about NOT dating a poz guy but less resolute about not fucking a guy unless his status is known to them 100%. Gay men, imho, are less "upstanding" when it comes to getting off than they are when looking for "Mr. Right."

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    Jan 28, 2008 6:30 PM GMT
    I've dated someone who was positive, and had sex with him. In the beginning I was scared, but the more I researched it, the more at ease I was.

    When I think long term, could I handle watching someone I love go through all the complications having HIV or AIDS bring? My only worry is being helpless or the worse case scenario, watch them go.
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    Jan 28, 2008 6:53 PM GMT
    Gregg saidI've dated someone who was positive, and had sex with him. In the beginning I was scared, but the more I researched it, the more at ease I was.

    When I think long term, could I handle watching someone I love go through all the complications having HIV or AIDS bring? My only worry is being helpless or the worse case senario, watch them go.



    I TOTALLY agree with you on the last part of your post!!
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    Jan 28, 2008 7:13 PM GMT
    Ducky44 saidgeebus-

    BTW
    It is a federal offense for anyone who is pos to knowlingly not to reveal that information to a potential partner.

    It's called attempted murder.


    umm. no it's not.